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Scytherwolf

Vent

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I don't know, I don't really have anywhere else to post this, but I'm just dreading the future and feeling like I'm going nowhere, but not for the "usual" reasons.

I don't care about getting some important job. I don't care about being a great writer or plush maker or artist or whatever. I don't care about having a ton of extra money outside of having some for emergencies and maybe being able to travel to inspiring places once in a while or something. I dunno, even being able to travel isn't super important.

I just want a future where I'm safe, with things and people/pets who make me happy. And that's looking less and less likely, because everything I love seems like it's slipping away.

I have friends for now, but it won't last. They'll move on to places I can't follow; get a partner, maybe have kids, etc. As an aroace, I can never have a partner or a close relationship like that. The world doesn't work that way; that sort of thing isn't for platonic relationships. My friends will get busy, and then we'll just be acquaintances. I'm sure in the future, I'll have plenty of acquaintances, but no one close. I'll outlive my cats and my dog. One of my cats is really old (the shelter said she was 4 in 2010, but she turned out to be older than that). I don't know how I'll survive working. I've only had part time job, I don't know if I'll ever be healthy enough for full time.

I know to enjoy my pets and friends now while I can; of course I will do that. But I have to write these worries somewhere because if I don't I will explode.

But the thing is, I've known all that for a while. I was getting myself prepared to deal with it. I thought that if I was going to be a hermit who just sat at the computer typing away stories whenever they could, I could be content with that.

But even that's slipping away. Every show/character I love enough to write about has ended up either getting some update that ruins things for me (not going to go into detail on why this is such a big deal; it's very hard to explain), or has other types of worries and issues with it that I can't get rid of for one way or another.

Then there's my non-fanfic stories. One of them is still okay. One. And it sure as hell isn't something I'm planning on writing sequels to; it's kind of a vent story anyway rather than something I write for the joy of it. I could never go to only writing original stories. The fandom stuff just means too much to me for reasons I can't explain. Plus, with original stories, I won't have the community and interaction of fanfiction. Because the last thing I want to do is join some writing group full of "serious writers" who focus on improving or trying to publish or treat it like a class. I just want low-stress fun. No expectations. I'm tired of rules, of "this is right" and "this is wrong."

My Path of Destiny story has been at a standstill because I feel so overwhelmed, feeling like people are expecting too much of me. I feel bad about it because I know those people telling me to improve are just trying to help, but I'm just exhausted. I still want to post things and be a part of that community, but I can't right at the moment.

I don't know. I guess I'm just worried what I'll have to hold onto in the future. I can get into new hobbies, but they don't make me feel alive the way stories do. I think I have to figure out a way to save them but I don't know how.

Don't know how much (if any) of this makes sense, but it's another time I just need to yell into the void when I can't do anything else.

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  1. roo's Avatar
    aah i'm sorry you feel like this scyther. sometimes i feel the same way. i'm always here if you need someone to yell to
  2. Chakramaster's Avatar
    Always feel free and welcome to post things like this here, Scy. It's always better to let things out than to hold it back in. It'll just end up making you explode or worse off. Even venting it out helps. Even if it's slight.

    Honestly, the future is scary. You never know where it'll take you or anyone else. One day you could be completely hopeless and the next, living the absolute dream. You could be completely left out from something you dream of and the next you look you're the star leading what you wanted to do for so long to greater heights.

    Heck we all go through a tough time. I'm fighting some personal issues right now myself. It feels like total crap. I feel like everyday I'm around it I'm being drug down deeper and deeper and it sucks. It feels like crap and just leaves me with a dark pit feeling in my stomach.

    But Scy..."never forget." Ecer since 2007 I've had those words to live by. Sure it may have come from a site I visit where we called the place Naruto Faction. But the shortened phrase for it we used was NF. We coined the phrase "Never Forget" for a good reason. It fit the theme, place, and served as a good lesson in memory. Always treasure what we have and never forget those you truly care for. It may not always work well or like we want. Let the memories be something you can forever treasure and look back on. It can drive us all to new heights and serve as a goal to go beyond. Not everyone we shared these memories will always be around. I learned that from my 10yr high school reunion not long ago. Every 10 years it'll only get smaller too sadly. Though that candle each time will burn bright for those we may have lost. Their memories will never be forgotten. Never Forget, Scy. Always hold those cherished memories close at heart.

    And if ever you need someone to talk to. Always feel free to PM me if you want. I'm always open to hearing someone vent if they need to or need help.
  3. Scytherwolf's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by roo
    aah i'm sorry you feel like this scyther. sometimes i feel the same way. i'm always here if you need someone to yell to
    Thank you, and sorry for the late reply! (Been kinda hard to do online stuff the last couple days, but I'm back). And thank you for that, it will be good to have someone to talk to. ^^
  4. Scytherwolf's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Chakramaster
    Always feel free and welcome to post things like this here, Scy. It's always better to let things out than to hold it back in. It'll just end up making you explode or worse off. Even venting it out helps. Even if it's slight.

    Honestly, the future is scary. You never know where it'll take you or anyone else. One day you could be completely hopeless and the next, living the absolute dream. You could be completely left out from something you dream of and the next you look you're the star leading what you wanted to do for so long to greater heights.

    Heck we all go through a tough time. I'm fighting some personal issues right now myself. It feels like total crap. I feel like everyday I'm around it I'm being drug down deeper and deeper and it sucks. It feels like crap and just leaves me with a dark pit feeling in my stomach.

    But Scy..."never forget." Ecer since 2007 I've had those words to live by. Sure it may have come from a site I visit where we called the place Naruto Faction. But the shortened phrase for it we used was NF. We coined the phrase "Never Forget" for a good reason. It fit the theme, place, and served as a good lesson in memory. Always treasure what we have and never forget those you truly care for. It may not always work well or like we want. Let the memories be something you can forever treasure and look back on. It can drive us all to new heights and serve as a goal to go beyond. Not everyone we shared these memories will always be around. I learned that from my 10yr high school reunion not long ago. Every 10 years it'll only get smaller too sadly. Though that candle each time will burn bright for those we may have lost. Their memories will never be forgotten. Never Forget, Scy. Always hold those cherished memories close at heart.

    And if ever you need someone to talk to. Always feel free to PM me if you want. I'm always open to hearing someone vent if they need to or need help.
    Sorry for the late reply, I was having trouble replying to things the last few days, but I am back now.

    And yeah, I definitely never want to forget those good memories, and I definitely think it's worth it to enjoy the friends I have while I have them. It just scares me that there might not be anyone left in the future, I guess. And my creative projects won't be enough for me to be happy. This has been in the back of my mind for a long time, but I think it started coming to the surface more lately because a few of my cousins that are my age are getting married and having kids. Before it was just the older cousins, and that didn't seem so weird. But now it's like, oh yeah, this is usually what most non-ace/aro people do, right? And it created this weird existential worry. Like I don't want to have kids or anything, but it's weird knowing I'll eventually be family-less because platonic families are not a thing.

    I know the other reason this has gotten so much worse lately is all the problems with my stories and such. That really scares me because, unless some grand plot twist happens, that's all I'll really have in the future. Because I'm sure I'll have acquaintances but no one really close. I just need those stories to have a good chance at living a good life.

    Thank you, I will definitely do that next time this comes up. ^^
  5. LKWayvern's Avatar
    At the very least I can say I have the same exact fear about losing my friends because they get partners/kids, and for the same reason, being aroace. And the same frustrations about this world not being built in such a way that platonic relationships are treated with the same dedication or seriousness as romantic ones.
    A daydream of mine is getting to live in a big house with a bunch of friends and pets and being able to cook for them and recommend to them podcasts I think they'd like but mundane as it is it seems so unlikely.
    So, you're not the only one with that fear if it helps and if you want to rage or vent about that kinda thing I may not be on right away but I'll understand it well.
  6. Scytherwolf's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by LKWayvern
    At the very least I can say I have the same exact fear about losing my friends because they get partners/kids, and for the same reason, being aroace. And the same frustrations about this world not being built in such a way that platonic relationships are treated with the same dedication or seriousness as romantic ones.
    A daydream of mine is getting to live in a big house with a bunch of friends and pets and being able to cook for them and recommend to them podcasts I think they'd like but mundane as it is it seems so unlikely.
    So, you're not the only one with that fear if it helps and if you want to rage or vent about that kinda thing I may not be on right away but I'll understand it well.
    Oh wow, that would be the DREAM. I wish that could be reality. I'm very introverted and while I don't get lonely if I don't have a lot of different people to talk to, I do get lonely if I don't have any close relationships with people. And I know that's how I'm going to end up, which is why I'm worried about my stories and if that will be enough to keep me happy in the future where I am alone.

    And thanks, I'm glad someone else can understand this. ^^