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Thread: What would you think of this kind of story?

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    Cheers and Good Times! Neo Emolga's Avatar
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    What would you think of this kind of story?

    Welp, I'm officially dunking on Wildcaster: Season of Darkness. I tried rewinding one last time on that mess and still didn't like where it was going (and it kept bending toward the same predictable direction). Consider the plug officially pulled.

    I've decided to write something new. I have "Skyfate: The Trial of Kyan" as a tentative title for this, but I'm open to other suggestions. Surprisingly, after trying many other titles, "Skyfate" has yet to be claimed by any other kind of game, book, company, or anything like that.

    It's not going to be a Pokémon fan fiction though, but it will be loosely based on Trial of Juno and have very similar themes and settings. I never really liked the way Trial of Juno starts with the whole bully thing, but here, the main character, Kyan, has a completely different background. One that's not going to make the reader audience give up and feel like shutting the book on it too early on in the story (which was always a big problem I had trying to get people to read Trial of Juno).

    As the storyline goes, in this darker, grittier Borderlands-meets-Redwall universe where there are no humans involved, there are many animal hybrids, similar to what Avatar the Last Airbender has for animals, only there are some civilized ones and some monster/feral ones (very similar to a Pokémon Mystery Dungeon setting). As with Trial of Juno, this universe has its own rendition of Heaven and Hell (not calling them Utopia and Abyss, they're called Sora (sky) and Shita (under) respectively).

    Kyan, the main protagonist character, is very similar to a wolpertinger (looks very similar to this, but he also has hands in addition to wings). Basically, a bunny rabbit with wings. Not sure about the antlers, but I'm thinking him having a mane might be a nice touch instead (or in addition). His body colors will be mostly white and black with several bands and zig-zag patterns. He also has a kind of faint glow due to his role as a kind of defender angel.

    Upon the relatively placid world of Goruden, Kyan lived out a peaceful but simple life as a healer/medic despite having dreams of being a soldier and protector. He died early from a building fire (which results in him having a kind of pyrophobia), but as soon as he got to Sora, he immediately enlisted to become a kind of defender angel, which isn't a role a whole lot of Sora denizens elect to become especially after realizing they're in paradise and are encouraged not to stress about the life they left behind. Essentially, the story really begins after Kyan graduates from the Sora defender angel academy and is a relatively new, rookie responder. While he has been on a few surveillance assignments before that were relatively peaceful, this story begins with his most roughest assignment by far. And it's one that he completely elects to undergo despite everyone discouraging it.

    The actual beginning of the story starts when Burakku, in a similar fashion to Egatept from Trial of Juno III, is a world deemed far too enraptured in corruption and malice to continue existing. Day by day, violence, suffering, malicious entertainment, and death are the reason for many denizens of Burakku to be thrown into Shita, laughing maniacally and carelessly. The High Council of Sora meets to decide the fate of Burakku, and the voting decision to eradicate Burakku by a supernova is decided upon by one, single vote. By accident, Kyan stumbles into the meeting and overhears the decision. Naturally, as a medic from a past life who has revived the critically injured from the brink of death, he believes there is still hope for the world and he humbly speaks to the council, feeling something could be done. Some of the members of the council are outright appalled at Kyan's behavior to speak to the council like this being of rookie rank and not having clearance, but the members that voted to spare Burakku and seek alternative means to rectify the state of the world absolutely love the "little intruder's disruption" and totally vouch for it.

    Not wanting to risk an ugly schism between the council, they decide to send Kyan into Burakku seeing Sora needs to keep things discreet and not look like the heavenly powers are obviously involved. Despite his very humble nature, Kyan trains with an incredible passion to be the best prepared to undertake this mission, even though the entire assembly of Sora Defender Angels know it's way, way out of his league. This story is all about his mission to prove them, every evil thing upon Burakku, his skeptical allies, and even the darkest forces of Shita completely dead wrong about that. But he will go through and fight against absolute hell in the process.

    ---

    That's basically the beginning exposition. A lot of the events in this story will be very similar to what happens in Trial of Juno III: Cry of Egatept, only with a lot more tweaking. Kyan gets treated like a scrub a lot while on Burakku. As a mockery of his brazen but selfless nature, he even gets thrown into a "Juggernaut" role and is forced to carry an oversized machine gun, but after many struggles, he learns to adapt to it and make it work. Despite many other hardships from the ones he's trying to help, he insists on putting up with it and never, ever takes credit for any successes. To him, success is a responsibility, not an achievement.

    Upon Burakku, his "allies" and "friends" are a disorganized, ragtag rebellion group called Trident, resembled with a symbol of a three fireballs in a circle. Almost all of the soldiers and civilians in this faction are "pure," whereas their prime enemy, MEC (Master Entity Coalition), often has soldiers that have been turned into cyborgs with implants, have been subjected to dark and unethical science to accelerate muscle and size growth, and are very often incapable of mercy or honor. Most of the creatures in this enemy faction are reptilian in nature, often noted for being "cold-blooded for a reason." Problem is, their technology and weaponry is superior to that of Trident and they use massive, hulking, battle machines, robots, and freakish cybernetics to drive their dark campaign. It forces Trident to have to improvise with strategy and tactics rather than raw, brute force power. And it hasn't been working quite well for the most part. While Trident has their own weapons and machines, they're often junkyard hulks and things very similar to the kinds of vehicles and weapons in Mad Max: Fury Road.

    Other small, rebellion factions exist outside of Trident, but they don't cooperate very well. They don't ally or agree on strategies either and MEC continues to be a serious, global threat with Kyan caught in the middle of it all. He realizes if there's to be any hope, they need to make an alliance or they're all doomed. At when it seems like hope is lost, somehow, to Trident and the other factions, "what the scrub says begins to make sense." But it's a very long and shaky road before that even happens.

    During the story, Kyan befriends a hybrid draconic bird mount (called a Buradra) named Vari, very similar to Blazewing the Latias in Trial of Juno, only Vari is a bit larger and is predominantly black and white in coloring with crimson irises and a few crimson bands on her wings. Her comical natures helps an ordinarily serious and humble Kyan open up more to step up and face his fears with light-heartedness that also helps as comic relief with the story. With her by his side, she helps him regain confidence when things seem incredibly dark and overwhelming. And she assures Kyan that not everyone in Burakku is dark, wicked, and deserves to be slammed with a supernova. That fact keeps his faith alive that there is still good to Burakku and it has to be saved regardless of the cost.

    And yes, the big thing that Kyan discovers is Shita is connected to MEC. And there's an even BIGGER plot twist than that, but... no more spoilers. You've seen enough! I don't want to give away the whole story!

    So a lot of these names and things are simply placeholders for now and are subject to change, but basically this is the premise of the story I want to write. Only thing is I'm having a VERY HARD TIME deciding on one major thing that blocks me from even just getting started.

    Should I write it in first person from Kyan's perspective the same way Trial of Juno was written from Juno's perspective, or should I go third person on this one?

    That's where I'm getting stuck and I kind of wonder what people think might be the best approach with this kind of story. I'm leaning a bit more toward third person simply because describing things would be tons easier whereas it would be kind of out of place for Kyan to suddenly stop thinking about fighting for a moment just to think about what a particular thing looks like.

    I honestly think this writing project would be a LOT more fun than the hellish struggle I've had with Wildcaster's sequel. This, I know for a fact, will be very action-packed, full of neat fantasy and science fiction elements, and would be a good homage to Trial of Juno without injecting Pokémon into it.

    So please let me know what you think. I definitely plan on writing it anyway, but pointers, feedback, and ideas are always helpful and appreciated before I get started. :3

    Making it double with Caite-Chan!

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    The Maddest Shaymin
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    I like the story concept and would read it. I'm not sure which perspective would be more effective, so go with whichever is easier for you!
    /// /
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    Cheers and Good Times! Neo Emolga's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noblejanobii View Post
    I like the story concept and would read it. I'm not sure which perspective would be more effective, so go with whichever is easier for you!
    Cool, thanks for reading through that huge block of text! I've been wanting to write a refined, won't-get-sued-by-Nintendo version of Trial of Juno for a while that keeps and focuses on the good parts and drops the junk people didn't like about the original fan fiction. Finally, at least, I have a good idea of what I want to work with now.

    Yeah, I'm still deciding on the perspective, but I'm happy to have a solid gameplan. I think I might follow the suggestion of doing one page in first person and another page in third person, both covering the same event. I'll see how that works and will go from there.

    Making it double with Caite-Chan!

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    The Maddest Shaymin
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neo Emolga View Post
    Cool, thanks for reading through that huge block of text! I've been wanting to write a refined, won't-get-sued-by-Nintendo version of Trial of Juno for a while that keeps and focuses on the good parts and drops the junk people didn't like about the original fan fiction. Finally, at least, I have a good idea of what I want to work with now.

    Yeah, I'm still deciding on the perspective, but I'm happy to have a solid gameplan. I think I might follow the suggestion of doing one page in first person and another page in third person, both covering the same event. I'll see how that works and will go from there.
    Hey man fan fiction is great writing practice. One of my original stories nowadays started as a Blue Exorcist fanfiction. I do plan to give this a more formal review and critique later on, but I don't have the time to type it out now.

    Yeah that's good. I usually write in third person because it's easier for me to describe events going on around but I used to be a huge first person writer so it just depends on what flows.
    /// /
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    Cheers and Good Times! Neo Emolga's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noblejanobii View Post
    Hey man fan fiction is great writing practice. One of my original stories nowadays started as a Blue Exorcist fanfiction. I do plan to give this a more formal review and critique later on, but I don't have the time to type it out now.

    Yeah that's good. I usually write in third person because it's easier for me to describe events going on around but I used to be a huge first person writer so it just depends on what flows.
    That's definitely true. I can honestly say fan fiction helps considering you already have a pre-built environment to work with and enhance upon without having to do the groundwork to come up with the setting universe. It does allow you to focus more on plot and characterization.

    Anyway, thanks for the great feedback. I haven't quite started this yet but I'll likely get it rolling soon enough.

    Making it double with Caite-Chan!

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    Made a few alternations, but... here is the intro in 3rd person and it again in 1st person.

    Skyfate: The Trial of Kyan

    Chapter 1: Judgment Passed

    Eight to seven.

    Eight over seven votes and now Veldyne was doomed to be obliterated by a fierce, planet-destroying supernova cataclysm that would leave nothing behind in the wake of the Horizon Council's ultimate choice. To the high heavens of Dynama, it was the last resort option when a world of anibrids had become far too corrupt to be saved. And now, the lives of millions of anibrids would be wiped out in a massive, purging white explosion.
    All because of a single, tie-breaking vote.

    The council room had fallen quiet. Not a sound was made to the point where even a tap would echo throughout the luxurious white, marble halls. Each anibrid member of the council fell silent and awaited for the Speaker's confirmation. Large and small, heavy and light, the animalistic hybrids stayed behind each of their respective gold and oak desks, only aware of how they voted. For some, the decision came easily, but for others, it was a long struggle after a taxing and troubling trial from both the defending and championing parties.

    The Speaker, a hybrid of a white tiger and a hawk known as the tagrasaw species, had approached the large, pearl-white desk that stood before the entire council and many watching anibrids in the audience. Over the years, she had become indifferent of emotions when it came to the council decisions. And the judgment of Veldyne was no exception.

    "I, ninety-seventh Speaker Davasri of the Horizon Council, bear the results of the final judgment of Veldyne," the proud and strong tagrasaw had spoken in a loud voice before the council and watching audience. "The final tally is eight to seven in favor of passing ultimate judgment. As it stands, the Final Purge will be carried out and the world of Veldyne will cease to exist."

    The council was silent, but there was some commotion and murmuring among the watching crowd. An entire planet with millions of anibrids would be gone forever, and nothing would remain in the aftermath save for dust that would leave no story, no memory, and no trace of the world that once was. For many anibrids, it was unsettling and disturbing. But as all the anibrids residing in Dynama knew, the Horizon Council's decisions were ultimate, and they and only they had the power to determine if a world under judgmental scrutiny would continue to survive, or be purged forevermore.

    The other members of the council, held to high esteem as though they were regarded as gods, were in contemplative thought. The vote was as close as it could be without being tied. And if a single member had chosen to vote differently in favor of preserving Veldyne, it would have continued to remain. An entire world of civilizations, technology, history, and cultures would now be wiped out all because of that single voter.

    While they had not been watching, a golden door off to the side of the Horizon Council Hall had opened, and in stepped a quiet but curious aviahare, wondering if he had stepped into the correct room. He was no taller than two feet tall with the body of a white and black-furred rabbit, but with the wings of a bird. On his ears and on his back, there were jagged, zigzag-like markings, which were unusual for an avaihare, but not impossible. His name was Kyan, known only to a few anibrids in Davasri, but completely unknown to anyone in the council.

    "This final end decree for Veldyne will be carried out immediately," Davasri had confirmed before the entire assembly. "As the council has decided, the world of Veldyne will be no more."

    But then all of a sudden, the curious avaiahare had heard Davasri's decree, and unbeknownst to the exact nature of the room he was in, couldn't help himself but to speak up.

    "What?" the newly-arrived avaiahare suddenly spoke up in startled shock while the rest of the assembly was silent in respect to the Speaker's final decree. "Why? I don't understand."

    The assembly had suddenly stopped and looked upon the avaiahare, expecting the worst to befall him for suddenly interrupting and questioning the very Horizon Council's Ultimate Decision when it came to the rendering of Veldyne's judgment.

    "The Council has voted," Davasri told him in a strong voice, looking down upon the intruding avaiahare. "This is the Final Judgment."

    "You're... destroying an entire world!?" the aviahare cried out in alarm. "What could be so wrong with it that you would do such a thing? There has to be another option!"



    Skyfate: The Trial of Kyan

    Chapter 1: Judgment Passed

    I went through the wrong door. And yet, it wasn't a mistake.

    The golden doors of Dynama's heavenly white halls were very similar. And it was easy to get lost in them if you weren't always looking up. I had been looking for the quartermaster's office and having only been there once before, I thought the door that was before me was where I was supposed to be for my next Defender Angel assignment.

    Instead, I walked in on what looked much more like a gigantic courtroom. Prior to that day, I had no idea how important and influential that room was. In fact, as naive as I was at that moment, call it luck or fate, but my ignorance of the true nature of that place and my impulsive emotions meant everything.

    "This final end decree for Veldyne will be carried out immediately," a tagrasaw speaker had told everyone in the large courtroom. "As the council has decided, the world of Veldyne will be no more."

    I just stepped back in shock, unable to believe the tagrasaw's words. Her white tiger-like face was completely neutral despite the nature of what she was proclaiming, and even the stance of her half tiger, half hawk body simply showed no sign of emotion. Despite my long and very resourceful rabbit ears, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It sent a chill throughout my entire body and I could have sworn I felt it in every strand of fur.

    "What?" I asked, really questioning if what I heard was actually not mistaken for something completely different. "Why? I don't understand."

    Everyone else had fallen quiet and all of a sudden, all eyes were on me. Every anibrid in that entire room was looking at me, just another avaiahare that had completely stepped into the wrong room. I should have been nervous. I should have cowered back into the shadows and cover the white parts of my fur with the black parts and hope I disappeared enough. But I didn't and I didn't run or fly off in fright like what half-rabbit, half-bird avaiahares are known to do. The audacity.

    "The Council has voted," the stern tagrasaw looked down upon me from the white podium. "This is the Final Judgment."

    I immediately realized she must have been either the conductor or the moderator of this council or meeting. But my protective instinct prevailed over the side of me that was supposed to feel intimidation. Maybe it was wrong or something off balance, but I was already this deep in. If I backed away, it would seem like the biggest wrong I've ever committed.

    "You're... destroying an entire world!?" I shouted in alarm. "What could be so wrong with it that you would do such a thing? There has to be another option!"

    Truly, I had known nothing about the history of the Horizon Council, what an Ultimate Decision was, and knew nothing about Veldyne either prior to walking in on what was one of the most important rooms in all of Dynama. I had questioned authority. A risky, dangerous, and arguably stupid thing to do given my rank and existence in Dynama. And yet, it was the right thing to do.

    "Veldyne was deemed far too corrupt for it to continue to exist," the tagrasaw told me, beginning to sound angry at me now. "I am Speaker Davasri and I decree the Final Judgment upon behalf of the rest of this council! One which you do not have the right to question! The final vote of eight to seven in favor for Veldyne's final judgment has come to pass and will not be revoked!"

    "Eight to seven!?" I asked in shock, thinking that was absurd. "You're letting a single vote make the call between destroying an entire world and killing millions of anibrids from giving it a second chance? How... can you do that so... casually?"

    ----------------

    And I still can't decide! I guess a good question to ask is which one do people prefer?

    Making it double with Caite-Chan!

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    The Maddest Shaymin
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    Ooh this is tough, as both options are pretty good. I'd say I personally think the third person does a better job of setting up the story while the first person does better in introducing us to the character so it depends on which you want to go with.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noblejanobii View Post
    Ooh this is tough, as both options are pretty good. I'd say I personally think the third person does a better job of setting up the story while the first person does better in introducing us to the character so it depends on which you want to go with.
    Yuuuup, this is exactly what I was thinking while writing these.

    I've narrowed it down to one question. Is there more to his story with regards to what is around him or what goes on within him? Trial of Juno, in first person POV, struck base on a lot of personal contemplative reactions to what he saw and it was fun to cover that, but as a result, there was less story behind the other characters. Juno wouldn't know what their personal feelings were, and while he was kind of the "leader" of the story, there were times when it would have been nice to delve into how the other characters were reacting and what their thoughts were. I feel like their stories were just as important but were skipped over a bit simply because of what Juno was aware of versus what he wasn't aware of. Sure, something like Harry Potter would have been interesting to read from Harry's perspective, but it would be completely different and I honestly think major parts of it wouldn't have worked as nicely as the way they work now.

    I think, after doing both of these and considering what would be ahead in the road to come for this story, third person would be the better way to go. Kyan is definitely an important focus of the story, but it's not just about him. There's a lot of other characters to come that need to have their stories told as well.

    Still, thanks for checking these out. And yeah, as you could probably tell, I change the names of things constantly as I often dump in a placeholder name just to keep going with the story and worry about the exact names of things later after thinking of something better.

    Making it double with Caite-Chan!

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    The Maddest Shaymin
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neo Emolga View Post
    Yuuuup, this is exactly what I was thinking while writing these.

    I've narrowed it down to one question. Is there more to his story with regards to what is around him or what goes on within him? Trial of Juno, in first person POV, struck base on a lot of personal contemplative reactions to what he saw and it was fun to cover that, but as a result, there was less story behind the other characters. Juno wouldn't know what their personal feelings were, and while he was kind of the "leader" of the story, there were times when it would have been nice to delve into how the other characters were reacting and what their thoughts were. I feel like their stories were just as important but were skipped over a bit simply because of what Juno was aware of versus what he wasn't aware of. Sure, something like Harry Potter would have been interesting to read from Harry's perspective, but it would be completely different and I honestly think major parts of it wouldn't have worked as nicely as the way they work now.

    I think, after doing both of these and considering what would be ahead in the road to come for this story, third person would be the better way to go. Kyan is definitely an important focus of the story, but it's not just about him. There's a lot of other characters to come that need to have their stories told as well.

    Still, thanks for checking these out. And yeah, as you could probably tell, I change the names of things constantly as I often dump in a placeholder name just to keep going with the story and worry about the exact names of things later after thinking of something better.
    Well I look forward to this no matter what you do! It looks really interesting so I'm excited to see where it goes!
    /// /
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