Judging
So before this starts, the Prankster Platoon gets 50 points as compensation for the very difficult task of judging these wonderful fics--
Yeah I’m joking they’re terrible.
...Still joking. They’re wonderful and as the only two competitors you’ll both be getting absurdly high amounts of points.
Side note, I decided to ramble for pages about my comments on both stories before actually judging things.
Chronoshock
By Neo Emolga of the Steel Scavengers
You begin in media res, which is good for grabbing attention. I was most certainly interested in who these people were, what on earth was going on, why they were fighting, and most importantly how on earth Raxo would manage to survive this.
The first few paragraphs, it was a bit difficult to tell what was going on. It was very easy to tell that Raxo was in dire straits. That said, it was a bit easy to empathize with him. I didn’t know his teammates, his relationship with Headquarters, exactly how significant this was beyond life and death… For a short while I actually thought Raxo was some kind of illegal medical experiment meant to be a weapon, but when I heard about ‘mission’ and ‘HQ’ I did realize that it was a military operation.
Once you did start explaining about the war and the nuclear winter, then I started to fully appreciate how high the stakes actually were. Extinction of not just a single species, but all mammals on that world-- as a mammal myself that sounds incredible in a terrifying way. Most of your exposition seemed to flow with Raxo’s thoughts rather naturally, so it didn’t feel like that much of an exposition dump to me. On the flip side, however, I was rather confused about what exactly Vexo was.
On another note, I would’ve liked to know why exactly it was that Anironica disliked manascript. Do they just not like magic in general? Are there superstitions surrounding it? Has manascript backfired dramatically in the past?
I did like the idea of using technology to use spells and the like, though. Big fan of mixing fantasy and science fiction over here. I would’ve loved to learn more about how exactly it works, because one of my absolute favorite things about worldbuilding(and one of my favorite things about stories is worldbuilding) is seeing how one can make fantasy make sense with pseudoscience.
Now, moving on to my favorite part of your entry. Azurana.
Little known fact. While I love time travel, and shows like Doctor Who, I’m not a big fan of ‘laws of time’ or ‘guardians of the timestream’ types. Mostly because they don’t really define what counts as meddling with the timestream too much, or they say you can’t do something because the consequences are paradoxes, but they’re not very specific in terms of what the paradoxes are or why, exactly, they’re bad.
That said… No contest, Azurana’s my favorite ‘guardian of time’ type.
Why? Because the reason she’s trying to prevent Raxo from going back in time actually makes sense to me. I have never ever, seen memory loss as a direct result of travelling through time, so kudos for originality. And Azurana trying to prevent Raxo from doing it because it would be totally futile, like I said. It’s far more interesting and is makes more sense than vague paradoxes.
I feel as though the conversation/battle between Azurana and Raxo was a bit rushed at times. Or, not the fight. Mostly the revelation of taking things with you into the afterlife onwards. He seems to believe her a bit too quickly, but since the climax kind of passed at that point I understand you trying to wrap things up. And I did like the idea of Raxo learning from Azurana and reviving the practice of magic.
On a separate note, the battle made me curious again about how magic works. How does technology activate it? What limits does it have? Could it be used the other way around, to power technology?
Doubt those questions would be answered, sadly.
Anyways, enough rambling. Onto the grading.
Originality: 10 points. Like I mentioned before, definitely the first time I’ve seen time travel used in this way. Love it to bits.
Characters: 10 points. I loved Azurana so much, even though Raxo didn’t stand out very much to me. The amount of characters you had seemed a little closed off, too.
Coherency: 14 points. The story flowed very smoothly from start to finish.
Spelling and Grammar: 13 points. I saw no obvious errors.
Total: 47 points!
The Butterfly Epoch
By Noblejanobii of the Gracidea Order
Another beginning in media res, but this one clears up what happens much faster. Still all the new terms pertaining to xokhafel culture were a bit difficult to understand at first, I first thought thilthana might be a third species, making Vasnika a three-way hybrid.
That little paragraph did explain the contest, Haskotte, and the Angel Regime rather well, though.
I said this before, but worldbuilding is my favorite thing about reading and writing. And here you were, using a world and species that I have never seen before. And you did rather well in preventing it from being chock-full of exposition dumps. I was totally fascinated but all the little tidbits you included about their biology, or culture, or mythology, or history.
I think you did a rather nice job of introducing Antioch and Rox at that moment, introducing them later would’ve made it a bit awkward. Also there were just little cues in the way they spoke the xokhafel language that, while not immediately apparent, did convey that they weren’t 100% fluent in it. I liked that.
On that note I found Muzapo’s ability to rapidly learn language very interesting. It’s not a talent or power one sees very often, and yet it’s a very interesting and useful one.
Even though he was in no true danger I assume, you still did well with showing Muzapo’s trepidation after being ‘kidnapped’ by Haskotte.
And one little note. It was a bit hard to remember which members of Haskotte were which at first, but I really like the xokhafel’s names. They just seem so foreign, and I keep wondering if any of them have a meaning in their language, or if they’re named after someone?
Hmph. Haskotte’s kind of mean, aren’t they? Perhaps this rebellion isn’t as black and white as I thought it was, especially with Antioch and Rox being so nice.
After they got off Muzapo’s back about him maybe being responsible for Maykrotot’s death, I liked Habiltis better.
I found the interaction between that angel attendant and Muzapo rather amusing, and of course I liked the bit of explanation on xokhafel biology with their eyes and echolocation, and a reminder on what was so bad about the Angel Regime.
While I do like that not every angel is evil incarnate, because that makes for rather flat antagonists, I feel that having most of the angels encountered thus far be either nice or simply feeling superior… Well, lessens the threat felt by them, if that makes sense? I mean, the fact that they’re dominating is in the name, Angel Regime. And yet, until now, it’s a little hard to see the negative effects of their rule.
So, Raven and Malak. I’ll admit, while it was a relief that they both turned out to be good in the end… It was also a slight letdown. It decreased the consequences of loss, somewhat. However, since obtaining the kusanagi and winning the competition presumably happens after the end of the story, I’m a bit more okay with it, I suppose. And I would’ve liked it a bit more if they themselves had shown that they were good, instead of Antioch just telling the others. I feel it would’ve been a bit more emotional, had some more weight to it.
That said, I did like how Raven and Malak made a show of trying to prevent some of the xokhafels from reaching the portal. And I really liked your description of Queen Vasnika, she sounded divine!
I loved how you described Muzapo and the other trying to deal with Zimita’s injury. The fact that Muzapo and the other xokhafels can’t see it due to the daylight and Antioch is unfamiliar with xokhafel biology adds an extra layer of difficulty to it all that I liked.
And here we come to stars, and Hamilton references. Noble, I’m sorry, but I feel really conflicted about this part. I loved hearing the xokhafel’s superstitions and history concerning stars. And Hamilton is one of my favorite musicals. But I really don’t think a reference like that worked here. It’s similar to something that Lin Manuel Miranda mentioned nearly doing but not in Hamilton: The Revolution. I remember in one of the side-notes in Say No to This, he mentioned almost putting a reference to another rap instead of ‘I hadn’t slept in a week, I was weak, I was awake/You never seen a bastard orphan more in need of a break’. But while he knew the audience would probably love it, it was a serious moment in the musical so a reference probably wasn’t the best thing. I think the same thing applies here. The Hamilton fan in me loved the reference, but it was Muzapo recounting a serious moment in his planet’s history, the moment when his species was basically enslaved. As amusing as a sem-parody was, it spoiled the mood.
You mention the Angel Regime dominating other worlds. I’d love to hear about their home world, and how they rule other planets that they’ve dominated…
Now onto my favorite scene here. I love how you handled the encounter with the samurai. Even though Muzapo has a talent with languages, he still needs time to figure it out, and you portrayed both the language barrier and Muzapo very slowly working through it quite nicely. I also found the way that Muzapo, Quastinami, and Jamoheit used physical intimidation to try to scare off the samurai to be a nice touch too-- it was almost like another bit of worldbuilding, seeing how xokhafels try to scare off predators.
Muzapo’s musings with the butterfly… I liked this scene quite a bit, too. He starts to realize how harmless butterflies are, reflecting how most of the angels he’s met at this point are trying to change things on Andolysi for the better.
Perhaps it was adrenaline, but after Haskotte left him alone, Muzapo seemed to forget about his sorrow over Maykrotot, and it just returns in full force in this scene…
Ah, that’s where Raven and Malak went.
Malak made the sign of the cross, you mentioned. Raises some more worldbuilding questions for me. Are these angels aliens of a kind, or are they the ones mentioned in the Bible and created by God? Or did they arrive on Earth and inspire the angels in the Bible, even if it’s not necessarily an accurate reflection of their culture and creation?
The butterfly revealing itself as Maykrotot and defeating the ghost. I love this scene so much.
This feels less like a one-shot ending, and more like the end of the first episode in a TV show if that makes any sense to you? The exposition’s been set, the immediate problem has been solved, but the overarching problem is definitely still there. The adventure has just begun, everyone’s psyched for the journey. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, though if you ever did write a sequel I would most certainly be interested in reading it.
Welp. You could probably figure out your own grading from Neo’s post if you really wanted, since what points he doesn’t get, you do. But here we go.
Originality: 15 points. While I liked Neo’s time travel/fantasy science fiction mashup a bit more, you went the extra mile with a whole new species and planet that had plenty of amazing worldbuilding.
Characters: 15 points. You had a very wide range of characters with different personalities, backgrounds, and skillsets to play with. Most of the main ones ended up with the same goals and intentions, but there was definitely variety and at times conflict, which I liked quite a bit.
Coherency: 11 points. While the story did flow rather smoothly and I could tell what was going on, there were a few moments where unfamiliar terminology temporarily tripped me up.
Spelling and grammar: 12 points. I did notice a few typos, but they didn’t detract my enjoyment or understanding of the story.
Total: 53 points!
Well, this was most certainly fun! Can't wait to see what everyone comes up with next week!
@Neo Emolga @Noblejanobii
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