[PXFIRE] Comics

**Neo Emolga** · 06-28-2018, 02:16 AM

A Story For Miles

Spoiler:

**VeloJello** · 06-28-2018, 04:33 PM

CAPE FIGHT!

Spoiler:

Author's note: this was a really fun prompt! I tend to do fairly large panels, with nine being a bit of a stretch for my maximum number of panels, which is why I have so few panels per page. I also thumbnailed all of this whilst I was writing this in order to help me, so it should be possible to do these pages. ^^' Writing with the perspective that the artist getting this script wouldn't know what I want, precisely, made this a pretty helpful exercise.

**K'sariya** · 06-28-2018, 04:38 PM

Oh, wow, my brain totally fried and scrambled the "The script must be no less than one comic page long and has no upper limit." I thought that we could only do one page! Will probably make some edits to mine if I get a chance.

**arnisd** · 06-28-2018, 08:19 PM

I really don't script this much, ever, most times it's just some general textlines, make some sketches and see how they fit. Most things stay in my head darnit

Healers are fun

Spoiler:

**evanfardreamer** · 07-01-2018, 07:14 PM

Why not start at the beginning? This is the script for the first page of the opener for my MC’s story, set in a slight variant of the Pokemon world that backs off the cartoonish elements. I’m taking inspiration from one of my old fiction stories, but if it ever gets that far, the comic story will go in a different direction.

Spoiler:

**Coru** · 07-01-2018, 08:13 PM

The commotion at home

Spoiler:

Page 1
Panel 1 [Full width of page at the top]: Kelisa, a pink haired teenager, is walking home. The angle is facing her from her front. She has her earphones in and is walking down her street. You can see to the left of her, houses she is walking past, and to the right you can see the road and the front of the houses on the opposite side of the street. On that side of the street you are able to see in the distance a teenager with blue hair. Kelisa is to the middle left of the panel.
Panel 2 [Half width of page]: Kelisa turns into the drive of her house, the shot is from behind her and you can clearly see the door wide open and the windows of her front room smashed.
Panel 3 [Half width of page adjacent to Panel 2] Kelisa enters her house and sees traces blood in her front room and everything knocked on the floor. Her carer, Marcy is nowhere to be seen. The shot is from her shoulder looking into the front room.
At the bottom of panel two and three, centred is a speech bubble saying "Marcy!!!"
Panel 4 [Half width of the page] A shot of Kelisa's panicked face. Her eyes glowing pink. She has a noticeable scar on her left side (Our right) which wasn't noticeable in the previous panels as it was covered with hair but the hair is now windswept.
Panel 5 [Half width of page adjacent to Panel 4 but separated with a lighting bolt shaped separation] A close up of the teenager with blue hair in the background of Panel 1. He looks almost sinisterly calm. You can tell he is also in the house.

Page 2
Panel 6 [Full width of page] The blue haired stranger grabs Kelisa's hand. You can see he has a star shaped tattoo on his wrist. His hold is a lot more tight than Kelisa's is of his hand.
Panel 7 [Full width of page. a lot shorter than Panel 6] A close up of just the eyes for each of them. From this you can still see Kelisa's eyes glowing, but you can see his bright blue eyes and his eyes look emotionless whereas Kelisa's look scared.
Panel 8 [Half width of page]: Kelisa turns to him, shot is from the side of both of them with them both in the frame. In the back is the hallway and the stairs. Kelisa looks terrified and he looks calm. (Speech bubble from Kelisa) "Who are you?! Did you do this? Where's Marcy, I can't sense her!"
Panel 9 [Half width of page adjacent to Panel 8]: This is a shot of just the blue haired stranger from Kelisa's shoulder. As it is in the hallway, in the background you can see a wall with pictures of Kelisa and Marcy, no baby photos however. (Speech bubble from Blue haired stranger) "Kelisa, I can't explain that now. Come with me. I can explain everything, including your powers. You need to trust me."
Final Panel: Just the words "They were looking for you. They will be back" appear across the bottom of the page.

This is just a snippet of an idea for a story I have for a comic. Hopefully it works as it isn't pokemon related. Really looking forward to take this further if future briefs need us to draw it.

**Shruikan** · 07-01-2018, 08:36 PM

This character appeared in my head a few days ago and has been pestering me to draw her, so I thought, why not make it a comic?

Run free, my friends!

Spoiler:

Also, this is my 1000th post! :D

**Nekomata** · 07-02-2018, 05:59 PM

Apologies for the delays. I work 7 days a week in the lab and I no longer have any sense of what day it is. RIP. I'll get the new prompt up shortly and do critiques/judging later in the evening. I'm glad everyone enjoyed the first prompt- I wanted to make sure at least one week was friendly to those who aren't as experienced with drawing to encourage participation and whatnot. =D

**Nekomata** · 07-02-2018, 06:29 PM

Challenge #2 is up guys! Once again, I'm so sorry for the delays. I'll get the judging done ASAP so you guys can get constructive feedback on your scripts. Due to the nature of how these challenges build on each other I would recommend that you wait for the feedback if possible- if not, I want to stress that I am available and willing to offer advice and help with the layouts. Layout is a VERY tricky part of storytelling that is often overlooked. (For reference: I spent 4 weeks on storyboards and layout for one 30 second animation)

If no one minds I'll post the critiques one at a time as I get them done (I'll hit them during breaks) and do the final judging at the end. I feel the feedback is more urgent than scores.

Best of luck guys- and thanks for being patient!

Edit: Please mention/ping or direct message me to get my attention if needed. I'm more likely to notice that way.

**Nekomata** · 07-02-2018, 09:48 PM

Congrats on surviving week one! =D Here are the critiques and feedback for each script! I edited it all in this one post since it was starting to look cluttered as separate posts. I'll post the final scores shortly!

@K'sariya

Spoiler:

Originally Posted by K'sariya

I've never done any comics before, though for an animation class, we had to read "Understanding Comics" by Scott McCloud (which was a really cool, educational comic on understanding the devices that comic artists use to do what they do. It's an older book, and the full PDF of it is actually available here, if anyone's interested!

Anyway, yeah, totally new to me! I hope Bulbasaur's right in that we are just writing a script for this part, because that's what I tried my hand at. It was really fun. I might have over-explained some things, but I tried to think of how I'd explain it if I weren't creating a page that I'd be drawing, so I wanted to communicate as many details to this imaginary artist as possible (hopefully maybe without crimping on their creativity? ; n ;).

Funny how in an animation class you guys look at comics- cause when explaining comics I tend to point a lot towards animation. xD There's a lot of overlap between time based media (animation/film) and comics. Both rely on the same principles and 'rules' to achieve good story telling.

Yup- just a script for now. xD And you are completely right in trying to explain it as if someone else were going to draw it. That's exactly how you want the script to read. I wouldn't worry too much on being TOO specific as to crimp on an artist's creativity. The process of layout tends to changes things up a bit as things get put in visual form.

Anyway- some feedback. My text will be in red.

Pieta

First off, good job with your formatting. The indents and separation of panels/dialogue/etc. make it easier for an artist to quickly identify different parts of the script. Just be sure the formatting is consistent all the way across- your indenting for panels 1-3 are different than panels 4-on.

Below the surface of the open ocean on a clear afternoon. Bright sunshine pierces deeply. There is no land in sight. The ocean floor, miles below, is cast in shadow, where even the light cannot reach.

A row of three small, square panels that rapidly profile and establish the ocean.
Good job establishing the organization of the panels!

Panel One

A shot of the surface, with the clear blue sky eclipsing most of the frame. The sun shines brightly, casting a flaring glare, centered in the sky.

Panel Two

The view shifts deeper, with the surface now eclipsing most of the frame. A slice of the sky is visible at the top to connect the progression from the sky to the sea. The water here is a crystal blue, brightened by shafts of sunlight to establish clear, tropical waters. There are many spears of light, all very thin to show that the view is fairly far-removed. The light illuminates a wispy trail of bubbles emanating from the bottom of the frame.

Panel Three

The sky is no longer visible, only the sea. The upper half of the panel shows the fading edges of the sunlight up above. The bottom half is darker, without the shafts of light that just faded, but still lightly lit by the sun’s dimmed glow. The trail of bubbles continues halfway down the panel, before ending at a tiny, rounded silhouette. It’s one of a smaller, curled slice of body with a massive, almond-shaped appendage attached to it that’s almost larger than the body itself. It’s a black silhouette, with no details visible. It casts a dark shaft of shadow beneath it.

It's a bit strange dedicating 3 panels to establish a scene. I do think it works. However consider having three horizontal panels going down across the page to establish the sense of going down into the ocean. This may be more effective than three panels in the same row. It may require a bit mo

Panel Four
Formatting changes here for some reason. Consistency is good.

A larger panel, full width. The panel’s bottom sits at the center of the page.

The view is much closer now, showing the dark blue form of a Clawitzer drifting in the vastness of the empty panel. The closer view reveals its colors and details. It’s body is tilting upward, as if were drifting upward, its massive claw hanging limply down beneath it. Its smaller claw is held out in front of it, with some sort of shiny, red object balanced on it Its mustached head is tilted down, looking at the object. In a thin, understated serif with no container, its thoughts are the only thing that accompanies it in the blue.

CLAWITZER: What if…

Good job setting the character's position. At first I didn't realize he was facing away from the 'camera' - the next panel cleared that up tough.

Panel Five
A much smaller panel, half width, a fourth of the remaining vertical space.

The panel is filled with the Clawitzer’s perspective, its sideways-tilted claw and the object balanced on it in full view. We see now that the red orb is a spherical gem. It glimmers slightly, even in the dim light. We can slightly see the Clawitzer’s reflection in the gem, and barely, we can see a thick scar that streaks down its whole face.

Panel Six
Below panel five, the same width, filling the rest of the column defined by panel five.

The same as the above panel, but the ghosted, lowered-opacity details of a Staryu frame the gem.

CLAWITZER: ...it’s too late?

Panel Seven
The remaining space of the page.

At the top, cast on a bubble with intensely-streaked edges, the words “HELP!” burst urgently from the right of the panel. Beneath it, a front-on view of the Clawitzer and the gem, but with the Clawitzer’s reaction--alert, head raised and turned toward the sound, the gem now clenched between its claw instead of balanced on top of it (accompanied by a small “clack!” SFX of its claw gripping it). The vibrant, though dark, ocean seems to lose a bit of its color behind it to indicate a subtle shift of the mood.

For this panel, stuff like "HELP" and the "clack" should be treated just like the dialogue above. Almost all text should be done this way. Some ways to format this could be like:

??? (O/P): HELP!

SFX (Claw): clack!

Overall it's a nicely written script. It's believable that the seven panels proposed could comfortably fit in a page. The panel guidelines seem to flow well and what little dialogue/text is present should have no issue fitting in frame with the character. Story wise this is a solid establishing page that succeeds in setting the scene, main character, and tone.

@Noblejanobii

Spoiler:

Originally Posted by Noblejanobii

Alright here we go!

Your turn. My comments in red, of course.

Lucky Travels
First off, organization looks alright. However it would benefit from indenting panel descriptions and dialogue to help make it clearer on where each panel is in the script.

Panel One:
Lucky’s back is to the audience. Staring down one of the streets of Castelia City. Buildings all around. Have some logos on the buildings like in the game, “Pokémon Center” and “Union Tower”, etc. Night time, lots of people walking around. A few people in this panel take notice of Lucky but are more concerned than alarmed. Bright lights big city feel.

You started with an establishing shot! Always a good way to start a story and set the scene.

Panel Two:
Lucky’s ears go straight up in alarm when a service pokémon notices him and starts growling. The owner screams.

Owner: SHINY FERAL!

A service Pokemon? What kind of Pokemon is it? What identifies it as a service Pokemon? Pretend you're scripting for an artist who has no familiarity with your story- these details are important.

Panel Three:
Lucky appears confused and lifts up his front foot as he prepares to run. There is murmuring throughout the crowd as more people take notice of him. Police lights can be seen in the distance.

Are we still behind Lucky? It would be a good idea to note where the 'camera' is in each panel so the artist has an idea on what we should be seeing. In this case it sounds like the camera has moved to sit in front of lucky to see his face.

Panel Four:
Lucky takes off running through the streets. Triangle shaped panel. Close up of his paw. There is a soft "pat pat pat" from his paws hitting the ground.

This is the first time you've mentioned a specific panel shape/size. What about the other panels? Establishing shots are assumed to be larger by default- but are panels two and three horizontal? Vertical? Stacked? Additionally, SFX like the 'pat pat pat' should be treated as dialogue. Example below:

SFX (Running): pat pat pat

Panel Five:
Continue Lucky running through the streets. Triangle shaped panel. Close up of his alarmed expression.

This is clear! Be wary of doing a close up in a triangular panel, however- it could end up having awkward cuts on the character's face!

Panel Six:
Lucky runs down an alleyway. Shot of him with his tail and ears folded down staring at a brick wall. Out of the line of sight but slightly visible through a shadow, Lonbo (shiny golduck) tries to catch Lucky’s attention.

Lonbo: HEY!

This panel reads quite nicely! You've made it clear the Golduck is present in the panel but only via his shadow.

Panel Seven:
Lucky spots Lonbo. Focusing shot on Lonbo gesturing for Lucky to follow him.

Lonbo: This way! Quickly!

Sounds like an over the shoulder type shot here. That'd be the best way to show Lucky noticing Lonbo while still having Lonbo in focus.

Panel Eight:
Lucky follows Lonbo. Shot of both of them running down another alleyway with officers shouting in the distance.

Officers: Where did he go?
Officers: Find him!

Panel Nine:
Lonbo leads Lucky to the sewers. Shot of him holding up a manhole cover and pointing down it. Lucky looks a bit disgusted by the thought.

Lonbo: Just down here. Hurry!

Panel Ten:
Another establishing shot of the Heart of Castelia from BW2 (the garden with the tree in the center) with several different shines inside, both gijinka and feral.

Lonbo: I’m glad we found you in time.

I almost feel like another shot or two of them going through the sewers might help. That or some indications of a jump in time. It's a slightly rough transition without. You also marked this panel as another establishing shot- it's unclear what kind of establishing shot. Are we seeing the garden from above? Or are we down on the ground focusing on the area that Lucky is entering from? The former would make it difficult to see details such as character reactions and the characters present- it may also make it more difficult to see who is talking.

Overall, the script reads fairly well! I think the biggest concern for this would be scope. Assuming this is following a traditional comic format, 10 panels is a lot to put in one page. The average page is around 7-ish panels and may vary depending on timing of events and emotion. I would split this into 2 pages either before or after panel seven. Splitting into two pages would allow you a little more room to add in the aforementioned transitional panels if you should desire.

Great job!

@Neo Emolga

Spoiler:

Originally Posted by Neo Emolga

A Story For Miles
First off- nicely organized. The indents help a lot and each panel is clearly visible upon a quick glance.

It's morning and the sun is starting to appear. Sunlight is starting to pierce through the sky as a new day begins.

Panel One

The morning sun is shining upon a Furret named Miles that is using several old and battered towels as his bed. The light is landing on his face and he is slowly waking. The rest of the concrete room is dirty and worn down and a nearby metal chair has fallen apart.

Good establishing shot!

Panel Two

Miles yawns as he tosses the old towels aside, looking refreshed to begin a new day as the morning light now shines upon him. His fur is a little frizzled.

MILES: Oh wow, morning already!

Panel Three

Miles is seen brushing and grooming himself off while his bedding and towels lay scattered around him. He's smiling and has a very optimistic outlook on today. The reader can easily tell this is a very happy-go-lucky Pokémon who takes pride in his work.

MILES: Well, better get going! I'm sure there will be plenty of new rescue jobs today! Sure don't want to miss out on those!

Good descriptive panel! Gotta let the artist know exactly what kind of character to draw.

Panel Four
Slightly larger panel than the previous three, takes up most of the left side.

The view falls upon an old table with Miles's belongings. His trusty black pouch is there, along with a worn metallic canteen, a red scarf, an Escape Orb, and a somewhat aged Oran Berry. Miles is out of view, but his shadow falls upon the old table as his looks over his supplies and belongings.

MILES: Ha, good thing I packed most of my stuff last night! So much of the rest of the crew depends on me to be prepared!

I'm a bit uncertain about the position and size of this panel. Your previous panels had no indication of size or location on them. It can be assumed the first panel is an establishing shot that takes up the width of the page up top. The next two could be in the same row- and that's what I'm reading from it on first glance. That puts this panel as a vertical panel on the left...

Panel Five
Smaller panel to the right of Panel Four

Miles is seen now wearing his trusty pouch, canteen, and his red scarf is being worn as a bandana. His other paw is being used to push the old metal door with broken windows open and more morning sunlight is pouring into the old room that is Miles's home. Miles is cheerful and ready to head out into the world to embrace a new day of rescue adventures and helping other Pokémon.

... and this panel taking up the top bit of the last corner remaining....

Panel Six
Very large panel taking up the rest of the bottom half of the page.

Miles is seen exiting his tiny house. However, the reader immediately sees in this last panel that Miles's house is in fact what used to be a mechanic's garage. As he steps out, the morning light is seen being cast upon a massive city in ruins. Shells of buildings and empty streets with burnt-out and overturned cars are all around him. A traffic light lies twisted on the ground and the streets are cracked, cratered, and broken apart. A nearby billboard is also half-burnt while the other half is an advertisement for S.S. Anne luxury cruises. In the background, rows upon rows of buildings lie collapsed, blown out, and in ruins for as far as the eye can see into the distance.

MILES: Definitely a fine day for adventure!

...which does not feel like it is leaving much room for this panel's big reveal. I'd suggest maybe laying out the panels in a way that would give some more room for that sixth panel. One thing you can do is:

- First panel is establishing shot: Full width panel, but not too big vertically. Maybe around 1/3rd of the page height, give or take.
- Panels two and three can be on top of each other in the next 'row' - these are smaller actions and thus work well in smaller panels pacing wise.
- Panel four can be to the right of panels two and three. I feel you are overestimating how much space that panel needs. It should be more than doable to fit all those belongings in that space since your character is not directly in the panel.
- Panel Five can be a narrow panel on the left or a cut-in panel within panel 6. This example would give more vertical space for panel 6 to breathe and let that reveal sink in some.

Overall, you have a nice script! Just keep in mind how to maximize your panel space there. You've got a clever little story going on with an overly cheery character (in a good way). That cheeriness helps that twist at the end- so you really need to make sure that final panel has a lot of breathing room for full effect.

PXR says I can't just put everything in a quote without adding two obligatory characters outside of the quote.

@VeloJello

Spoiler:

Originally Posted by VeloJello

CAPE FIGHT!
Organization looks alright. It would be nice to have some sort of indenting or formatting to help each panel and page stick out a bit more. As is, I can't tell where one page ends and the next starts on quick glance.

We open in the middle of a cape fight; two supers are brawling. One - codename Mydas - is a squat white man with curly red hair and a showy blue costume modeled vaguely after a sea turtle. The other - codename Fallen - is a simply-dressed young, tall, olive-skinned woman with two pairs of wings with feathers the same dark brown as her long hair.

[PAGE 1]
PANEL 1: Large, establishing shot that engulfs the full width of the page. Floodwaters swirl around the floor of a crowded, dirty arena illuminated by harsh spotlights that create deep shadows. People of various states shapes and size - some who look like rowdy vagabonds, others wearing casual clothes, and even a sparse few in what looks like cape attire - watch the fight, cheering and jeering. Mydas is seen from a bird's eye view; Fallen’s face is not visible, but her shoulders and wings are seen from behind as she flies above the water.

Good establishing shot!

PANEL 2: Mydas grins viciously and makes fists with both hands, and he raises them from his sides to the sky. The water can be seen rippling strangely at his knees, but he is unfazed by its presence.

PANEL 3: Two huge arms made of water - each about as big around as Mydas himself - lift upward with Fallen in between them, mirroring precisely Mydas’s actions from the previous panel. A cheer erupts from the crowd, many of whom are chanting for Mydas’s success. This appears to be a popular trick of Mydas’s.

The above two panels say a lot. I like that. It really sets up a bit about Mydas- that he's well known, enjoys what he does, and has some fancy powers. That said- what is the paneling supposed to look like? Are they side by side? Horizontal panels that go across the width of the page? There's so many ways you could panel this and I honestly couldn't tell you what would look best cause it's a fun bit. Play with the paneling!

PANEL 4: Close shot of Fallen’s face as she realizes her situation. She is startled and scared.

CROWD: “Finish her!”

Again- some indenting or formatting would be nice to help differentiate between Panel descriptions and dialogue here.

PANEL 5: Small, inlaid panel (over panel 6) of a few crowd members cheering. They are raucous, loud, and excited.

PANEL 6: Much larger panel. The watery hands clap together with a deafening crash, the waves splashing around as the hands merge.

Inlaid panels are fun. This is a very appropriate use of one.

[PAGE 2]
PANEL 1: Mydas tilts his head. His posture is confident and he has a cocky expression.

MYDAS: “You ready to cry uncle, Fallen?”

PANEL 2: The watery hands remain clasped. The fingers on them are barely visible as they’ve locked together.

PANEL 3: The background is very dark for the most part; the floodlights don’t reach up this high. There’s a flash of brilliant golden light as Fallen appears behind the hands, wings outstretched to form an X-shape. The light comes from Fallen herself, originating behind her and creating a powerful silhouette of her.

What's the paneling of panels 1-3 on this page? Two in the top row? I feel panel 3 definitely needs a bit of room for itself.

PANEL 4: Small panel that sits above panel 5 and to the left of panel 6. Fallen's fist is clenched and bathed in light.

PANEL 5: Small panel that sits below panel 4 and to the left of panel 6. Fallen's wings beat, flicking water off of the water hands.

PANEL 6: Close shot of Fallen flying over the hands, her wings straining with the weight as she stays just barely above the monolith of water. She’s a little damp, but no worse for wear. Her fists are clenched and her expression is one of grim determination. Fallen's body is contained by the lower bound of panel 6, but her wings extend above the other surrounding panels.

Good descriptive panel- can definitely see the wings covering bits of other panels to make this one pop more!

PANEL 7: Wide, profile shot of the whole arena. Mydas is panicked, trying to recall the water back to himself; the water isn’t moving fast enough. Fallen streaks ahead, wings locked back in a dive position. The crowd is in an uproar, shocked that Fallen seems to be turning the tables.

[PAGE 3]

PANEL 1: Fallen extends her wings, catching the air. This should be a fairly large panel to show that this maneuver is taking place across Fallen’s entire descent. The line between panel 1 and panel 2 is slightly slanted.

What kind of camera angle is this at? I can see a lot of fun things out of this. Are we watching from behind Mydas? Is it a flat side view?

PANEL 2: Fallen swivels her body, locking her right foot into a kicking position. This should be a fairly large panel to show that this maneuver is taking place across Fallen’s entire descent.

PANEL 3: WHAM! Fallen’s foot smacks against Mydas’s face. This panel is cut in half by the slanted border of panel 4.

PANEL 4: Mydas drops, falling harmlessly into the shallow water, with a red scrape on his cheek where Fallen struck. His mask is ajar from the hit.

PANEL 5: Worm’s eye view of Fallen standing over Mydas with one eyebrow raised. The tower of water is falling into the rest of the arena now, beginning to behave like water again as Mydas is no longer exercising control over it.

PANEL 6: Close shot of Fallen’s face. She has one hand on her hip and with the other, she’s wiping her hair back behind one ear.

FALLEN: “What was that about me crying uncle?”

Really good job overall! I'd say that your story and paneling is all definitely within scope. That said, remember when scripting that the artist (or the judge) cannot read your mind when it comes to camera angles and paneling. Of course, you could always give them freedom, but it doesn't hurt to be a bit more descriptive on that end for the bigger shots.

Author's note: this was a really fun prompt! I tend to do fairly large panels, with nine being a bit of a stretch for my maximum number of panels, which is why I have so few panels per page. I also thumbnailed all of this whilst I was writing this in order to help me, so it should be possible to do these pages. ^^' Writing with the perspective that the artist getting this script wouldn't know what I want, precisely, made this a pretty helpful exercise.

-flails- You weren't supposed to do thumbnails! That's Week Two's challenge! xD Ahaha- it's okay. You can go back and refine 'em or just post them as is.

And I'm glad everyone seemed to enjoy the prompt! I know most people think art when they see comics- so it's good to give the writing side of it a little love.

@arnisd

Spoiler:

As usual, my notes are in red.

Originally Posted by arnisd

Healers are fun
First off, the organization is okay. I can tell where the panels are thanks to the bold, but I have to look for any bit of dialogue in each chunk. I would recommend image searching comic script for ideas on how to organize better!

Character 1: Tanya, female vampire sorceress, red and black cloak. Some trinkets and jewelery? Amulet for later plot line importance? Long ears, fangs, red eyes, black hair. Light skin tone. Backpack with some stuff sticking out on her back.

Character 2: Shun, human undead cleric, cleric robes, white and gold. Carries a mace and wand. Round shield on the back. Satchel to his side. Green eyes, blue skin, green blotches and some darker areas. Brown hair.

Area: Walls made of old brick, blueish and dark, some small cave ins and piles of rocks. Bigger rubble pieces spread here and there. Quite the wide corridor, about two persons tall. Area where characters are standing start, some more irregularities, like opening into a cave.
Big cave multiple downwards aimed rocks from the ceiling and large rocks aimed to the ceiling. Irregular floor, not flat. Some old ruined buildings spread along the cave.

Panel 1 (twice as wide as panels 1 and 2): Close up wooden wizard/sorcerers staff head bottom right of the panel, with some lingering magical flames on it. Movement lines from left to right, some blur for added effect. Giant rat, kobold, goblin? Hit by flames, disappearing into gold dust. Tanya holds the staff, standing in at the end of a swinging action pose. Tanya takes up most of the right side of the panel. Shun is seen in the middle, appearing concerned and holding his mace with both hands up front.

Establishing shot panel, but we're already in some sort of action. Problem is I'm not entirely sure what's supposed to be going on. Where are we? You set an area above- but that was for the general story. Where does this panel take place? You say the staff head is in the bottom right of the panel and then that Tanya is taking up most of the right side of the panel. You mention movement lines- but what's moving? There are monster names but even you seem unsure of what is going on. Remember that you are scripting for someone who has no idea what's in your mind- you need to be clear and concise otherwise the artist will be even more confused than you are.

Panel 2: Tanya wipes some sweat away, standing proud, chest forward towards Shun, smiling. Shun doesn’t relax down, still holding his mace and looking anxious and meager. “I don’t like this Tanya… I don’t think this was a good idea…” Tanya at the right of the panel, Shun to the left, face tilted downwards to the side, eyes also directed to the ground into that direction.

You are writing the script like a novel. Remember that scripts are not novels. Dialogue and text should be separate. Panel description and character placements should be above that. Example of how this could be rewritten:

Wide shot of Tanya and Shun. Tanya stands screen right, Shun stands screen left. Tanya is wiping some sweat away, proudly facing Shun. Shun, still holding his mace, looks away towards the ground. He is clearly tense and anxious.

SHUN: I don't like this, Tanya... I don't think this was a good idea..."

Panel 3: Tanya sighs, closing her eyes, head tilted downwards, shoulder shrugged upwards. “This is a low level dungeon Shun.” Shun looks up and shows some confidence. “I know but somethings doesn’t add up.”

Again- dialogue should be separate. When working on the pages, an artist needs to be able to clearly see each part of each page and each part of each panel. This helps them work more efficiently. For example, seeing the dialogue separate from the panel description let's them know with a single glance how much space should be left for speech bubbles.

Panel 4 (‘zoom out’, same width as p1): “Look at all these weak *** spawns, how tough can the boss really be!?” Shout bubble, show massive cave with boss monster inside, all the way up to the ceiling. Show they were standing next to one of its giant claw, dug into the earth. Something between darksouls giant lord of cinder, a dog and balrock perhaps. Fiery red eyes, long tail, giant sword held by hand. Somewhat of a canine skull appearance at the head. Some ‘small’ pieces of rubble fall down.

Panel 5: Close up to Tanya showing anxiety looking upwards, mouth drops low, finger in the air and bend down, Shun seems impressed? Excited? Eyes are large, puppy esk. Holds the mace close to him with a strong grip. Half body shots.

I feel like a panel of them realizing the boss is next to them between 4 and 5 would be beneficial. Right now it kinda goes from "This is easy" immediately to "WHAT IS THAT" without any time for them to go "Wait what is that?"

Panel 6: Shun shouts ‘Fluffles’ all excited, arms in the air like he doesn’t care. Tanya seems very confused, eyes dart to look at Shun. “The what?” Extra close up to the busts.

Panel 7(same zoom out as p4): Cloud of dust, poof, monster gone, show some line of something falling down.

Panel 8: Shun holding a rabbit, or some other small critter, looking positively happy, rubbing his check against the head, perhaps some small hearts flying all over the place, some extra lighting. “You have a pet?” Tanya asks, still not fully convinced about what just occurred. “He gets all gwumpy if I’m not around, haven’t seen him since I was alive.”

Panel 9: “How did a human cleric ever get a demon beast under control?” Tanya asks, a bit more postured, more laid back, still somewhat confused. Hands on top of the staff head, staff tilted forwards. “How did a vampire learn fire magic, when it burns them alive?” Shun retorts, holding up fluffles in the air, perhaps pouting his lips a bit, eyes triple lines. Fluffles back is shown in the panel, shun facing reader, Tanya facing Shun. “Point taken undead cleric.” Tanya retort.

Overall I think the scripting is suffering from the novel-like writing. I'm struggling to piece together an image of the page in my mind. From what I can work out, however- I do have concerns over the scope of the page. 9 panels is a lot for a non-action scene and this, while it has some in the establishing shot, is a slower paced scene. Additionally the big monster reveal definitely needs a lot of page room- as does the establishing shot. You may require a second page to best express this visually without it feeling cluttered or compressed.

The story itself is quite cute however! Remember: Necromancy is just REALLY late healing. =)

@evanfardreamer

Spoiler:

---

Panel format should be six panels per page, two wide and three high. First portion of the story should use warm colors, as it’s set in late summer in the middle of a severe drought. Main character is Evan, a boy of 11 who usually wears shorts, a t-shirt, and a nondescript ball cap. Pale skin, kid-length blonde hair, blue eyes. Secondary character is Davis, a reasonably tall man, tanned skin with dark, short hair and brown eyes. Usually wears black shirts/pants and no cap.

Generally, Pokemon should appear as they do in the anime – there’s a little more variety when it comes to stripes, spots, etc. placement but they should be recognizable to people that watched the original shows as kids.

Organization could use a lot of work. Clearly mark each panel so it's easily discernible at a quick glance. Use bold, underlines, etc. on them and separate them out with spaces. Indenting the contents of each panel also helps a lot.

Panel 1 – establishing shot of a lake in a forest, with noticeably low water level. Perhaps different colors below and above the normal water line? Trees and bushes surrounding the lake should also be dry and scraggly, maybe a few live leaves but mostly wilted.

Above you say the panel organization is 3 rows of 2 panels. However, it is common for establishing shots to take up the whole width of the page up top. I would recommend this, especially for a big setting like a lake.

Panel 2 – MC and his Growlithe sitting in the scant shade of a thick tree trunk, gazing at the lake. Drenched in sweat, damp clothes/fur if feasible for size.
Panel 3 – some sort of visual cue in the air towards the horizon, something approaching the lake from the air. Boy and Pokemon both notice.

Above panels read well!

Panel 4 – Mesprit is recognizeable but small, barreling towards the water at an angle; can see its eyes fixed directly on MC. Another figure (Dragonite, may be too small to identify) chasing it.
Panel 5 – Mesprit dives into lake, leaving just a splash of water. Dragonite closer, spreads wings to stop flight. On its back is Davis, peering down into the water.
Panel 6 – Water hue should change to bright blue, perhaps having special effects to show something extraordinary just occurred (teleported from one lake to another far away). Now Davis looks up, frustration on his face, and spots the MC. Bold red R on Davis' black shirt’s pocket.

I don't have much to say. It's a fairly simple script. A good beginning to set the scene. Just be aware that you should assume that the artist reading this has no idea what you are thinking- be descriptive and don't be afraid to be creative with panels. I'd suggest maybe merging the 2nd panel into the establishing shot- a big panel with the tree and characters in the foreground facing the entirety of the lake. This would give more room to focus on the more action-y shots.

@Coru

Spoiler:

Originally Posted by Coru

The commotion at home

First glance on organization/formatting, you're running into the same problem as some of the others- you need to make sure each panel is very clearly marked. It helps to have the panel content in a separate line below the panel identifier. Indents, etc. help too. Use of bold is appreciated though!

Page 1
Panel 1 [Full width of page at the top]: Kelisa, a pink haired teenager, is walking home. The angle is facing her from her front. She has her earphones in and is walking down her street. You can see to the left of her, houses she is walking past, and to the right you can see the road and the front of the houses on the opposite side of the street. On that side of the street you are able to see in the distance a teenager with blue hair. Kelisa is to the middle left of the panel.

Good establishing shot. Establishes both the scene and position of characters relative to one another.

Panel 2 [Half width of page]: Kelisa turns into the drive of her house, the shot is from behind her and you can clearly see the door wide open and the windows of her front room smashed.
Panel 3 [Half width of page adjacent to Panel 2] Kelisa enters her house and sees traces blood in her front room and everything knocked on the floor. Her carer, Marcy is nowhere to be seen. The shot is from her shoulder looking into the front room.
At the bottom of panel two and three, centred is a speech bubble saying "Marcy!!!"

Dialogue should be separate from panel descriptions. Also why have the bubble over both panels two and three? It feels a bit strange. Maybe keep it just to panel 2.

Panel 4 [Half width of the page] A shot of Kelisa's panicked face. Her eyes glowing pink. She has a noticeable scar on her left side (Our right) which wasn't noticeable in the previous panels as it was covered with hair but the hair is now windswept.

If her hair was covering the scar, that's something important to note in the first panel that is relevant to- not later on.

Panel 5 [Half width of page adjacent to Panel 4 but separated with a lighting bolt shaped separation] A close up of the teenager with blue hair in the background of Panel 1. He looks almost sinisterly calm. You can tell he is also in the house.

Page 2
Panel 6 [Full width of page] The blue haired stranger grabs Kelisa's hand. You can see he has a star shaped tattoo on his wrist. His hold is a lot more tight than Kelisa's is of his hand.
Panel 7 [Full width of page. a lot shorter than Panel 6] A close up of just the eyes for each of them. From this you can still see Kelisa's eyes glowing, but you can see his bright blue eyes and his eyes look emotionless whereas Kelisa's look scared.
Panel 8 [Half width of page]: Kelisa turns to him, shot is from the side of both of them with them both in the frame. In the back is the hallway and the stairs. Kelisa looks terrified and he looks calm. (Speech bubble from Kelisa) "Who are you?! Did you do this? Where's Marcy, I can't sense her!"
Panel 9 [Half width of page adjacent to Panel 8]: This is a shot of just the blue haired stranger from Kelisa's shoulder. As it is in the hallway, in the background you can see a wall with pictures of Kelisa and Marcy, no baby photos however. (Speech bubble from Blue haired stranger) "Kelisa, I can't explain that now. Come with me. I can explain everything, including your powers. You need to trust me."
Final Panel: Just the words "They were looking for you. They will be back" appear across the bottom of the page.

This is just a snippet of an idea for a story I have for a comic. Hopefully it works as it isn't pokemon related. Really looking forward to take this further if future briefs need us to draw it.

Overall, organization/formatting aside, it looks pretty good. Story has potential and the paneling/script is within scope.

@Shruikan

Spoiler:

Originally Posted by Shruikan

This character appeared in my head a few days ago and has been pestering me to draw her, so I thought, why not make it a comic?

Run free, my friends!
Nicely formatted and easy to read! Consider using indents for the parts under each panel, but otherwise looks great!
Panel 1

Establishing shot of a small part of a quiet country town, like you'd find in a JRPG. The buildings are spaced apart, and look more on the side of old fashioned, like medieval houses, while the roads are just dirt paths. There are mainly shops, and is a shop with an oval sigh hanging out in front declaring it a florists.

Kaira is walking down the street. She is glancing excitedly at one of the shops.
Kaira looks like a hybrid of a dragon and a deer, with a deer's legs & hooves, and antlers, a dragonlike snout and small wings. She has a long tail that has two leaves growing from it at the end,. She is mostly green, with a brown patch running from her nose along her back and partway down her tail.

KAIRA: Wow, I never knew that humans sold so many different things!

Good establishing shot!

Panel 2

Kaira turns her head as she walks and notices the florists shop.

Don't forget to specify camera angles!

Panel 3

Kaira goes all cartoony with a look of horror/dismay, with the thinker outline, single black dot eyes, etc. The background is replaced with a flat single colour.

Does-this-count-as-a-panel/ Panel 3.5

Small black bar running across the page with "Some time later" written inside.

Yes. Yes it does. =)

Panel 4

Two humans are walking down a road. They are dressed in the same style as the buildings, tunics and fantasy outfits. One, called Lyra, is female, and the other, Finn, is male. Finn has short light blonde hair and wears mainly red and brown, Lyra has chin length red hair and wears mostly light blue and beige. There are some trees in the background, but otherwise the panel is mainly sky & the people.

LYRA: "Did you hear? Apparently someone broke into the florist earlier and stole all the plants!"

Panel 5

Close up of Finn looking shocked.

FINN: "Who would do such a thing?"

Panel 6

This panel stretches across the entire bottom of the page. The ground is dug up and there is a row of flowers planted haphazardly, with Kaira sitting in the center planting another one, with a huge pile of pants in pots and baskets piled up behind her. You can see a bit of the side of the house nearby; the porch comes onto the the panel at the right hand edge, but just barley. Person 2 is looking the anime like shocked disbelief, with no colour and his jaw dropped.

FINN: Kaira, what are you doing!?

KAIRA: Freeing these plants back into the wild!

Again- camera. Where are the humans standing? On either side of the panel with the camera behind them?

Overall, very nicely done. Simple with a cute story. Each panel reads well for the most part and the entire thing could definitely fit within one page. Great job!

Also, this is my 1000th post! :D

Thread: [PXFIRE] Comics

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