Healers are fun
First off, the organization is okay. I can tell where the panels are thanks to the bold, but I have to look for any bit of dialogue in each chunk. I would recommend image searching comic script for ideas on how to organize better!
Character 1: Tanya, female vampire sorceress, red and black cloak. Some trinkets and jewelery? Amulet for later plot line importance? Long ears, fangs, red eyes, black hair. Light skin tone. Backpack with some stuff sticking out on her back.
Character 2: Shun, human undead cleric, cleric robes, white and gold. Carries a mace and wand. Round shield on the back. Satchel to his side. Green eyes, blue skin, green blotches and some darker areas. Brown hair.
Area: Walls made of old brick, blueish and dark, some small cave ins and piles of rocks. Bigger rubble pieces spread here and there. Quite the wide corridor, about two persons tall. Area where characters are standing start, some more irregularities, like opening into a cave.
Big cave multiple downwards aimed rocks from the ceiling and large rocks aimed to the ceiling. Irregular floor, not flat. Some old ruined buildings spread along the cave.
Panel 1 (twice as wide as panels 1 and 2): Close up wooden wizard/sorcerers staff head bottom right of the panel, with some lingering magical flames on it. Movement lines from left to right, some blur for added effect. Giant rat, kobold, goblin? Hit by flames, disappearing into gold dust. Tanya holds the staff, standing in at the end of a swinging action pose. Tanya takes up most of the right side of the panel. Shun is seen in the middle, appearing concerned and holding his mace with both hands up front.
Establishing shot panel, but we're already in some sort of action. Problem is I'm not entirely sure what's supposed to be going on. Where are we? You set an area above- but that was for the general story. Where does this panel take place? You say the staff head is in the bottom right of the panel and then that Tanya is taking up most of the right side of the panel. You mention movement lines- but what's moving? There are monster names but even you seem unsure of what is going on. Remember that you are scripting for someone who has no idea what's in your mind- you need to be clear and concise otherwise the artist will be even more confused than you are.
Panel 2: Tanya wipes some sweat away, standing proud, chest forward towards Shun, smiling. Shun doesn’t relax down, still holding his mace and looking anxious and meager. “I don’t like this Tanya… I don’t think this was a good idea…” Tanya at the right of the panel, Shun to the left, face tilted downwards to the side, eyes also directed to the ground into that direction.
You are writing the script like a novel. Remember that scripts are not novels. Dialogue and text should be separate. Panel description and character placements should be above that. Example of how this could be rewritten:
Wide shot of Tanya and Shun. Tanya stands screen right, Shun stands screen left. Tanya is wiping some sweat away, proudly facing Shun. Shun, still holding his mace, looks away towards the ground. He is clearly tense and anxious.
SHUN: I don't like this, Tanya... I don't think this was a good idea..."
Panel 3: Tanya sighs, closing her eyes, head tilted downwards, shoulder shrugged upwards. “This is a low level dungeon Shun.” Shun looks up and shows some confidence. “I know but somethings doesn’t add up.”
Again- dialogue should be separate. When working on the pages, an artist needs to be able to clearly see each part of each page and each part of each panel. This helps them work more efficiently. For example, seeing the dialogue separate from the panel description let's them know with a single glance how much space should be left for speech bubbles.
Panel 4 (‘zoom out’, same width as p1): “Look at all these weak *** spawns, how tough can the boss really be!?” Shout bubble, show massive cave with boss monster inside, all the way up to the ceiling. Show they were standing next to one of its giant claw, dug into the earth. Something between darksouls giant lord of cinder, a dog and balrock perhaps. Fiery red eyes, long tail, giant sword held by hand. Somewhat of a canine skull appearance at the head. Some ‘small’ pieces of rubble fall down.
Panel 5: Close up to Tanya showing anxiety looking upwards, mouth drops low, finger in the air and bend down, Shun seems impressed? Excited? Eyes are large, puppy esk. Holds the mace close to him with a strong grip. Half body shots.
I feel like a panel of them realizing the boss is next to them between 4 and 5 would be beneficial. Right now it kinda goes from "This is easy" immediately to "WHAT IS THAT" without any time for them to go "Wait what is that?"
Panel 6: Shun shouts ‘Fluffles’ all excited, arms in the air like he doesn’t care. Tanya seems very confused, eyes dart to look at Shun. “The what?” Extra close up to the busts.
Panel 7(same zoom out as p4): Cloud of dust, poof, monster gone, show some line of something falling down.
Panel 8: Shun holding a rabbit, or some other small critter, looking positively happy, rubbing his check against the head, perhaps some small hearts flying all over the place, some extra lighting. “You have a pet?” Tanya asks, still not fully convinced about what just occurred. “He gets all gwumpy if I’m not around, haven’t seen him since I was alive.”
Panel 9: “How did a human cleric ever get a demon beast under control?” Tanya asks, a bit more postured, more laid back, still somewhat confused. Hands on top of the staff head, staff tilted forwards. “How did a vampire learn fire magic, when it burns them alive?” Shun retorts, holding up fluffles in the air, perhaps pouting his lips a bit, eyes triple lines. Fluffles back is shown in the panel, shun facing reader, Tanya facing Shun. “Point taken undead cleric.” Tanya retort.
Overall I think the scripting is suffering from the novel-like writing. I'm struggling to piece together an image of the page in my mind. From what I can work out, however- I do have concerns over the scope of the page. 9 panels is a lot for a non-action scene and this, while it has some in the establishing shot, is a slower paced scene. Additionally the big monster reveal definitely needs a lot of page room- as does the establishing shot. You may require a second page to best express this visually without it feeling cluttered or compressed.
The story itself is quite cute however! Remember: Necromancy is just REALLY late healing. =)
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