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  1. #1
    Cheers and good times! Neo Emolga's Avatar
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    PXR Christmas Advent Calendar: December 19th

    PXR ChRiSTmaS AdVEnT CALenDAr: DeCemBeR 19TH!

    It's December 19th! Just six more days until Christmas! And while it may be my last Advent Calendar day and the final epic conclusion to my flying squirrel mischief, I want it to be extra mischievous. Extra devious! Extra sassy with a side of silly! Yes, we're intentionally getting on the Naughty List on this one! So join a mischievous flying squirrel for the most roguish Advent Calendar entry ever! Don't worry, there will be cookies. And you'll still get your presents. I still have some immunity cards left over. They almost look authentic!

    At our first stop, we're giving jolly ol' St Nick a reality check. With the power of science and math! Oh sure, I'm certain there are still certain peeps out there that believe in Santa Claus and the Radio City Christmas Spectacular and the Polar Express would love to have you on board for that. But... the Institute for Electrical and Electronic Engineers Central Virginal Section probably won't be joining on that sleigh ride. Well, maybe because...

    SANTA CLAUS: AN ENGINEER'S PERSPECTIVE


    There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

    Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

    Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purpose of the calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles (1.3 km) per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles (125.83 million km), not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second (1083 km/s), 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest manmade vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at poky 27.4 miles per second (45.7 km/s), and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour (25 km/h) - that is four thousands of a mile (4/1000) per second (6.9 m/s).

    The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium size Lego set (two pounds, or 0.906 kg, that is), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons US (508,000 t metric), not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds (136 kg). Even granting that the “flying” reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with only eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons (54,864 t metric), or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

    600,000 tons (606,600 t metric) travelling at 650 miles per second (1083 km/s) creates enormous air resistance, and this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion Joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst in flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second (0.00426 s), or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

    Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from dead stop to 650 miles per second (1083 km/s) in 0.001 seconds, would be subjected top acceleration forces of 17,500 g’s. A 250 pound (113 kg) Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force (195,470 kg force, or 1.9547 MN), instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

    Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
    Source


    Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night? Hey, and as far as we know, the Easter Bunny doesn't even have a method of transportation! Well, he's cute so he gets away with it. And bunnies are darn fast unlike the big boy in red.

    Well, if you think that was a little brutal, I'm not finished! Nope, not even close! Because this smear gets even naughtier!

    Let's face it, when it comes to Christmas songs, by now, you might have gotten your fill of Last Christmas, Baby It's Cold Outside, Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire, and all that other stuff ya ya ya. You've probably heard the pop versions and those old-school Bing Crosby versions a zillion times by now. You know those exist and the way they loop in your head have made sure of that. Everywhere you go from the malls, waiting rooms, and probably even the public restrooms make sure you haven't forgotten! Nothing like having the sweet and sincere Silent Night playing while you're trying to take a dump, eh?

    But did you know heavy metal Christmas songs exist!? They do, and they're great! Here's a video with 17 of them, including metallic goodies from Iron Maiden, Ozzy Osbourne, AC/DC, and many others! The malls have been hiding them from you, but no longer! Their plans have been foiled thanks to me! Embrace my good deed of the day as you enjoy these festive and jubilant holiday melodies!



    You can thank me later! I'll show you my tip jar!

    Now if you're looking for some dark holiday humor, I specialize in that, too! If that old tired version of Jingle Bell Rock is still going on endlessly in your head despite trying to purge it with that last collection, let a naughty friendly Emolga help sort that out by giving you something that you definitely won't forget for a while!

    Weird Al, the guy who brought you timeless classics like Fat, Amish Paradise, and White and Nerdy also brought you this beloved Christmas melody if you haven't already discovered this fun and lovely holiday gem:



    LYRICS:
    Spoiler:
    Down in the workshop all the elves were making toys
    For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
    When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
    Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
    From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
    Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
    And he smiled as he said, with a twinkle in his eye,
    "Merry Christmas to all, now you're all gonna die!"

    The night Santa went crazy
    The night St. Nick went insane
    Realized he'd been gettin' the raw deal
    Something finally must have snapped in his brain

    Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
    Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
    And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
    And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
    He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
    And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddie Krueger
    And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbecued Blitzen
    And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"

    The night Santa went crazy
    The night Kris Kringle went nuts
    Now you can hardly walk around the North Pole
    Without stepping in reindeer guts

    There's the National Guard and the F. B. I.
    There's a van from the Eyewitness News
    And helicopters circling around in the sky
    And the bullets are flying, the body count's rising
    And everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
    My my my my my my
    You used to be such a jolly guy

    Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time
    In a federal prison for his infamous crime
    Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears
    He'll be out with good behavior in seven hundred more years
    But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous
    And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
    And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night
    With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

    They're talkin' 'bout
    The night Santa went crazy
    The night St. Nicholas flipped
    Broke his back for some milk and cookies
    Sounds to me like he was tired of getting gypped

    Wo-oh, the night Santa went crazy
    The night St. Nick went insane
    Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
    Something finally must have snapped in his brain
    Wo-oh, something finally must have snapped in his brain
    Tell ya, something finally must have snapped, in his brain


    Hey, I promised today would be a day of new perspectives! I hope you had lots of fun and minimal contributions to your post-traumatic stress disorder!

    Okay, so I think it might be good to close up here before we not only get ourselves on the Naughty List, but violate the Geneva Convention as well! So take an immunity card (almost authentic!), let me validate your parking with that funny little machine I... found laying around, and send you on your merry way! I have extra jingle bells in case your local dollar store ran out!


    Merry Christmas to you all and enjoy a Happy and Wily New Year in 2019!

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  3. #2
    @Neo Emolga Thank you for your funny post! I really like the engineer's perspective about Santa Claus (at first, I thought you had written it yourself) and the song about "the night Santa went crazy". Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you as well! :D



    Special thanks to Fate for this cute avatar and this cute banner! :D
    Special thanks to AD for this awesome Chikorita GIF! :D

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  5. #3
    Lover of Centipedes Scytherwolf's Avatar
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    Okay, the image of 360,000 burning reindeer flying through the sky is hilarious. And wow, that Santa went crazy song reawakened old memories I'd completely forgot I had. xD


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  7. #4
    Cheers and good times! Neo Emolga's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cleobel View Post
    @Neo Emolga Thank you for your funny post! I really like the engineer's perspective about Santa Claus (at first, I thought you had written it yourself) and the song about "the night Santa went crazy". Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you as well! :D
    Ha ha, but yeah, I can't math like that! But it's a fun and hilarious read. >:3

    Quote Originally Posted by Scytherwolf View Post
    Okay, the image of 360,000 burning reindeer flying through the sky is hilarious. And wow, that Santa went crazy song reawakened old memories I'd completely forgot I had. xD
    According to Santa, they taste just like chicken!

    Ah, Weird Al is a genius. XD

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  9. #5
    Hop to it! TotodileHop24's Avatar
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    Wow. I'm not sure whether I want to laugh or cry... that Engineer's perspective bit was a total Christmas buzzkill. Although yes, that Weird Al song is pretty great. XD

    Thanks Neo! >=(

    - Keep trying - Keep smiling - Keep climbing -

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  11. #6
    Cheers and good times! Neo Emolga's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TotodileHop24 View Post
    Wow. I'm not sure whether I want to laugh or cry... that Engineer's perspective bit was a total Christmas buzzkill. Although yes, that Weird Al song is pretty great. XD

    Thanks Neo! >=(
    Muha ha ha ha ha! Leave it to science and math to squeeze the magic and fun out of something! See it as Halloween getting a little payback for Christmas trying to come too early again! XD

    Although I'm still not sure why we squeeze all the fun and more meaningful holidays all into the end of the year while the rest of the year is pretty mild. Really, May through June and August through September have so much blank space that could be occupied with something fun!

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