Dragon Master's Poetry and Short Stories

[Suicune's Fire]

I liked the stories! It was cool how the fletchling one included the two ninetales from Yellow, as that was one of my favourite stories. I'm going to talk about that description story first. I won't point out everything, but I'll plant a few seeds in your mind for you to consider.

Firstly, there's the issue of detachment. I know it's meant to be description and not necessarily for people to read, but it feels detached in two ways: emotional and being fragments, rather than one big "river" of text that flows nicely. It does flow, but it's in pieces at parts. The emotional part isn't so much about being like "OH AND THAT TREE MADE ME HAPPY WHEREAS THAT BIG LAKE IS SADDENING." Nothing like that. xD I just meant the investment into the description, such as putting feel into how you describe it and really making the beauty come to life. You use many neutral words that can be seen as the basis for description, but without much heart yet. As an example,

Looking behind me, I see the hill leading up and away from the lake. I can’t see the top though, as trees block my vision. All around I see trees of various species. Many pine and oak trees, as well as the occasional birch.

This is quite neutral in that it very basically describes this view to us. To include a more emotive feel, you could call the trees lonely, the hill steep and weather-worn, and give connotations to the various species that this character sees. It could be that they dislike oak trees and love birches, because tiny little extra words can give off that vibe. It doesn't take much to give character to the narrator or the things around them. ^^

Another point I have to raise is repetition. Sometimes this isn't easy to pick up until you reread what you've written. An example is here:

I quickly turn back and continue down the driveway. Looking to my left, I see a pile of wood. Next to it is a log with an old axe in it. I quickly grab the axe before walking to the front of the house. I quickly ascend the steps to the porch, each of the four stairs creaking along the way. I reach the door and set the axe down. Reaching in my pocket, I quickly remove the key. Wanting to get inside and away from the cold, I insert the key into the door and unlock it. I quickly open it and pick the axe back up.

Read over that and count the number of times you use "quickly." xD Repetition of the single word can disrupt the immersion a reader feels, as it shows a lack of vocabulary or thought put into the piece. Of course, that's being harsh. That's why, through practice, you develop a thesaurus in your own mind from which you can quickly pull synonyms. For instance, my favourite synonym for "quickly" is "promptly." I use it a lot. xD Let's see, off the top of my head, I can think of:
Quickly, promptly, hurriedly, in a rush, rapidly...that's all I can really think of. XD So now, with my handy dictionary... "swiftly, speedily, hastily," and then you can branch into related words like "suddenly, immediately, abruptly," etc. Soooo many words! So put them to good use! A story with variation in its expressions will outshine stories with boring, repetitive terminology. Sometimes it's good to write basic pieces without much thought, and then go back over it and change as many words as you can to make it more interesting. It can be a good exercise!

Next up is something I definitely had to learn myself, through experience--although, not without help from others. I remember this one particular passage in TtEoaF where I was advised by someone not to word things in this manner. It was back when Dusty was on the ship and she was in a crate, and she ran into a grotle. She described him from top to bottom, or bottom to top - whatever it was - and the story literally stopped just to describe him. Yes, it's good imagery, but no, it wasn't well integrated. And that wasn't the only place where I did that. I did it basically every time I described a new pokemon. I was really trying to go for "show, don't tell" but instead I showed every unnecessary detail...while telling it. XD Anyway, here's an example:

To my right, there is a small kitchen area, containing a small counter and a refrigerator. On the counter sits an old fashioned black phone. Just above the sink, there is a small window covered in blinds. I set the axe on the counter and keep walking through the room. In the front to my right is a kitchen table and chairs. To my left, the room connects to a living room. To my front is a glass sliding door.

This is what I meant by 'fragmented,' and although that wasn't part of the issue I was talking about that I had to learn about, the issue is still present. And that is that you stop the story to describe something. What I was told to do was work it into the story as the characters do things. Such as, instead of describing an espeon as sleek and purple with a tail that splits into two, you could tell us that "the espeon strode gracefully as its delicate paws moved past sleek body, its tail waving slowly behind it as the split end seemed to stroke the air" or something. Basically, incorporate description into action, so the character observes the details as things are happening, like they would in real life. xD As an example, here's the difference between the first time I wrote that grotle scene, then the second time:

Spoiler:

I flinched as a heavy paw stepped on top of mine which dirtied my paw all the more, and flicked my head to its direction to confirm that. In front of me was a round, mostly green-coloured Pokémon with two bushes on its back. I could see three large legs rounded off with thick paws from this angle, but it obviously had four. Each had three small claws, and the paws themselves were yellow. The legs went to green, which attached to its body. Half its head was cut off by the large yellow armour it carried on its back which held the two bushes.
Its mouth had a hooked beak like a bird Pokémon, and its cheeks came to a point and were yellow; matching the bottom jaw. There were also three brown streaks that were not flat, which ran along the armour—two of them disappearing on either side of the middle one under the leaves.

Then the new version:

I flinched as a something heavy stepped on top of my paw, dirtying it all the more, and I flicked my head to its direction. In front of me was a round, mostly green-coloured pokémon with two bushes on its back. I could see three large legs rounded off with thick paws from this angle, but there were obviously four. I ascended to his face, noting that half his head was cut off by the large yellow armour he carried on his back. His mouth was hooked, and his cheeks came to points and were yellow, matching the bottom jaw. As fancy and nature-loving as he was, he had no excuse for standing on my now-thumping toes!

That's not a great example, but I always remembered it. The first explanation is very long-winded, and awkwardly expressed. The second is shorter, sweeter, and leaves out the unnecessary detail. It doesn't really give a good example of describing the grotle while he's moving or doing something, but I did edit this ages ago, so even by now I've improved more. xD

So that's that, and I hope it helped. I'm just going to say that other random things were amiss with it, such as a few grammatical errors, such as saying it's instead of its when you mention the oars. Nothing big. ^^

NOW FOR THE FLETCHLING STORY.

“You were right,” The first Pokemon said quietly, “this place does look perfect for hunting.”

“Yeah.” The second Pokemon said. “Lets look for the lowest nests.”

I notice that you haven't got a grasp on your speech grammar yet. I don't know if you've listened to what I've said about it (XD) but I'm sure you have; it takes practice. So, the first speech there is practically perfect, but the T of "The first pokemon" should be a lowercase, because right before it...there's a comma. It's still the same sentence. If you have that "The" there with a capital T, then you're essentially sticking a random capital letter in the middle of a sentence.

The second one needs a comma after "Yeah" because "The second pokemon said" is a continuation of that sentence. Therefore, not only should there be a comma after "Yeah" but there also needs to be a lowercase T for "The" again. It's fine to have a full stop after "said" because that's the end of the sentence, but "Lets" is an abbreviation. It's short for "let us," and because of that, we need to substitute the U in "us" for an apostrophe. So it will ALWAYS be let's if you're saying "let's go do something" because you're saying "let us." There's one instance where the apostrophe isn't needed, and that's when "lets" is a substitute for "allows," and when it's not short for "let us." For instance, "But she lets us swim in the mornings!" If you put an apostrophe in there, it would be "But she let is us swim in the mornings!" which wouldn't make sense. xD So "lets" is its own word in that case. But yeah, whenever it's short for "let us," you will need an apostrophe.

5 minutes earlier

Unless you're quoting something that a character sees printed on something else, you always write figured out as numbers in stories. So this should say: "Five minutes earlier." (You also need punctuation at the end of "earlier.")

“Wheres mom?” I briefly wondered before remembering that Talonflame like to hunt this time of day.

I'm not going to point out every error, but here, you've got another lack of a needed apostrophe. "Wheres" is an abbreviation of "Where is," so again, to substitute that i in "is," you need an apostrophe. Not only that, but "mom" is what the fletchling calls his mother, so it needs to be a capital. Because "mom" is a name in this case, and names need to have capitals. If it was "Where's my mom," then there wouldn't be a need for a capital m, however.

“Could my mother actually loose?”

Spoiler:

(I know your is losing a fight as opposed to winning, but it only has one O!)

As the two Pokemons teeth sunk into my mothers wings,

Again, you need apostropheeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssss. Apostrophes exist to substitute letters, and also to show possession. In this case, both "mothers" and "pokemons" need apostrophes. EVERY WORD in existence needs an apostrophe when being possessive, except "it." Because it is super special. It only has an apostrophe when you're saying "it is." If it's possessive, you simply write "its." So, "It's lovely that you cleaned its tail." You're saying "it is" lovely, and you're saying that the tail belongs to "it." (Whatever "it" may be. Let's imagine a minccino. xD)

I understand that "pokemon" can be confusing, because it is the plural as well as the singular form. In this case, forget entirely about the plural factor, and just put a possessive S with an apostrophe on the end. Because "pokemon" is already the plural, you don't have to worry about an extra S to signify this plural...because it doesn't exist for that word. Therefore, both "that pokemon's food" and "all those pokemon's food" are BOTH correct. Similarly to how "that pokemon has food" and "those pokemon have food" are both correct. :]

Anywaaaaaaaay, your newest poem is pretty awesome. O: I really liked the way it went. I can relate to that, I must say. Although memories are fond, though, you can always make new ones that are just as good, or possibly better. :] That's how I feel, anyway, even if it seems close to impossible.

KEEP WRITING YOU AWESOMECAKE. Sorry it took me so long to catch up on all these. D:


~SF.

[Dragon Master Mike]

I had your message quoted at the beginning of this, then I realized how rediculously long a quote it would be.

To be completely honest, I posted that one story with no intention of anyone reading it. That's why I gave a warning before it that no one should read it because it's not meant to be interesting or anything. I just kinda put it here for the fact that I wrote it. It was just an experiment to see how much detail I could put into something (I was bored and uninspired). One thing I forgot to mention is that the poem and that story were connected.

As for the second story, that is probably one of my biggest problems. Using Apostrophes. I always manage to forget those. Oh, and my spelling is awful. I don't know HOW I always manage to misspell lose. And I didn't even know Its didn't need an Apostrophe.

As for the poem, I actually get so nervous sharing poems that I actually started getting really anxious when I saw someone responded to the post. For every poem I have posted here, I have at least two more somewhere that either I didn't feel comfortable sharing or I just thought weren't as good as my others.

[Suicune's Fire]

Looool! Yeah it would have been far too long. xD

Yeah, I know. xD I mentioned that. I know that that's what you were doing, but even so, I was giving advice on how you could incorporate that level of detail (which was good) into stories that are meant to be read by people. Oh they were? Well that's cool too. x) I mean, you can't post something like that and expect me not to say something about it. xD

No, your spelling was fine. I don't think there were any spelling errors. Just grammatical. ^^ Haha, that's fine. This is why I comment on your things and let you know! So you may learn. :D And that's the thing; so many people have not-great grammar simply because they haven't been taught how to utilise it. If you want anything clarified, don't hesitate to contact me. Unless you really don't care that much. xD In which case, I'll still bother you about it in stories!

Wow really? XD Don't be. It's good. I like all your poems. They're really quite good. I mean, you're a good writer in general. And that's okay. Poems can be extremely personal, and when they're torn apart or criticised, it can be hard to read what's been said about it or not be affected by it (if it's bad). Here's the part where you go, "Well I'm just glad you liked it though because what you said wasn't at all in proportion with the level of anxiety I was feeling." xD

Don't be afraid to share things. If you're not comfortable though, that's completely fine. I have plenty of poems that have gone unseen by all eyes except my own, and that's perfectly fine. ^^

But srsly, what do you think this means? XD

KEEP WRITING YOU AWESOMECAKE.

Obviously I enjoy your work! XD So don't feel like you have to be shy. Legitimately, I love reading your work. I wouldn't lie to you. Remember this. c:


~SF.

[Dragon Master Mike]

I wrote a story with the intention of people reading it and thinking "WTF just happened." I don't know if it came out any good, it might just be stupid, especially considering I wrote it in 40 minutes.

Spoiler:

The horses

“The horses are not ready to see you.” The raspy voice whispered from behind the ancient wooden door as I tapped my hand on it.

“How much longer must I wait.” I questioned.

“Sixty two minutes.” I just barely heard it say.

“That is unacceptable!” I shouted. “I must see them sooner.” There was no response. Looking down at my watch, I saw that the time was already 11:17.

It was a black moonless night that I had chosen to journey out into the center of these ancient forests to seek out the horses. Around the clearing the cabin was located in, the tree branches, their leaves long since having fallen off, seemed to reach inwards like the tentacles of a giant squid reaching for their prey. A thin layer of snow had fallen earlier in the day, leaving a coating on the grass and trees.

The cabin before me appeared as if it had been there for decades, maybe even centuries. Its dark interior was hidden behind tattered beige curtains in the now shattered windows. For a moment I thought I saw a curtain move as if something brushed against them from inside.

“11:27.” I thought, looking down at my watch again. Though only ten minutes had passed, it felt like several eternities. I could feel the frigid winter air even through my many layers of clothes, and It only seemed to be getting colder. I couldn’t afford to wait another fifty minutes.

I knocked on the door again.

“The horses are not ready to see you.” The voice rasped again, slightly louder than last time. I figured there was nothing I could do to speed things up. I took a step back and sat down on the rotten wooden stairs that led to the front door. They appeared as if they might snap if I put even a fraction of my weight on them, but somehow they managed to stay in one piece.

I felt a gust of wind blow, and I pulled my black hood down over my face in an attempt to shield it against the painfully cold air, which stung as it made contact with my face. A few moments later I felt that the wind had stopped, but I kept my face covered anyway. I was worried that I would get frostbite soon if I couldn’t get inside. “11:37.” I thought, looking down at my watch again. Another ten minutes had passed.

I knocked on the door again.

“23 minutes.“ The voice said. I was happy when I heard this. In 23 minutes, only 43 minutes total would have passed. This was less than the original 62 minutes. And so I waited patiently, keeping my face covered and my hands in my pockets.

And then a bell rang. It sounded like the kind of bell you would hear from a clock as the hour struck midnight. It seemed as if it was coming from within the forest somewhere, but I didn’t spend long thinking about this. 23 minutes had passed.

I knocked on the door again.

“You may enter.” The quiet voice spoke from within the cabin. I opened the door, a loud squeak emitting from the hinges as it moved.

The inside of the cabin was pitch black. I could just barely make out the shape of a table in the center of the small room, and a door on the left side. I removed my small black flashlight from my pocket and turned it on.

On the table in the center of the room was a grotesque sight. Sitting on its side and in a pool of its own blood, the severed head of a brown horse laid. Its mouth was open, and its tongue stuck out slightly. Its teeth appeared yellow and broken.

“The horses are ready to see you.” Its abhorrent voice croaked, its mouth moving as the words were spoken.

GCEA: Rock Egg 1345
(ONLY FOR GCEA Not For PXR Egg Hunt)

[Suicune's Fire]

“The horses are not ready to see you.” The raspy voice whispered

You must remember that a period is not correct in this instance, and nor is the capital "T" in "The." It's one sentence, yes? Because you're saying "the raspy voice whispered" in response to the speech. So you have to put a comma at the end of the speech and a lowercase T. Because then that makes it one sentence. Otherwise, think of it like putting a random period in the middle of a sentence where a comma should be, such as: "Hey, Mike, want to go and play in, like. The pool?" Do you see how it's like doing that? Just because there are quotations at the end of the speech, it doesn't mean that it signifies the end of the sentence. :] Try to remember this. COMMAS, MAN! Please tell me if you don't understand so that I can help you understand because I've raised it a few times in the past and you don't seem to either remember, or understand what I mean. x)

“How much longer must I wait.” I questioned.

I find it sort of amusing that you put a period here when you literally followed up with, "I questioned," making it obvious that it was a question...and there was no question mark. xD ALWAYS put question marks on the end of questions!

Around the clearing the cabin was located in, the tree branches, their leaves long since having fallen off, seemed to reach inwards like the tentacles of a giant squid reaching for their prey.

I really like this sentence, but you've used "reach" and then "reached," where I think one of the two could be changed to something else. Perhaps "stretch" or "extend" would suffice.

“11:27.” I thought, looking down at my watch again.

You've gotta watch out for numbers in stories. When in speech, you should always write out the number. So this should be "Eleven twenty-seven." Or perhaps "Twenty-seven past eleven" or however you want to style it.

I could feel the frigid winter air even through my many layers of clothes, and It only seemed to be getting colder.

That "it" in the middle of the sentence has a random capital I. This is without reason, so make it a lowercase. x)

“23 minutes.“

Again, the numbers in speech thing. And also, that second quotation mark is backwards. xD

I loved this story! The ending did make me go "wat," but in the best way possible. I enjoyed the enigmatic nature of the entire story, because it was really odd but also kept me entertained. I think the break between the ten minute (or twenty-three minute) increments was quite short, so it didn't make me become impatient or lose interest, although I definitely feel like it went a little too quickly. Perhaps something mundane could be inserted between the breaks to emphasise the little amount there is to do, such as watching the trees sway, or focusing on the activities of a little ant. Perhaps even watching snow build up at the base of a tree or something. But yeah, that's up to you, really.

I think you did a good job with this, especially considering it was written in such a short period of time. Well done. x) I always enjoy a piece of writing from you.

[Dragon Master Mike]

lol, the first mistake I honestly didn't know was a mistake.The question mark thing, I have no idea how I did that, that was just me being stupid. For the watch one I didn't think it mattered because it was a time, not just a normal number, but next time I will keep that in mind. The random capital in it is because of a habit I have. If I pause while in the middle of writing a sentence, just kinda automatically sometimes I will make the first letter of the first word I type when I start again capital. I guess because part of me feels like I'm starting a new sentence because of the fact that I paused.

I didn't make any errors with "It's" and "Its" Though!

Thank you so much for reading! I'm so happy you liked it! This is actually the first time I have put serious effort into writing something in a while. I genuinly planned to turn my story from GCEA WAR into a the first chapter of a much longer story, and I had so many ideas for it, but I just can't get myself to sit down and seriously work on it for more than a few sentences before I lose interest and go do something else. If I continue writing at the pace I am now, I will be lucky if it gets done by the end of next year.

Thank you again!

[Suicune's Fire]

Haha, that's okay. :] Like I said, if you need further clarification, just let me know. x) And haha, don't worry about the question mark thing! It's easy to miss. I agree with you about the time, but I mean specifically for speech. Speech should practically always be typed out in letters, not numbers. So while, I looked at the time, seeing that it was 11:51 is okay, if that was in speech, you'd need to write out the time in letters. :] Think of it like, "Mum, give me five minutes!" You wouldn't make that a 5, would you? I dunno, to me, numbers (especially singular, like using 5 instead of writing "five") seem like replacement figures...like an abbreviation for a word. It belongs in maths, not stories. xD Maybe I just have something against numbers because I can barely multiply... And yeah, I totally understand where you're coming from when it comes to the capital/pause thing. xD Just something to watch out for. :]

I know, right?! I noticed that! XD Well done! ^v^ I'm so proud! *tear of joy*

No worries. ^^ That's awesome! I need to do that again! xD Oh nice. Well that's okay. xD I mean, I suppose you can only really write as it comes to you. If you want to discuss ideas or something though, feel free to make a thread for it in the author's corner for people to input! If you wanna make it public, I mean. I did enjoy Alice's adventure so far. x)

No worries. 8D

[Dragon Master Mike]

It took a lot of pushing myself to get me to put up more poems. My family had a tradition every fourth of July where we would all get together and go to a certain place that I will not specify, and for reasons that I don't want to go into that tradition is done. This year we all went to my cousins house on the beach for a few days, and I was so upset about the change that I wrote this poem in anticipation of the event. I did actually have fun when I got there, but I couldn't stop feeling like something was missing. I should mention that my poem "Good Times" refers to the same place.

Spoiler:

Crying Inside

Along the beach
I watch the waves
I laugh and play
But I’m crying inside

I say I’m having fun
I ride the waves
I put on a smile
But I’m crying inside

We run around
We play games
Laughing and shouting
But I’m crying inside

I go home
I lay in bed
I cry
And I’m dying inside

[Suicune's Fire]

DM, that sounds pretty upsetting. =/ Judging by the poem, I can tell that place meant a lot to you, and sometimes traditions are really, really difficult to break out of (especially if you're being forced). I'm sorry to hear about that. =/

I think the poem spoke loud and clear, as does Good Times, which I went back and reread. I really hope that you get your tradition back, if possible. D: