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Ganyu
12-02-2013, 07:39 AM
Cinnabar's Child
A/N: Rated PG-13. Hope you'll enjoy~

10 - 4 - 1997 15:52
Cinnabar Experiment Facility

Bathed in deep yellow luminescent fluids, the lump of protoplasm pulsated, effervescence trailing from crevices of tissue, as figures flickered every second on a screen positioned in front of the metal containment it was encapsulated it. Now it was only a minute fraction of its potential. With its current mitotic division rate and the level of biotechnology, it would soon develop into the desired product. This was all planned in accordance to the simulation provided by a supercomputer at the Data Facility for Poketechnological Research or known as Power Plant by the unknowing locals. The research aides stood before the capsule, gaping in awe at the scientific wonder before them. Such a masterpiece of a dream come true.

17 - 4 -1997 19:32
Cinnabar Experiment Facility


Logged in at 17 - 4 - 1997 19:32
Experiment M-02 was supplied with ZED-313, VDO-45 and PGI-007 upon incubation. Experiment M-02 depicted signs of perfect organ and tissue specialization. Experiment M-02 is to be prepared for procedure DNAESP.My hands felt clammy as I tried desperately to slow my drumming heart. The other researchers in the laboratory all appeared to be calm and poker-faced. Worry haunted my sleep ever since the pregnant Mew delivered in the facility, smearing black blotches under my eyes. So many things could go wrong with the experiment but apparently the statistics from a supercomputer was enough to appease the others. I was not a skeptic, but the procedure was biologically impossible. The effort was futile and there was no chance that the result would be exactly what was intended. My mind was in a fumble. What were the higher-ups planning? Was there some data inaccessible to non-board members? I had spent nights tugging at dead ends and I was about to give up.

The screen occupying the entire wall on one side of the room flashed to life. I brushed away hair covering my right eye and observed the screen. The others did the same. What we saw was a camera view of the laboratory where the procedure DNAESP was about to take place. I first noticed the small figure, an insignificant organism in this whole scheme, of a humanoid creature curled up like a foetus. It was pink with a bluish tinge on its translucent skin where several organs could be seen. The bioengineers began the DNA enzyme splicing procedure, basically fusing genes from other species of pokemon with the experiment's in order to recreate the same genetic and/or physical traits onto the experiment. Such a poor, poor creature, to be sleeping there away while its body was being tampered with. Imagine what would become of it, spliced with the genes of multifarious pokemon over and over.

Screens started to beep loudly as the experiment began writhing and twitching. Something began to form from its cranium and connected itself to the spinal cord. Its muscles grew taut and rigid as its body jerked as if in electrocution. As sudden as it came, the fit ended without warning. What was frightening of all was that in its sleep, it showed no emotion at all.

"Beautiful. Simply beautiful." a blond-haired Professor Kanobe spoke with awe. There were nods and murmurings of agreement. I watched on in silence, until the sight of the foetus began to sicken me. I left without a word, unnoticed by the researchers engrossed in the screen.


~~~
14 - 4 -1997 17:02
Cinnabar Experiment Facility

"Stop worrying too much, Cass. Everything will turn out fine, you'll see. If you do a great job, I'll put in a good word to the higher-ups."

I found no answer to reply him. I clenched my fists in frustration, my mind feeling numb. Unable to look him in the eye, I somehow turned my gaze upon the Abra levitating besides him. He must have noticed for he casually spoke.

"You noticed something unusual about my Abra, didn't you? I received a special gene from the black market in Unova. Don't worry, it's perfectly legal here. After all, isn't our mission to create scientific perfection? With that gene, my Abra has amplified psychic powers and a greater teleportation range. Useful, yes?"

I didn't know if that was sarcasm or a rhetorical question. I held my silence, easier than forcing words out of my mouth.

"Don't worry. Think over what I said." he smirked before walking off.

~~~

28 - 4 - 1997 21:45
Cinnabar Experiment Facility

I finally found it. After so many days, I finally came to realization. As I left my car, I heard distant rumbling in the dark skies, as a dense sheet of fog gradually rolled into the island from the sea. I rushed into the facility, my coat flapping behind, creased like the worry on my face. I reached the door which read "Experiment M-02". The room was password-protected but I had espied Professor Kanobe keying in the code. It took only a minute to get in but it felt like years had passed. I only hoped some patrolling guard did not show up and question me. I had security clearance alright, but this room was off-bounds to research assistants on the project. The room was relatively small, with a glass wall overseeing the laboratory where the experiment was stored.

I quickly gained access into the data bank, hacking away the firewalls as fast as possible. They were Level C, surprisingly, the highest difficulty I could handle.

I had to wipe the data, delete everything so that it could not be reproduced and spread. It would be disastrous to let the knowledge of this experiment, one that failed from the start, out to the world.

"Create scientific perfection." I muttered in disgust. How could they call that thing a perfection?

With the rage of countless Tauros, the keenness of a Fearow, the intelligence of many psychic pokemon, and the destructive capability of a legendary being, the experiment M-02 was nothing but a perfected killing machine. My fingers tapped the keyboard impatiently, as gigabytes of information was slowly removed. After this, I had to pull the plug on the experiment. There was no other choice but to put an end to its misery and agony.

"What do you think you're doing?"

A familiar voice chilled the hairs on my neck till they stood on ends. Professor Kanobe slowly walked into the room. I turned around sharply, body tensing defensively.

"You're so predictable. The board had suspicions of your unnecessary worrying and questioning so they backed up the data onto Supercomputer Dos. Did you really think we would allow room for failure with the experiment?"

"But of course, that's not why I'm here. I've to ensure 100% success of the experiment and ensure that you don't leak anything to anyone."

An Electrode appeared from behind him, glaring menacingly at me. Was my efforts all in vain? I was just going to die here, electrocuted and probably dumped in some desolate place, and no one would know of this cruelty brought about in the name of science.

An explosion suddenly rocked my world and I squinted my eyes shut, anticipating my death. Something sharp grazed my cheek and I cried in shock. I opened my eyes and realized that the explosion came from the laboratory, shattering the glass wall and sending glass fragments scattering all over the room. Still standing where he was, Professor Kanobe's face was etched with shock and awe.

"Amazing. Never have I dreamed such perfection."

You must be mad, I thought as I scrambled away from the edge of the broken floor as a large humanoid creature appeared from the smoke below. Its harsh eyes were illuminated in indigo and its tail slowly flicked from side to side. It caught sight of the two of us, clad in the facility's lab coats, and snarled with a fury so intense that it froze my nerves all the way down to my very gene. I could feel pain in that roar, that twisted song of a creature clouded with viciousness, as it sought to rid of the eternal pain it felt. The muscles on its neck and body contracted, as numbing fear washed over me. I did not have to wipe the data after all. The experiment was going to do it in one fell swoop.

Energy started gathering and coalesced into a dark purplish orb floating above the pokemon's forehead. It was hurled to the floor, spreading out in a psychic wave that pulverized everything in its path. The concrete floor gave way and I screamed, jumping to the safety. It was useless. I watch the professor and his Electrode disintegrate into nothing, a black pile of ash left where they stood rooted. I trembled with despair as I caught the monster's eye.

I was only trying to help it...

I saw and heard explosions, like fireworks shooting up into the sky and dying with a bang. The difference was I was nowhere as dazzling. I was just an assistant cleaning the scum of the higher-ups. I should have acted faster, trusted my own instincts, but I didn't. Now I had to pay, for playing a part in making this evil; this thing was my sin. Judgment dealt as swiftly as the calculations of a machine.

My vision turned blood-red as an invisible force slammed on me, crushing my skull and everything inside. Everything went black.

Suicune's Fire
12-19-2013, 11:57 AM
Hey! :] I decided to read and review this, so here is my feedback. As always in my reviews, typos and errors first.


Bathed in deep yellow luminescent fluids, the lump of protoplasm pulsated, effervescence trailing from crevices of tissue, as figures flickered every second on a screen positioned in front of the metal containment it was encapsulated it.

The last word, "it," should be "in." x)


This was all planned in accordance to the simulation provided by a supercomputer at the Data Facility for Poketechnological Research or known as Power Plant by the unknowing locals.

"In accordance to" is incorrect; the correct phrasing is "in accordance with." The other part of the sentence seems a little clumsy, firstly because "or known as" would probably sound better as "otherwise known as," and the other thing is that I imagine people call it the power plant, not just 'power plant.' The absence of "the" makes it sound odd.


So many things could go wrong with the experiment but apparently the statistics from a supercomputer was enough to appease the others. I was not a skeptic, but the procedure was biologically impossible. The effort was futile and there was no chance that the result would be exactly what was intended. My mind was in a fumble. What were the higher-ups planning? Was there some data inaccessible to non-board members? I had spent nights tugging at dead ends and I was about to give up.

Because "statistics" is plural, the following "was" should be "were." Either that, or get rid of "the" before "statistics" so it's just "statistics from a supercomputer was enough (etc)."


"Beautiful. Simply beautiful." a blond-haired Professor Kanobe spoke with awe.

This isn't just a one-time thing, so keep in mind that I'm only quoting an example of this once so that you can fix it in every other place too. xD With speech, you have to imagine it as the same sentence as what comes after it, and therefore at the end, there should be a comma and not a full stop. However, if the end of the speech is the end of the sentence, and what follows is a new sentence, then a full stop and a capital letter are in order. Let me show you an example. It should be:



"Beautiful. Simply beautiful," a blond-haired Professor Kanobe spoke with awe.

Because if you take the quotation marks away, it reads like this:



Beautiful. Simply beautiful, a blond-haired Professor Kanobe spoke with awe.

If you have a full stop there...



Beautiful. Simply beautiful. a blond-haired Professor Kanobe spoke with awe.

...It's like having a full stop in the middle of a sentence, and then a lowercase after it. Like I said earlier, if what follows the speech isn't part of the speech's sentence, then there should be a full stop and a capital letter. Example:



"Wow, great hair, Bob." There was a short pause before Sally sat down to braid Bob's hair.

Make sense? x)


14 - 4 -1997 17:02
Cinnabar Experiment Facility

The date order is presumably a mistake; this entry is on the 14th of April, and yet it's after the 17th's entry.


I found no answer to reply him.

I don't believe you can "reply someone." You can reply TO someone, and someone can reply, but "reply him" is awkward and probably incorrect. xD I would suggest something like "I found no answer to give him" instead.


Unable to look him in the eye, I somehow turned my gaze upon the Abra levitating besides him.

"besides" should be "beside." The words don't work the same. x)


He must have noticed for he casually spoke.

"You noticed something unusual about my Abra, didn't you?

This is formatted oddly, because if "for he casually spoke" was a lead-up to the speech, it should be on the same line, and the full stop at the end of "spoke" should be a comma.


I reached the door which read "Experiment M-02".

The full stop should be inside the quotations. :]


"But of course, that's not why I'm here. I've to ensure 100% success of the experiment and ensure that you don't leak anything to anyone."

In speech, you want to spell out numbers and symbols. So it should be "one hundred percent" or "a hundred percent."


Was my efforts all in vain?

Again, "efforts" is plural, so "was" should be "were."


You must be mad, I thought as I scrambled away from the edge of the broken floor

I thought she already knew that this scientist was mad? xD Also, for thoughts, you'll want to italicise them because otherwise it's too annoying to distinguish between thoughts and regular text.


I could feel pain in that roar, that twisted song of a creature clouded with viciousness, as it sought to rid of the eternal pain it felt.

"as it sought to rid" isn't correct; it should be either "as it sought to be rid" or "as it sought to rid itself."


All that correcting aside, I found the story interesting. I haven't read a story from the point of view of a scientist who helped create Mewtwo before, although I can obviously see that she died at the end, haha. So I wonder where this story will go and what you have planned for it. Clearly something to do with Mewtwo, but just what, I'm not sure. x)

I found that you did explore the protagonist's views a little bit, but even then it felt rather emotionless. There wasn't a lot of detail regarding feelings or concerns (but, rather, minor skims) that the protagonist had, especially toward the end when she was facing her impending doom. It was also very brief, and even if it happened within a short time span, you could have dragged it out to create suspense and also to flesh out the feelings of the character. That's definitely one thing you could work on (if you wanted...I suggest it XD), as well as more detail about their surroundings. It felt a little rushed toward the end, and overall it was quite short. I thought that perhaps more entries might have been in order, or even parts of it that weren't to do with the entries at all. What I mean is perhaps Cass's reasons for coming there and helping with the experiment to introduce us to her and find out a little more about her before it jumped into the entries. Maybe having some initial excitement for the experiment, but then becoming apprehensive as she realised that it wasn't all she signed up for. There was no transition between optimism and fear, which made me think she was pessimistic from the start. Either that or what I suggested before, but even then I'm left to guess.

I get that Cass isn't the main character and she was killed off pretty quickly into the story (presuming you intend to continue this), but even then it's nice to have a little character development, rather than putting her there just for the beginning and hinting that she's important, or she's different from the others considering she, in the end, was totally rebellious. I hope what I'm saying makes sense and doesn't come across as too critical. XD

Anyway, interested to see how this goes. :] Hope you keep my points in mind and good luck for writing this in the future!


~SF.

Ganyu
12-19-2013, 12:47 PM
Hey! :] I decided to read and review this, so here is my feedback. As always in my reviews, typos and errors first.
A WILD REVIEWER APPEARED! *readies writer ball* jk you're not wild x3 I just get excited over reviews.


This isn't just a one-time thing, so keep in mind that I'm only quoting an example of this once so that you can fix it in every other place too. xD With speech, you have to imagine it as the same sentence as what comes after it, and therefore at the end, there should be a comma and not a full stop. However, if the end of the speech is the end of the sentence, and what follows is a new sentence, then a full stop and a capital letter are in order. Let me show you an example. It should be:
Omg thank you so much for this mini-lesson. I never understood how speech and punctuation work and I sometimes get corrected on it, but you helped me to clear it up and therefore, hug thank you. :D


The date order is presumably a mistake; this entry is on the 14th of April, and yet it's after the 17th's entry.
Probably is. >.<

I thought she already knew that this scientist was mad? xD Also, for thoughts, you'll want to italicise them because otherwise it's too annoying to distinguish between thoughts and regular text.
Well I guess she had suspicions but clearly anyone who stands before a killing machine and calls it perfection is mad. XD


All that correcting aside, I found the story interesting. I haven't read a story from the point of view of a scientist who helped create Mewtwo before, although I can obviously see that she died at the end, haha. So I wonder where this story will go and what you have planned for it. Clearly something to do with Mewtwo, but just what, I'm not sure. x)

I found that you did explore the protagonist's views a little bit, but even then it felt rather emotionless. There wasn't a lot of detail regarding feelings or concerns (but, rather, minor skims) that the protagonist had, especially toward the end when she was facing her impending doom. It was also very brief, and even if it happened within a short time span, you could have dragged it out to create suspense and also to flesh out the feelings of the character. That's definitely one thing you could work on (if you wanted...I suggest it XD), as well as more detail about their surroundings. It felt a little rushed toward the end, and overall it was quite short. I thought that perhaps more entries might have been in order, or even parts of it that weren't to do with the entries at all. What I mean is perhaps Cass's reasons for coming there and helping with the experiment to introduce us to her and find out a little more about her before it jumped into the entries. Maybe having some initial excitement for the experiment, but then becoming apprehensive as she realized that it wasn't all she signed up for. There was no transition between optimism and fear, which made me think she was pessimistic from the start. Either that or what I suggested before, but even then I'm left to guess.

I get that Cass isn't the main character and she was killed off pretty quickly into the story (presuming you intend to continue this), but even then it's nice to have a little character development, rather than putting her there just for the beginning and hinting that she's important, or she's different from the others considering she, in the end, was totally rebellious. I hope what I'm saying makes sense and doesn't come across as too critical. XD

Anyway, interested to see how this goes. :] Hope you keep my points in mind and good luck for writing this in the future!
Well it was actually something I intended to enter into a one-shot contest but the contest didn't pull off, so...yeah, this is its first review. It sorta explains why it felt rushed. I'm not sure if I plan on it being a chaptered fiction but hey, who knows what my muse decides? :3

Anyways, I'm taking your advice especially on the character development issue [it's usually a problem with all my short stories so practice practice practice~] and may probably edit/revamp it. Regardless, I feel very honored that you chose to take your time to read and review and I really appreciate your pointers and thoughts (because I know reviewing is a tedious thing to do, especially when you could be doing other fun stuff. Okay let's stop before I sound sappy. xD).

PLOT TWIST: SHE DOESN'T DIE! XD

if this becomes a thing instead of a one-shot. IF. xD;;

Suicune's Fire
12-19-2013, 01:05 PM
A WILD REVIEWER APPEARED! *readies writer ball* jk you're not wild x3 I just get excited over reviews.

Omg thank you so much for this mini-lesson. I never understood how speech and punctuation work and I sometimes get corrected on it, but you helped me to clear it up and therefore, hug thank you. :D

Probably is. >.<

Well I guess she had suspicions but clearly anyone who stands before a killing machine and calls it perfection is mad. XD

Well it was actually something I intended to enter into a one-shot contest but the contest didn't pull off, so...yeah, this is its first review. It sorta explains why it felt rushed. I'm not sure if I plan on it being a chaptered fiction but hey, who knows what my muse decides? :3

Anyways, I'm taking your advice especially on the character development issue [it's usually a problem with all my short stories so practice practice practice~] and may probably edit/revamp it. Regardless, I feel very honored that you chose to take your time to read and review and I really appreciate your pointers and thoughts (because I know reviewing is a tedious thing to do, especially when you could be doing other fun stuff. Okay let's stop before I sound sappy. xD).

PLOT TWIST: SHE DOESN'T DIE! XD

if this becomes a thing instead of a one-shot. IF. xD;;

YAY A WILD REVIEWER! Lol HOW DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE?!?!?!?!?! Oh, you should. XD Not enough people review stuff. ;A;

No worries! :D It's not taught properly, methinks. A LOT of people have that same issue, and I actually learned it from someone on Pe2k. XD I'm so glad I did because I didn't understand it before then either. And for some reason nobody taught me. =/ No worries! 8D Happy to help!

Ahahaha that's true. XD Also lol, Kanobe made me think of Obi-Wan. XD

Oh really? xD I see! I didn't realise. And yeah, it does. xD And yeah! If not, then at least it's some things to think about for the next story you write. :D (Hoping that you write more. XD)

Awesome! Good to hear. And yeah, character development is definitely something you can improve on by practicing. x) Your vocabulary was also quite good, even if there were a few errors here and there. XD Nothing big. Ahaha, no worries! XD I used to review stuff on Pe2k aaaaallllllllllllllllllllllll the time, but never got into the habit here. The thing is, writers dedicate so much time and effort to composing wonderful stories and often they don't get feedback for them, and if nobody posts, then how will they know anybody has READ their story? =/ It's a shame. So you're definitely welcome, and I'm equally as appreciative that you replied to the review! XD Sometimes you get people who write a few words in return and I have no idea if they're going to take my advice in or not. xD So thank YOU for replying! 8D

OH MY GOSH WHAT A TWIST. XD If you do write more, I'll look forward to that explanation. >:3


~SF.