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View Full Version : Radioactive- A Post-Apocalyptic Pokemon Story



EternalRose
01-16-2014, 07:27 AM
"Nadamin no!"

Her voice broke through the repetitive sounds of technology. The dark room hummed with its mechanical inhabitants that lived within the walls. Machinery and tubes snaked in and out of the walls and blinked tiny strange-colored lights. Although the room was full of running electricity, there was a decided chill in the air. The man standing in front of a huge platform that lifted about ten feet off the ground with a console below it pulled his hand back for a moment. He knew she would make it here. He didn't want her to see this. To see what he was about to do.

When he turned around, his eyes met hers and all she could see was a great torment and she knew she would not be able to reach him, but she had to try. Behind her lifelong friend, on top of the large platform slumped a huge, legendary figure. Yvetal; A pokemon known for bringing destruction, but she saw more. As she looked into the creature's eyes she saw the same torment that plagued her friend. It was dying.

"It doesn't have to be this way," she said, "Nadamin, please."

Behind his lifelong friend, Nadamin saw a great beast, standing tall. Its antlers branching out like a huge, gorgeous tree. Its eyes shown with the same bright hope as his friend's. Xerneas, a great legend. It had come too late.

"No," he said, "there is no other way. This world is dying, infected. If there is ever going to be a chance for our world to keep going, we need a hard reset. Put everything back to zero. We must all sacrifice ourselves to save the world."

She leaped forward, knowing she would not be able to stop it, but refusing to give in. Desperation gripped her as her hand reached for him.

His hand reached for the switch.

Terrible cries from both of the legendary Pokemon filled their ears. A blinding light filled their visions. Atoms splitting, being ripped apart, changed, becoming something else.

Then nothing.

~~~

Dust everywhere. She was buried under something. Wood? Plastic? Metal? Coughing, she slid a large piece of plastic debris off of herself. Her surroundings shocked her memory back. She had been at the Poke center, having a meal while her Pokemon were resting. The large, red plastic that had been covering her was from the giant Pokeball sign that had adorned the building. Everyting around her was flattened. What used to be an adorable town surrounded by forests and flowers was now barren, brown and desolate. Her heart caught in her throat. What had happened? Where was everyone? Her mind went to her Pokemon. She stood quickly, almost falling back over as her left foot screamed at her. Looking desperately for her Pokemon, she began to tear at the debris, hoping to find the familiar red and white capsules that held her friends.

Tears began to cloud her already dusty vision as she searched. Finally, she glimpsed the red color. Her fingers gripped at it and she pulled up half of a Pokeball. The other half had been destroyed. But, where was the Pokemon that had been inside? Pokeballs were supposed to have a release fail safe that let a Pokemon out if it got broken. She wondered how long she had been knocked out as there was no living thing in sight, if any of the Pokemon had been released, they were no where to be seen. She put the broken Pokeball aside and kept looking. Under a large, plastic bag she found a few, seemingly intact pokeballs. Picking up the first one, she pressed the button and watched it expand. As she threw it away from herself, a bright light formed into a large figure, a Nidoqueen. It looked around, confused, eyes settling on the younger girl sitting in teh dirt. Her long dirty hair that had at one point been in twin braids now blown about, had been singed. The girl frowned, this was not her Pokemon, but it was a good thing to see another living being.

"Please," she said, "I don't know what's happening."

The Nidoqueen gave her a confused look before her eyes faded into a blank stare. She was as lost as the girl sitting in the rubble. She lifted her head back and let of a mournful cry. A strange rustling sound was heard and three more POkemon emerged from their balls and let out a cry of their own . Tears flooded down the girl's cheeks. THe sounds escaping from these Pokemon seemed to come from their souls. No words were needed, the Pokemon shuffled off aimlessly, their trainer no longer with them. They sensed his absence. She watched as they disappeared over a pile of brick that used to be someone's house. The girl sat in silence for a moment before it became too much.

"Hello?!" she cried to the emptiness, "is anyone out there?!"

Her eyes fell upon a bit of purple fabric. Recognizing it, she rushed over, pulling it from teh dirt. It was her backpakc and still mostly intact. Inside, a couple of busted water bottles had ruined most of her electronic equipment. She managed to salvage a bag of rice and a couple packages of Pokemon food. She had still been unsuccessful at locating her Pokemon, which bothered her to no end. She took a moment to try and stand again. Her ankle was hurt, but looked like it wasn't broken. She tried taking a few steps and managed a very slow, but not impossible pace. She was determined to continue searching the ruins of the Poke Center until she found her friends.



(Stopping here for now because I need sleep. Please keep in mind that I haven't done any editing yet and that this is very raw material. I'd love to know what you think though, criticism and all. It's very much the beginning and I have a lot more planned for this story.)

Pokemon Trainer Sarah
01-18-2014, 07:54 AM
I'm a sucker for post-apocalyptic/distaster stories! I really liked the intro part, it was very well written and suspenseful. :) This sounds really interesting so far and I look forward to seeing where you go with it!

Suicune's Fire
01-19-2014, 12:53 AM
(Stopping here for now because I need sleep. Please keep in mind that I haven't done any editing yet and that this is very raw material. I'd love to know what you think though, criticism and all. It's very much the beginning and I have a lot more planned for this story.)
I'm gonna be honest here and say that I'm confused why you would post something you literally just wrote. Stories shouldn't be punched out and hurriedly posted. o_O This is extremely short and riddled with errors, as I will soon demonstrate, and I must say I fail to understand why you felt the need to post this without any proof-reading. Cutting off a piece of writing because you have other commitments is understandable, but don't use it as your excuse for finishing a chapter/prologue/whatever. If it's unfinished, go at it in the morning, rather than posting something you know isn't your best. This would have been a lot more enjoyable if it didn't feel rushed and uncared for.

Despite your warning, you posted it, which means you're asking for criticism.


Behind his lifelong friend, Nadamin saw a great beast, standing tall. Its antlers branching out like a huge, gorgeous tree.
This imagery is sort of confusing. When I first read it, I thought Nadamin was looking "behind" the eyes of the yveltal, but then it talks about antlers, and it threw me off a bit. I thought you'd confused your legendaries. What you didn't make clear was the sudden appearance of the xerneas. It's just sort of there. We don't know if it's been there the whole time or if it just showed up or what.


Coughing, she slid a large piece of plastic debris off of herself. Her surroundings shocked her memory back. She had been at the Poke center, having a meal while her Pokemon were resting. The large, red plastic that had been covering her was from the giant Pokeball sign that had adorned the building.
I'm not sure about you, but I imagine a plastic poke ball sign atop a pokemon centre to be rather heavy. I would imagine that if she was crushed beneath it, she would at least have some broken bones or other injuries, as well as a hard time removing it from herself. Secondly, "poke ball" is two words. It is incorrect to use "pokeball."


Everyting around her was flattened.
"Everyting" is spelled wrong. Besides that, I don't understand this imagery you're trying to convey. Flattened? To me that sounds like a snorlax has body-slammed a cartoon houndour and made him 2D. Perhaps "destroyed"? That gives a much more destructive implication, which is what I assume you're going for here.


She wondered how long she had been knocked out as there was no living thing in sight, if any of the Pokemon had been released, they were no where to be seen.
That comma after "sight" should be a semicolon. If you take the two parts of the sentence (She wondered how long she had been knocked out as there was no living thing in sight"" and "if any of the Pokemon had been released, they were no where to be seen. ") and break them into two separate sentences, they would stand on their own, correct? If that's the case, then you need either a period or a semicolon. You only put a comma where the sentence does not flow on its own unless it's connected to the previous part. Such as:

"If it weren't for Bob's hair, he wouldn't be confident enough to go out in public."

However, structured this way, you need a semicolon because they are basically two separate sentences linked together. They can stand on their own if they want:

"Bob's hair was marvelous; he wouldn't be confident enough to go out in public without it."

See how they're separate? When sentences are like that, they should never, ever have commas. Commas are included in the flow of the sentence. This happens at multiple points in the story, and I'm not going to quote them all but I hope this helps you fix the other parts.


She put the broken Pokeball aside and kept looking. Under a large, plastic bag she found a few, seemingly intact pokeballs.
As I've already quoted, "pokeball" is incorrect. But as well as that, you've been inconsistent and capitalised the P for one of them and not the other.


As she threw it away from herself, a bright light formed into a large figure, a Nidoqueen. It looked around, confused, eyes settling on the younger girl sitting in teh dirt.
One thing I dislike in stories is how people refer to pokemon as "it"s. And for you to use "it" on a NIDOQUEEN? They can ONLY be females. I know you recognised her gender later on, which is good at least, but remember pokemon genders. Especially gender specific ones... As well as that, you wrote "teh."


A strange rustling sound was heard and three more POkemon emerged from their balls and let out a cry of their own .
The P and the O are capitalised in 'pokemon' and you also left a space between "own" and the full stop after it.


THe sounds escaping from these Pokemon seemed to come from their souls.
Capital T and H... Also I'm not sure what you mean by their cries coming from their souls. o.o As well as that, it mentions that their trainer was gone, and then you say "he." You don't mention who "he" is; if it's Nadamin, then shouldn't the main character mention that? If she was friends with Nadamin, wouldn't she also know his pokemon and want to help them? And why aren't his pokemon upset that he's gone? Perhaps he was never kind to them, but I'd expect that they'd react some way or another.


"Hello?!" she cried to the emptiness, "is anyone out there?!"
Because you finished the speech with something other than a comma, the next part of the speech shouldn't be a lowercase. Because you're effectively starting a sentence with a lowercase.


Recognizing it, she rushed over, pulling it from teh dirt. It was her backpakc and still mostly intact.
"teh" again and also "backpakc." I know you didn't edit this, but spellcheck?? Come on. That's not hard. You don't even have to do the spell checking! xD

As I previously stated, I'm not sure why you didn't bother to even read back over this before you posted it. Why post something incomplete? That aside, I like the idea. I haven't read many (if any) post-apocalyptic pokemon stories and I always wondered how it would pan out in a world with pokemon. What I do believe, though, is that you'd need something fairly convincing to pull it off. At the moment, we have absolutely no idea what happened, and as well as that, why the main character was left practically unscathed. (Yeah, she had a hurt ankle, but that's it.) Was there a shockwave? Did he harness the legendaries' power and destroy everything? It's really hard to know what's going on because there's minimal detail, and we haven't gotten a very in-depth look into the main character's mind.

In saying that, I know it was far too short to know much by this point, but more context would have been a good idea. I'm not convinced that this was more than a small explosion that was devastating enough to wipe out a town (and somehow leave the main character, out of everyone except a few pokemon, mostly unharmed). I think I have to wait for more, but right now there's very little to go off.

My advice? Don't rush it. I know you might have been excited to get this out (though I honestly wouldn't have guessed that), but that doesn't mean you should sell your story short and leave it unedited and raw. I NEVER show people material unless it's edited, unless it's mostly coherent and in private. But that would rarely - very rarely - happen.

Good luck with this. :] Sorry if I sounded a bit harsh.


~SF.

EternalRose
01-21-2014, 04:36 AM
Thanks for the editing work. The reason why I didn't bother on editing is mostly because I see it as a writing exercise and not anything to be taken seriously. It's fanfiction so to me, it's not "real" writing, mostly just a chance at improving by writing something for fun.

Suicune's Fire
01-21-2014, 10:29 AM
Wow, what? How can you see it as not real? What does that even mean? o.o It's still a story. I don't get that at all. I'll be writing fan fiction till the day I die because I love pokemon. >.>


~SF.

EternalRose
01-22-2014, 05:52 AM
What I mean is that I'm not going to be working on getting it published, so I see it as more of an exercise and less as "real" writing. Not saying that all fan fiction isn't real writing, just that to me fan fiction is something that I write for fun or exercise and not something I write seriously.