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Coru's Void Blog

2020 sucks.

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Just a trigger warning for anyone who needs it, this blog post talks about death and stuff related to it so feel free to skip this if that stuff triggers you.

Just posting this blog to sort of sort through my emotions because I'm just sort of stuck like a husk of myself at the moment because everything and I'm hoping getting it all out sort of helps me process. Everything happing in 2020 is just hard to process and then life kicks you when you're down.

So, last Thursday, Thursday the 10th, my dad and brother in law came into my work, saying they urgently needed to see me. What they told me has turned my life upside down the past week and i'm still lost and not really able to function much.

My mom passed away suddenly around 9 o'clock. She suddenly collapsed and the paramedics tried for 45 minutes to bring her back but they couldn't. Except for a recent health scare where she collapsed and was rushed to hospital a few weeks before, which we were assured was not a serious problem, my mom was relatively healthy except for the usual mobility issues that creep in as you get older. She was 61. So everyone in my family are just in shock and devastated, not even sure how to process it. You always know that your will lose your parents eventually but not when you're 22. My mom had a good 20 years or so more before I even had to entertain the thought of having to say goodbye. In my mind anyway, but apparently not. Due to the shock everything is up in the air. We don't think she has a will and we are struggling with figuring out what she has left people and it doesn't help with people in the family being shifty with their intentions about moms stuff.

On top of this, because of this damn pandemic, we have been told we are only allowed 15 at the funeral and we can't have a wake because social gatherings of more than 6 in the UK is currently illegal. We are a big family. I am one of 6 siblings. So the 15 would only cover us and our partners, my stepdad, dad and mom's brother. It just doesn't seem fair we can't give her the send off she deserves. Especially since pubs are still allowed to pack in over 100 people into their premises every night, not even with people wearing masks.

I'm not very spiritual, I believe in ghosts but not really superstition etc, but really weird things have happened with this whole situation and I'm not sure what to make of it. The day of my moms death, I overslept for the first time ever with work and I had this horrible feeling that it was going to be a really bad day. My sister had the same gut feeling about something bad and apparently around the time my mom collapsed, my uncle (mom's brother) had suddenly thought that he needed to call and come and see my mom. Along with this, I've seen loads of feathers and robins, which are both apparently signs from loved ones who have recently passed. I also had two dreams of my mom last week that were weird. The first was very brief. In the dream, I woke and my dad and brother were both downstairs for some reason and my mom was in the front room. I ran to go and hug her but everything went slow motion and I woke up. I then had another dream that me and my brother were bickering about sitting on the sofa so he sat on the arm. I then heard my moms voice say "Stop climbing on the furniture" which she always said when we were younger. I went to turn to her and she then said "Wake up. Speak to your brother." and I then woke up.

When I went downstairs, it was 5 in the morning, my brother and dad were downstairs and in the living room was my brothers best friend passed out drunk so bad they had to call an ambulance for her to check if she was ok. She ended up fine but in the context of my two dreams it was very strange. I've told a few people and they have said that it was a message from my mom but I'm not sure if I believe in all the spiritual stuff.

Along with that, I'm struggling with work stress and trying to find another job that aligns more with my ambitions. Then my girlfriend is having stress at work and the pandemic messing with things in her family too so theres just too much to cope with.

I've had a week off work and they have allowed me to work remotely from home for a while whilst i recuperate and process which is nice. I just can't think of any ways to go back to normal and just feel like it never will. Guilt is a big thing I'm feeling at the moment with everything so i'm just trying to work through that. Trying to distract myself with tv shows, films and some painting. Anyone have any other suggestions for things to help or any sort of coping mechanisms. My friends and family have been really helpful at being distractions but I can't ignore it forever, I need to face it at some point.

I might try and come back here and be more active but i'm not sure how active everyone is on here these days.

If anyone has got to the end, thanks for reading. I'm hoping just writing everything down has helped sort through my thoughts a bit. Was a bit apprehensive posting because of it being quite personal but I thought I've been in this community for almost 7 years now and venting out to people who don't directly know me or my family might be a help in a way.

Not really sure how to end this blog, want to end it on a happy note but can't think of anything so will just end it with a picture of this cute little noodle mid blep.

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  1. Neo Emolga's Avatar
    I lost my mom back in 2013. The blog about it is even still here and if you read it, you’ll see how much of a ruined husk of a person I was too. And she was only 66 which isn’t too far off from what your situation is like.

    NOTHING prepares you for it. And I was like you, thinking hey, my mom’s not that old, doesn’t seem like something I need to be overly concerned about right now. But yeah, nothing prepares you for it. The emotions and all five stages of grief will take over your life for a little while. I know because I went through the same horrific thing. You will lose sleep, you will get feelings like maybe you should have spent more time with her, you will face all of that. I sure did and still feel traces from time to time. Face it, but don’t let it consume you. It’s natural and it hurts, yes.

    We’re only trying to do our best for ourselves and our loved ones with the energy, knowledge, experience, and feelings that we have at the current moment. Like you, I'm not able to see the future. My mom was fighting a battle with cancer and things were looking iffy. Some shreds of hope came up here and there, but ultimately it didn’t come through. And I’ll admit, when it happened, I was hit hard with the feeling of “hey, you know what, I don’t care if I die right now too.” Trying to weed out and dismiss those feelings wasn’t easy, but I did, because I knew and still know I have a whole life ahead of me to live and enjoy the best way I can.

    I’m somewhat spiritual (not a crazy holy roller and I stopped attending church services because of how corrupted the church has gotten) and I saw signs as well. Where my mom used to sit in the living room, late one night there was a patch of light that shone right there. There was no explanation for it and it only shone there once and shortly after she passed. And there was another instance where we were sitting by my mom’s bedside, and I had nodded off and suddenly had this short dream where I saw her healthy and well again. I didn’t think too much of it until I told my brother and sister about it. They told me they saw that same kind of vision.

    The years following that, I still see my mom in my dreams from time to time. Some of them a bit scary, some of them a bit inspiring the way dreams usually are, but the same feeling I got from them remains like this. Every time I see my mom in my dreams, it hits me with the notion of “ah, death’s just a temporary thing, she’s back and things are good now.” And I think of it the same way someone gets over a cold or a fever. It seems completely normal. There were even times where I woke up and it took me a few seconds to process that here on earth, she’s just not here.

    Some things will linger, though. For example, I used to have the song “Time” by Hans Zimmer (Inception) as a ringtone for her. I have a tough time listening to that song. Same thing with the song “The Day” by Moby, as the lyrics of that song strike perfectly on the pains we felt while she was in the hospital. It’s normal to still feel these pings. But try to remember the better things. Think more about the times she made you laugh, or the times you made her laugh. Those are the good and better memories you want to hang onto.

    I’d recommend doing these if you can.

    • Start a notebook of all the happy memories you have of her. The sooner you start, the more you’ll remember, and ask other members of the family to add theirs as well. Even the simple, silly, and small things. Nothing is too small to track. Keep it in an easy to get to spot so you can quickly jot them down when you think of them.
    • Keep any photographs, sound and video recordings, and things that she created or belonged to her close by. Don’t lose those. I still have a voicemail that my mom sent to my brother. Every now and then, it’s comforting to hear her voice. I wish I had saved more, but I’m thankful for what I do have.
    • Don’t make big life-changing decisions right now if you can help it. You need to give yourself time and let’s face it, 2020 isn’t the year to really do anything major. The body needs time and rest to heal wounds correctly, or they can get worse. The heart and mind are the same way with emotional wounds.

    I’m sorry to hear about your loss, but I hope the experiences I’ve had when dealing with the loss of my mom might be helpful to you and give you some feeling of hope and peace. But please, take care of yourself. For me, it was the absolute most gut-wrenching thing I’ve ever had to endure, but we endured. You will, too.
  2. Coru's Avatar
    @Neo Emolga thank you for your suggestions and sharing your experience, I relate to most of that to be honest. Theres still a lot of pain with a lot of stuff related to her and the things after her death. Like you, some songs I can't listen to, like any Whitney Houston songs as she was my mom's favourite singer and we had two of her songs played at the funeral. My sister wants me to design a poster with the lyrics to "The greatest love of all", moms favourite song that we had for the main song of her funeral for each of us to have as a memorial for mom in our houses and stuff and when I tried to do it I broke down, not even listening to the song, just reading the lyrics.

    I'm going to start a bit of a scrapbook I think of memories for mom. I've noted down some I can remember and that would be nice to have. I already have a scrapbook sort of thing done which is my life story book. As I was adopted I had to have one to document where I came from and the process of my adoption and it has a lot of me and my mom in there so that's nice. I redesigned it to make it nicer last year as part of my degree and I'm glad my mom got to see it before she died. She was always so proud of her fostering and adopting. We also have found maybe 4 huge boxes of family photos at my dad's house so when the lockdown mess in the UK is over we are going to have a family gathering and go through them all.

    My girlfriend has also got some of my mom's dresses and is going to make some memorial teddies for us out of them which is really nice. A nice thing for us to have. I'm also trying to sort out getting a rose bush for mom in our local cemetery. She loved roses and we can't really afford a grave plot so we just want somewhere to visit and maybe scatter some ashes as a resting place.

    It's been almost two months now and i'm still in pieces but I'm getting there. Just worried about my dad now as he's had to have a dementia assessment and shortly after mom's death because of the stress he had a minor stroke. Everything is just getting better in the year of 2020 isn't it..

    Ended up quitting my job because my mental health is in tatters and work was making it worse as they were being insensitive. I could go on about all that as it's terrible but I won't. I've got another job but i'm just waiting on a start date now.

    Thanks again for your suggestions. Just need to work on being happy again now i guess. :)