Sealboy

If anyone saw my previous post, you'd know that I got dumped. Aaaaaand it was brutal. And seeing as this was my first relationship, first love, first everything - the first breakup was probably the most crippling thing I've ever had to go through. I never got around to replying to the comments left on my last post so: thank you guys, your support meant a lot.

Since the last post, I've been on a rollercoaster. Some days I've been mad, others I've been depressed beyond belief (seriously never felt that low before, it's been weird) then I've had my moments where I've been okay. I ended up failing at the no contact, I got angry and pointed out how she had been cruel to me in some aspects (I personally feel she could have been a bit nicer about it, tried to make it easier for me and whatever), I kinda had a go at her. She replied for the first time in about two weeks, we said our goodbyes, removed off Facebook, SnapChat and Twitter and that was that.

Fast forward two weeks - we're both going to the same Uni Visit Day thing (originally gonna go together, but hey ho, then this happened). I thought "I acted pretty immaturely. I'll apologise" and I did just that. I promised her that I wouldn't approach her at the Uni (I was concerned about bumping into her, thought she might have been too) and I thanked her for being in my life for the past year - I can't deny it, it's been the best year I've ever had.

Her response was blocking me on Facebook, where I messaged her. I thought that being mature and being the better person would earn me some brownie points, make me a good person. Yeah... Not what I expected.

So, the week after, I saw her at the Uni. Not once, not twice, but THREE times. It's safe to say that each time I saw her I had a panic attack and I couldn't look at her. I dunno why, I just guess I didn't want to see her. It hurt too much I guess? I dunno. She was always in my way though, wherever I needed to go in the Uni.

So here I am, about 3 weeks after the Uni thing, nearing 2 months since the breakup. Moving on well? Yeah, I'm doing pretty good I guess. Feeling a tad bit low now and then, that's understandable I think. It's just, when you've been speaking to someone non-stop for about a year, it's just weird when you don't talk to them. You open yourself up to someone for the first time, and they kinda betray you in that sense, making you want to put up your barriers and never let them down again. There are some things I can't condone her for doing, in the end she was lying to my face, leading me on and that wasn't fair on me. How she can justify that as her "trying to make it work", I have no idea.

We're probably never going to speak again, I know we're not. It's like all that time has been thrown away, as if it meant nothing. And I still can't fathom how somebody's feelings can change in such a short space of time. That's the reason she ended it - she didn't feel the same. She changed, she's not the girl I knew, not the girl I first met and not the girl I had my first kiss with on the London Eye. I miss that girl sometimes, sometimes I get myself thinking and dwelling too much. I've resorted to keeping a journal and writing in it whenever I'm thinking a lot about it. That release is pretty good - I recommend anyone to do that when they're hitting a rough patch in life.

I guess I just deserve better... right?