A short Pokémon story

[Cleobel]

Hello everybody ! Last month, I wrote a short Pokémon story in English, with a lot of irregular verbs, to memorize them easier (a friend of mine gave me this piece of advice). Now, I am going to share this story with you :

Spoiler:

Here is a story about a little guy that lived in a blue world. And all day and all night and everything he saw, was just blue like him, inside and outside. It was New Year’s Eve and the blue little guy was delighted. He sang : « I’m blue, da ba dee da ba da… ». He heard this song for the first time on YouTube and he really liked it.
For New Year’s Eve, his blue little girlfriend came to his house. She wore a beautiful dress, he wore an elegant suit with a bow tie. They were both true Pokémon fans. The blue little guy took his Nintendo 3DS and he began to play Pokémon Sun.
He went into the tall grass and he met a wild Snorunt. But this Snorunt was blue, just like him, and a big star shone on the screen. The blue little guy screamed : « Oh my God, shiny Snorunt ! ». And a few seconds later : « It’s a female, oh my God ! ». He sprang and he ran to his girlfriend. He felt so happy !
Then, he tried to catch the shiny Snorunt. He threw a Poké Ball he had bought in the Poké Mart : « One, two, three… Yes, I caught the shiny Snorunt ! ». After the capture, he saved the game and he gave the Dawn Stone he had found a few hours ago to the shiny Snorunt. She directly became a beautiful shiny Froslass. The blue little guy taught her Ice Beam and Thunderbolt using TMs.
After that, the blue little guy did a Pokémon battle with his girlfriend. He sent out his shiny Froslass, she chose to use her shiny Gyarados. Froslass was faster than Gyarados and froze the Water-type Pokémon with Ice Beam. Then, she used Thunderbolt on her opponent. Although Gyarados held a Wacan Berry, the red Pokémon fainted. The blue little guy said : « Yes, I won the battle ! ». His girlfriend told him : « Good game, congratulations ! ». He answered : « Thank you, my sweetheart ! ».
They spoke, they ate, they drank… and midnight came. The blue little guy said : « Happy New Christmas ! ». His girlfriend laughed and answered : « I think you drank too much, honey… ». He told her : « Oh yes, I forgot one thing : I lost the Game ! ».

Do you like it ?

PS : Sorry for the mistakes.

[XaiakuX]

« Oh yes, I forgot one thing : I lost the Game ! »

Oh..?

OH YOU SON OF A-..!

It was an interesting piece. I mean, heck yeah type advantages. Heck yeah Shiny Froslass. There were so many things going on in this story. But I dug it because it was something.. fun? I dunno. But, If I were to say anything, maybe make the speeches their own entities. Their own individual lines. Speech from alternating characters usually indicates a new line break, anyways. Yay, grammar!

mutherfrickinlostthegamecauseofthisperson..

[Noblejanobii]

This was a pretty good short piece. Your english could use some work but it didn't hinder my understanding of the story at all! I'm curious as to why they were blue. Did you pick that to match Froslass or some other reason? Either way over all it was an interesting story and I look forward to seeing more in the future!

[Pokemon Trainer Sarah]

This was pretty funny! xD I like the details like Gyarados holding a Wacan berry even though it didn't help! And wow, I wonder how a Red Gyarados fits in a blue world? :O

[Suicune's Fire]

Nice little story, Cleobel! xD I love that it was based off that I'm Blue song, hahaha. How funny. And wow, I love shiny froslass! They're so cool! :D And please, don't be sorry about mistakes! English is the only language I can speak, so I find it amazing when people can speak more than one! :D You did extremely well!

I'd like to help you out with some pointers for grammar and English terminology. If you'd like my help, here it is. :]


In English we don't have a space before ! or ?. So it would be "Thank you, my sweetheart!" instead of "Thank you, my sweetheart !" It will probably be a little difficult to get used to, but that's okay. :]

She directly became a beautiful shiny Froslass.

I think that instead of "directly," the word "immediately" would be better. Immediate means something happens straight away, without any delay. Directly is sort of the same, but it is generally used in different contexts. For instance, you would say "She went directly to the market," which means that she went to the market without stopping anywhere else first. "She went immediately to the market" means that she went straight away. The difference between the two is that you can be direct without being immediate, if that makes any sense. xD "Immediately" would mean directly and straight away.

Another tip is that two characters must never speak on the same line or paragraph. If the blue guy talks on one line, then his girlfriend must speak on another line. Like this:

« I think you drank too much, honey… ».
He told her : « Oh yes, I forgot one thing : I lost the Game ! ».

I'm not sure if the » marks are commonplace in French, but in English we would use quotation marks. " Also, if you have ! at the end of a sentence, you don't need to follow it up with a . at all. Also, the punctuation goes inside the quotation marks, not after them. Keeping these things in mind, this is how the paragraph would change:

"I think you drank too much, honey…"
He told her: "Oh yes, I forgot one thing: I lost the Game!"

You can also make that : into a comma, which is more commonly used before speech like that. :]


I hope that helped you! :D Writing stories in English is a really good way to learn it. We also have another French speaker on the forum, @Liokora who does the comic Pokemon Alpha. It is all in English though. :]

Nice going, Cleobel! ^-^ I hope you continue to write more in the future!

[Soups]

I enjoyed it! It wasn't anything complex, but instead, it focused on a moment. It was definitely a fun read and I like that you elected to use Frosslass (it's one of my favorite Pokemon). You had your share of grammar mishaps - which is fine, by the way! They didn't take away from the effectiveness of the piece. However, the more you apply yourself, the more you'll improve!

Overall, great job!

[Cleobel]

Thanks everybody for your comments! :)
@Noblejanobii : The little guy and his girlfriend are blue because of the song "I'm blue, da ba dee da ba da..." (Eiffel 65).
@Pokemon Trainer Sarah : The girl has a shiny Gyarados because it's an iconic shiny Pokémon, that's it.
@Suicune's Fire : Thank you very much for your useful advice! I am going to read Pokemon Alpha when I have more time.
@Soups : Shiny Snorunt is blue, female Snorunt can evolve quickly with an evolutionary stone, and Froslass is fast and able to learn interesting moves using TM's. A shiny female Snorunt was then a perfect Pokémon for my story, I think!

[Suicune's Fire]

@Cleobel No worries at all. :D Pokemon Alpha is awesome. B)

[Liokora]

It's nice to see an other french here!! :D
This was a fun story, good luck with english learning :3 And @Suicune's Fire is helping me for a while now, she is very.. VERY helpfull <3 >o<