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  1. #1
    Misery to keep you company. AgloMe Oen's Avatar
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    Kewl New Stalkerz: Duskwoken Features!!!


    OMG, I know like everyone is eager to hear more kewlz stuff about Stalkerz: Duskwoken so I’m here to give you all so many juicy details and what are some of the super, super kewl features ya’ll get to see and enjoy so you can really pwn the Stalkers and say “hur hur rekt!” lolz!

    • Combat has been added back! But instead of using dice rolls, we’re using a random day of the week feature where if the randomizer lands on a weekday, you hit, but if you land on a weekend, you miss. Landing on Monday means you both get damaged! Landing on a holiday means you land a critical hit (ZAAAP!) and whoever you’re attacking gets instantly defeated and has to write an apology letter for being such a bad Pokémon. Landing on a Leap Year crashes the game and allows you to send an error report to Stalkers: Duskwoken RPG online tech support! We love hearing from you!
    • Random battle encounters have been added back, including zombie Piplup, cyborg Piplup, camping Piplup, Piplup who was baking delicious cherry pies before becoming overcome with infernal presence, ordinary Slakoth, cats overtaking the internet, and Piplup final boss with vengeful turkey leg attack weapon +15! We also added a Tree Sentinel from Elden Ring because everyone loves that guy so much!
    • New Stalkers including Nefariouzt, who causes victims to oft themselves because they fell for his stolen artwork NFT scam! And Bibly, who murders her victims with colorful children’s eating utensils and boring lectures about fiscal policy and the federal reserve!
    • Expanded map! We’ve gone from 61 locations to now over 674 searchable locations and 2000+ civilians to interview! And there’s now 125 Stalkers to discover with a Sin Purge Ritual thingy that has over 50+ puzzles to solve, including everyone’s favorite, 5X5 sudoku! We may not finish Stalkers: Duskwoken RPG within our natural lifetime and will likely have to pass down the fun to our grandchildren before the game will conclude, but even they should enjoy the fun of fighting camping Piplups! And Tree Sentinel, who always gives a warm, sociable welcome to newbies playing the game for the first time!
    • Dynamic lighting! New dynamic lighting and shadows have been added to the Stalkers RPG map and environment! Of course this doesn’t matter because the entire game is almost entirely text based, but we’re happy to announce these amazing new features because even just mentioning them here gets you imagining that they’re actually there! It’s magic!
    • New Weapons and DLC! Including the Shadowmarch armaments from Season 5 because those totally balanced the game so well and added satisfying challenge to every encounter! In addition to that, there are new microtransaction features where you can pay to unlock new weapons, weapon skins, vehicle mods, flying mount mods, horse armor, your Grand Theft Auto Online character, Covenant Armor, additional lives, and new Tom Clancy: Ghost Recon voiceover packs for all your characters!
    • Stalker: Duskwoken RPG NFTs! You can now OWN a link to your favorite Stalker graphics and creepy GIFs in the form of a purchasable, tradable, and sellable NFT (note that you only own the certificate, not the actual graphic itself!)! However, with each Stalker RPG NFT you purchase, things in the Stalkers universe get gradually darker and more evil. Ooooh! Buy as many as you can for the ULTIMATE STALKERS CHALLENGE!!!
    • Magic! Magic has been added to the Stalkers RPG Duskwoken universe, including cryptocurrency, drifting from Super Smash Bros Melee, Quidditch, the Konami code, and Training Points from Madden 22 Ultimate Team! Buy the Battle Pass for $29.99 USD to unlock the Disney Princess Plot Armor and Animal Friend summoning which is due to release Summer of 2022!
    • New Perks and Skills! Including <Music>, which allows you to get the band back together and go on the ultimate world tour to entertain audiences in 57 different countries, win record deals, build your fame, and grow your fortune to buy additional real estate in Hawaii and Beverly Hills California and fill your garage with a dazzling array of exotic and concept cars! Wait, Stalkers? Were we supposed to be doing something again?
    • Crafting! And now crafting returns as an extra side thing where you can create weapons, armor, real estate, import your Minecraft or Roblox creations, summon your favorite sidekicks from any of the Lego games, and build your own car using the 3D rendering program you downloaded from PirateBay! You can also use Sewing to make your own Beanie Baby and give it its own name! I named mine Twinkle Toots! Twinkle Toots the Floofy Bunneh!
    • Deeper Sin Purge Ritual! Instead of sending in their own angelic soldiers, Utopia now needs you to perform the ultimate task, including realigning the planets of the Andromeda galaxy, solve climate change using Wordle, apply the quadradic formula to the Apple Terms of Service divided by Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, and unlock six new recipes for apple crisp cookies and banana bread. But then there’s the secret cat ending that you’ll need to discover by trial and error and obscure item use in unlikely places! Or you can cheat by looking up the walkthrough online like you usually do!
    • Connection to the Metaverse! Coming in 2025, Stalkers RPG will embrace connections to the Metaverse, which totally isn’t like that Second Life thing that crashed and burned all those years ago! Put on your VR headset and experience Stalkers RPG in a whole new way! We’re still trying to figure out what exactly that whole new way even is, but… who cares!? It’s the METAVERSE!!!
    • Gardening! Did you forget all about your Animal Crossing New Horizons garden? Never fear, Stalkers: Duskwoken RPG has a new gardening feature for you to enjoy that will help you neglect that New Horizons garden even more! Grow tomatoes, beans, corn, radishes, oreos, mandrakes, NVIDIA RTX 3090 GPUs, and season passes to all of the Detroit Lions NFL games for the 2022-2023 season!
    • Stalkers: Duskwoken RPG Achievements! Wait, people still care about these, right?
    • New Character Skins, including Edgelord, Goth, Sparkly Vampire, Werewolf, Werebear, Wererabbit, Werebutterfly, Cyberpunk Ninja, and the NRA 2nd Amendment Rights set, all available through lootboxes with a .25% droprate! We increase that droprate to .5% during double EXP holiday weekends, boosting your chances even higher! Buy the Premium Pass today for $14.99 USD for 50,000 additional Madden 22 Ultimate Team TP and increase those drop rates to 1%! Available for a limited time only and while supplies last! Just kidding, supply is infinite, but we’re just saying that to pressure you into buying now!


    We hope you’re looking forward to all these incredible and amazing features Stalkers: Duskwoken is going to have and we’re looking forward to you paying *playing* this incredible game! Remember to Like, Subscribe, Subscribe via email, receive text messages, receive pen pal mail, and have a message in a bottle sent to your home address and place of business! Refer ten friends who make at least one purchase of $9.99 USD or more from the Stalkers: Duskwoken RPG Market Place Store and receive the Legendary Player Title: Ultimate Stalker: Duskwoken RPG Sales Rep! Wear it with pride wherever you go in the Stalkers: Duskwoken RPG universe!

    But do you truly believe there is nothing beyond the d͖̬̰͎͋̔̌͂a͖̟̞͈̻͍͚̳̜̙̫̳̤̫͆ͤͧͬͥ̈̍ͯ̌̂ͮͭ̓̚rkͥ̓̌̒ͦ͒̀́͋̊ ͎̜̯̥͖̬̗̼̜̼̫̀n̜̬̟̭̮͙̻ͯ̑ͧ̈́ͩ̃̇e̠̥̩͙̦̳͛ͬ̀̈́̊̋sͥ̒͑ͦ͊͊̈́͑̎ ͌̾ͩs?

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  3. #2
    Ace Trainer Lychee's Avatar
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    Australia
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    I'm screaming!!!!

    ... but I can't tell if it's with horror or excitement....

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