[WAR] The Ties That Bind

[Pokemon Trainer Sarah]

Comments and constructive criticism welcome! :D

The Ties That Bind

I have no memories of the before. Not of my true mother or my birthplace. Just a vague idea of warmth and soft fur and the sweet smell of milk. Now I know that it was only an incubation box in the Daycare Center where I experienced the first few moments of life. All artificial, an imitation mother, no more than a scarecrow is a person. I never met her, my mother. Or my brothers and sisters, though there must have been many. I felt sad about this once, but that was long ago. The real sadness comes later and tears deep like a savage beast, like knives in my chest. Wanting something you never had and losing something you did are so different. But, I digress. You asked me once, and I will tell you, now that it's safe for you to know. But at least humour me, for a little while. I have travelled long to be here and it is so, so dark.

"Do you know what happens to Pokemon when their trainer dies?"

I didn't, not then. I was given to you as a tiny, squalling thing. No more Pokemon than a mass of wailing tears and too-large paws. The first thing I knew was your cold hands. I hated them immediately, and whined and squirmed, wanting my warm incubator. You were gentle, I will give you that. You comforted the best you knew how, for you too were only a child. The first days were hard. I bit you once, when you wouldn't put me down. But you smiled through the pain and bit me back on the ear, scolding the way a mother would, or so I thought. We were friends after that, and we grew together, you and I. We learned and laughed and fought and grew.

We travelled the land and met many new Pokemon. I learned from them as you learned from the trainers they served. We fought in Gym Battles together, we won and lost. I watched your Charmander evolve when she beat Brock, and the joy radiating from your heart was enough to make me want to be strong, too. I know you loved her best, your First One, though you never would have said it. I was jealous then, and that envy was enough to set my soul afire. I fought for you and grew and changed, until we were strong, all of us together. Sometimes we felt unbeatable, standing on mountain peaks or looking over oceans or staring into starry skies. It seemed there was no place we could not reach. But no one is invincible, despite our size, our strength, our cunning. No one is safe, especially not you, you silly human, so thin and soft and brittle. But we believed you were, back then, once. We believed you would keep us safe, not realising that you were the one who needed protecting. Maybe that's why it was so hard at the end. And why it felt not just like loss, but betrayal.

You were still young when it happened, as the ages of men go. I didn't see it, for I was inside my PokeBall, but I felt the release immediately, like electricity coarsing through my veins and then draining away, leaving ice. It was a new sensation, though it also seemed familiar somehow, like something half forgotten, a memory from my first days. After the cold came the dark. I found myself outside of my PokeBall with no other warning. Not the usual call or tug or soaring feeling, just release and emptiness; a quiet so still that I could hear blood pumping in my ears. You were lying on the ground, not moving. I didn't understand what I was seeing. There was no blood, no sign of injury. Fear and shock and grief paralysed me. I reached out for you with every fibre of my being, but you were nothing; no more alive than the stars above. I roared then, cursing you with everything I had. Stupid, stupid, so fragile! How could you be so reckless? Did you not know that we depended on you, so small and slight and breakable? How could I ever have believed in your protection, still such a child? My mother would have been strong and fierce. She would never have surrendered. You were nothing! And everything to me!

Charizard stood over your body, her claws caressing your face, so gentle. Her wail was guttural and heart-wrenching when she finally noticed the rest of us there, released from our orbs. "It is true then," her eyes bored into mine, her PokeBall lay forgotten on the ground, "you are free, so he is gone". When I tried to get closer, she slashed at me with her tail. A scary kind of fury made her almost unrecognisable. She was the crying Charmander who needed you to patch her tail, the stubborn Charmeleon, so craving your love, the heartbroken Charizard, who failed in the final battle. She was the mother who lost a child and the child who lost a mother. I could see it all there, flashing in her eyes: A decade of memories, hurt and joy and pain. "Don't touch him!" she screeched, all claws and teeth, instincts taking over. "He is mine!" How I ached to fight her, to release my anger towards your favoured one! To punish you! I snarled, baring my teeth, letting grief push all sense away. She snapped at me, her claws raking across my face and leaving a nasty gash. I was stunned out of the emotion that had consumed me. She crouched again, ready for another attack. The guilt radiated off her, powering her rage. I let her be, then, and walked away. She was the First One, after all. It was hardest for her, your Starter, who loved you more than life itself. I waited patiently while she mourned you, trying to deal with my own grief and loss. Hours passed like centuries, the longest night of my life. Charizard picked you up - such a small thing you looked in her arms! - your head lolled back, eyes closed as if sleeping. We said goodbye although you were already gone, and then she carried you away. Don't ask me what became of her, because I don't know. Despite our years of friendship, of fighting together, of the heartbreak that now joined us, I never saw her again. I know you would have wanted us to stay together, and I am sorry. You were the rope that bound us, the sun who captured us in orbit. Without you, we were scattered with the tides. I hope she found you, though. I do.

You came to me, not long before that. I sometimes wonder if you knew that it was almost the end. "Do you know what happens to Pokemon when their trainer dies?", you asked me. We were alone and it was dark and cold. The night was our time, when you would lean up against my back to sleep, enjoying the warmth of the fire within me. It seemed to ease the coughing that plagued you, when the medicine wouldn't work. The others rested in PokeBalls at your waist. Sometimes we would talk and sometimes not. Today we had lost a tough battle. I was sure you were disappointed in me. "I don't know what happens", I lied. But I know I could never live without you. I know I might just as easily have been placed into the cold hands of any child. I know of them all, I would still love you best. I said none of it. You took a deep breath then, as if deciding what to say. The silence stretched between us, until you finally spoke, "You battled well today, I am so proud of you."

You are safe now, little human, who once towered over me. Who fed me from your hand and patched my cuts and helped me grow. Who smiled and cried sometimes and laughed too much. Who bit my ear and made me love you. So still, you are, so peaceful. Nothing can hurt you anymore, as I know this would have hurt. So I can tell you now. Despite the ball breaking open, despite the light and the knowing and the grief and the promise, there is no release, no freedom. Souls tied so tightly can never be unbound. It is not a physical thing. There is nothing preventing my recapture by another trainer; all traces of your ownership have been removed. But you wanted to know what really happens when a trainer dies, didn't you? When a trainer dies, we cry and it is all we can do not to drown in the tears. We wait for the coming of the End of All Things and maybe there, find peace, at last. Maybe there, find you.

It has been another year, young one who will never age, and so I visit you again, here where you surrendered to death, and left us, your children and protectors. And here I am, still paddling, though my heart grows weary and tired of fighting. Oh, it has been such a long, lonely time.

[Caite-chan]

You might be the first one to ever make me cry by fan fic...lol. Reading it I couldn't help but to think of what my cats might think if I were to suddenly go. I felt so bad for the Pokemon because I know that they wouldn't want to have any other Trainer. I really loved it. :D

[Grassy_Aggron]

Oh wow, this is lovely. So sweet, and sad, at the end. While we're never given a clear reason why they died, I'd presume the flu or lung cancer from the coughing.

That poor...I'm just going to assume Arcanine, since fluffy fire on the inside. And bigger than a person. Because Charizard starter indicated Kanto.

I OVER ANALYZE I AM SORRY.

It was a lovely read and you got the emotion down very well. Thank you for the depressing read, Sarah~