PXFire-- Creative Writing

[Shruikan]

There would have been 5, but sadly I couldn't get my entry finished in time... Oh well, good luck to everyone else who entered :)

[LKWayvern]

There would have been 5, but sadly I couldn't get my entry finished in time... Oh well, good luck to everyone else who entered :)

If you can somehow finish it in... ten minutes, it will be accepted.


If it's any consolation, though, next challenge will be two weeks.

[LKWayvern]

I have 100 points to divy up to the varying categories. There are 20 points in the Originality category, 35 in the Characters category, 35 in the Coherency category, and 10 in the Spelling and Grammar category. This week, there were seven submission, so I had to make not-very-many points go a lot of ways, and there were some very good entries.
In addition to the scores, I have commentary and feedback I wrote down while reading through the entries. I hope to see you all in the second challenge. Good luck to your respective teams.

In the Blink of an Eye

Username: @VeloJello
Team: Avalon Apostles
Entry: In the Blink of an Eye

Commentary and Scoring

Spoiler:

Commentary:[/u]

Already enjoying how you set the scene and describe the location, and the protagonist himself.

I wonder a little if color’s going to come into play more-- you mentioned streetlights casting a blue light, and then the blur that I assume is our antagonist is red, creating a contrast.

And immediately setting the stakes for Moment, and showing why he’s so nervous-- Moment’s fairly new to the scene, while his target Scorpio seems to have no qualms about maiming his foes.

Moment having his own weapons, like a taser and pepper spray, in addition to his power. I only recall seeing that in one other superhero story, but I do like a lot where it pops up-- you can’t rely just on your own power, it may give out or prove less useful than you’d like in some situations. Good on Moment for being prepared.

Also like the mention of Moment’s powers having limits of some kind-- it always makes a power, and how it’s used, more interesting when there are limits and weaknesses one has to find a way around.

Oh hey, a semi-colon.

Also like the mention of Moment’s costume being store-bought. Not all heroes have the time, skill, and resources to commission a costume or make it themself.

And there go the colors again-- Moment’s costume is blue, similar to the streetlights, contrasting Scorpio.

And now I’m curious about how prisons for supers are handled here.

I suppose that the fear may be being sent to the aforementioned super-prison? In that other superhero story I mentioned, there was a prison for superheroes that went to extreme measures to keep supervillains in, so much so that it was impossible to take anyone out again once someone was sent inside that prison. I wonder what measures are taken in this setting, and if anyone here is ever allowed out.

Ooh. Yeah, that’s really gonna hurt.

I wonder how Scorpio got his name-- if he selected it, or if the media dubbed him that, and if there’s meaning behind it.

I liked Scorpio getting help for Moment. Adds something more to his character beyond being just a typical bad guy. That being said-- he is still a criminal, still wary of ending up in that super-jail, and afraid of whatever goes on in there.

Originality:
You didn’t go into a whole lot of detail about the world this is set in or how their respective powers worked, which is very understandable considering how short this was, and your time limit. I did see some flashes of worldbuilding, with things like the mention of how jails for supers were run, how Moment had teachers, how this was a gig, as in someone would presumably pay Moment for taking down Scorpio, and that Moment was months into it, meaning Moment was tracking Scorpio specifically for a while. You didn’t put all this information in an exposition dump, which I liked, but got a lot of interesting worldbuilding out a bit at a time, and I think you handled it quite well. I also liked a lot how Moment and Scorpio had two different powers, but they were used in the same way, especially in this fight-- I thought that that was an interesting use of that guideline.

Three points for Originality.

Characters:
Superhero stories are a much-loved trope. Admittedly, you see many more of them in comics and action movies than written literature-- the only written superhero story I can think of off the top of my head is the one I occasionally referenced in my commentary, called Worm. It was less the fact that these were both superhero stories, and more the fact that most characters in Worm are more in shades of grey. That being said, in Worm, that tends to be because the vast majority of the characters do bad things for what they think are the right reason. The shades of grey here are more positive, I feel, which I liked a lot-- Scorpio has his speech about survival of the fastest, it’s true, but he also assists a fledgling superhero in surviving the encounter. Like I said earlier, he may be a criminal, but he’s not just evil, which I really liked.
And then there was Moment, who I also loved. I feel you did really well with his trepidation and anxiety, and setting the stakes for him. You mentioned him having teachers, so I’m curious if there’s a mentor system set in place for the fledgling superheroes of this world, how they trained him, if they’re the ones who got him this gig, and if they could have given him budget for gear and costumes.

Seven points for Characters.

Coherency:
I had no problems with coherency. When you did change perspective, it was a clear shift, and I could see the difference between Moment’s perspective and Scorpio’s persective.

Four points for Coherency.

Spelling and Grammar:
I saw no serious issues.

Two points for Spelling and Grammar.

Fifteen points total for VeloJello of the Avalon Apostle’s ‘In the Blink of an Eye’.

Shatterpoint

Username: @Neo Emolga
Team: Avalon Apostles
Entry: Shatterpoint

Commentary and Scoring

Spoiler:

Commentary:

Spoiler:

Ooooo, I really like this beginning, draws you right in. Who is this unnamed protagonist? What is it they’re so scared of, and what is this horrible thing feeding on their fear? How’d they get in this unfortunate situation? Guess I gotta keep reading!

Karos, is that our pitiful protag? Break them? Who are they? Go back where, and what’s preventing him from doing so?

Ah, ‘twas a nightmare. And oooo, this is a Pokemon story? I don’t remember getting any Pokemon stories last year, so this’ll be interesting.

By day, he had to fight them for real. No rest for this guy, it seems.

Fragments of glass, what from, I wonder? And who’s this weird voice talking to Karos?

Oo, a Raichu against a Giratina… Not exactly a fair fight.

So Fokasu is the power to create? To create any other Pokeon? Yikes, I certainly can see now why you don’t want that falling into the wrong hands. You’ve definitely established the stakes for this war, and they are high indeed. Nevermind the world, the fabric of reality is likely in danger, should the wrong Pokemon be brought into existance.

And after this Pokemon is created, is it a new life capable of thinking and feeling and acting on its own? Is it merely an extension of its creator? Is it possible for it to go off and do whatever it pleases, or does it fulfill a specific purpose and then return to nothingness? I wonder how Karos found out about his power-- did he stumble upon it by accident, or did someone identify it within him? Is he capable of using that power now, is he struggling to access it, can he use it but not control it?

Whoops okay one question answered already-- fight and defend whatever Karos decided on. I do wonder if they’re sentient and to what degree, though.

They live forever? Because they’re Legendary Pokemon, or because they’re creations? Jeez louise.

This is a not-quite-as-serious thought, but now I’m wondering if the names Karos rattled off are beautiful and poetic names he crafted for his creations, or if they’re fairly common ones he just picked off the top of his head, like Jonathan, Alexis, Rebecca. The former would be sad and touching, the latter amuses me.


Hm. I wonder if the reason Zevel’s hordes are deranged are because he’s valuing quantity over quality, or if they’re just reflecting his wickedness somehow.

Zevel felt no ‘ping’?

Okay, more of my wondering and speculation being answered. If Karos’ creations can be considered his friends and companions, then I suppose they’re capable of speaking and thinking and feeling on their own, but since Zevel’s creations are gibbering and lacking in the sanity department, I guess it takes some effort and care to make it that way?

How does one act as mentor to a person who can endlessly recreate the gods?

And how did Karos and Zevel gain their gifts? Was it random chance and happenstance? Did some higher god of fate give them it? Have there been others with the Fokasu? How did they wield it? Did Zevel steal it from them somehow, and use their former gift to slaughter them, too?

Humans did exist at some point? How fascinating! I wonder how long this war’s been raging-- decades at the very least.

Zevel had ‘discovered and infested’ this world? I wonder what it was like before then. If it had a purpose, if it had inhabitants, before Zevel invaded it and made it his base of operations.

Well, good thing Karos is a Raichu and has moves like Thunder Wave, I suppose.

A fear of broken glass, huh? Karos seems to have the worst luck.

I liked that scene. Probably won’t totally cure Karos’ phobia, but it’ll help.

I do really like how you describe the scene here, too.

We don’t see the final battle between Karos and Zevel, but I do feel that that was a good place to stop. Had you had more time, I would have absolutely been interested in seeing what, eventually, occurred.

Originality:
I will admit-- when I first posted this first challenge, I wasn’t really expecting a Pokemon submission. After getting certain questions, however, I started expecting it a little.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed this story a lot. I talk later about how I really like the pacing, and how the emotional feeling of the story changes. But I don’t think originality was quite the strongest suit of this story. Giratina is the antagonist of Pokemon stories quite often, the Renegade banished for violence rebelling against the rest of the gods. That being said, original or not, you made it work for this story-- Something about Giratina and mirrors just works excellently. And I will admit, it’s not every day that one sees a Giratina with the power of creation-- typically I see Giratinas with powers over portals, shadows, dimensions, or gravity.
I am extremely curious about humans once existing, though, and I have to wonder a lot about that. Were they Zevel’s first target after destroying the Legendaries, or did they die out long ago due to unrelated circumstances? How long has this world been without its gods, and how has this affected it?

Three points for Originality.

Characters:
This is unsurprising, but of all the characters that I saw in this entry, I think the best one was Karos. He was the one the entire story was told from the perspective of, we hear everything from his point of view-- his thoughts on his powers, his fear, his foe, his creations, his mentor. I did enjoy the interaction between him and Farrel a lot, and how Farrel helped Karos temporarily overcome his phobia. I wish we could have met one of Karos’ creations that he put his heart and soul into, or Zevel himself, but again-- short time limit, so very understandable why we couldn’t

Four points for Characters.

Coherency:
Again, no issues or confusing things with coherency. You began in a quite emotionally-charged in media res, but still found a way to explain what was going on in to get to this point without disrupting the flow, never changing the stakes but slowly bringing down the emotional trepidation Karos was feeling until he was prepared for the final battle. I think that was one of the best things about this submission.

Seven points for Coherency.

Spelling and Grammar:
No problems that I saw.

Two points for Spelling and Grammar.

Fifteen points total for Neo Emolga of the Avalon Apostle’s ‘Shatterpoint’.

The Actress

Username: @arnisd
Team: The best one Sabotage Squadron
Entry: The Actress

Commentary and Scoring:

Spoiler:

Commentary:

Spoiler:

Seem to be quite a few in media res beginnings this week.

!!! Steamtech!? As in steampunk!? I LOVE steampunk. I’m going to enjoy this a lot, aren’t I.

And spells? Also love it when steampunk and magic/supernatural forces find a way to coexist. This shall be interesting…

Psychics too? Is that a part of the magic, I wonder?

Ah. So, the psychic thing probably isn’t part of the movie(or, it could be, just not special effects specifically), but the steamtech may or may not be. Magic also probably isn’t.

That’s alright, though. I also really like seeing a high magic presence in a more modern setting, and how that might affect things such as technology and culture.

And uuuuuugh. Shouty directors are definitely the worst. I don’t need annoying psychic castmates to sympathize with Lea.

‘Professional mages’. So, you presumably still need to study to become an adequate magic user-- but rather than adventuring and researching spells, it seems there are other things one can do with a degree in magic. I wonder how it’s used in other jobs? It’s got to be a really useful skill.

Ah, and background illusions! Goddamn, that would make a lot of set construction so much easier…

So, species like elves, too. Oho, definitely enjoying this…

Dragon assisting with special effects, yes, I love it. Wonder what they need the fractal shield generator for, though.

So we can have fancy illusions, but no spells for waterproof makeup? Boooo.

Ah, and there’s the mirror. Falluin’s getting pretty annoying, wonder what’s up with him. Envy of Lea’s talent, possibly?

Emotional vampire of some kind? Fascinating. That raises a bunch more questions for me. Did he end up on this movie specifically because he had selected Lea as his ‘target’? Or did he decide to do the movie for some other reason, and intend to ruin anyone’s life who ended up paired with him? Has he done this with other people, and how long? Does he change careers to avoid suspicion? How old is he, and I know elves can be long-lived in many settings, but is he really an elf?

And why’s he telling this to Lea now, I wonder? Possibly because it’s very likely no one will believe her, meanwhile her frustraton in no one believing her will generate more negative emotions for him to feed on.

I wonder if he genuinely enjoys acting, or if this is just a matter of feeding for him?

Ah, dozens of times. Guess this answers a few questions. And guess he probably isn’t really an elf. I wonder if he was an elf at some point and became this thing, or if he was just born this way.

Hm, he’s done this dozens of times, he has practice. So, I suppose in order to milk out as many negative emotions as possible, he did his research on Lea and her background? I wonder if it was while feeding off someone else in particular, or if there was an interlude-period in which he focused on preparing for just Lea, and how long it was. How long can he go without a victim, in other words?

‘...you’ll be unable to find a roll ever again.’ You misspelled role.

Okay, so that’s what the fractal shield generator is needed for. I suppose something like that can make action look more realistic, and take away some need for stunt doubles. Illusions can also help, I suppose.

Hm. So the steamtech may not be entirely a prop.

I wonder how magic in this world works? Are there specializations? Are they in things like elements, or are the more similar to Schools of Magic like in D&D? Or is there a general type of magic that most mages know? It doesn’t seem to use runes, hand motions, or words. Can anyone learn magic? And are demons like Falluin common?

Falluin, you’ve been tormenting that girl for lord knows how long, and now you expect her to be gentle on you?

‘He started laughing, a maniacle, evil laugh, heard throughout the studio.’ The correct spelling is maniacal.

George’s oblivious reaction did amuse me.

Hm. This’ll be interesting indeed. Really enjoyed the dialogue in that last bit.

Originality:
I am slowly discovering that I really enjoy stories that happen on a set. I really, really liked seeing things often found only in high fantasy settings used in more modern ways-- as in, as special effects and the like on a movie set!
I’m curious about how the magic, psychic powers, and steamtech gauntlet all tie in. It seems like the steamtech can amplify and direct magical power, if I understood it correctly?
I do really love seeing how magic systems and the like work in different settings. I really enjoyed the world you constructed here.

Four points for Originality.

Characters:
I did enjoy the characters in this tale. However, I feel the way you introduced them and their personalities and motivations was a bit tell-ish rather than showing? Most of it was during Falluin’s monologue, in which he explained himself and dissected Lea. You did have bits earlier where you showed how Lea’s acting career was threatening to fall apart, and likely would if she messed up on this shoot one more time. However I feel you could’ve had more of her anxiety over having to do just as well as the rest of her family in her thoughts and the like, rather than having it all come out at once while Falluin taunts her.

Five points for Characters.

Coherency:
The main problem, I think, was during the discussion in the middle of the story between Falluin and Lea. It mainly felt like two exposition dumps, about the nature of the protagonist and antagonist. It could have flowed better if you put more things earlier about Lea’s past, I feel.

Five points for Coherency.

Spelling and Grammar:
Noticed at least two spelling mistakes, and some sentences I feel could have used a few more commas.

One point for Spelling and Grammar.

Fifteen points total for Arnisd of the Sabotage Squadron’s ‘The Actress’.

The Hidden Power of Love

Username: @Cleobel
Team: Agents of the Shadows
Entry: The Hidden Power of Love

Commentary and Scoring:

Spoiler:

Commentary:

Spoiler:

‘Ey, first opening that’s not some kind of in media res! Straight to the point about who these people are. And who these people are is another Pokemon story.

And beekeeeper Magmortar?

Mm. I’m beginning to see something of a potential red flag here. In stories one hears the phrase ‘show don’t tell’ thrown around a lot. What that means is, people would prefer learning things about the characters themselves through things like scenes and interactions, rather than just being told things about the characters.

There are absolutely times when it’s better to tell, however right here I think you’re doing too much of that. You’ve told us that the characters are in love, and one was just hit by a move and kidnapped, cool. But if you tell too much, it can start feeling more like a lecture rather than a story. Starting with an interaction between the two characters can show their affection, then you can describe how fire came out and blasted Vespiquen and Wormadam, injuring them both so it was a simple matter for Magmortar to kidnap Vespiquen while Wormadam helplessly tried to get her back, describing them in detail rather than stating them like they’re facts. As it is now, I don’t really know much about the characters or their personalities. I know Vespiquen and Wormadam are in love, but I know that because you told me-- I don’t know how they treat each other, how they like to show affection, if they’re living together, what they like doing together, if they’ve been considering a future together, et cetera. I know Magmortar is cruel, and kidnapping a Pokemon to make them produce a product is very cruel and greedy, yes, but you could have implied it further-- by describing how he treats his captives, by making whatever place he lives in be fairly decadent to show he’s miserly but still wants more money, and the like.

In addition, there’s Magmortar announcing what he attends to do with Vespiquen. It’s possible that later on, Vespiquen or Wormadam could have come to that conclusion on their own, or the other Combee could have explained it to Vespiquen, rather than Magmortar himself explaining for the viewer’s sake directly after capturing Vespiquen.

Many people enjoy stories because said stories make them connect with a character, and feel for them. It’s easier for people to feel for characters if you describe how the characters themselves are feeling.

If you’re having trouble describing emotions, then perhaps you can start by thinking about how certain emotions make you feel physically, and go through there. If Wormadam’s scared by the fire, you can describe how she starts trembling or sweating, how her heartbeat accelerates and her breathing becomes hyperventilating, how she starts imagining terrible scenarios involving fire. If Vespiquen’s happy and relieved at being rescued, you can describe how she feels a breath she didn’t know she was holding in be exhaled, how she feels a weight lifted from her chest, how she feels lightheaded and she’s grinning because her girlfriend is safe and sound still after doing battle with a powerful Fire-type.

Another issue I noticed, that is different but also related to the aforementioned one. You use a lot of very technical terms, such as Fire-type, Flame Body ability, Super Effective moves. I don’t necessarily have much issue with using such terms sometimes, but using only those terms and nothing else can make action a bit drier. In one fanfiction I read once, Pokemon characters referred to moves by their names, however when those moves were used in battle, the narration, rather than saying ‘Such and such used Energy Ball’, instead described how one character cupped their hands, creating a small and unstable sphere of sunlight, tossing it towards a foe. You don’t need to use it with each and every move, but it makes a more interesting visual picture to describe what the move does, rather than only state what it is. You state that Mirror Shot lowered Magmortar’s accuracy, but instead you could have described how bright flashing lights from the Mirror Shot disoriented Magmortar, making it hard for him to aim. Plus, I’ve found it’s sometime pretty fun to imagine what a move looks like and how it works.

A more minor thing I noticed. A lot of people use quotation marks to denote dialogue. As a result, it could possibly confuse others when you use quotation marks for both dialogue and internal thought. I would recommend italicizing internal thought instead, as that seems to be the most widely accepted way to show it.

Originality:
Well, the story is fairly straightforward. Vespiquen gets kidnapped by a greedy Magmortar, Wormadam goes off to fight him and rescue her. Not much deviation from that initial premise.

One point for Originality.

Characters:
Well, I mentioned it before. The characters are somewhat flat. You tell us things about them, but there isn’t much to be seen of their personalities through dialogue and interaction with others.

Two points for Characters.

Coherency:
At no point was I confused about what was going on.

Three points for Coherency.

Spelling and Grammar:
You did have rather good spelling and grammar in the story.

One point for Spelling and Grammar.

One final thing I wanted to say here…

In the PXFire Creative Writing competition, a lot of different people are participating. And at least a few of them I know for a fact have been writing fanfics or comics for several years, and are thus more experienced in writing and storytelling than you are. And that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone starts somewhere, and the only way that you can get better is by writing a lot, screwing up a lot, figuring out where you screwed up, and then writing even more so you can learn from those screw-ups. I wrote a lot of fanfics, and I’m happy that most of them are lost because they were pretty bad-- but I’m also happy that I wrote them, because they helped me get to where I am in writing now.

I apologize if I sounded harsh in writing this, but I also hope that you learn something from this experience, and that you continue writing and improving in the future.

Seven points total for Cleobel of the Agents of the Shadows’ ‘The Hidden Power of Love’.

Fusion

Username: @K’sariya
Team: Avalon Apostles
Entry: Fusion

Commentary and Scoring:

Spoiler:

Commentary:

Spoiler:

Well, damn. That’s one way to gain attention.

Who’s eaten the sun? Sounds like something straight out of ancient mythology, which is a thing I love. Must be how they ate the sun without being incinerated.

And who are these two people conversing? A god and their servant, perhaps?

Oooooooo I like how you describe things. I like it a lot. There’s a kind of slow weight to that paragraph, like something ancient was just awoken, and is not especially happy to be up at this moment.

I’ve always enjoyed it when someone describes the appearance of a Pokemon rather than just saying their name, and you do it quite well, giving me a pretty mental image but not going on for long enough to detract from the flow of the story.

Okay I could probably go on all day about how you paint and craft with words.

Scrying with fire? Interesting, most often I see it done with glass or water.

Huh, okay. So by swallowing the sun, we don’t literally mean the flaming sphere in the sky, but fusing with Solgaleo.

And this is something I hadn’t quite considered. I remember when Necrozma was released, some people were upset with its fusions, feeling it had already been done with Kyurem. Personally I thought it was different in a way, because Reshiram, Zekrom, and Kyurem had all once been one, and that didn’t seem to be the case with Solgaleo, Lunala, and Necrozma. It’ll be interesting to see which fusion is more powerful.

I’m curious about Kichonne. How did she come to be a servant of a Legendary Pokemon? Was she raised for this, does she enjoy this job? Can she consider herself to be a friend of Kyurem’s, does she feel she understands him to any extent?

Huh, so fusing with Solgaleo brought darkness to the land as well… that ain’t good. I like seeing the consequences of Necrozma’s actions here.

And hey! Worldbuilding! I love worldbuilding. Getting the explanation of how the sun and moon work in this world populated by gods, and why things are dark now… yes, I like.

So the humans woke up Necrozma. I wonder how advanced they are, and if they knew what it was they were doing.

Reshiram, one who wields fire and light, is afraid of the darkness. Interesting. Since she was once a part of Kyurem, does that mean he does, or did, too?

Hm, that bright light probably didn’t go unnoticed.

Their own creator, hm?

I really liked how you incorporated the mirror guideline, here. Not a physical mirror, but the mask of Dusk Mane Necrozma, and showing how Kyurem and Necrozma are similar.

The humans fused the DNA Splicer into Kyurem. Okay, suppose that that answers my question from earlier. Would I be correct in assuming that this world isn’t all that different from the main Pokemon games?

I really really love how this fight scene is written… In a previous entry I mentioned describing the different moves Pokemon use, rather than just stating their names, and I think you do that here beautifully.

Once more, Necrozma eats the light. I wonder how light tastes.

Yeeeeeeeeees really enjoyed this one. Would be interested in learning more about Kyurem’s relationship with Reshiram and with Zekrom, if they all like each other and how much they actually talk. Also curious about how much Legendaries tend to communicate and like each other in general.

Necrozma acting out of a fear of the light? Interesting… I wonder why that is.

Originality:
So, Pokemon themes seem fairly popular this time around, but you also seem to be the only one to have a Legendary Pokemon as a protagonist. And I mentioned earlier about this piece seeming like something out a mythology, a tale that would be told about gods from the dawn of time. This was the only entry that really gave me a feeling like that. There were other stories involving Legendary Pokemon, or Pokemon with powers that should belong to Legendaries, but you went into detail about things like how Solgaleo and Lunala truly did control the sun and the moon. As someone who loves Legendary Pokemon a lot(Kyurem in particular is one I love), I’ve read(and written) quite a few fanfics involving them, and they all seem to have different ideas about the Legendaries and their place in the world. In a lot of stories in which Pokemon and humans coexist, Legendaries seem to have godlike powers, but they’re often portrayed as just really really strong Pokemon, since they can be captured-- but I really didn’t feel that from this story. It seems that the problems couldn’t just be solved by popping Necrozma in a Pokeball.

Four points for Originality.

Characters:
Also definitely enjoyed the characters. Kichonne for sure-- I’m extremely curious about how she got this job. Presumably she’s had it for a while, as she seems pretty comfortable around Kyurem, and is capable of doing things such as spying on Necrozma or summoning Reshiram. I also enjoyed the dialogue you had for Kyurem and Necrozma a lot.

Seven points for Characters.

Coherency:
The ending did feel a little rushed, and I’m confused about where Ultra Necrozma went in the end, but the rest of it was wonderful.

Six points for Coherency.

Spelling and Grammar:
No errors that I could see.

Two points for Spelling and Grammar.

Nineteen points total for K’sariya of the Avalon Apostles’ ‘Fusion’.

Untitled

Username: @Noblejanobii
Team: Avalon Apostles
Entry: Untitled

Commentary and Scoring:

Spoiler:

Commentary:

Spoiler:

Ah yes. Sewing. I had a costuming class just this year. Not much of a designer myself, though I had some classmate who were extremely good at it.

The protagonist is a D&D nerd and is giving punny names to the dresses she made. Yes, I love this.

It took me a little bit to catch the switch between Amy’s POV and Nichols’.

Okay so like I said, took a costuming class this year. And what dresses I had to make in it, even with a sewing machine, were rather time-consuming. So now you’ve made me want to punch Nichols in the face. Congratulations, I suppose?

“...outfits had been damaged, ad his work was done…”

Damn, Nichols is a jerk.

‘D&D characters she and her friends had conceived’. Ooooo, are we calling in those friends now?

Even with help, twelve hours straight of just sewing? Damn. And I definitely remember how stressful deadlines tended to be in that class. Here the difference is rather than a play’s costumes getting done in time, getting in with the most skilled fashion designers is on the line.

“ensuring she was able to see the thread properly see she switched between machine and hand threaded.” Not entirely certain what you were trying to say here.

Well, crap. Seems they went past the deadline. But they still managed to mend four seemingly-irreparable dresses in a very short amount of time, which is incredible.

Hm. I wonder how they knew about the incident? Glad that they could recognize someone capable of being resourceful when they saw it, though.

Not technically an error, but “future evils in the future” feels rather redundant.

Originality:
So, I don’t typically read realistic-fiction. It’s not usually something I find interesting. Most of the realistic fiction stories, I really can’t connect with any of the characters, and/or the plot feels like something uninteresting to me. However I seriously did enjoy this. I think you did rather well with the ‘powers’ guideline, since sewing is something most people in our world can learn to do, rather than a superpower or a Pokemon move/ability.

Three points for Originality.

Characters:
I seriously did enjoy Amy, though. You gave her a lot of stuff, interests, her fear, her friends.I assumed earlier that they were the aforementioned friends who made D&D characters with her, so there’s also shared interests in there as well. And you can really tell that they ARE good friends, what with how they were willing to help her for twelve hours, and how Theresa went out with her onto the stage, being willing to take Amy back home if that was really what she wanted, but still encouraging her to show off all her hard work. And it seriously was hard work, not just talent, which I also liked. Honestly, I think Amy and her friends was the thing I enjoyed most about this story.
I think you handled Amy’s phobia extremely well. It hindered her when it stopped her from reporting the incident, yes, but it never stopped her entirely. Despite her stage fright, instead of just giving up instead she busted her *** to repair her dresses. That still takes a lot of determination and bravery.

Six points for Characters.

Coherency:
I will say that the temporary jump early on from Amy’s POV to Nichols’ I was a bit confused by at first. I needed to go back and reread a paragraph to understand we jumped to another character.

Four points for Coherency.

Spelling and Grammar:
At least two spelling mistakes.

One point for Spelling and Grammar.

Seventeen points total for Noblejanobii of the Avalon Apostles’ entry.

Untitled

Username: @Coru
Team: Sabotage Squadron
Entry: Untitled

Commentary and Scoring:

Spoiler:

Commentary:

Spoiler:

You set the mood immediately, focusing on how very dark it is, and that’s good, but the language you use is also kind of redundant, just repeating how dark it is. Instead, perhaps you can use Addie’s actions and behavior to show how dark it is? Perhaps she needs to stretch out her arms in front of her to keep from bumping into walls and furniture. Maybe she needs to rely only on hearing, and follow unnerving noises to her parents’ bedroom. Possibly, she tries to see her hands in the darkness and can’t make them out, but somehow does see that strange figure before her in some unnatural way.

Hm, so this is a recurring nightmare, huh? And I wonder who this Morty is. A brother, or a friend, perhaps?

‘We were five’. So I suppose he is her family, and that this nightmare was based off of real events. That cannot have been a pleasant experience for a five year old, no wonder Addie’s having nightmares about it now. I wonder how long it’s been since then.

Identical twins, huh? There are differences even between identical twins, though-- personality sometimes being one such difference. And personality and morality seems to be one major difference here, though.

Oh, whoops, Morty’s a girl. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of it being used as a girl’s name before. If Morty is our villain, though I suppose it’s a fitting name for one such villain-- ‘Morty’ being a name derived from a word for death, if memory serves correctly.

Twin telepathy, the legends are at last confirmed!

Replacement teacher. My suspicions are aroused. Especially when Addie mentions something seeming odd or familiar about him. I wonder if he’s that mystery man who killed her parents? Both their eyes were noted to be ‘wild’.

If so, I wonder why he did it?

‘Two gold teeth’. Yup, that’s him.

Hm. So is he after them because of the whole mind powers thing? How would he know they had them?

I wonder if Morty’s name is short for something.

And now the nightmare changes.

Ah, so the man does have the same powers, I guess? Maybe he’s manipulating them into killing each other for him, so he doesn’t have to lift a finger. I wonder if doing that is more or less mentally exerting than killing them both physically-- if he’s doing this because it’s easier, or if he’s doing it just for his own amusement.

Jeez louise. Has this dude been slowly killing all of Addie and Morty’s family? Did they all have mental powers, or is this due to a grudge or something?

Hm, wonder what Morty’s gonna do. Most likely manipulate him into doing something. If he does have mental powers, would he be able to resist it, though? Has Addie told Morty about that dream that went differently, would doing so have made a difference?

“...Morty focussed and at that moment…” Should be focused.

Welp.

So did Morty kill her own parents? For what purpose? Sick amusement? I guess she could have implanted false memories in Addie’s head to throw her off track. Would killing Addie as well have been too suspicious? (Then again, who would suspect a five year old, and who would believe that said five year old has scary telepathy powers?) Or did she just have an attachment to Addie?

So Addie and Morty’s parents didn’t have mental powers. I wonder why Addie and Morty have them? Just crazy random happenstance?

I do like the sort of cliffhanger-y ending, though.

Originality:
The idea of a good twin and an evil twin is something that’s been used a lot, but I do think you brought something a little new to it, in a way. Between Morty’s actions and Mr. Baton’s, it was somewhat ambiguous who the true murderer was. You could have played up that ambiguity a bit more, possibly giving us more reason to suspect both potential villains. Beyond his appearance in the nightmare, we don’t have very much reason to suspect Mr. Baton. Alternatively, we could have seen even more of the whole ‘we’re superior to humans’ deal from Morty, possibly with her defending her twin from the ‘mundane’ bullies like Todd.

Two points for Originality.

Characters:
I think you did alright with characters. As I said earlier, you could have gone further with confusing the audience over who the true villain was-- you could have added to the confusion by putting in more moments where Morty seemed to care about Addie, or where she disliked whatever caretaker they were under the guardianship of at the moment. I feel that Addie didn’t really talk about her own feelings toward her twin very much, either-- she discussed their respective opinions on their powers, and toward the end about how Morty had a superiority complex, but Addie could have also talked about if she liked Morty, if she considered them friends or if things such as Morty’s amoral nature made her afraid of Morty.

Four points for Characters.

Coherency:
I think one of the strengths of this was the pacing, especially with a little more of the truth being revealed each time that Addie had her nightmare, and I enjoyed the scenes where Addie and Morty spent time in the bathroom together. I feel that those scenes added to both character, and the emotional stakes of the story.

Five points for Coherency.

Spelling and Grammar:
I noticed one spelling error, and sometimes I saw some issues with punctuation. In addition, it might make it easier to read if you hit the enter key every time someone new began speaking, to avoid confusion while reading.

One point for Spelling and Grammar.

Twelve points total for Coru of the Sabotage Squadron’s submission.

Take a deep breath, you’ve finished this challenge.
The next will be announced later today.

[K'sariya]

Thank you so much for your commentary and feedback! Excited for the next round!

[Coru]

Thank you for the feedback. I'm not amazing at writing so it helped find what I need to improve on. The original ending was going to explain the connection with the twins more and explain how their link is also physical so Morty even if she wanted couldn't hurt Addie and it would end in Addie doing something to stop the both of them as what happens to one happens to the other (In terms of injury). I didn't have time to finish tho so might use this story and develop it for fun. :D
Well done everyone! Can't wait for the next brief.

[Cleobel]

@LKWayvern Thank you very much for your feedback! It will certainly be useful for my future stories. I wish all my college teachers did constructive criticism like you!

[LKWayvern]

@K'sariya: Thank YOU for participating! ^^ So am I. >:3
@Coru: Hey, with the sheer number of Avalon Apostles participating, I need to give my group every chance it can get to improve so we can kick some serious butt next round! In all seriousness, though, feedback and comments are something I sometimes don't get very often. Just writing and reading itself has helped me a lot, but knowing what other people think of my work specifically helps me far, far more. I'd like to see all you guys continue writing, and continue getting better, and participate in future rounds both this year and coming years. ^^
@Cleobel: No problem! I tend to do acting a lot, and in one of my acting classes how to properly give constructive criticism was emphasized a lot, so I'm glad those skills are coming in handy.

[LKWayvern]

@VeloJello @Neo Emolga @arnisd @Cleobel @K’sariya @Noblejanobii @Coru

Take a deep breath. Round One is over, and you have far more time to work on your submission for Round Two.

So, in Round One, you set up two characters-- a hero and a villain. It was quite clear who stood on the side of light, and who supported the side of dark.
But what happens when we flip perspectives?

Round two is Turning Tables.

This round, you have two options, but major challenge. The options are to continue and to expand upon the story you just finished, or to select a different, well-known tale-- a fable or fairy tale, a short story or play, a popular book or movie, a story you wrote in the past, something of that nature.

The challenge this round is this: You need to select a major character from this tale, and tell this new story in such a way that, if this character was good in the original story, they now appear evil, and if this character was evil in the original story, they now appear good. This could be before the main antagonist was corrupted into villainy; it could the hero living long enough to turn rotten; it could be a simple change in perspective showing that what you thought was true was truly reversed. It’s all your decision.

The other challenges are as follows: like last time, you need to include a mirror in the story. But unlike last time, instead of having fear influence a character’s decisions, have it be love.

The deadline is two weeks from now, the fifteenth. Good luck.

[Noblejanobii]

Only two spelling mistakes? Haha I figured there’d be more given I didn’t even get a chance to proofread. Yeah the perspective shift was not a smart idea in hindsight. Or at least it should’ve been clearer. Good to know. And yes you guessed correctly! Those were the D&D friends! In case you were wondering I did have outfits named for them too, but the names got scrapped because I felt like drowning on about the outfits would detract from the story.

Excited for the next round! We’re on recess this week which means more time to write st work!

[Bulbasaur]

I had really cool idea for week one, but it was too deep of a concept, so I wasn't able to finish. :[ Oh well, two weeks should allow me enough time to submit something!