[PXFIRE] Comics

[Noblejanobii]

Ahhhh yeah I still gotta finish this @_@

[Nekomata]

No hurries- I know there's at least 2-3 more finishing up their entries. I'm not gonna judge til those are in. ^_^

[Noblejanobii]

No hurries- I know there's at least 2-3 more finishing up their entries. I'm not gonna judge til those are in. ^_^

Yeah I'm working on it right now but I've still got more than half of the entry to go XD

[K'sariya]

We are about 20 minutes from home!! Entry coming soon, promise @__@

EDIT (so I don’t double-post): Made it! Not entirely happy with it, but hoping to improve on it a lot for the final round. Same script as last round!

Since a lot of my script relied on communicating mood/setting with color, I wanted to make sure I did quick coloring in this one! For the record, I've been doing my drawing work on an iPad with an Apple Pencil, using Procreate. This one was done all in the car, so bear with me, haha.

Spoiler:

[Noblejanobii]

Okkaayyy I didn't have time to rewrite the script like I wanted so here's the strip based on the original script!

Spoiler:

[Bulbasaur]

Wasn't quite able to finish. May be able to in the morning, since you seem pretty relaxed about submission time.

Spoiler:

Script:

Spoiler:

LAYOUT
Panel One is a large box on the upper left half of the page.
Panel Two is a longer, rectangular box to the right of Panel One.
Panel Three is an even longer rectangular box. It takes up the whole page width, and is placed under the two previous panels.
Panel Four is a tall rectangle, taking up the remaining page height on the left side.

Panel One
A Venusaur, Charizard, and a Blastoise are seen walking into a forest. The sun is rising in the sky, above the forest. The Pokemon walking takes up the bottom third of the panel, the forest takes up the middle third of the panel, and the top panel is taken up by the sky and the rising sun.
VENUSAUR: I take strolls through this forest every morning.
CHARIZARD: I would've love to train here when I was a Charmander!
BLASTOISE: It's cool and all, but are there any streams?

Panel Two
The Venusaur, Charizard, and Blastoise are now walking in the forest on a path, one behind the other. There are bushes and trees galore in the background.
VENUSAUR: It's just down here a bit.

Panel Three
The camera is zoomed out a little bit more than on previous panels. The Pokemon are approaching a large tree trunk. There are flowers all around the tree.
BLASTOISE: Whoa, this tree is huge!

Panel Four
The camera looks at the large tree in its entirety. It has many bare branches, and doesn't appear to be super full of life. Charizard says something, but he is not in the picture.
CHARIZARD: But where are all the berries, Venusaur?

[Nekomata]

Time to judge~! I'll be giving feedback by going on a panel by panel basis on each entry and saying what I believe the story to be based on what I see pretending like I never saw the script. (Then offering feedback based on what I know of the script, of course.)

@arnisd

Spoiler:

Panel 1: This appears to be an establishing shot. Good good. I'm sure I've mentioned many times that scenes typically start with an establishing shot. However, establishing shots tend to be larger- the width of the page usually. This isn't always the case for repeated settings especially- but I feel yours could use a little more breathing room.

Panel 2: A monster attacking. Small panel is good- indicates fast time.

Panel 3: Our characters are inside the dungeon (yay establishing shot!) and one of them has just smacked away the monster in the previous panel.I feel this shot needs more page space as it's introducing characters. Consider making it a page-width panel with the previous panel as an insert panel or nixing it altogether (as the whole monster being defeated point gets across with or without it!)

Panel 4: One character strikes a victory pose and the other seems to be more like "phew". While their faces aren't very visible (and they totally don't have to be) due to the layout format- I can already get a lot of personality from your characters. One is very confident and full of herself and the other a bit more reserved. That's good.

Panel 5: Your characters seem to be discussing something- the more reserved one is investigating something as if he's noticed something. I do feel at this point you can have this panel focus purely on your reserved character- the more confident character's presence and location has already been established in the previous panel and any dialogue can easily trail over. I'm not sure what the reserved character is holding though or where it came from.

Panel 6: Reserved character notices something above him. Other character is celebrating, cheering, or going "Let's go!" in typical protagonist fashion. I think you don't need as much open space on the right. I imagine that to be part of the background, but the blankness is a bit awkward. You could hint at this foot/claw by focusing more of it in panel 3's background.

Panel 7: And we just realize that they're standing next to a giant foot. Whoops!

Panel 8: Reaction panel of confident character. I feel this should be inserted within/before panel seven. At the very least it needs more space. Reactions are important and need to be emphasized. For more dramatic effect have the character's face take up a larger amount of the frame.

Panel 9: And we see the entirety of the beast they're standing next to. Good big panel just to emphasize the moment and feel of the page.

--

Due to the number of panels going on here it feels a bit cramped. I do think this would benefit from being split into two pages. One with the establishing shot and the characters are doing their fighting, talking, and ending right as they're looking up- you can have the reaction shot here and give a nice page-turn cliffhanger into the shot where the massive beast is revealed in the second page. That would make panels 1-6 and 8 on one page and 9 getting a whole page to itself. If you establish they're next to a foot in panel 3, 4, 5, or 6 you could probably nix panel 7. Alternatively, the reaction shot could be embedded in the big reveal panel.

- Make sure to have spaces between your panels. This helps with readability. Having panels separated by nothing but lines can make it hard for the reader to see when one panel starts and ends.

Overall, great job!

@Neo Emolga

Spoiler:

Panel One: We see our main character sleeping inside what seems to be his home. Good solid establishing shot.

Panel Two: He's waking up and makes starts talking to himself

Panel Three: He seems rather cheery. Still talking to himself, but about what, who knows.

Panel Four: We see what are assumed to be his belongings that he is about to get ready. His shadow helps establish his position in relation to the objects shown.

Panel Five: I see what looks like a door frame- he definitely appears to be walking outside. Small panel = short action. Well done!

Panel Six: Total chaos and destruction. Big reveal shot. Well done!

Your story is one where there's a bit more reliance on the dialogue than some others here. That's not at all a bad thing. You definitely portray the character's joyfulness and the devastation in that final panel. Overall very readable and easy to follow!

@VeloJello

Spoiler:

Page One
----
Panel One: Big establishing shot. We see what looks like someone fighting. Lots of action-y lines! Good good! Almost missed the second character in the foreground. ALMOST.

Panel Two: Dude is prepping for some epic moves!

Panel Three: Yup. Epic giant hands!

Panel Four: Someone just went uh-oh. Good three panels- all relatively quick actions that don't need space.

Panel Five: Not entirely sure what's going on in this insert. I think that's a face?

Panel Six: Smack! Looks like the big hands grabbed something- character in foreground making the same motion makes it very clearly that he's controlling the big hands (as well as in panel 3). Good big panel for emphasis on the action. Though, the left side feels a little bare. The insert panel could be moved a bit to help balance it out- or fill it with background.

Page One notes: Overall, great pacing.
--

Page Two
--
Panel One: "Hah! I win!"

Panel Two: Wait- those big giant hands aren't super stable now are they?

Panel Three: Birdy breaks free from the hands. Beautiful centered panel with plenty of breathing room to emphasize a sense of release. Also gotta love the wings overlapping the above panels- helps give her a sense of being in control.

Panel Four: SWOOP.

Panel Five: Big shot of her heading towards water dude. I almost want her in panel four to be a little further screen left to help with the left to right motion as she appears even further left in the next panel. Mess around with that some if you can.

Page Two: Very simple and solid panels. Definitely helping convey the story!
--

Page Three
--
Panel One: ACTION POSE- changing momentum of dive.

Panel Two: Now greeting you foot first.

Panel Three: Good use of triangular panels. The shape helps give a sense of motion as the foot plants itself into the dude's face.

Panel Four: A diminishing action- dude flops down.

Panel Five: Bird's eye view. Dude is defeated.

Panel Six: FU.
--

Overall Notes: Again, wonderfully simple and effective use of layout. Great job!

@Shruikan

Spoiler:

Panel One: Establishing shot of our dragon friend walking through.... uh. Where is she? It's hard to tell! Zoom out and show more of the market/street she's in. Make it blatantly obvious where she is. In an establishing shot the setting is more important than the character. It sets the scene so we know the situation our characters are in.

Panel Two: She sees something in a shop window?

Panel Three: She is shocked/horrified. I would zoom in on her face. Make it the biggest focus of the shot. She doesn't need all that space around her. LET US SEE HER HORROR.

Panel Four: Two hours later... Time jump! Good use of black bar to signify a change/jump in time. (Can also be used to show a change in setting)

Panel Five: Two people are walking through the... woods? Maybe make this a bit bigger since a change of setting often requires a bit more establishing.

Panel Six: More dialogue. Face looks inquisitive/wondering. Panel could be a touch smaller.

Panel Seven: Our deer dragon is planting stuff. The dude is shocked. Deer is angry. Perspective is a bit off on this it feels- I think it's partially due to the house looking shape behind the boy. Also try to avoid having your speech bubbles over areas of interest like the stolen plants. You have space around those for bubbles- move them there or move the planets.

Overall, great job! =D

@K'sariya

Spoiler:

Panel One: Establishing shot of the ocean...

Panel Two: Leading Down...

Panel Three: And down. We finally see our character. The amount of space given around him establishes a very crucial fact: He's isolated and alone.

Panel Four: We move in closer to our character. I feel we can have him fill up more of the frame at this point to show his current emotion. We've already established in the previous panel his isolation- I don't think it needs to be reiterated here.

Panel Five: He is looking at an object on his claw.

Panel Six: It's the core of a Staryu. Two nicely done shots. Small but important moments.

Panel Seven: Something is getting his attention- a cry for help.

Overall: Simple but nicely done!

@Noblejanobii

Spoiler:

Panel One: Eevee is walking towards a city

Panel Two: He isn't exactly welcome

Panel Three: A crowd is forming

Panel Four: He's walking?

Panel Five: Something gets his attention

Panel Six: He finds a caged Golduck? Are they caged? It's hard to tell what the bars are meant to be

Panel Seven: Oh- are those... bricks? Be sure they don't intersect the character shapes if they're meant to be behind. Golduck is talking with eevee.

Panel Eight: Walking through town.

Panel Nine: Golduck lifts something off the ground? Eevee is unimpressed.

Panel Ten: And it grew into a giant tree.

For starters- be sure to put space between/around panels. HAving nothing but lines separating panels can make it hard to identify different panels- especially when there are straight lines in the art. Additionally, your paneling is almost entirely flat. Most panels have roughly the same size. There is no rhythm to the panels. Be sure to mix it up a bit more- and be sure that actions and emotions are clear.

@Bulbasaur

Spoiler:

Fully aware this isn't done...

Panel One: Establishing shot of the characters walking to a forest. A typical rule of establishing shots is to give them a lot of room as they set the scene. Consider making a full-width panel for this.

Panel Two: Walking down a path

Panel Three: And more walking to a tree!

Panel Four: It's a big tree! But we have no idea who's talking. With three characters there needs to be some indicator of whose dialogue bubble that is. This can be done by having a worms eye view up at the tree from Charizard's perspective.

--

Some ideas based on the script/current layouts.

Panel One: Make sure it's a proper establishing shot. Make it big- take up a good chunk of the top of the page.

Panel Two: Make this below establishing shot- wide and short much like the current panel three.

Panel Three: This is where they discover the tree- consider a huge panel where the three are looking up at the tree. It'll have a bigger impact.

Panel Four: Zoom in on the tree where the berries are missing. Make it a medium size shot.

Panel Five: Either an insert within panel four or right after where Charizard is looking up and asking the question. This ties in that the previous shot is Charizard's Point of View.

Panel Six?? Who knows?! =D

Good job though!

Scores to be calculated in the next post. GREAT JOB EVERYONE- REALLY!

[Nekomata]

Week Two
Scores!

--
Arnisd
--
Time: 60
Readability: 70
Layout: 60
Emotion: 80

Total: 270

--
Neo Emolga
--
Time: 80
Readability: 90
Layout: 90
Emotion: 80

Total: 340

--
VeloJello
--
Time: 100
Readability: 90
Layout: 100
Emotion: 90

Total: 380

--
Shruikan
--
Time: 80
Readability: 80
Layout: 80
Emotion: 90

Total: 330

--
K'Sariya
--
Time: 100
Readability: 90
Layout: 90
Emotion: 90

Total: 370

--
NobleJanobii
--
Time: 50
Readability: 60
Layout: 30
Emotion: 50

Total: 190

--
Bulbasaur
--
Time: 70
Readability: 70
Layout: 70
Emotion: 50
Incomplete Penalty: -40

Total: 220



Point Distribution

Total: 2100

Arnisd: 270/2100 = 13 Points
Neo Emolga: 340/2100 = 16 Points
VeloJello: 380/2100 = 19 Points
Shruikan: 330/2100 = 15 Points
K'Sariya: 370/2100 = 18 Points
NobleJanobii: 190/2100 = 9 Points
Bulbasaur: 220/2100 = 10 Points

Values were rounded up/down as needed to ensure beautiful whole numbers were present.

Points by Team

Avalon Apostles: 77 Points
The Sabotage Squadron: 13
Agents of Shadow: 10 Points

---

Just a reminder that Challenge #3 is up on the first page!
@K'sariya @Noblejanobii @Neo Emolga @VeloJello @arnisd @evanfardreamer @Coru @Shruikan

[Nekomata]

Just a friendly reminder that you all have a few days left. Feel free to contact me for feedback/etc. between now and submission. ^_^

[Neo Emolga]

Whew, glad I managed to pull this off. Last year I didn't make it! XD

A Story For Miles

Script and Layout

Spoiler:

Panel Layout: Panel One takes up the whole first row of the page and about 25% of the page in general.

Panels Two and Three occupy the next 25% of the page and Panel Three is just a tiny bit bigger than Two (mainly because there's more speech involved).

Panel Four takes a little less than half of the "third row" And Panel Five is mainly a quick, small box to insinuate that Miles heading out of his house is just a quick transition.

Panel Six takes up the remainder of the page, and isn't so much a panel but more as the background of the entire page itself (where it looks like all the other panels on lying on top of it).

Panel One

The morning sun is shining upon a Furret named Miles that is using several old and battered towels as his bed. The light is landing on his face and he is slowly waking. The rest of the concrete room is dirty and worn down and a nearby metal chair has fallen apart.

Panel Two

Miles yawns as he tosses the old towels aside, looking refreshed to begin a new day as the morning light now shines upon him. His fur is a little frizzled.

MILES: Oh wow, morning already!

Panel Three

Miles is seen brushing and grooming himself off while his bedding and towels lay scattered around him. He's smiling and has a very optimistic outlook on today. The reader can easily tell this is a very happy-go-lucky Pokémon who takes pride in his work.

MILES: Well, better get going! I'm sure there will be plenty of new rescue jobs today! Sure don't want to miss out on those!

Panel Four

The view falls upon an old table with Miles's belongings. His trusty black pouch is there, along with a worn metallic canteen, a red scarf, an Escape Orb, and a somewhat aged Oran Berry. Miles is out of view, but his shadow falls upon the old table as his looks over his supplies and belongings.

MILES: Ha, good thing I packed most of my stuff last night! So much of the rest of the crew depends on me to be prepared!

Panel Five

Miles is seen now wearing his trusty pouch, canteen, and his red scarf is being worn as a bandana. His other paw is being used to push the old metal door with broken windows open and more morning sunlight is pouring into the old room that is Miles's home. Miles is cheerful and ready to head out into the world to embrace a new day of rescue adventures and helping other Pokémon.

Panel Six

Miles is seen exiting his tiny house. However, the reader immediately sees in this last panel that Miles's house is in fact what used to be a mechanic's garage. As he steps out, the morning light is seen being cast upon a massive city in ruins. Shells of buildings and empty streets with burnt-out and overturned cars are all around him. A traffic light lies twisted on the ground and the streets are cracked, cratered, and broken apart. A nearby billboard is also half-burnt while the other half is an advertisement for S.S. Anne luxury cruises. In the background, rows upon rows of buildings lie collapsed, blown out, and in ruins for as far as the eye can see into the distance.

MILES: Definitely a fine day for adventure!

VISUAL LAYOUT


The intention here is the trick and mislead the reader into first thinking this is probably just another typical run-of-the-mill Pokémon Mystery Dungeon comic starring just another typical cheery character. Panels One through Five are meant to keep the big twist hidden and to keep playing on this illusion by not revealing too much about the big reveal in Panel Six. Limited artwork details of the background are provided in these first five panels and it can be easily assumed Miles the Furret is probably just an average Pokémon in whatever PMD world he's in where there's very limited technology, very akin to the PMD games and other typical PMD formats.

Panel Six is there to completely blow the mind of the reader that this comic totally does NOT take place in an easily-assumed PMD world setting, but instead in a ravaged, post-apocalyptic Vermillion City, Kanto where suddenly everything the humans created from buildings, cars, and other pieces of civilization are in ruins. Suddenly the reader's opinion of Miles changes drastically and they really begin to question how could any Pokémon be totally cozy with human civilization being completely ravaged?

This is the kind of introductory page that would cause the reader to conjure up all sorts of questions. How did this happen, what are the Pokémon of Kanto doing now, and why is Miles so carefree about what happened? Is Miles just heartless or did the humans do something that merited this kind of lack of empathy to the point where Miles feels no concern or remorse for what likely ended countless human lives? It's the kind of hook that would nab the reader's attention and get them to keep reading to answer all these questions.

Completed Page:

Spoiler: