[WAR] Humor

[The-Hydra]

Sent in my fail. You better keep the Private in PM in mind my friend o3o

[Dragon Master Mike]

Something something I sent you a PM.

@XaiakuX, I never got your entry. I don't know if i can add it in either if you resend it. The deadline is technically over. I'm sorry for not letting you know this sooner.

[Dragon Master Mike]

I pray that everyone realized I planned to post these publicly....



Week I Scores

Soulmaster: 118
68/100, 50/50
Entry:

Spoiler:

I've put together several desktop computers, but when I went and tried to wire it, I failed. I had plugged everything in, in what I was 90% sure were the correst spots, powered it up, and it worked for 2 seconds, and failed. After this happened a few times, I tried to jumpstart the power supply, but I forgot to unplug everything. So I ended up frying the motherboard, and who knows what else. There was a very nice puff of smoke, and a lovely burnt plastic smell.

Comments: That story was pretty funny. Don't be so critical of your entry next time, you did good

Fawkes: 75
40/100, 35/50
Entry:

Spoiler:

once when I was washing a spoon I flipped it onto it's convex side doh

Comments: Well. It's interesting. I'm not sure if I can really call that an "Epic" Fail" though.

Prince Vultan: 105
65/100, 40/50
Entry:

Spoiler:

I'ma just leave this here.

http://postimg.org/image/quu0w94d7/

I'm... Not sure I get it. Sorry if I'm just being stupid right now, but what exactly happened?

As I said on AIM, i'm altering my entry to just be this entire conversation. Because it was that much of a fail.

Comments: Well. Your final entry was the entire conversation of you trying to get me to understand your first entry because your first entry was a failure of humor so bad that I couldn't even understand it. That would probably be the most interesting entry anyone has entered, and it was pretty amusing. As an extra note, I thought I should mention for anyone reading this that part of this conversation took place over AIM.

Tenacity: 119
69/100, 50/50
Entry:

Spoiler:

SWING.

I’ve never been known to be much of a swinger. But that day, I was one.

Afterward, I never swung again.

It was September 8th 2009, notable for being International Literacy Day, but more importantly my own birthday. I was 14, to be exact. We all know what it’s like to be 14 (well, other than those born before 2000) – we just want to be wild and free, dang it. So there I thought, what is the most wild and liberating thing I can do for my 14th birthday?

Go to the local park, of course!

Imaginative, I know. Anyway, straight after school a group of buddies and I headed straight for the park on our bicycles. There’s nothing particularly special about this park – it was your standard fare; swings, rocking horses, some weird bicycle thing that you can pedal in circles and a jungle gym in the shape of a freakin’ tractor. Okay, I guess the tractor was pretty cool. One kid got stuck in the wheels one time and the fire department had to cut him out. But that’s a story for another time.

We approached the swing set. Friend 1 and I, who we shall call Jeremy at this point, got to the two available seats first and began swinging. Sorry friends 2, 3, 4 and 5, you’re just going to have to wait your turn.

But their turn never came. Or, at least, I never saw it come.

Jeremy and I were happily swinging along on the swing set until friend 2, who we shall call Derrick, offered to push me on the swing. “It’s your birthday – you get the special birthday swing push!”

There was nothing overly dramatic about the special birthday swing push – just a guy standing behind you pushing you on the swings instead of using your own momentum to swing. Yet the special birthday swing push changed my perspective on swings forever.

At first, nothing happened. The swing swung as it would if it had been just I controlling it. But then, that familiar lurch in my stomach. The one that says: ‘Tenacity, quick, you’re not in control! Do something!’ Derrick was pushing the swing harder than was necessary, and I could feel my butt-cheeks slipping from the swing’s warm embrace. I had to act, fast.

“Derrick, stop, you’re pushing too high!” I said. But it was too late. I had an ultimatum – act now or fall to an improbable death.

I leaned backwards, trying to counterbalance the swing to stop myself from falling.

I leaned too far.

I leaned so far that half of my body was now hanging beneath the swing, only my waist down still firmly on the seat. By this point, Derrick had finally let go. Unfortunately, the swing still continued to move. With my back parallel to the floor, the swing swung forward once more. My back collided with the tarmac floor, ripping flesh from spine as it went. My body was dragged off of the swing, which continued forward. I rolled over to alleviate the pain from my sore back. The swing swung back. And then I raised my head.

Big mistake.

The swing swung forward again, colliding with the back of my skull. Crack.

Epic fail.

More pain. My friends were laughing. I stood up, communicating to them that I wanted to go home to nurse my injuries. They let me go on my own, staying at the park, probably to worship the tainted swing. I cycled home as fast as I could, the wind feeling as though it was tattooing my spine with agony.

When I got home, my mother prepared a bag of frozen peas to rest my back on. She placed them down on the sofa. I pressed my back into the chilly vegetables; a cooling sensation waved across my entire body.

Rest in peas, I thought.

The injury actually left scars on my back that lasted six months – one circular scar for each tip on my spine. That certainly made getting changed for Physical Education at school…interesting, to say the least.

I hope you all enjoyed my epic fail.

Comments: This was one of the most elaborate entries out of everyone. I was reading it and wasn't sure how to react. I like the fact that I can tell you took some time to write it though.

Corey: 135
85/100, 50/50
Entry:

Spoiler:

http://www.pokemoncrossroads.com/for...ll=1#post14999

Comments: I REMEMBER THIS. I had forgotten about it, but when I saw it again I laughed pretty hard. I think your score speaks for itself. It might be a little confusing to those who do not play ASB, so basically what happened was he said "Magic Coat" Instead of "Mirror Coat", and Magic Coat isn't a move, therefore the move failed.

Velocity: 120
80/100, 40/50
Entry:

Spoiler:

You know the saying “an elephant never forgets”? Well, my memory's usually not the best, but when it comes to personal failings, I definitely identify with everyone's favorite pachyderm. I could do more than just tell you about my greatest screwups; I could all but regale you with epic legends of my own idiocy. I’m not going to do that to you, though - my fingers would fly off if I tried typing everything out in one go, I would probably die of embarrassment, and anyone who tried to read this hypothetical vast, moronic tome would be bored absolutely to tears. So instead of writing my own novel of numbskullery, I’m going to focus on the thirty seconds that utterly destroyed my social footing in English Eleven.

It was in my junior year of high school. The first semester had finally been put to death, leaving us weary students on the home stretch of the second and final semester. However, a shift in my schedule threw me into a new English class. It wasn’t all bad - I had heard that the teacher was alright and I knew my good friend Dominic was in the class, so I wasn’t too nervous. But there was one thing I had no idea I needed to fear - the class icebreaker.

We’ve all had them - those pointless little sessions where you state your name and some trivial fact about yourself that everyone’s going to forget within the hour. Well, rest assured, my 'little fact' was unforgettable. You see, rather than having us drawl about our hobbies, summer activities, et cetera, the teacher asked us to share a moment of embarrassing silliness from our respective pasts. This was totally fine with me - as I may have mentioned earlier I have an impressive collection of gaffes. So I passed the time bulking up my story, thinking of how I could augment my anecdote with a little bit of fine humor. I decided to introduce myself as Bill - after all, Bill is a silly name, and there’s nothing funnier than falsifying your identity, right?

Now, before we proceed, I have to ask a few questions:

1. Have you ever made a joke when you really shouldn’t have bothered?
2. Have you ever laughed at your own joke despite the fact that it really wasn’t funny at all?
3. Have you ever (while laughing at your own joke or otherwise) gotten fitful, uncontrollable giggles at the absolute worst possible time?

If you answered yes to any of the above, you can probably identify with my subsequent trauma. Yes, I introduced myself to the class as Bill. It was intended to be a little bit of humor, just for the fun of it. “Hello,” I said, “my name is Bill.”

As for what happened to my brain afterward, I have neither excuse nor explanation. The next few words should have been easy. “Just kidding” would have made it alright - an innocuous bit of pointless silliness. But neither those words nor any others deigned to pass my lips; I giggled a bit at my own joke, and this evil, evil giggle left my mind completely and utterly blank. This giggle got hold of every fiber of my being and refused to let go. I do not exaggerate here - never before or since that very moment has laughter caused me to tear up. It was only after I was red in the face, with at least half the class undoubtedly convinced I was a complete loon, that my new teacher excused me to the bathroom.

Needless to say, I didn’t get to finish my introduction to my new peers. However, my dear friend Dominic did me the kindness of finishing it for me. As I resumed my new seat, the tearstains of vicious laughter wiped from my crimson face, he locked eyes with me and whispered, his voice as quiet and as serious as the grave, “Hello. My name is Bill, and my most embarrassing moment is right now.”

Comments: This is actually really funny! Like with Tenacity's entry, its significantly longer than the others, and well written. Really the ending though (what your friend said), despite not exactly being part of the fail, is what was most funny.

Comatose: 122
72/100, 50/50
Entry: (PG Warning)

Spoiler:

The events described are all real. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

So this story involves myself, and three other people. We shall call them Anna, Becky and Chris. I went to high school with all of them, but we all graduated and went our seperate ways. We are all mutual friends. Anna is my best friend. She is the daughter of a church pastor (guy who runs church) and is heavily religious. One of the most innocent people I know, and rarely ever responds to texts within that day. Becky is a mutual friend of Anna and I from school, and she doesn't have any details that are worth sharing for the story. Chris is also a mutual friend of Anna, Becky and I. He is an Egyptian fellow who currently goes to school with Anna.

A few months back when I was at TAFE (My school), one of our classes ended early, and the teacher got up on the projector 'Album Cover Fails'. Pretty self explanatory. Bands who did horrible album covers. There were a lot. One of them featured a guy who looked very much like Chris on the back of a Vespa with two other guys, pretty much bear hugging the one in front of him. The album was called 'At Play with the Play Mates' (The Play Mates is the band). Instantly I got a copy of it, and sent it to Anna, Becky and Chris. I get a response from Becky and Chris instantly who have a laugh but not Anna, though I am far from surprised. I chatted to Becky for a bit and I said to Becky "I also sent it to Anna. Though knowing her, I won't get a response for days.".

At least I thought I said that. Turns out Autocorrect on my phone had other ideas. Instead, it said:

"I also sent it to Anna. Though knowing her, I won't get a root for days."

To an American, it wouldn't be an issue, as you guys use the term root to describe cheering.

"We will be rooting for you tonight Johnny!"

However, to Australians like myself, and everyone else involved, rooting refers to doing the no-pants-dance.

So I basically said to Gossip-Girl Becky, that Anna, the heavily religious and innocent pastors daughter who has been with the same guy for the previous 3-4 years, wasn't going to do the no-pants-dance with me for days.

Anyway, I managed to correct myself quickly, and Becky and I laughed about it. I even told Anna a little while later, when references were made to the no-pants-dance (We are both Leaders at our Church's Youth Group. Since we are first year, we get the youngest kids, and one of them said her and I should have eight kids. Anna almost slapped me when I said "I wouldn't mind the process of that too much..." (We were both joking))...

Comments: Lol! I can't say that I have ever heard of that word being used like that before. Highly amusing. And the fact of who you were talking about in that text makes it even funnier!

Brettles: 128
78/100, 50/50
Entry:

Spoiler:

Epic fail by the VCE coordinator.
Many years ago when I was a brand new teacher I witnessed a wonderful fail by our school's VCE coordinator. (VCE is senior school education here in Victoria, Australia. The VCE coordinator is responsible for senior student well being and discipline.)

Our school is located on top of a hill, and our senior students came up with the brilliant idea of freezing giant ice blocks in old ice cream containers to ride down the hill.

On the day of their planned ice ride they procured a video camera to film the action and took the giant ice cubes to the hill ready to slide Down.

This is where the VCE coordinator comes in. He saw what the students were about to do and came out yelling at them to stop being so irresponsible. The students did respond the way he wanted, but instead tried to convince to let the ride the ice down the hill.

The VCE coordinator got angry at their 'lack of respect' and decided to show his dominance. He picked up one of the blocks ice, raised it above his head and threw it to the ground to shatter it and intimidate the students into not pushing him any further. Unfortunately he decided to contain the mess by hurling the block of ice into garden bed. Hitting the soft soil, the block ice stayed in one piece.

Rather than being intimidated the students laughed and gave him suggestions for weight training.

The VCE coordinator was not amused, and was even less happy that the whole incident was caught on tape and circulated throughout the year.

Comments: That is actually really hilarious. And it was all caught on camera. That's great.

Voltaire Magneton: 70
35/100, 35/50
Entry:

Spoiler:

So my classmates and I were watching a horror movie after doing some group activity. We decided over a horror movie. Basically, I'm actually oversensitive to horror movies. So when a jump scare appeared, I basically shrieked and screamed like a girl. Everyone laughed. The laughs still continued the next Monday.

Comments: I'm sorry, I didn't find it particularly funny. I'm sure it would have been funny to have been there at the time, but I just don't feel much when I read the story.

Shadow Tracker Max: 127
82/100, 45/50
Entry:

Spoiler:

To start this story you should know that I am a 5'6" Mexican guy. You also need to understand that I have an irrational fear of heights. Back in the summer of 07 I was 24. Somehow I ended up meeting a girl on myspace! Her name was Becka and she was a pain in the a**. Becka was 18 and stood around 5'10". Im not sure how tall you are but never ever date someone taller ! For our first date we decided to go the labor day "Italian Fest". To start off the awful night she put her arm around my shoulder as we walked through the festival. She did that because she liked everyone seeing I was the shorter of the two. Part of being afraid of heights means that carnivals and theme parks are a nightmare! After being asked a couple of times I decided that I would try going on a ride just for her. I mean on a first date you shouldnt come off like a sissy. So I picked the least intimidating ride the ferris wheel....This ferris wheel wasnt very big so I thought how bad could this be. So the two of us got on what could have been a romantic ride and held hands as it started up. However as it slowly moved up I started to feel the sickness in my gut. As we reached the top the machine stopped and I started taking a deep breaths. When it stopped Becka realized I was terrified and she began to laugh. Then to make things worse because she was just a jerk she started to rock the cart we were in back and forth. This terrified me and a slide out of the seat onto the metal floor and wrapped my arms and legs are the center post.....On a first date i found msyself wrapped around a steel poll with my eyes closed and I stayed locked around that thing until we got off. Needless to say that was the last time we saw each other.

Comments: I got a good laugh out of reading that. I'm afraid of heights too.

Neo Emolga: 118
70/100, 48/50
Entry:

Spoiler:

Now this is a story 'bout one night
that'll sit ya right down an' shed some light
'bout that one time my brain went all clunk
it's a little legend I call the Pizza Flunk

Now back in the days of our old past
Pete's tasty pizza made us jump up fast
But time passed on an' Pete's got bland
Time to scope some new joint out in the land!

So out with Pete's to get hooked on The Hut
Shovin' aside the same old rut!
It all seemed cool to eat such junk
But that's jus' the beginnin' of this 'ere Pizza Flunk

Months went by an' the Hut was okay
Got handed hot pizza an' they got the pay
So one night is when I took the fall
Orderin' up two larges an' I made the call

Dialin' in the number I got from the fridge now
One cheese an' sausage to go, that's how
Jumped in the car an' drove down to the Hut
Cruised through the door, straight to the cut

Grabbed my stuff but it seemed a bit odd
Me flashin' a smile an' givin' the nod
But I came on home an' cracked open the pie
The order was wrong, but didn't ask why

One cheese an' one mushroom seemed a bit off
Didn't occur to me my head had gone soft
Because when we were done Pete's came on the line
Wonderin' why the fudge I was takin' my time

Laughed an' told 'em I just got the dough
Dumb little me sure didn't know
That I gave Pete's the order but picked up the Hut
Eatin' some other homie's Hut order, that's what!

So remember kids to check when ya ring
Because ya don't want this tale under your wing
Take these words of wisdom from this old lunk
Beware of the fail known as the Pizza Flunk.

Comments: Gotta love when stuff like that happens. Bonus points for making a poem out of it.

The Hydra: 140
90/100, 50/50
Entry:

Spoiler:

The Hydra has requested that his entry be kept private.

Comments: Brilliant. Your entry is an example of perfect failiure. And those little details you added in. "Waddled away like a scared walrus." Sometimes the way the story is told is just as funny as what actually happened. As requested, I have kept your entry private.

Final Results

And for our first place winner we have...

The Hydra!
With 140/150 points!


And for our next runner up...

Corey!
With 135/150 points!

I hope that everyone enjoyed Week I's theme. Check the main post later tonight for Week II's theme.

Spoiler:

@The-Hydra @Corey @Comatose @Brettles @Voltaire Magneton @Shadow Tracker Max @Neo Emolga @Velocity @Corey @Tenacity @Prince Vultan @Fawkes @Soulmaster

[Dragon Master Mike]

ATTENTION.

I would like to request that all future entries be posted publicly. Entries that have been sent already this week by PM will not have to be resent, but in the future, entries by PM will not be accepted.

[Suicune's Fire]

Those were all brilliant. xD I wanted to enter but I couldn't think of anything. It's hard for me to get embarrassed generally so most embarrassing happenings roll off my back. xD

AND OH MY GOSH. BAD JOKES ARE DAD JOKES. I LOVE DAD JOKES. I'll certainly enter this time. c:


~SF.

[Voltaire Magneton]

This one's so original.


Username: Voltaire Magneton
Team: Trainer
Joke:

Spoiler:

Knock knock!

Spoiler:

Who's there?

Spoiler:

Cake!

Spoiler:

Cake who?

Spoiler:

*sings* You shoot me down, but I won't fall; I am titanium

Spoiler:

Where's the cake?

Spoiler:

Spoiler applied for suspense.

[3m0d0ll]

Bad jokes? These are my specialty so this shouldn't be too hard. :D

Spoiler:

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.


What did the buffalo say to his son leaving for college?
Bison.


Hey have you seen Ray Charles' new album?
No? Neither has he.

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator.


Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ellen Book?
Ellen Book? Who're you?
Just come outside.
*opens door to go outside and sees 300 clones of Ellen Page*

Punchlines have been white-texted. Hope you enjoyed!

[Brettles]

Username: Brettles
Team: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
Jokes:
First joke (Not for submission, because it's not my own, but still my favorite bad joke!)
Q: What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A: About half way!

Now for my original joke that I tried out on my parents. (Needs to be done on your own parents).
Me: What do you get if you cross an idiot with a moron?
Parent (thinking they are funny): You.
Me: Yep, and my brothers!

[Suicune's Fire]

What did the buffalo say to his son leaving for college?
Bison.


What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator.

BAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAH I LAUGHED OUT LOUD AT THESE OH MY. 10/10 WOULD READ AGAIN.


Okay. So Dad jokes. I dunno if it's an Australian thing or what, but even Australian people have been like "what's a dad joke?" (mind you, I practically screamed at them in disbelief and then fainted) so here's a definition:

dad jokes
Web definitions

    (dad joke) A lame, embarassing or unfunny joke told by someone's father

Doesn't have to be told by a father but basically it's a super lame joke. So here's my entry:

Username: Suicune's Fire
Team: Team Aqua
Jokes:
(I didn't make up this one but ermahlerd. When I first heard it, I could not stop laughing. For days. Every time I thought about it, I would burst into laughter.)

Spoiler:

A proud new dad sits down to have a drink with his father.

"Well, son, now that you've got a kid of your own, I think it's time to give you this..."

"Dad, you don't mean--"

"Yes, son, I do." The father pulls out a copy of 1001 Dad Jokes, 5th Edition.

"Dad...I'm honoured..." the new dad says, tears sparkling in his eyes.

"Hi, Honoured," replies his father, "I'm Dad."


XD Now for some jokes I made up myself:

What do you call a houndour who just ate a lemon?
A Houndsour!

Why did the gardevoir stop using her hair straightener?
Because she wanted her hair to be kirlia!

This was a conversation/joke:

Brother, about a cupcake his partner made: "...What's in these?"
Me: "Walnuts."
Partner: "Peanuts."
Me: "Really? ...Why did I think it was walnuts? Maybe I don't like the floor enough..."
Brother: "...

...

..."
Me: "...Wall-nuts?"
Brother: "...

*facepalm*"



If I had to choose one, it would be the gardevoir one. xD

[Tenacity]

Why did the gardevoir stop using her hair straightener?
Because she wanted her hair to be kirlia!

This is brilliant. xD

This theme reminds me of the bad joke eel meme. I'm going to make one!