King of the Hill!

[The Nonexistent Tazz]

I, The Nonexistent Tazz, 9th Chief operator of the Hamrocker Rebellion against the Government of Cheesius, spy Agent 00E Neo Emolga construct a government base. As the Chief operator, it is my duty to stop him cold.

I proceed to perform a sacred ritual upon the ground next to the hill in secrecy, positioned JUST out of sight of Government Base 0314. My ritual includes rubber chickens, nail clippers, $3.60 in nickles and pennies (and only those, in equal amounts), A mahjong set, Doritos Mountain Dew, a map to South America, A 3m^3 volume cube of hand-crafted dirt, a jar of urine, and of course, the centerpiece: An inch-tall statue dedicated to the Magnificent One, Sips_.

Undisturbed and undetected, the ritual is a complete success, and Sips_ himself is summoned to the material plane, complete with his Sips_ly Magnum. His summoning complete, he asks of me what my purpose was. I point to Government Base 0314. He proceeds to fire the Sips_ly Magnum without a word, up, up into the sky and definitely not at where Government Base 0314 was. In fact, it hits absolutely nothing at all.

However, that is not to say there is no effect. From high above, a Government Satellite is disturbed by the passing of the bullet in JUST the right manner, pulling it out of orbit and causing it to start falling to earth. So far from civilization, all anti-air defenses are unable to shoot it down relatively safely or such-and its flight path is taking it directly to Government Base 0314. Naturally, everyone evacuates-including Government Agent 00E Neo Emolga. Curses! The Base itself, however, does not survive the collision.

His work done, the Magnificent One departs from the material plane. I head to the hill, retrieving all the juicy Government stuff I just blew up before claiming it for the Rebellion.

MY HILL!!!

[Neo Emolga]

The US government immediately declares to you and Sips_ to be insurgents and international fugitives for blowing up CIA government property and stealing it for the Rebellion. We initiate Operation Purple Noodle and target both of you to be neutralized.

CIA Ninja Task Force arrives on the blacksite hill location at exactly 4:15PM in adherence to Operation Purple Noodle. They deploy Experimental Weapon Gas X104 to see what kind of effect the effect has on humans. It turns you into a ferret. I and the rest of CIA Ninja Task Force put on our gas masks, neutralize you as a ferret by means wet towel rat tail, and stuff your ferret self into a Lunchables box and transport it to Imagination Land via Rift Portal before closing said portal.

After the debris of Government Base 0314 is cleared, we immediately construct Government Base 0315 and set up perimeter defenses. We then reestablish communications uplink and satellite overview. Government goons are deployed on patrol and Spynet comes online.

MY HILL!

[Steven_Six]

Then a typo becomes your undoing- turns out some buffoon called Spynet, Skynet, which leads to lots of robots. HASTA LA VISTA becomes the motto of base 0315, and one intelligent man, who WAS the goon who named Spynet Skynet rules over the terminators. Because their presence is unsettling, he orders them to march off towards the sunset... And then, he screams his victorious name to the sky...

"STEVEN_SIX!!!!!!!!!!!"

Thus, the movie comes to a close, and many people wander away, confused by the point of all of it. Oh well.

It's still my hill.

[Neo Emolga]

"CUT!"

I, Neo Emolga, the director of this movie, am horribly disappointed in it. I had high hopes for supporting actor Steven_Six, only to have this goon ignore what was in the script and do this. I was willing to look past the boom mike coming into view when Tazz was blowing up the satellite because I knew that could be edited out, but this is beyond my limits.

"Have you been snorting wasabi again, Steven?" I ask you, wondering if that's what messed up your head. "We rehearsed this fifty times, how many more takes do we need to do for this thing?"

I don't even bother waiting for an answer. Instead, I have stage management drag you off stage and dump you off in Studio #7, where you can go to tryouts for Oompa Loompas VS Godzilla. I don't even bother warning you that they green screen everything over there.

As I work on recasting the roles for King of the Hill, I figure I might as well enjoy the set and relax on the hill for now.

MY HILL!!!

[The Nonexistent Tazz]

I'm the Hamrocker Rebellion against the Government of Cheesius, not the US! The actual Americas are so far away it might as well not even matter. For that matter, the Hill wasn't even IN the US. It's in Iceland! I am offended at your lack of fact-checking!

This logic blows up in your face in a spectacular logicsplosion, obliterating the whole movie set and everything nearby. Thoroughly thrashed, the movie is cancelled for the 99999999090199th time, because we are sick and tired of having everything explode in the process, and as you hadn't expected such a lethal logicsplosion to come up, no-one was prepared at all, allowing me to move in and take the hill.

MY HILL!!!

[Neo Emolga]

The set is destroyed. The equipment is destroyed. And in the process of falling under the wrath of logicsplosion, the script is destroyed. The entire cast has been sent to HosPITal after being destroyed. The pizza that was intended to be enjoyed for lunch was also destroyed. You monster. We even ordered extra cheese.

After recovering in HosPITal from the logicsplosion, I use Magical Stealth to sneak in and get a better view of the hill. You have taken it, but the hill is an absolute burnt mess. I decide to cast Italian Curse on you, turning you into a pizza to make up for the damages you have done. I then load you onto a rocketship and then blast you to Epsilon Quadrant 43-BN in the NGC 1300 Galaxy. I heard they like pizza there.

With you gone, I cast Squeaky Clean on the hill, reversing all the reckless damage you did to it and restoring it to its normal, pristine condition. I then construct Castle Neo Emolga MK III on the hill, even better than all the other castles in the galaxy. I then enjoy my Jacuzzi.

MY HILL!!!

[The Nonexistent Tazz]

I am very well liked over at Epsilon Quadrant 43-BN in the NGC 1300 Galaxy. The locals are, in fact, worshiping me as the second coming of their almighty king Lord Pizza, and they recall his glorious form as mine. Apparently that's a thing. Taking this into consideration, I use my magical powers and convince all of the inhabitants of Elipson Quadrant 43-BN in the NGC 1300 Galaxy-or, in short, the Pizzonians-to come with me and take the hill back. They thrust my gooey form into an absolutely gigantic, 29 Kilometer-Long, tall and wide mecha for the occasion and begin their war assault as one of the most advanced civilizations to grace existence.

Your castle is naturally great, but the technology of the Pizzonians allows everyone to phase directly into the Castle, through all the obstructions to get directly to you, laying in a Jaccuzi. You beat feet and scram before our mighty Gammawave Gigaguns turn you into molecular dust, and we claim the Hill, and Castle Neo Emolga Mk III, as our own, prior to destroying it and recycling it for infrastructure and resources because we know you far too well.

MY HILL!!!

[Neo Emolga]

I swear revenge on you and the Pizzonians for reducing yet another Castle Neo Emolga to rubble. However, your absolutely enormous mecha proves problematic, and so do the rest of the Pizzonians. I do, however, know of one might force that is renown for eliminating pizza with speed and finesse.

After purchasing several kegs of beer to entice my new allies, I put up a Facebook posting and a Twitter Tweet with "Free Pizza and Beer at hill!" and within seconds, every college student on the planet flocks to the hill and consumes everything in their path that's edible, including the beer, the Pizzonians, and you, Lord Pizza. You and the Pizzonians try to fight and hold them back, but there are far too many and they have the ravaging hunger of a mob of zombies. They devour you and your army and they describe the taste as "different, but good" and they leave the place as a total junkyard of empty pizza boxes and empty Solo cups, but hey, at least you and your Pizzonians are out of the way!

I cast a magic spell to clear the mess from the hill (Squeaky Clean) and decide to have your unsightly mecha melted down to create a stunning and stately Neo Emolga statue in its place! Instead of building yet another castle, I decide to create Chateau Neo Emolga instead! I build it around the giant Neo Emolga statue and it looks fantastic, a perfect accommodation to this hill!

MY HILL!!!

[The Nonexistent Tazz]

After an excruciating 8 hours in a college student's stomach, I die and come back as a spooky ghost, and tactically decide to haunt the 29-Kilometer statue you have made of yourself, which is still also an insanely massive mecha-just one now nearly incapable of movement. And by 'haunt' I mean 'possess.' Now, every time you walk past or near it, its eyes follow you creepily and you have no legitimate explanation for that cheesy horror film cliche aside from, of course, ghosts being involved. The fact the paintings you put everywhere are doing likewise is not helping-probably the Pizzonians you had slaughtered by way of Cannibalistic College Students.

This problem, fortunately for you, has a no-brainer solution. You immediately know who you're gonna call and try to phone in the Ghostbusters, only to realize that the hill has no Wi-Fi and the phone lines have been cut, probably by the mass of ghosts. You shrug. I mean. The other ghosts are annoying at best, and as for the haunted statue, It's a completely immobile (and ridiculously huge) statue made of the hardest, most technologically advanced alloys known to anything, and so magically resistant that realistically there's no way anything should be able to, say, animate it or such beyond maybe those eyes.

You realize your moment of genre blindness the second after you've thought of that, smack your face internally, and flee the hill with as much stuff as your Emolga arms can carry in your attempt to contact the Ghostbusters ASAP, fearing a retaliatory strike from your own statue. Of course, you HAD to say it basically couldn't happen-now it would, without fail or hesitation, and you'd suddenly regret having a statue big enough that throwing it from space would obliterate the earth, as the biggest Electro Balls known to Emolgakind are flung in your non-immune direction. Meanwhile, I just kind of remain as-is and claim the hill, confused why you left early. Just to make sure, I go to the HosPITal, respawn, come back, and shove the statue into my pocket, making calling the Ghostbusters a moot point as I have copious amount of weapons of all varieties to shove into them if the case required it.

MY HILL!!!

[Neo Emolga]

You fail to realize my ability can switch to Motor Drive at whim, and thanks to getting hit with those massive Electro Balls, my speed can now go to plaid. I, however, am surprised to discover the Pizzonians were actually people and not the sentient pizzas like I had originally thought they were. But then again, college students can be capable of weird things, including cannibalism. I begin to wonder if there was something funny going on in that beer...

Using my ludicrous speed (that can go to plaid when I want it to), I fly over Chateau Neo Emolga to discover you have stolen my statue and put it into the hammerspace of your pocket. I decide to enter into Saturday morning cartoon mode and whip a giant train locomotive from the hammerspace behind my back, and whack you repeatedly with it until you once again, are now Pancake Boy. I then take your disc-like body, spray-paint it silver from a spray can I also whip out of hammerspace, and refashion it with hammers and welding tools also whipped from hammerspace to turn you into a hubcap. I sell you to a kindly elderly lady who uses your hubcap body on her Bentley where you now go round and round, round and round, round and round, all through the town.

I then have Ghostbusters remove the ghosts from Chateau Neo Emolga, but I make a deal with the captured ghosts of the Pizzonians to reincarnate them into whatever they wish, trying to sell them on becoming Emolgas. However, most of them choose penguins.

With you and your Pizzonians gone, I return back to Chateau Neo Emolga and enjoy the luxury of my own personal movie theater.

MY HILL!!!