PXR Adventures! (We make fun of you!)

[Noblejanobii]

Xanthe's Xeriscape Exploit
Starring @Suicune's Fire
Featuring:

Spoiler:

MichaelXD, @Pokemon Trainer Sarah, @HKim, @Trainer17, @Chibi Altaria, @Chakramaster, @Kaoru, Noblejanobii, Kas, @ShadowBolt25, @Sacred Fire, @AWA1997, @Bulbasaur, @EmeraldSky, @Caite-chan, @Neo Emolga, @Saraibre Ryu, @Speed-X, @Dragon Master Mike, and @Rival Max.

Xanthe’s head felt like it was splitting open. She couldn't wrap her head around any thoughts and all she could see were swirling colors. She blinked her eyes a few times, trying to gather her bearings when suddenly a loud booming voice assaulted her ears.

"DAUGHTER OF THE GENIES! WELCOME TO THE GENIE REALM! IT IS YOUR DESTINY TO BECOME A GREAT HALF GENIE HERO! NOW-" The voice abruptly stopped, its echoing causing intense pain to throb through her head. There was a low murmuring and then the voice returned. "YOU ARE NOT A HALF GENIE! WHO ARE YOU?"

“Uhhh… I'm Xanthe?” she said in a distinct Australian accent. There was an indistinct muttering before the voice shouted,

“WELL I DON'T KNOW, MICHAELXD! MAYBE YOU SHOULD PICK THE RIGHT PERSON NEXT TIME!” Xanthe glanced around awkwardly as the disembodied voice cleared its throat. “VERY WELL THEN! SINCE MICHAELXD IS AN INCOMPETENT INTERN YOU ARE NOW OUR HERO! I WILL NOW GIFT YOU WITH YOUR FIRST TRANSFORMATION! USE IT WISELY! IF YOU PERFORM WELL THEN YOU WILL RECEIVE MORE!”

A floating gold light suddenly descended and enveloped Xanthe. She felt herself shrinking, her hair growing, and her whole body changing. The light slowly dissipated and Xanthe collapsed. She tried to push herself up but found she could no longer balance on two legs. Xanthe collapsed again then pushed herself up, feeling as if she were crawling. A mirror appeared in front of her and Xanthe stared at her reflection. Was that her?

Xanthe was in the form of a fox with golden fur except for a teal and purple tuff on her head and red ears. Her eyes were green and the fur around her neck matched the color of her head. Xanthe looked down at her paws to see they were a cream color and she had a tail. Xanthe watched as it swished back and forth gently.

“NOW GO!” Suddenly the world around Xanthe turned white and she plopped down into the middle of a hallway. She looked around before quickly noting that she was mostly back to normal. Mostly because her normal clothes had been replaced with desert attire. How odd. Xanthe stood up right as a man rounded the corner.

“Oh!” he shouted in surprise, staring at Xanthe in confusion before a demonic grin split across his face. “I must catch Sarah. It seems we have a last minute applicant.” Last minute applicant? The man disappeared again before Xanthe could ask him what she was an applicant for. She decided the best course of action was to follow him. Maybe he or this “Sarah” person could explain to her where she was. Xanthe walked down a long decorative hallway. Gold designs patterned the walls and doors while a red carpet covered the floor. The assistant led Xanthe to a door at the very end of the hall. He opened it and seemed amused Xanthe had followed, but did not say anything. He stepped into the office and called, “Yo Sarah! We have a last minute applicant! Normally I’d turn them away but I figured it’d be more amusing to annoy you by bringing them in anyway!”

Xanthe poked her head inside to spot what she assumed was the head of this whole operation as the man laughed evilly to the side. Seated at the table was a young woman with brown hair to her shoulders and some rocking aviator shades. Xanthe noted Sarah was dressed in a similar outfit to herself, think bra top with a jingly skirt. Sarah’s was just green versus Xanthe’s was red. She was also petting a Bidoof, who looked about as pleased as Sarah did about Xanthe’s arrival. She lowered her shades a little and scoped Xanthe out before saying,

“So you’re applying to be this town’s damn guardian genie? Never thought you’d have the guts to do it, Xanthe. Seem you’re not the hell bound bastard we all thought you were. Well, make this piss show quick because I have plushies to organize and a hooligan to do hooligan stuff with.” Xanthe paused, not sure how to respond to this. This was obviously Sarah from PXR, right? But like… a more “I’ve traveled through the depths of Tartarus so cross me and so help me I will cut you” version. So then, wait, was it possible? Xanthe looked over at the assistant. With his blue bow tie, he held a striking resemblance to the Harry she knew, albeit less Bulbasaur-like. In fact, it actually seemed somewhat out of place on his outfit, as other than the bowtie, Harry was shirtless. He was wearing some pants that looked like they had been stolen from MC Hammer too and a biker jacket. On top of his head rested a pair of Ray Bans. Not exactly a fashion do. This was a strange world she had dropped into.

“Well… I can kick and punch stuff,” Xanthe offered. Sarah’s expression became more annoyed at that. Wrong answer. Xanthe began to scramble for an answer when she recalled the event that had occurred just before she was dropped here. “Oh and I can transform into a Flareon!” This seemed to catch Harry and Sarah’s attention.

“Go on,” Sarah encouraged with a wave of her hand, “show us then. Don’t want you telling us any damn lies, now do we?” That presented somewhat of a problem. Xanthe was not quite sure how to recreate the transformation. As Xanthe pondered this predicament, a voice whispered across her consciousness. Before she could stop herself, Xanthe raised her hands into the air and crossed them. She wiggled her hips and then spun. Light consumed her and Xanthe shrunk into the golden fox she had been in the genie realm. So all she had to do was dance? That was simple enough. Xanthe stomped her paws triumphantly and looked at Sarah and Harry, who looked as if they couldn’t believe their eyes.

“Well I’ll be,” Harry muttered, “she can turn into a Flareon.” Sarah bent down to pick up her sunglasses, which had dropped onto the floor in the utter shock of the moment for Sarah. Xanthe closed her eyes and found returning to her normal form was much simpler, with a mere thought Xanthe could return to her human form. Xanthe crossed her arms as Sarah sighed.

“It seems the bastard has proven herself. Congratulations, you are now the Crossroads’ Guardian Genie.” Harry clapped excitedly until he received a glare from Sarah. Sarah lowered her glasses a little so she could make eye contact with Xanthe. “Just don’t screw it up. We don’t want a repeat of the last damn time you tried to save our little city. Remember what hell you caused with Elite City one through two-thousand?” Xanthe swallowed quietly. She actually couldn’t but she had an idea that in this world it was her fault. “Now get out of here, ya spineless bastard. Otherwise I might have to do to you what I did to Fate. And I’m not saying it wasn’t fun, but it was a bit of a mess to clean up all the blood from the walls. Wasn’t it, Harry?” Xanthe had never fled a building so fast in her life. She could still hear their maniacal laughter ringing in her ears.

She began her trek through the city. So this was the Crossroads? As in PXR? From the way Sarah and Harry spoke, it sounded like it, though this had to be some alternate universe or something. And had MichaelXD been mentioned? What was that fiend up to now? All questions to be answered at another time, Xanthe supposed. For now, she needed to locate some familiar faces. Where was her Super Secret Double Agent buddy when Xanthe needed her most? Well, if this was a town, then maybe everyone had houses here? But she couldn’t act suspicious.

Xanthe looked to her right and spotted a small shop with a rather bland sign that read “Fun & Games”. Sloane often spent a lot of her time there. Maybe she was inside? Xanthe decided to take a look and step inside. As she stepped inside, she noticed something off right away. It appeared to be some sort of bar. Behind the bar stood a man with the plainest expression on his face, a bearded smile frozen there. His unfocused eyes suddenly shot over to Xanthe and he paused in cleaning his cup.

“Welcome to Fun & Games! What can I get you today? An Alphabet Shot? Perhaps a CaH Tequila? Or would you prefer the usual?” The usual? Just like Sarah and Harry, it appeared everyone here had memories that she did not. But she recognized this guy, could it be? Was this Sacred Fire? But he was so… uniform! The Sacred Fire she knew was always changing, never satisfied with anything! Not to mention the whole bar was covered in posters of Garbodor. Weren’t his favorite pokemon Wigglytuff and Ho-oh?

“Sacred Fire? Is that you?” The expression remained unchanged on the user’s face as he nodded.

“Who else would I be? After all, I’ve never changed. Not once in my life!” Even his voice sounded a bit monotone. Okay this was officially creepy.

“I hate Tapatalk!” Xanthe looked around and spotted a drunken guy in the corner. It didn't take her long to recognize him.

“Sam!” Sam lifted his head at Xanthe’s voice and grinned.

“Hey Wifey, how are you?” Xanthe gave Sam a confused look. They had been broken up for over a year now, did he not remember that?

“Um, Sam, you’re paired with Kaoru remember?” Sam frowned and took another shot. He shook his head.

“Nah! You and I are paired! Kaoru’s my ex, that Probopass loving villain. She left me to be paired with the new kid in town because she was more “spontaneous” and “didn’t use Tapatalk”. Such high standards.” New kid in town? No, it couldn’t be!

“She’s paired with Sloane?” Sam nodded his head again.

“Yeah. They’re Especially Evil Pirate Crew Pals. Terrorize the town lawfully all the time. Everyone’s sick of them. Even the nicest users, like Shadowbolt, are growing tired of them. In fact, the results of this year’s MOTY just came out and they tied for “Absolute Worst Members”. They were really proud of it too.”

This was just really confusing and too much to absorb at once. Her Super Secret Double Agent Buddy was now Especially Evil Pirate Crew Pals with Kaoru? And they were lawfully evil? What did that even mean? Xanthe had to get to the bottom of this!

“Well, I have to go now, Sam. I’ll catch you later after you finish your Alphabet Pokemon Style shots. Okay?” Sam lifted his glass towards her and Xanthe took that as her signal to leave. Escaping from the Fun & Games bar, Xanthe began to look around the town even more. It was a strange sight. Besides the outfits which seemed like they’d belong in a Turkish bellydancing video game, all the users and staff she had come to know in her many years were completely different than she remembered. Xanthe glanced into a shop as she passed by and saw Mike on a solid gold throne being fed grapes and being fanned by other users. He laughed at their suffering, the sound like claws scraping across a chalk board. What had happened to his sweet little laugh? She also noticed the three legendary djinn pokemon, Tornadus, Landorus, and Thundurus forcing the users to pamper Mike, and attacking them if they stopped to rest.

Xanthe only turned away when she heard shouts from nearby. People were starting to chant “fight fight fight!” and circled around some people. As Xanthe drew closer she saw Shadowbolt to the side looking very upset, not wanting to intervene in case it caused more conflict. Where had his bold personality gone? Xanthe forced her way through the crowd to see Gemma and Chakra wailing on each other. Gemma had Chakra pinned and proceeded to bite his arm. Chakra cried out and kicked Gemma in the stomach. Gemma recoiled and began to wail on Chakra.

“Take it back! Skylanders is the best video game there is!”

“Never! Batman Forever is the best! Hands down!”

“Bets! Place your bets here! Who will win in the face off? Is it Skylanders or Batman Forever?” Xanthe spotted AWA not too far away, collecting bets from the crowd. From the looks of it, this was not the first time the two had completely duked it out, but this was more than unsettling. What had happened to the Pika Pair? What had happened to everyone? Xanthe forced her way out of the crowd and continued through the town, searching for one thing, anything to be the same. As she wandered past the Groups and Clubs section, Xanthe had to do a doubletake. There was no mistaking that red hair.

“Kas!” Xanthe dashed inside the building and entered the Undertale corner. There was no mistaking it, that was Kas! But why was she here? She was not a huge Pokemon fan so why join PXR? Kas looked up while a grin that made Xanthe’s heart freeze. How could such a sadistic look cross her sweet girlfriend’s face?

“Xanthe! Glad you could make it! I was just showing these pokemon how much I loved them!” Xanthe glanced at the table behind Kas and saw a bunch of stuffed pokemon that had been ripped to shreds. Now she understood why Kas was in the Undertale section. As horrifying as the sight was, Kas’s appearance started to clear things up. Everything was reversed, or at least twisted, in this world. It was not the world she knew, but more like a funhouse mirror version. So then, the question was, how did she get back to the world she knew?

“I’ll have to join you another time, Kas, okay? I need to go look for someone.” Xanthe turned to exit when a sudden shock shook the entire place. Screams erupted from outside and Xanthe regained her balance enough to stumble outside. Just a little ways away, a pirate ship could be seen. That seemed like a good place to start looking if Xanthe ever needed one. Xanthe started to exit the Groups and Clubs section when she collided with someone.

“Eth! Commoner! Watch where you are going. I don’t want your germs all over me.” Xanthe stumbled back a bit before looking at who it was speaking to her. It was Sabi! A sigilyph floated behind her, both partner and pokemon wearing the same pretentious look. This made sense in a twisted world.

“Sabi! I need to borrow your sigilyph.” Sabi snorted and turned up her nose at Xanthe’s request.

“Let you touch my prized sigilyph? Please. You’d ruin his feathers. You ruin everything you touch, like that outfit when you picked it out of the closet this morning.” Sabi glanced at her hand, examining her fingernails before looking back at Xanthe. “What? You still insist, peasant? You persistent cockroaches are what make my job so much harder. You’ve got two perfectly beefy legs right there, just walk wherever you need to go. Now, if you’ll please move, I need to go to the WAR threads. They’re having a sale on gold medals. And I can always use more for my collection.” Sabi laughed, flipped her hair, then walked into Groups and Clubs. Xanthe made a mental note to treasure a not snobby Sabi when she got back to the real world.

Xanthe began to sprint down the street where chaos was erupting… sort of? She could see something attacking people but Xanthe couldn’t quite make out what they were. Bees? She could also hear some arguing in distance. That sounded like the right thing to follow in this world so Xanthe made her way towards the docks. Sure enough, she reached a pirate ship where two girls were standing at the helm arguing about… something?

“All I’m saying is, if we’re gonna release bees on the city, we should park in between the lanes in the dock. I don’t need to get a ticket because you can’t park a ship.”

“Oh so this is my fault? We’re villains, Sloane! We can do whatever we want!”

“That’s not how this works, Kaoru! We’re lawfully evil! And I don’t want another ticket! They’re too damn expensive!” As if summoned by Sloane’s words, Eric-saur suddenly appeared out of thin air wearing a policeman uniform. Sloane spotted him and pointed at him. “Don’t you do it, Eric! I see you!” Eric glared at Sloane and wrote on his pad. He ripped off the ticket and held it out towards the boat. “Eric!” Eric moved closer. “ERIC!” Eric quickly slapped the ticket onto the boat then no-clipped into the ground, disappearing into the pavement. “Arceus damn it, Eric! Now look what you’ve done, Kaoru! We’ve got another ticket to pay!”

“Well it’s not my fault! You shouldn’t let me park the boat then!”

“But you’re allergic to bees! I had to release them otherwise you could die!”

“Fair point. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled. Can you forgive me Especially Evil Pirate Crew Pal?” Sloane broke into a smile and hugged Kaoru.

“Only if you forgive me too, you’re generally great at parking! Just… not with boats.” Xanthe stuck her tongue out. This was disgusting. Still, she was the Guardian Genie now, whatever that means. So that probably meant dealing with these two. Xanthe swung her hips and poofed into a flareon.

“Hey!” she called up to the two, “Stop the bees now or else!” Sloane stared down at Xanthe for a moment before laughing.

“Oh my, is that Xanthe? Kaoru look, it’s the lame-o that’s paired with your ex.” The two pirates laughed pretentiously before jumping in time down in front of Xanthe.

“You think you’re special because you have transformations?” Kaoru boasted, “But these aren’t even our final forms!” The two began to tango in perfect time. Kaoru spun Sloane and suddenly they both changed form. Kaoru was suddenly an amalgamation of a Probopass Forretress fusion and Sloane was a black Turtonator. Even their pokesonas were different in this world? Xanthe decided best not to question it and prepared to fight.

Kaoru, pretty much just a closed forretress with a giant red nose and a moustache, began to spin. When she stopped, all the cannons that popped out of a normal forretress popped out… of her moustache? The moustache cannons all aimed at Xanthe and began to charge a death beam when suddenly Sam dropped out of the sky.

“KAAAAARRRROOOUUUU!!!” he cheered as he landed on top of the giant forretress amalgamation. Kaoru stopped the death beam out of confusion, Sam blocking her view.

“Get off me! You tapatalk infested freak!”

“But I wuv you!” Xanthe wasn’t sure if she should be hurt or relieved at that exclamation when she suddenly received a spike to the face.

“HEY! Eyes on your opponent!” Sloane taunted, surprisingly nimble for being a giant dragon turtle. Xanthe stumbled back then turned her tail on Sloane. She grabbed the dirt on the ground with her back paws and kicked, splashing mud into Sloane’s face. “Ahh! Filth! Must get clean!” Sloane quickly turned and dove into the water. “Ahhh! Water! I’m too heavy to sw-bbblububub!” Kaoru had managed to shake off Sam at this point and saw her sinking pal.

“Sloane! Don’t worry! I’ll save you!” She jumped off after Sloane, picked up her friend and yelled, “This isn’t the last of us! We will have our revenge!” Kaoru lifted Sloane up to the pirate ship and steered the ship away, the bees following after. Xanthe looked over Sam, who was currently sitting on his butt with large sad eyes, staring after the pirate ship.

“Kaoru… come back…” Xanthe returned to her human form and moved to comfort Sam when she felt someone grab the back of her top. Xanthe glanced over her shoulder to see Harry.

“You've been summoned,” he said simply. With that he snapped his fingers and in a split second they travelled through the depths of hell before arriving in Sarah’s office. Xanthe was now convinced Harry was a demon but it was kind of hard to concentrate on anything with all the screams of lost souls ringing in her ears.

“I thought I told you not to screw up, ya bastard.” Xanthe swallowed roughly at Sarah’s tone of voice. “Five damn minutes haven't even passed by and we're already attacked! Your job is to prevent this! Or at least, it was. You're fired. I've already found your replacement.” Sarah snapped her fingers and a familiar face walked in. Dressed in green genie wear, the other Sarah, better known as Speed-X, flipped her hair over her shoulders and smirked at Xanthe.

“It’s cute you thought you could succeed,” Speed commented. “Like, you failed so miserably, I cannot even process it. It’s just, like, too stupid. But you’re not the only user who qualifies for Guardian Genie here, thank Arceus. We’d be like totally doomed if you were. So step aside and let the real super model handle this.” Xanthe took a minute to translate the whole speech. Her brain just couldn’t comprehend such a low level of IQ based speech. Upon reaching the proper translation, Xanthe sputtered a little.

“But I can transform! You were impressed and everything!” Xanthe wasn’t really sure why she was protesting but given she needed to find some way out of here, Guardian Genie seemed like a good segway.

“Like, you’re so self-centered. You really think you’re, like, the only person who can transform? Good thing I’m not so stupid. Totally.” Speed wiggled her hips and dropped to the floor, busting out some sweet break dancing moves before transforming into a Klink. “See? Now, like, get out. Being in the same room as you is like totally cramping my style.” Guess she had no choice. Xanthe dusted herself off as she stood up and exited Sarah’s office again. Back on the streets of the unfamiliar world, Xanthe was not sure what to do now. She noticed that GCEA appeared to be a hot springs of sorts, maybe she could go relax there? Xanthe jogged to the hot springs area and poked her head inside. She jumped back in surprise when she heard a shout and a person landed in front of her.

“BOO! Did I scare ya, Xanthe?” Xanthe didn’t need to think long and hard on this one, it was obviously Max! He seemed to have such a happy demeanor about him, was he really an opposite? Before Xanthe could speak, she heard a loud splash. Max’s head spun three hundred and sixty degrees and he snarled, “HEY! Follow the obviously stated, correctly spelled rules! Or do I need to remind you all of the consequences!” Max suddenly grew four more arms, all six of his arms holding knives. This seemed a bit drastic to be an opposite and Xanthe started to step back when suddenly everything was back to normal. Max giggled innocently, “Sorry about that! So what brings you to the hot springs? In need of a hint to continue your journey?”

“A what?”

“A hint! With my third eye I can see into the future! And it’ll allow me to tell you where to go next on your journey!” Max closed his eyes and put his hands against the sides of his head. Muttering to himself, Xanthe was seriously contemplating leaving again when Max’s eyes suddenly flung open. “Go see EmeraldSky! She’s in need of your help rescuing someone from the waterfalls nearby! She’ll be waiting near the Writer’s Desk!” Well she had nothing else better to do.

“Thanks, I’ll do that, Max!” Max waved happily as Xanthe headed downtown towards the Writer’s Desk. Sure enough, just as Max had said, there was EmeraldSky, but something seemed off about her. She looked up as Xanthe approached and waved, friendly as usual. “Hey, Emerald, I heard you needed something?” Emerald nodded and began to speak in sign language. Xanthe, not knowing sign language, stared at Emerald for a moment before interrupting, “Sorry I don’t speak hands, can you write this down?” Emerald shook her head. It seemed her opposite could not speak or write. She paused before snapping her fingers and digging into her pocket. She pulled out an amulet and pushed it against Xanthe.

Xanthe’s dancing instincts took over and she began to do the Cupid Shuffle before transforming into a misdreavus! Emerald clapped excitedly before pulling a map out of thin air and tapping it against Xanthe’s head. Suddenly, Xanthe knew exactly where she needed to go. “All right, Emerald! Don’t worry, I’ve got this!”

Zipping through the skies, Xanthe quickly arrived at a set of waterfalls and was horrified at the sight. Hidden amongst the beautiful sight was a factory! Xanthe phased inside and felt a gasp escape her ghostly body. It was a factory producing MichaelXDs! Who would do such a thing? Xanthe’s Australian senses began to tingle and she floated back outside the factory. Standing over a giant chasm, Xanthe spotted what unmistakably Neo delivering a very dramatic monologue.

“And soon I’ll be rich! These MichaelXDs will cause so much chaos, every forum for miles will hire me to purge them! I’ll be rich, Caite-chan! RICH!” He burst into evil laughter and the earth began to shake as a louder female laughter echoed from the chasm. They both stopped abruptly and Neo turned to see Xanthe not too far away. “YOU! Xanthe, I’d recognize you anywhere. You just heard my master plan didn’t you? Well we can’t have that! Caite-chan, be a dear! DESTROY HER!” The ground began to shake again and out of the ground rose a gigantic figure. It was a giant Jessie from Team Rocket, but it was undoubtedly Caite-chan! Xanthe was so enamored by the sight that she forgot to move and was suddenly squashed by Caite-chan.

Xanthe found herself back where she had started and was greeted with a very loud, heavy sigh.

“YOU’RE THE PROTAGONIST, HOW DID YOU DIE? HM… MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE YOU AREN’T ACTUALLY THE PROTAGONIST. DO YOU WISH TO CONTINUE? I CAN LET YOU BUT IT’LL COST YOU A QUARTER OF YOUR SOUL.”

“As tempting as that is… I’ll pass. I wish to return home please.”

“SUIT YOURSELF. OH AND IF YOU HAPPEN TO MEET AN INDIVIDUAL NAMED RAY, DO LET HIM KNOW THAT HE’S NEEDED BACK IN THE GENIE REALM.”

And with that, Xanthe found herself in her bed back in Australia. She had to wonder if it was all a dream, that none of that nonsense had actually happened. Dismissing it as such, Xanthe decided to go make some breakfast, not noticing the genie outfit hanging in her closet, just out of plain sight.