PXFIRE Creative Writing

[LKWayvern]

Wow, these four weeks have really flown by, huh?
Welp, it’s been fun. Still no entries from Prankster Platoon, but the entries I did get were really good. I’m not kidding, this was really close.

Predestination
By @Nobleanobii of the Gracidea Order

They don’t necessarily distract from my understanding of the story because I can tell what you mean, but I’m noticing a few confusingly worded phrases and typos…
‘Not winds’? Alright then.
Three xokhafels and three angels, him? I don’t suppose that Muzapo is among them?
Oh hey, more Hamilton references. From the same song. ’so how you gonna get your prophecy through?’
I like how Parlim and Seray speak. Apathetic almost, yet still polite and eloquent. I just really like when characters talk like that.
Interesting comments about American politics.
...I know who rainbow xokhafel is but I forget their name and I am so happy that they’re supposed to win you have no idea.
Maykrotot was originally destined to win? Interesting.
Seeing behind the scenes how the angels rig everything is interesting…
I sort of suspected Mikey had a crush on Rox but I tend to be really oblivious to romance, both fictional and real, so I wasn’t sure… Guess I was on the right track!
Two foot height difference. Is it weird that I find that adorable?
I can’t remember this xokhafel’s name either but they were a part of Haskotte, weren’t they?
So it was a tent, NOT a room!
Poor Mikey. I’ve read too many stories where trying to prevent the fulfillment of a prophecy ends up in it coming true.
Muzapo and his friend I forget the name of are going to be partners? Huh. No wait… Or is it Maykrotot’s kid? Probably the latter actually.
Interesting… I’d like to learn about these two other hybrid-seers.
A heart attack? Never heard of visions causing anything like that before.
Labor camps… The disabled not being allowed to live… Those make it kind of reminiscent of the Holocaust…
So far Mikey kind of strikes me as morally grey, and kind of a jerk, but not necessarily evil… Hm…
Aeotts? Some kind of Alsondysi deity?
I like Araxie.
Heh. Heheheheheheh. Butterfly effect.
How long has the Angel Regime been in control of the planet, and what’s the natural lifespan of a xokhafel?
Oo, spraypainting~ Is that how Mikey’s ‘artistic’? Not a medium I see mentioned very often in media…
Ack no don’t hurt the xokhafel waiter, we just met him but I already want to love and defend him--
So, are you saying that the angels consider themselves to be perfect? Some kind of race of perfect entities? A ‘master race’ as one may call it?
Ah, right. Angels don’t have a xokhafel’s talent with language, so hearing the xokhafelian language from another perspective is really interesting!
Can’t even know for certain what his last words were… That’s sad.
And they didn’t even pay. Wow. Jack***.
...Mm. That did get the point across that angels really aren’t good or nice if that’s a common occurrence. But it could also probably have been easily removed from the story. If it had been a xokhafel or angel involved in the incident that was killed or doing the killing that we had been introduced to previously, and had gotten to know, that might’ve make it feel a bit more significant, and made a major impact.
Interesting reinterpretation of the Bible…
‘I’m more of a cat person anyway’ Okay that’s funny.
Maykrotot’s capable of ‘interrupting’ Mikey’s visions? I shall eagerly await more of that.
What’s this? Zhamos and Parlim having a parley? Unexpected…
Welp. Guess they’re kind of doomed right now…
Wait a second. This actually kind of reminds me of 1984-- a dictatorship with a firm hand on all the rebellions because it’s controlling them already.
!!!!!!!!!!!! IS THIS A SJO
I REALLY FREAKING LIKE THE SJOS
OH MY GOD IT IS A SJO WONDERFUUUUUUUUUULL
Angel biology is very interesting…
So this is all occurring at the same time as Butterfly Epoch? I thought it may have been after the events of Butterfly Epoch, but before the get the kusanagi.
Interesting about the bullets, too. Foreshadowing?
Aw. That whole little paragraph, with the betsweis’ morbid humor, about visiting Alsondysi someday… And Mikey’s thoughts about them being expendables and easily replaced. I found that sad…
The queen has to die? Aw… We haven’t talked to them very often, but I thought she was nice… Certainly innocent. And she wanted to follow xokhafel tradition, so she couldn’t have been purposefully malevolent.
Damn, Zhamos. Make up your mind. Are you a double agent or a triple agent or what??
Well then. Bye bye, Zhamos. Will Mikey get away with this…?
Habiltis too? Aw…
Before I thought Mikey was just sort of morally grey and jerkish, more an anti-hero than a true villain. But yeah, he’s definitely more a villain now I think. He's crossed several lines.
Oh no, is Araxie going to die too?
Oooo… Confrontation with your boyfriend… Can’t exactly kill him, can you, Mikey?
Unless…
Unless this is the prophecy coming true, thanks to Mikey’s efforts to avoid it.
Crap. He did fulfill it…
Ooooooh no not the flashback to innocent times!
Aaaaaaaa why are we going to other innocent times!?
Okay, this doesn’t quite apply to what you did here. But I don’t usually like it when right before or after someone dies we have a monologue or flashbacks or whatever to try and make the audience care for them more. It feels too fast and rushed and forced to make me actually care for them. You’ve been building up Rox and Michelangelo’s relationship all throughout the story though, so I don’t mind the flashbacks here.
‘I strike him right between the ribs. I walk towards him but I am ushered away.’
Will the Hamilton references never end?
On a slightly more serious note, remember what I said last week about references kind of ruining a serious moment? You’ve improved. I caught the reference, and it was nice, but I think the fact that you didn’t quote it word for word kept the atmosphere you wanted to make.
And… Well then. Quite the downer ending.
I like it.
No, seriously, I love the ending. The was just an excellent cutoff point. It’s implied that Vasnika was killed, but not outright stated, and the fallout isn’t described. It leaves it all up to the imagination. It doesn’t drag out the falling action at all, which is wonderful. Dragging out the falling action or epilogue can just seriously annoy me sometimes.

Originality: 10 points. Compared to other entries, you once again went crazy with worldbuilding, expanding more on the culture of Angels this time instead of the xokhafels. Your angels are certainly far from the hot beings of pure good I most often see and I love it.

Characters: 9 points. You had the largest cast of characters by far and they were all wildly different, when comparing personality, morals, and motivations. I loved it.

Coherency: 7 points. While I loved the story and the plot, and could follow what was going on, it seemed at times like you were almost wandering. It could use some polishing up, I think.

[b]Spelling and Grammar:[/i] 7 points. I found quite a few typos, or awkwardly worded phrases.

Total: 33 points.

Making Mad
By @Neo Emolga of the Steel Scavengers

Oooooo, an actor. This character has my deepest sympathy already.
And a character who’s a toon? I’m reminded of Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
...Singe has my intense pity. Then again, the villain of a kid’s tv show. I wasn’t expecting that. So kudos for that.
I’ve noticed a great deal of your protagonists tend to get very sarcastic. Singe is no exception.
I personally tend to really like ‘Dreamworld’s. Dreamworlds can be extremely fun to play with. Especially the laws of physics in them. But the Sugar Kingdom… Yeah, poor Singe. That definitely sounds like one of the more boring ways to do a Dreamworld.
Although, I have seen ‘sugar kingdom’ done once in a very good webcomic, but the comic was more parodying that sugar kingdom idea than anything else.
‘Sinister, stinky, stunk’. Well, now we all know Singe’s got a gift with alliteration. Villain parts can be really fun, I’ll admit, but being typecast really isn’t very fun.
And our ‘heroes’, the Ready Teddies. With the expected powers. Or, some of them.
What’s this, meta-humor? I love meta-humor. I never meta humor I didn’t like.
Oh, jeez. Yep. Singe gets my pity.
The theme song was a nice touch. Cheesy as hell, but a nice touch.
Many alliterative names… Singe, Roland, Punchy, Peter, Paula, Wesley, Wilbur…
How does one paint a picture of sticky glue?
Oo, we’re going with improv now?
Now that’s a waste of two perfectly good banana cream pies. Then again, this is the magical land of sweets and diabetes, so presumably they have more than enough to go around…
‘The power of dreams and creativity’. I have seen an anthropomorphic personification of dreams and nightmares. He’s the polar opposite of these guys, oddly enough.
Getting chewed out by a director is not a fun experience, and arguing with a director is extremely inadvisable. Say goodbye to your jobs, Ready Teddies.
‘Maybe’? Girl, you’ve been on this show how long!?
Glad Singe’s career turned right around. Happy ending, I suppose~ And a nice twist on that quote in the end, too.
Here’s one thing that kind of bothered me, though. I’d have liked it more if we could’ve seen a bit more of characters like Roland and Pete. You mentioned once about how they were strikingly different from the parts that they played, but I think it would’ve been more apparent if you’d used more ‘show, not tell’. You showed rather well the sickening sweetness of Ready Teddies, and the jerkishness of the Teddies’ actors, but I would’ve loved Singe interacting with people he liked, because up until the very end the story was more or less Singe ranting and being sarcastic. A little variety in emotion before the end would’ve been nice.
Also I’ve gotten curious. Has Singe had to interact with a fan? What’s that like for him?

Originality: 8 points. I have to say, I did NOT expect the parameters and theme to be used exactly like that. While I have seen those archetypes and tropes a bit too often, having the characters all be actors in a TV cartoon with those tropes was a really lovely twist.

Characters: 7 points. While I did like Singe quite a bit, he seemed to be the character to get the most focus and characterization. While others were definitely major parts of the story, being the object of Singe’s spite, I don’t think they quite measured up to other characters.

Coherency: 9 points. I could definitely follow the story extremely easily, and it flowed very well. Nothing really felt forced, based off what I knew of all the characters.

[b]Spelling and Grammar:[/i] 9 points.

Total: 33 points.

Blue Whale
By @Morzone of the Steel Scavengers

‘Them’? Is that the one with the giant ants because I really liked that movie. Then again, I really like ants. So I may be in the minority, I’m not sure.
Aaaaah… I’d heard about the ‘Blue Whale’ game. I was wondering if this story would be about it or not, I was kind of hoping not…
This is the first and only entry in the entire PXFire Creative Writing competition to actually get me unsettled and kind of uncomfortable, so congratulations Morzone. I’m not saying that this is a bad thing. In horror, it’s actually kind of hard to get me freaked out. But two things likely to get me very freaked out is suicide and self-harm, especially if a person is being manipulated or mind-controlled into doing either. So this is probably going to be a rather memorable entry for me…
‘Job is nonprofit’. Yeah, it better not be giving you a profit…
Congratulations. Your villain protagonist is definitely the only one that gets no sympathy from me, and has pretty much utterly disgusted me at this point.
While I’m really not okay with self-inflicted injuries and deaths, I do have a morbid fascination with serial killers… And Phillip’s words and reminiscent of several of them.
The ending I liked. Jane getting her revenge, and Phillip getting punishment.
I had to take some breaks from reading this at points. It’s not because it wasn’t well-written or anything. I thought it was well-done, and interesting. It’s just I personally am not the most comfortable with this subject matter, and sometimes my emotions can get a little overwhelming. I’ll try my best not to let this influence or bias my judging, though.
That said, I’d like to congratulate you on the characterization of Phillip. Very few villains have ever actually made me feel legitimately disgusted by them. In addition, I’ve done quite a bit of research on serial killers, and I think you’ve gotten the personality of one down extremely well. If I were awarding points based off of how villainous the protagonists of each story actually was, as opposed to the categories I’d already picked, you’d definitely get the gold.

Originality: 7 points. I’ll admit, I was surprised by using the Blue Whale Game as the subject of your entry.

Characters: 9 points. Like you said before, I thought you did very well with Phillip’s characterization. Kevin also intrigued me-- he seems to have more morals than Phillip, and yet he doesn’t call the police or anything. It piques my curiosity about what kind of a person he is, how he’s friends with someone like Phillip…

Coherency: 9 points. It actually flowed very, very well. The characters actions all felt very natural, it was rather well paced.

Spelling and Grammar: 9 points.

Total: 34

Like I said. VERY close. Excellent jobs, everyone.