Quote Originally Posted by Suicune's Fire
Ashur, this is our guest, Shayla Perkins.
OH MY GOD ALL OF YOUR PROTAGS ARE YOU.
I LIKE USING MY NAMES OKAY! But you've met Shayla before! She was in Tri-Kappa Labs, remember? She's a super old OC of mine and originally her last name was Perkins because I'm uncreative. SO it kinda felt weird to change that and here we are.

Quote Originally Posted by Suicune's Fire
I liked it so far! I've only read chapter 1, but I'll read the next soon. :)

There were occasions when you would have a character speak in large paragraphs without being interrupted, but especially in this situation, I feel like there would be reactions from the other character throughout the speech, rather than afterwards. When Tyson was explaining things to Shayla, it was all in one go. Then Shayla's response was more like a written response, where you reply to everything in order. It works written down, but not often in speech. I mean, obviously that depends on the characters and their situations and it does depend on many things, but it's something to keep in mind, I suppose.

I think a lot of the errors I picked up could have been ironed out with more thorough proof reading. But some of them are recurring things like putting a comma instead of a semicolon which I know you've done since I first read a story of yours. xD Just remember where there should be a semicolon instead of a comma; if the words both sides of the comma can be sentences that stand on their own, there should be a semicolon and not a comma. (See what I did there? ;] )

I get the feeling that Shayla is quite an important person. O: And I also wonder why she is unable to obtain a real license. Tyson seems pretty cool so far, but like Shayla, I'm super curious about what kind of gijinka he is. He seems really strong if he's able to take out a guard so quickly. Good thing that guy didn't have backup. xD

Nice job so far! :D
Yeah I had someone else point out to me about the large paragraphs thing. It's a side effect from my RPing days, according to them, which I never even really thought about. That should be largely rectified in Chapter 2. There's a few instances in chapter 2 where there's like, a large paragraph but it's more of because the situation kind of warranted it? I can explain in more detail after you read it if you'd like.

You know what's funny is I had three beta readers on this and none of them pointed any of this out. XD And yeah, I don't see semicolons used that often so I tend to forget they exist sometimes. Hahaha whoops.

You'll find out what gijinka he is next chapter! In fact you'll find out quite a lot about him next chapter. ;)

Thanks! I'll look over your edits again later and see if I have any questions. I would right now but HOMEWORK.