"You are not that skilled at subtly, kid.
Should be "subtlety."

"But, your case is different than that.
I think "than that" at the end is redundant. Sounds kinda weird to say out loud as well.

we wanted to let you know that we really enjoyed having you here Ever since Mason left us,
Should be a full stop after "here" before "Ever."

She had known that she just hadn't wanted to accept that fate just yet.
There should be a semicolon after the first "that." Unless the sentence is meant to be talking about the fact that she had known about not wanting to accept that fate. If that were the case, the sentence is a little awkward.

That was a soldier for ya.
This was weird to see in the middle of narration, because it's not from first person perspective, which means injecting flavour text like this is sort of unfitting. Especially "ya" which is informal. If Shayla thought that sentence, it'd make more sense, and if it were written in first person then it would also make sense. But like this, it's just a little odd. I don't know if I should just regard it as a stylistic choice and ignore how I feel about it though.

Shayla shoved the bisharp away and tried to create some distance but it was much use.
Should be "it wasn't much use."

This guy was faster and stronger than she was, she'd have to bank on outsmarting him.
That comma should be a semicolon because they're two separate sentences which aren't joined by any words such as "and."

The bisharp guard glared at the man and said,

“Mind your own business.
These should be on the same line, rather than the glaring being in the previous paragraph. Usually character actions like this would be in the same paragraph as their speech, especially in the case of text before speech with a comma.

Tyson stood about a foot taller than Shayla and definitely held a more muscular build than her.
Should be "than she" at the end, not "than her."

Lastly, I want formal introductions at some point.” Tyson rolled his eyes and glanced down at Shayla.
Same deal as before; his action should be on a different line to Shayla's speech.

It's still better than landing in Snowpoint or Sunnyshore if you ask me."
It's actually "Sunyshore." Weirdly.

The red pajamas and just woke up look that the krookodile wore gave Shayla a different impression.
"just woke up look" should be in quotations, I reckon, because it's more of a character's observation if that makes sense. In the very least, hyphens between the words.

Ashur, this is our guest, Shayla Perkins.
OH MY GOD ALL OF YOUR PROTAGS ARE YOU.


I liked it so far! I've only read chapter 1, but I'll read the next soon. :)

There were occasions when you would have a character speak in large paragraphs without being interrupted, but especially in this situation, I feel like there would be reactions from the other character throughout the speech, rather than afterwards. When Tyson was explaining things to Shayla, it was all in one go. Then Shayla's response was more like a written response, where you reply to everything in order. It works written down, but not often in speech. I mean, obviously that depends on the characters and their situations and it does depend on many things, but it's something to keep in mind, I suppose.

I think a lot of the errors I picked up could have been ironed out with more thorough proof reading. But some of them are recurring things like putting a comma instead of a semicolon which I know you've done since I first read a story of yours. xD Just remember where there should be a semicolon instead of a comma; if the words both sides of the comma can be sentences that stand on their own, there should be a semicolon and not a comma. (See what I did there? ;] )

I get the feeling that Shayla is quite an important person. O: And I also wonder why she is unable to obtain a real license. Tyson seems pretty cool so far, but like Shayla, I'm super curious about what kind of gijinka he is. He seems really strong if he's able to take out a guard so quickly. Good thing that guy didn't have backup. xD

Nice job so far! :D