[PXFIRE] Humor and Nonsense

[evanfardreamer]

I've never played the PMD series, and I went for less zany humor. Hope y'all enjoy!

Spoiler:

GM: “Your group of brave Pokemon adventurers has traveled many days to pursue this legend. The crone at the Rampaging Rapidash tavern told you of a stone door built into a hillside that only opened when the three oaks speak as one. Before you is such a door; the ancient runes on its surface have been eroded to mere hints, though some of the bas-reliefs on the lintel suggest you have found your goal.”
Chuck: “We were searching for gas relief? That doesn’t sound like a very good quest.”
GM: “What? Bas-relief, it’s a carved out picture in silhouette of animals.”
Leopold: “And they carved this into a bean? How big is it?”
GM: “Where did you get bean from?”
Leopold: “You said the pictures were carved into the lentil.”
GM: (obviously annoyed) “L-I-N-T-E-L, lintel. It’s the horizontal frame above the door.”
Chuck: “And these beans are carved all over it? Or just on top?”
GM: “There are no beans. The silhouette of animals can be picked out even through the erosion, but there are some you don’t recognize.”
Leopold: “So is this the door?”
GM: “You think so. You were supposed to find the door built into a hillside that opens when the three oaks speak as one.”
Leopold: “I look around. How many oak trees do I see?”
GM: “None. The hills within your sight have no trees on them, just rolling grass.”
Chuck: “Hey, no drug use in the house. This is a rental.”
GM: (rolls eyes) “I was being descriptive. There is no forest anywhere nearby. There are a few small stone cairns nearby though.”
Emily: “I’ve seen some of those. Aren’t they meant to mark a path? Where do these ones lead?”
GM: “Normally, yes. These ones however seem to make a large, irregular circle around the hill, leading you back to the rest of you group. Do you want to look closer at them?”
Leopold: “Don’t do it! Piles of stones in the middle of nowhere? What if they’re grave markers. You definitely don’t want to disturb the dead.”
Chuck: “He’s right. There’s no way we can fight them yet, we’re still just level three.”
Emily: “I’m not going to touch them, but I’ll look closer at them.”
GM: “The top stone on each of the cairns seems to be volcanic in origin, and a series of holes run through them. It looks like something was carved onto a flat part on the top, but you can’t quite tell what.”
Chuck: “Does it look like a bean?”
GM: “No. It does not at all look like a bean.”
Chuck: “I guess it’s not a clue then. I’m going to try punching the door.”
GM: (sighs) “Okay. You focus all your aura into your fist, driving it into the center of the door. This door has seen aeons pass, though, and ignores your attempt to hurt it.”
Leopold: “Whoah! Someone awakened a door!”
Chuck: “Why would a door be sleeping?”
Emily: “That’s the druid spell, right? That takes plants and makes them think?”
Leopold: “Yeah! You have to be a really high level druid to be able to do that. This must be the door. Maybe we have to talk it into opening?”
Chuck: “I try talking to the door. I tell it to open.”
GM: (stares in silence for a moment) “It doesn’t respond to anything you say.”
Chuck: “I try insulting it then. Your mama’s dumber than a box of rocks!”
Leopold: “What if its mom was a box of rocks?”
Emily: “No, wait, what if we try saying nice things to convince it to open?”
GM: “The door still isn’t responding, in any way, to anything you say. You’re pretty sure it’s just a stone door.”
Chuck: “If a druid woke it up, maybe it doesn’t speak our language. Does anyone speak Druish?”
Leopold: “My character is the master of four languages. Does the door know any of those?”
GM: “No. The door doesn’t know any language you could speak.”
Nicole: “They’re all busy talking to the door, right? I’ll go look at those rock piles.”
GM: “You see the same thing Emily saw, with the holes and the worn away carving.”
Nicole: “Cool. I pick one up.”
Chuck: “Hey, I’m still talking to the door here. If it can’t understand my words, maybe we have to show it what we mean. I do this.” (Stands up and opens and closes his arms in front of him.)
GM: “The door doesn’t react to your Pictionary either.”
Chuck: “What? Ew, no way man, I’m not whipping that out for just any old door.”
Nicole: “What a weirdo. I throw the rock at Chuck.”
GM: “Okay. The rock makes a whistling noise as it flies, and you’re close enough to hit him. Roll damage.”
Chuck: “Hey! Wait a minute! No party fighting!”
Nicole: (rolls a die) “It came up a two.”
GM: “Since you have a type advantage, you get another point of damage. Chuck, take three points of damage to your physical stat.”
Chuck: (glares angrily) “We aren’t even in the dungeon yet and I’m already hurt. This sucks.”
Leopold: “That’s why you’re the tank. I go pick up a rock and throw it at him too.”
GM: “This one whistles when you throw it too, but Chuck is aware now and moves out of the way.”
Emily: “Ooh, me too!”
Chuck: “Hey, no ganging up on me! I start throwing the rocks back!”
GM: “Okay, okay, hang on. As soon as three rocks are thrown, the door swings open, revealing a yawning abyss. Old stone steps lead down into the darkness, and-“
Chuck: “But do I hit any of them back?”
Nicole: “Who knows what will happen if we throw more. Come on! How many rocks are there?”
GM: “Well, there are seven, but-
Nicole: “Cool! I pick up as many as I can and throw them at Chuck.”
Chuck: “No way, I’m out of here. I run down those stairs in the dark. Giant beans have to be better than this.”
Leopold: “I pick up a rock and follow him. Hey, if we can knock him out, do we get XP?”
GM: (sighs again) “No.”
Leopold: “Okay, I guess we have to hit something else next time. Come on gals, let’s see what’s in this mysterious dungeon.”