[PXFIRE] Humor and Nonsense

[Morzone]

A Farmer's day of Defense

Time: 0900.
Location: Berry farmers and Breeders Union (BFBU) Mega-farm Headquarters. - Sports center

The day was perfect. Well, almost. The music was in horrible taste today. And that was bad. We were two rounds into the semifinals of the grand super mega all star musical chairs competition. It was an extremely important event for the Union, And I was competing to represent the defense sector's title -we'd won last year. Now you have to understand that this was a very serious event. About a hundred berry farmers, pokemon breeders, and defense specialists sat in raised benches seriously watching A group of grown men and women sprint around a tiny circle of chairs, devolving into a mobfest every time the DJ put the pause on the Music. So of course, when I speed into a chair and send this skinny breeder guy flying across the room doing somersaults, no one laughs. Well, maybe I do but only because I'm happy I got the chair.

Time: 0915
Location: BFBU Mega Farm Headquarters. - Sports Center/Main gates.

I was so close when the Alarm went off. There were only three left and Billy Joel's "Pressure" was blaring out of the speakers. Unfortunate,y instead of the music going off, the Intruder alarms went on. Talk about bad timing. Now I was going to have to compete through the whole tournament again! Talk about inconsiderate timing. Oh well. As a defense specialist is was my job to go out and oversee the problem. All the farmers and breeders are running off to their farms. The BFBU is famous for having the best berries in the entire world, nay the whole galaxy! Which made us a fairly large target for what we call "the pie makers" Just random people who don't understand the beauty of a berry and want to actually cook them. What a waste.

A few minutes later I arrive out at the front Entrance, Calling out for a status report. One of my interns run up to my, clearly glad I finally showed up. "Thank Arceus you're here! You see this ship-" I cut him off and walk outside myself. Who has time for status reports anyway? I mean come on, just cause I ask for one doesn't mean I actually want it! Sheesh. Anyway, Some silver space-ship saucer thing had landed out in a field in front of the main gates. A small group of what appeared to be aliens were walking toward us, slowly and deliberately. The tension was palpable as the out of this world invaders walked slowly, one slow step at a time... dramatically inching their way toward us.... Oh wait. They were trying to pass through the Grimer pits. Now wonder they were so slow. Talk about an entrance.

Eventually, one of the aliens finally makes it up to us. His friends gave up at some point and turned around, slowly sloshing back through grimer slime to their ship. Clearly having to wade through mucky slime to get here wasn't worth it. Not that I could blame them. The one that did make it through though, was almost impressively slimy. It was like the alian had swam through the slime rather than walk through it. A weird one for sure.

"I have come for your berries and your best quality pokemon. Step aside, Or I will be required to use force!" The Alien declared, purple slime ooze flicking off as he spoke. I just laughed and walked up to him, motioning for the lucario defense team to stand back watch. "I'll fight you off right here if you don't leave now." I declared in response, to which the slimy alien merely took a fighting stance. Now I close my eyes for a second, take a steadying breath and smile. This poor alien had no idea how many times I had seen the movie "Kung Fu Pangoro." Why, I was a Kung Fu master by now! I could see my victory now: I leap forward spectacularly, faking a kick then hitting his head, I follow up by sweeping out his feet and hitting him with precisely aimed uppercut to flip him over as he falls. Yes, Perfect. I open my eyes and leap forward, my leg flails out, my arm goes for the head, the other sweeps backward and my other arm comes for the final hit. A glorious combination of masterful kung fu. The Alien meanwhile, sidesteps and allows me to perform my masterful skills mid air, complete with the epic finish of crashing down into the trail of slime from the Alien's trek up here.

Taking a moment to stand back up -the grimer slime is known for sticking to you for as long as possible- I look back at my target. He's on the ground! Defeated! There's also a Lucario standing over him looking triumphantly victorious, but that must be coincidence. Clearly he's just happy about how awesome my kung fu was. The Alien meanwhile, struggles to his feet and takes off for his ship. "You'll regret this!" He screams, sloshing back through the grimer pits. "You'll be invaded by the worst enemy you farmers can possibly imagine! Millions, no, Trillions of them!" My intern looks at me fearfully. Poor guys only been here a week or two. "What's coming?"

"The absolute worst." I reply, taking a pair of magically appearing sunglasses out of my pocket and putting them on while staring into the distance, "Rabid baby squirrels."

Time: 13:00
Location: BFBU defense control tower.

I stared out at the silver ships hanging in the distant sky. They were beginning to release their payload: great masses of baby pachirisus, each of them slightly mutated to be extremely rabid. "Baby pachirisus on the horizon!" I call out, alarming the others that the attack on the farms were starting.

"Pachirisu - the electric squirrel pokemon.It makes electric fur balls and-"

"Turn that pokedex off already!" I snap at the intern. We didn't have time for the details. I needed to watch if our defenses were going to hold up against this onslaught. The first ones to go off would be a two part trap. Yes, I could see them now. As the rabid baby squirrel ran over each other toward the headquarters, large cut outs of Disney princesses, each equipped with a music box playing an overly catchy Disney tune, popped out of the ground. This was the perfect distraction. Even if they were rabid squirrels, the baby inside of them could never resist the pull of a disney princess. The small animals massed over the cutouts, triggering the second part of the trap: an explosion of liquid. To be specific, coffee. Black, no sugar added coffee. The extreme change from the disney princesses to the hot, bitter drink for working adults would easily knock out the babies, yes I could see many of them fainting now from the very smell of the coffee as it exploded outward like a bitter brown water balloon. Hopefully the lingering smell would deter some others as well.

Still, as effective as the disney-coffee combo was, we needed more. It was time to send out the music mayhem squadrons. Releasing the signal, several groups of people and pokemon headed out of the main gate. Each group was separated into its own "band." It was quite the spectacle. One of the groups, the heavy metal band, headed out with guitars so large I was surprised they could even carry them. The unrelenting screeching that they called music seemed particularly effective on the babies squirrels. Though occasionally the band would take a break from playing and just wack a few with the instruments themselves. Or maybe they were practicing smashing the guitars for the stage. Well, whatever works. Another group -made up of carnivines and weepinbells- were singing lullabies, lulling the babies to sleep. It took quite a while to set this group up, Apparently there'd been a fair number of injuries reported on the singing teachers who worked with the plant pokemon. I never really under stood why though- oh. Oh the plants were taking a break and eating the baby squirrels whole. They seemed to quite like the taste too because it took them several minutes to stop eating and go back to singing the babies to sleep. well... whatever works.

"They're attacking from the sky!" A report came in.

"Lieutenant what's going on?" I call out.

...

...

... "Lieutenant?"

"Oh... sorry boss I just have a really bad stomach ache. Urgh... I think it was something I ate. Anyway, uh, There's a multitude of emolgas falling from the sky."

[i]"Emolga, the electric flying squirrel pokemon-"

I shut off the pokedex with an annoyed sigh and send out a message to the rocket squad. "Launch the silly missiles!" I command, and look back out of the window at the squirrels now raining from the sky. They'd be hard to deal with if they landed successfully, so we'd knock them out of the sky first. Once the rockets go off... any minute now.. aaaannyyyy minute noooowww....

"Rocket squad where are my missiles??"

"Hold on boss, we gotta do the math! Come on, what's the derivative? No, you gotta use this equation and put it into that one. Don't forget to adjust for the wind." And the height. "how many variables do we have accounted for? Oh right don't forget to square the speed of their sideways movement as well as the explosion force... Yes there we go, now just double check it all real quick-"

"JUST LAUNCH!" I yell over the walkie-talkie.

A moment later several rainbow can-like missiles launched into the sky. As they neared the falling squirrels the cans exploded, throwing a large net-like mesh of silly string all over the squirrels, tying them up and knocking them out of the sky before they could land properly. I'd have to assign a crew to clean up the rainbow silly string rain that fell from the explosions. Hopefully we can keep the pokemon from trying to eat them this time.

Time: 1800
Location: Guard tower mess hall

With the rabid baby squirrels finally defeated by our combination of princess coffee bombs, metal mashing bands, singing/squirrel eating plants, and silly string missiles, I was finally able to take a break and grab something to eat. My lieutenant had hobbled off to the infirmary still clutching his stomach, leaving his half finish microwave lunch in the mess hall. Just the sight of it got me hungry for something simple myself, so I ordered the same oran berry mash and sat down in front of the cafeteria tv to eat. It was fairly nice to reminisce on today's success. Though of course the musical chairs tournament would have to be redone, but oh well. It was a good day.

Time: 2200
Location: Infirmary

At least, it was a good day until I found out the microwave dinner had given me food poisoning. It was going to be a long night, and there wasn't even going to be any squirrels this time.

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Got all 12 in there! This was great!