PXFire-- Creative Writing

[LKWayvern]

Thank you for your patience.

This round, I decided to alter how points were distributed, giving more to Originality and less to Spelling and Grammar.

The Nugget Bridge Between Good and Evil

Username: Cleobel
Team: Agents of the Shadows
Entry: The Nugget Bridge Between Good and Evil

Commentary and Scoring:

Spoiler:

Commentary

Spoiler:

:

Ah, yes. The Nugget Bridge. I remember this.

One grammar-related thing. When a sentence is ended with an ellipsis, question mark, or exclamation point followed by a closing quotation mark, you don’t have to follow it up with another comma.
So, it would just be ‘“Want to join?” he offered.

Hm. I can see you taking my advice from before, and I can see now how you’re incorporating the flipping of morality and the love. You talk about how Leaf’s crush on the Rocket grunt makes her feel. And that’s good, because I can definitely see the improvement. But reiterating repeatedly that she was just attracted to him can get somewhat redundant. You described how her crush made Leaf feel, you can also explain why the grunt’s looks made Leaf feel that way. What does Leaf find attractive? Warm brown eyes, hair dyed in a unique color, a sort of ‘bad boy’ style?

Another thing. You tend to also list things a lot. Like I said before, there’s an improvement from last time. But in places like the traveling scene, you could say ‘They walked for hours, before finally arriving at…’
Or when Leaf described her team, instead of listing two moves each team knows, she could say ‘It took me hours to find Pikachu, and when I finally did the little scamp shocked me!’ or ‘In Mt. Moon some guy sold me a Magikarp, and Mankey kept picking on her because she just flopped around and couldn’t fight back. But after a lot of training she evolved, and now Mankey’s terrified of her!’ Giving more of a description shows off their moves, their personalities, and their relationships with their trainer.

I’ll admit, the ‘you’re just going to be a Team Rocket Grunt’ line amused me.

You also have a lot of characters announcing exactly what they’re going to do. That can sometimes make the dialogue feel somewhat robotic. When talking in real life, people don’t usually say “I see my friend Casey over on that street corner! I’m going to go talk to my friend Casey about the weather now! Hello, Casey! The sun is very hot! You seem overdressed for this weather!” Dialogue tends to be more along the lines of “Oh, hey, Casey. Why are you wearing long sleeves? It a hundred degrees out, are you crazy?” I’d recommend thinking about how you’d talk in everyday conversation, and convey other information through descriptions or through a character’s inner thoughts.

Hm. Interesting. Being able to practice both attacking and dodging/resisting at once, I like that.

Hm. I think there could be more of a climax in the scene where they steal the Dig TM. I think I recall the police arriving while the Team Rocket Grunt was still in the guy’s backyard in the original game. A gettaway with Pidgeotto would likely be possible, but you could also showcase more of Leaf’s team as well-- Perhaps an officer tries to attack with a team of Arcanine and Growlithe, but Gyarados sweeps them away with water, or an officer’s Pokemon tries attacking Ekans but Pikachu knocks it out with a powerful Electric attack. Maybe Leaf’s worried about word getting back to her mother that she’s joined a criminal organization now, but she sees how the Grunt doesn’t seem worried at all and thinks it’s really cool and brave and makes her keep liking him.

I can see improvement, but you still have a ways to go. That’s fine. Improvement happens steadily, rather than all of once. This is the last round of the PXFire Creative Writing Contest, but here’s something I’d like to recommend for you-- the next time you write fanfic or an original story, I’d like for you to write it out your way, and then go back and edit it. Make notes about what you liked, where you think you did wrong, how you think you can do better-- incorporating more detail, turning dialogue into thoughts or actions instead, and the like. And then use those notes to write a second draft. Some people can write really good stories with a single first draft. Everyone writes a better story when they have multiple drafts.


Originality:

I will admit that it’s rare that I see the Nugget Bridge brought up, and it’s really not very often that I see the trainer meant to destroy an evil team join up with that team.

Four points for Originality.

Characters:

This round you elaborated on why these characters were attracted to each other, physical appearance, and how they got together and the like. You have improved from the last round. However, your writing tends to be more plot-driven than character driven. Things seem to happen because the plot requires for them to happen, rather than because the characters are making decisions and impacting the plot. It’s certainly difficult to create multiple fully-fledged characters in one or two weeks, but something that might help you in character creation may be simply filling out a short form about who they are, and what they’re like. Simple stuff, such as what motivates them in this moment, what is their relationship with other characters and how much do they like the other characters, what things do they believe and what in their past might have influenced this? Perhaps Leaf believed adrenaline and fun in the moment were what motivated her, chose to become a trainer to pursue that rush, and chose to join Team Rocket because that would give her a rush while letting her be with that grunt.

Three points for Characters.

Coherency:

At no point was I confused about what was happening.

Six points for Coherency.

Spelling and Grammar:

A few errors that I noticed, but nothing that detracted from my understanding of the story.

One point for Spelling and Grammar.

Cleobel of the Agents of the Shadows gets 14 points total for their entry ‘The Nugget Bridge Between Good and Evil’

.Death Follows

Username[/u]: Coru
Team: Sabotage Squadron
Entry: Death Follows

Commentary and Scoring:

Spoiler:

Commentary:

Spoiler:

‘Situs Inversus’? Like a mirror image. How interesting.

Hm. There’s a musical I really enjoy called Next to Normal. It’s not very like this story at all-- it focuses on the parents, Diana and Dan Goodman, rather than their children. But the mention of wanting to live a normal life reminded me of it, since there’s the continued emphasis on striving for a normal life in it, and the daughter of the family, Natalie, is often ignored in favor of her brother.

In Next to Normal Natalie is definitely not the villainous sibling, though, so there’s one difference.

There is, however, one thing I’m wondering about with Morticia. That question being, why was she alone, teased by classmates, and the less favored child of her parents? In Next to Normal, this is a minor spoiler, but Natalie’s neglected because Diana has bipolar disorder, is still grieving the death of her firstborn after 16/18 years depending on the production, sometimes has hallucinations of said firstborn, and at one point in the play attempts suicide, meanwhile Dan is trying to support Diana and make their family appear ‘normal’, both parents having little to no time and energy for Natalie as a result. With Morticia, the reason for her classmates not being her friend… seems to be because she has no friends? Something of a circular paradox. I don’t think it has to do with Morticia’s medical conditions, because they affect both twins(including the Situs Inversus… I suppose that that’s the reason harming one twin harms the other as well?) So I’m curious if there was a certain incident or reason that made everyone love Adelaide or dislike Morticia. A behavior, or aspect of her personality.

“As if a pack of lions were just given fresh meat to consume at a zoo” For some reason, I just really like this analogy.

Creep into their room… And five years old, was that their age now? Now’s when the mental powers will manifest, and the murder begins, I predict.

Well, that’s certainly a traumatic way to discover mental superpowers.

...And how, pray tell, would a five year old girl defend herself from a murderer capable of breaking into a house and murdering two grown adults in their beds? This logic confuses me.

Huh. So I guess Adelaide’s powers manifested earlier, or were more powerful until when things began to turn around later on? I suppose that that explains why people disliked Morticia and loved Adelaide, and why people blamed Morticia for everything.

Two manipulators trying to control each other, and all those around them.

Originality:

I talked last round about good twins and evil twins. I will admit that I see two evil twins with similar powers less often. I did enjoy the twist about them both using their powers for very similar purposes throughout their lives. Not so different, after all.

Five points for Originality.

Characters:

I mentioned before that you could’ve gone further with confusing the audience over who the true villain was. I think you improved with that, here. Rather than there being a clear villain and hero, everything was quite morally ambiguous, especially after Adelaide using her powers since before Morticia discovered them was revealed. In your previous entry, I felt pity for Addie, however in this one… hm. I didn’t quite feel pity for either of them, because they both ended up willingly trying to manipulate all those around them. But I certainly felt something.

That being said, I feel the diary entry was perhaps a little over-the-top? It’s revealed that Adelaide was using her powers and responsible for Morticia’s misery, which I think was an excellent twist and explained a lot. However, it could have been revealed in a way other than immediately diving into monologuing and gloating. Perhaps Adelaide is frustrated by how her powers don’t seem to be working on her classmates, and confused by why her sister who doesn’t deserve this is suddenly so popular. Perhaps she could speculate that Morticia now possesses the same powers as her, and then talk about how it’s Adelaide that deserves this.

Five points for Characters.

Coherency:

There was a different sort of emotional build-up here to the last entry. In The Link, there was a sort of apprehension and anxiety about the nightmares and who the true villain was. But here, it was building up to when Morticia turned to darkness instead, and that final incident, the diary entry that pushed her over the edge.

Nine points for Coherency.

Spelling and Grammar:

No errors that I saw.

One point for Spelling and Grammar.

Coru of the Sabotage Squadron gets twenty points total for their entry ‘Death Follows’.

Fission

Username[/u]: K’sariya
Team: Avalon Apostles
Entry: Fission

Commentary and Scoring:

[spoiler]Commentary:

aaaaaAAAAAAA YES Princess Mononoke is my favorite Ghibli movie!

Again. I really love your prose. Like a lot.

Hm, is this Reshiram? It appears so.

I wonder. But ‘us killed’, does she mean their perfect, united form? Or does she mean a literal death? I do like the distinction between what it was the two kings and their respective dragons wanted. The realist and the idealist.

And now Kyurem! And again-- not so different. I like it when that comes into play.

Hm. So, did Kyurem take Kichonne in as a ward, as penance, then?

And now the last of the trio. I wonder how you’ll write him. He seems to be an optimist…

...I really liked Zekrom’s little scene there. His admiration and optimism, tempered by Reshiram’s warning and caution… and how her words proved correct.

Oh. This scene. I remember this moment.

Okay, so we’re going with Black/Black 2’s world. Also, this scene is making me feel things.

Aaaaaaaa Zekrom no…

Quite often, I see the Legend Duos(Groudon/Kyogre, Dialga/Palkia, Reshiram/Zekrom, Xerneas/Yveltal) only seeming to hate each other and clash and quarrel. Seeing Reshiram and Zekrom having a positive relationship that reads to me like siblings is really refreshing.

I enjoy when passages come back as reprises or echoes.

Recently I’ve been reading the Elric Saga by Michael Moorcock, which also talks a lot about balance-- more the balance between Law and Chaos, though. Life for life is an interesting way to think about it-- but rarely a fulfilling way. I suppose it’s the reason behind vengeance, but vengeance doesn’t truly repair damage done. In some scenarios it does prevent further damage.

I like Kyurem being extremely grey, and anti-hero-- he seems to regret mindlessly consuming before. He fears what bits of himself he sees within Necrozma. He tries to strive for the greater good, by returning the sun to the sky through freeing Solgaleo. But he still brings about destruction. Through his fault or Ghetsis’, Necrozma is still dead. Through his fault, Kichonne’s mother is still dead. And through whoever’s fault, Reshiram’s being consumed piece by piece too.

When she is totally consumed, I wonder if they’ll truly be whole again, and be together, or at the very least, have closure?

Again, it sort of reminds me of the Elric Saga. I’m unsure if you’ve read it or not. But basically the protagonist is meant to bring balance between Law and Chaos, and he fights with a sword called Stormbringer meant to bring about the end of the world someday. Elric himself is physically weak, and only capable of fighting because every time Stormbringer kills, it absorbs the soul of the fallen foe and grants Elric some strength-- and sometimes Stormbringer has a mind of its own and kills people Elric would really prefer to remain alive. And Kyurem totally absorbing Zekrom, and absorbing Reshiram little by little, reminded me of that.

As a side-note, I would absolutely read a series about your Legendaries.

Originality:

Most of what I covered last round still applies here.

Five points for Originality.

Characters:

Really really loved the characters. I adored the relationship between Reshiram and Zekrom, and between Reshiram and Kyurem. The love between the duo, and Kyurem acknowledging what he sees in Necrozma that he also sees in himself, and he and Reshiram reluctantly fusing out of what they felt was necessity. The trio’s complicated feelings about fusion in general, and how they seem to love the idea of being whole in the past. Your Arceus felt more like a force incarnate rather than a flesh and blood Pokemon, which I suppose fits what you were going for, him being pure balance rather than deigning to pick a side.

Nine points for Characters.

Coherency:

I loved loved loved the flow of this. It’s composed of different scenes from different points in this world’s timeline, but the emotional buildup kept increasing at a steady pace, seeming to explode and reach a climax when Reshiram fought Black Kyurem, and come to a closure, though not necessarily a happy one, with the final scenes.

At times I was a bit confused about what was going in scenes at the very beginning, the only one where I had to go back and reread was the beginning of the fight between Kyurem controlled by Ghetsis and Zekrom.

Eight points for Coherency.

Spelling and Grammar:

No errors that I could see.

One point for Spelling and Grammar.

K’sariya of the Avalon Apostles gets twenty three points for their entry ‘Fission’.

Untitled

Username: evanfardreamer
Team: The Order of the Sun
Entry: Untitled

Commentary and Scoring:

Spoiler:

Commentary:

Spoiler:

Court proceedings? A trial of some kind? And a war? Interesting.

Also, the second story to involve Team Rocket. Almost all the entries this round are Pokemon.

Ah, bankruptcy.

Giovanni originally being the CEO of a firework company? Interesting.

Aaaaaaaand I’m left unsurprised that the creditors took all that money. Wherever shall they get more? It’s not as though this is a foregone conclusion or anything. I kid, I can guess where more money will come from.

Ah, the Rocket Casino.

It was your money, true, but a summer home is less valuable to you than food and rent is to them, I’d wager.

I do wonder though who the war was with. Likely another region. War’s not something mentioned often in Pokemon-- there was the war 3000 years ago in Kalos, the war between the two brothers in Unova. I think a war was mentioned in Lucario and the Mystery of Mew? But any wars mentioned in Pokemon took place in the extremely distant past, the only one I can recall that has a date to it was three millennia ago. It is a fairly peaceful world. I don’t think they’d really be prepared for war in the present-day Pokemon regions.

Oh, hey, Silver.

Yeeeeeeeeees Silver and Swinub are cute.

So THAT’S why Team Rocket has so many dang zubat!

U1:
O: 6
C: 9
C: 7
SG: 1

Originality:

I know there have likely been fanfictions of the backstory of Giovanni and the rise of Team Rocket before. However I did find this one specifically quite interesting. A war in Kanto bankrupting multiple businesses does make sense. It explains some things, allows for the audience to fill in other gaps, and leaves a few more things more open-ended.

Six points for Originality.

Characters:

Team Rocket isn’t typically a team that captures my attention, especially since I’m not an especially big fan of the anime. However I greatly enjoyed your characterization of Giovanni, his interactions with his family and with his colleagues.

Nine points for Characters.

Coherency:

Similar to Coru’s entry, this was something of a foregone conclusion. We knew that Team Rocket would be created, however what was interesting was how we got there. I really enjoyed seeing the future Rocket admins, and seeing the ‘seeds’ of what would occur in the future, like the casino, hunting for Clefairy in Mt. Moon, giving zubat to the grunts. I am curious where things started going sour, when Giovanni and his team decided it was acceptable to begin stealing or to create bioweapons like Mewtwo, or if this is an entirely different alternate universe in which Team Rocket never went astray. The ending seemed rather open-ended in that regard, which I liked.

Seven points for Coherency.

Spelling and Grammar:

No major errors that I could see.

One point for Spelling and Grammar.

Evanfardreamer of the Order of the Sun gets 23 points total for their entry.

Untitled

Username: Shruikan
Team: Avalon Apostles
Entry: Untitled

Commentary and Scoring:

Spoiler:

Commentary:

Spoiler:

Ah, Cinderella. But with dragons. Yes, good, excellent. But it seems it’s one of the stepsisters who’s the one being mistreated and abused, if I understand correctly?

Hm. I wonder if Ashe refusing to grieve and let go is contributing to her anger at Dusk. Regardless of the cause of her actions, those actions are wrong and I’m glad Hope is punishing Ashe when she does step out of line. Ashe could have asked Dusk to give back her mother’s bracelet instead of attacking her.

Also, I like Hope thus far. I’m curious about what Ashe’s father is like, though. He doesn’t seem to be present.

Ah. It appears a ghost in a certain willow tree disagrees with Hope’s parenting.

Boy, you had one (1) dance with this lady, and didn’t even know her real name, and already you declare her the love of your life.

And I suppose that that goes two ways. Ashe/Cinderella didn’t know him either. I suppose she found his status attractive, mostly? Trapping him in a hand mirror is certainly a new twist. I’m glad that after a time she showed her true colors, rather than the prince remaining enamored with her.

Ah, yes. Fire. The answer to all our unasked questions.

Well, there is a proper ending, I think. Magenta and Luna are free. The antagonist and her magic won’t harm anyone else. Perhaps not a happily ever after with a royal wedding and fanfare, but still closure of a sort.

Be more confident in your writing, you were rushed, true, but I did enjoy it as a story.

U2:
O: 5
C: 9
C: 5
SG 1

20

Originality:

I love dragons as much as the next person, however beyond the tree being set on fire, I don’t see much difference that their species ultimately made. I did greatly enjoy the twist on the tale with Ashe being the villainous one and the stepsisters being the ones being abused, verbally, by Ashe. It also seemed to me that the point of view character was Hope, and I can’t recall ever seeing the stepmother, wicked or otherwise, as the viewpoint character.

Five points for Originality.

Characters:

I did greatly enjoy the relationship between Hope and her daughters, and especially the interactions between Hope and Ashe. I thought that Hope was a wonderful character, likely my favorite in the story, and I was curious about her relationship with Ashe’s father, and what Ashe’s mother was like in life.

Ashe’s character I found interesting. There were parts of her I liked, however as I stated earlier, I feel her relationship with her mother could have been expanded upon-- if it was purely her lashing out in grief and anger against Dusk, if she would have acted like that regardless with less of an excuse, if her mother would have encouraged that sort of behavior, and the like, and what Ashe remembered fondly about her mother. I also wonder what Hope knew about Ashe’s mother.

Nine points for Characters.

Coherency:

It was a disappointment you could not complete the story. I believe what you had written flowed nicely.

Five points for Coherency.

Spelling and Grammar:

Nothing egregious.

One point for Spelling and Grammar.

Shruikan of the Avalon Apostles gets 20 points total for their entry.