PXFire-- Creative Writing

[evanfardreamer]

So uh. What time on the 15th? My brain is done for the day, I'm about 60% on the story.

[LKWayvern]

So uh. What time on the 15th? My brain is done for the day, I'm about 60% on the story.

2 pm PDT(Los Angels), 5pm EDT(New York), 10pm BST(London), 7am AEST(Melbourne)

[Coru]

Got my story done. Hoping it's ok. It doesn't have a lot of dialogue but I wanted it to be more about mood and atmosphere. It's a prequel to my week 1 entry, answering all the main questions you had when reading it and giving more backstory to the sisters and their past. It should hopefully give you another outlook on the two sisters and explain why Morty is how she is and also uncover some secrets Addie doesn't want anyone to know. It also gives hints to how the end of the first story ended after the cliffhanger but giving just enough for it to be open to the reader.
There's not much reference to mirrors in here but i'm hoping the symbolism that appears at the start will be enough as it sort of stays relevant throughout as their actions can be seen as mirror images at times. Also, the aspect of love I'm hoping loneliness and desperation for attention classes as love as it gets quite corrupted at the end haha.
Anyways, enough of me talking, here it is.

Death follows

Spoiler:

Everything seemed fine for Mr and Mrs Carter. That was until the day they got the news that their twin daughters had a rare newly found blood disease. Along with this, their bodies were direct mirror images of each other. Morticia’s organs were mirrored in her body. Situs inversus the doctors called it, but her parents didn’t care. It wasn’t any problem, it was just the blood disease that was their concern. Waiting nervously in the doctor’s office, they were told that this had never seen this before so they would need to keep an eye on the girls and note down anything of significance. The disease didn’t seem to have any effect on the girls but the Carter parents were still mindful that anything could happen at any point. After regular check-ups, by the time they were four, they were discharged as they discovered that the blood disease was just a rare mutation of the blood cells. The doctors had worried that the mutated blood could have damaged their brains during development but regular scans had shown that no such thing had happened. Relieved and happy to start their problem free normal life with their daughters, Mr and Mrs Carter said goodbye to the doctor for the final time and left the hospital. Their wish to have a normal life with their children was soon to be shattered.

Shortly after, the girls, Adelaide and Morticia had been enrolled into preschool. Adelaide was popular and had many friends, whereas Morticia was lonely and had no one to play with.
“Would anyone like to play dollhouse with me?” Morticia asked the girls at her preschool.
They all giggled to each other and ran over to Adelaide. Upset and Alone, Morticia slumped towards the Dollhouse and played alone, silently crying. Her only friends were Bertie and Henrietta, the dolls she affectionately named when she first played with them. At the end of each day, Morticia would slowly walk out of the playground to her parents with a large fake smile while Adelaide would run out beaming and jump into the arms of their father.
“What did my favourite daughter do today?” He would always ask Adelaide.
Not even at home did Morticia get the attention that she had been denied everywhere else. Her parents were always asking Adelaide questions about her day and praising her for her good counting and labelling. When it came to Morticia’s turn, although she did much better, they would give an unenthusiastic “Well done” and walk off as soon as they had finished, as if spending time with her was a chore.
On their 5^th birthday, they had a joint birthday party and all their preschool friends were invited. It was held at the local play dome filled with brightly coloured slides and ball pits, climbing areas and mazes. A child’s dream. Both girls were mesmerised. Immediately as they all got there, the children ran to play whilst the parents sat at the side gossiping to each other about work colleagues and neighbours.
“Look at her, playing all on her own!” Said Henry, one of their classmates, referring to Morticia.
He, and a group of four other children, laughed and pushed her over as they went past. Angry, Morticia got up and stormed over to the maze and hid. She found a dark corner behind some mirrors in the maze and began to cry. She couldn’t even get a break on her birthday. She sat there and cried for 15 minutes until her sister and her friends approached, listening to the crying.
“Is that Morticia? Crying all alone?” One girl said.
“I think so, why doesn’t she get some friends.” Another said back.
The girls giggled. Morticia heard and peeked out from behind the mirror. She saw a group of five girls, including her sister all looking down at her, smiling. Afraid, she gripped the edge of the mirror tightly, making marks in the soft child-proofed edging.
“Let’s go, don’t want to get weirdo germs from her.” The first girl said.
At that moment, they all turned around, laughed and walked off. Adelaide looking back as if she felt sorry for her sister, but she had done nothing to stop it and stick up for her sister.

After a brief moment, they all heard Mrs Carter shout, “Children, it’s food time!”.
As if a pack of lions were just given fresh meat to consume at a zoo, all the children from all across the play dome ran towards the food area with a loud clambering of feet, Morticia not included. Morticia glumly trailed towards the table, pretending she was happy. When they all got to the table, two cakes were wheeled out. One for Morticia and one for Adelaide. Even the cakes made it seem like they cared more about Adelaide. It was a cake of a large royal tiara on bright pink plump pillow with princess written at the bottom. Adelaide’s face lit up with delight.
“Is that my cake Daddy?!” She exclaimed.
He nodded at her, smiling. Morticia’s however was glum. The icing partially cracked, the tiara wonky, the pillow drooped and collapsed with half the letters missing from the word princess. Another reason for her to feel like they didn’t care.
Morticia had had enough. She needed to teach her parents a lesson. Make them care about her. They were starting Grade School a few weeks later so she wanted it all to change for then. A fresh slate. As a five year old, you shouldn’t have to feel these things, you should be loving and learning, but Morticia was advanced. She was smarter than anyone in her preschool and therefore able to comprehend more. She knew she had to make her parents notice her so she had a plan. That night, she would creep into their room and ask to sleep in their bed because she had a nightmare. They would have to let her and it would force them to notice her and maybe change all of this. She used this idea to power through the rest of the day. It was filled with disappointment and more teasing but when it was over, Morticia was relieved. Ready to begin her plan.

It was night time. The house was so dark that Morticia could barely see. She stumbled slowly over to her parent’s room. She walked in and stood at the end of their bed. Able to see their silhouettes in the bed, she exclaimed. “Mommy, Daddy, I had a nightmare. Can I sleep in your bed, I’m scared.”
“No Morticia.” Mrs Carter said half asleep.
“Go back to bed, it’s late and you’ve had a long day.” Mr Carter said muffled by his pillow.
She couldn’t believe it, they completely ignored her still. How could they?
“Stop ignoring me!” Morticia shouted, getting ferociously angry.
“I just wish they would learn their lesson!” Morticia thought, furiously.
At that moment, they got up, both still looking half asleep and they began scratching at each other and attacking each other. They didn’t say a word, just faced each other and attacked. Morticia didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what was happening and why they were doing that. She began to think she fell asleep and this was a nightmare. She just stood there, watching, frozen.
With all the ruckus, Adelaide was woken and she fumbled across the hallway to the doorway of the room. By that point, the sheets were stained red, their parents barely alive. She gasped in shock and Morticia turned. Ashamed and afraid, Morticia ran and hid behind the bed. It was dark enough for her to not be seen by Adelaide. After what seemed like an eternity, Morticia heard Adelaide, crying, scamper back to her room. At this point the ruckus on the bed had stopped. The only sound you could now hear was a dripping sound of something hitting the wooden floorboards. Morticia took the chance to slowly creep back into her room and pretend she wasn’t there. She hid under her covers, hugged Bertie and Henrietta, the dolls she took from preschool and cried. No one would believe that a five year old did this, even if she didn’t mean to. She just had to pretend it was someone else. It wouldn’t be hard but she pretended she was fine a lot longer than this.
That was how the lie was created. A lie to protect both the girls, one through fear and another through shame. One that would disintegrate and cause the two to clash and cause mutual destruction.

Morticia tried to keep her powers under control, but it was hard. All through grade school and middle school she was bullied with no end. She never caught a break and like her parents, her family was no better. They blamed her for what happened. They blamed Morticia being a ‘failure’ as a reason for the event happening, for why they didn’t defend themselves from the ‘attacker’. Why couldn’t they just love her and give her attention?
They cycled through five family members until they were 18 but all died mysteriously. Morticia had an input in all of them. As she got older and became a teenager, her rage grew stronger and it became harder for her to control her powers. She didn’t mean to do any of it, but it was as if another person was in there and was unleashed whenever she was mad. All she could think about was being normal, having a loving family and how ashamed she was she had ruined it for her sister. Once they began high school she was sick of being the lonely one, so she used her powers to manipulate people, she made herself popular and made her sister become the lonely one. It wasn’t done through hate, but done through revenge. She wanted her sister to feel how she had felt her whole life. Maybe if it balances out, it would all sort itself out. This was the first time she felt this power and she didn’t want to give it up. Adelaide’s life had been turned around. Suddenly becoming unpopular, she fell onto her sister for support. Morticia, playing dumb would comfort her and make her feel better, wondering why she had never done this in return years ago. And so, Morticia’s new life of manipulation and happiness had begun.

After their last family member died in a car accident, the girls were put in a safe house. At 18, they were capable of living by themselves and they had grown fiercely close. One night, Morticia had found out a dark secret. A secret that would poise her against her sister forever. Curious, whilst Adelaide was in the shower, Morticia snooped through her diary. She found one entry that broke her heart. It explained what happened her whole life, and that Adelaide had kept a huge secret from her even darker than her own. The diary read:

Dear Diary,
Today Aunt Dahlia bought me my first phone as a gift for getting an A in my homework paper. I knew it would work. Everyone is wrapped around my finger, everyone except Morticia. Poor Morticia has no idea that it’s all down to me what is happening. Even though I started out not knowing I was doing it, now I will never stop. Using my powers to control everyone to love me gives me control, and taking it all away from my sister and watching her crave attention and live in despair gives me joy. However, I feel she may be onto me. At school people are turning on me, my powers don’t seem to be working and Morticia is now getting attention. I will give her some time to be happy and then snuff that out. I’m the only one that deserves this. I’m the one with the power, not her.
I’ll update you on my challenges.
Addie xx

Morticia couldn’t believe her eyes. All of this, all her pain, it was all down to her sister. Her murders of her family were all directly due to the manipulation her sister had done to her and everyone around her. Adelaide was the real reason their parents were dead, and Morticia could never forgive her.

In a fit of rage Morticia left a note on top of Adelaide’s diary, left the room and began to plot her revenge.

Hello sister,
I read your entry about me. Interesting. Your manipulation is truly the worst thing I’ve had to find out, and that’s saying something with the live we have had to live through.
Watch your back, sister, your narcissistic reality will soon be shattered.
Let me know if you are ever free to apologise. I would love to see what you have to say.
No love, from Morty.

Morticia had a plan. Adelaide was to be her final victim, but she was going to be slow, pretend she had gotten over it, and then strike at the least suspecting moment. Adelaide was going to feel all the pain that she delivered to her sister, after all, she created the monster that calls herself Morticia. It would all start with the nightmares. Slowly revealing the truth, and when the truth would be revealed, all would be over.
Looking at herself in the mirror, Morticia smiles menacingly, this was the moment she had been waiting for, to release all her anger toward her sister, and no one would ever know the truth.
Author's note: "The Link" takes place roughly 6 months after the final events here. The twin telepathy was discovered between the end of here and start of then as they both only found out they had the same power at the end of this story.

[K'sariya]

Whew. This was cutting it close—been out of town. It turned out alright, though.

Story spoilers/comments:

Spoiler:

I don’t know if you’ve ever watched Ghibli’s Princess Mononoke, but it’s one of my favorite renditions of how a god of life and death acts and behaves—I’ve adopted that here for Arceus, a god that opts not to choose a side, but acts in the balance of life and death.

The driving force of love here is a little different, and a little up to interpretation—it’s could be some sort of romantic love, or some sort of sibling love, or even some sort of nostalgic love, a love for the way that things once were.

Fission

Spoiler:

She wakes in the darkness. The first thing she does is step carefully out into the night. Icy eyes turn upward just in time to see a sliver of the moon, curled like a slender talon, emerge from behind murky clouds.

Good. The sun and the moon were not gone—yet.

The white dragon turns silently back, stepping beneath the flame-scarred lips of the hollow.

She treads into the depths of the cave, and as she does, the roughness of the charred walls slides into something smoother, glossier. Pale feathers of clawed wings brush against the cool, reflective rock until it runs cold, where the black turns to deep blue ice.

They’d been whole, once, as one being, their essence fused so continually that you couldn’t tell where one began and the other ended, twirled together like the very genetic fabric that crafted the world. They’d been created them this way, a perfect balance between light and dark, perpetually intertwined, between them a million shades of greys as complex and vast as the universe around them.

They’d created this together, with their combined strength, their combined energy, their combined life, to shelter the twin human heroes blessed by Arceus to help guide them as they created Unova. With the older sibling, she wanted to create a kingdom. With the younger, he wanted to create a utopia.

Back then, if you were to ask Reshiram, she would say that it was the humans who ripped them apart.

It was her truth.

If you asked Zekrom, he would say that it was only the humans who could have brought them back together.

It was his dream.

You fool, she thinks, gazing into the ice. Draconic muzzle is twisted not with anger, but sorrow. You got us killed.

***

He understands Necrozma’s hunger. As he gazes into the whirling flames, he sees himself in the light-devouring beast. He knows the feeling of being empty, of taking everything in his path in the hope that something he ate along the way would fill the void.

Every legend has some grain of truth in it. Lacunosa’s, of a monster coming from the mountain to devour wandering Pokemon, had more than just a grain.

When Reshiram and Zekrom had torn themselves apart, he had been the husk that had been left behind, empty and hungry and alone. He stares at the ravenous creature spun into the surface of the flames until its gaze turns toward them. Yellow eyes meet crystalline blue through the portal.

Kichonne reels with a gasp, fiery wheel slamming shut as she falls back. Ice surges behind her, catching her, and in the dark, glowing eyes meet hers.

Your mother was the first to fill the void, he thinks, and you were the first to suffer. There’s no sadness in the thought. He gives the order to summon Reshiram. Kichonne stares back, coldly.

***

Zekrom had loved the boy, the twin who dreamed in ideals. He loved the human race, he loved their passion and their faith, no matter how sometimes misguided they were.

”They will always doom themselves,” she warned him, but not to hurt him. She wanted to save him.

”Perhaps,” he’d answered, electricity crackling softly between his black wings, as it always did when the was thinking. ”But they have a drive that we do not, a passion. There are some that use that fire to destroy… but those who use it to save, save with the passion of a thousand suns. Those are more powerful than any of us gods.”

She wrinkled her nose, fire whisking from her nostrils at the notion, but doesn’t fight him on it. There was an electricity in those eyes—they were crimson, burning with the imprint of fire she left on him when they split—that meant that he wouldn’t be talked down. When he was like his, there was no fighting him.

It was only a week after that the humans he loved betrayed him.

***

Hulking titan of ice gazed hungrily forward. Gloved hand rested on the beast’s wings, wings shattered by the power of the DNA Splicer fused into Kyurem’s very flesh. Opelucid laid silent around them in its glacial grave.

Blue lightning forked across the tumultuous ash sky, booming so deeply that it shook the very ice laid onto the buildings around them. If humans were lightning, then Zekrom was the thunder that chased them like a faithful hound.

“You musn’t,” the dragon rumbled as he landed, thick-plated wings lowering, electricity hopping fervently between them. Round cone tail glowed with soft blue stripes of energy. Three-clawed feet clenched into the ice. The first layer crumpled like paper beneath him.

“Zekrom. It’s a pleasure, really.” The drawl washigh, venomous, slipping from lips paled by the cold. Long hair, beige with a touch of poisonous green, draped down his shoulders, heavy with frost. Styled locks swept back and up across his ears on both side, accompanied by a single standing lock at the top of his head, like a three-pronged crown. Ghestis reached up to adjust the crimson-lensed optic fixed on his right eyes, his gaze honing in on Zekrom’s claws clenching beneath armor-plated bracer.

You’re better than this, Ghestis. Voice was low and growling. It was thunder.

The man, cloaked in a thick cape split between deep purple and paled yellow and stitched with red-pupiled eyes, couldn’t contain his chuckle. “You are too trusting, Zekrom, really.” The Team Plasma emblem, emblazoned in electric blue against monochromatic shield on his gem-laden shoulder piece, caught Zekrom’s eye as Ghestis stepped forward. Gaze quickly drew across to follow the human’s hand as it trailed up the ice dragon’s neck.

Kyurem’s eyes glowed a fierce red, where once they had borne yellow. Zekrom’s jaw tightened. “Last warning: let him go.” Large tail began to burn more fiercely with brilliant cerulean plasma, electricity beginning to bridge down to it from his wings.

Ghestis stepped away from Kyurem with a smirk. “As you wish.” Fingers clicked together in a sharp snap.

The ice dragon gave a thunderous roar. Wings twisted to thrust icicle-speared tips forward. Energy surged from them, and the way it flickered and forked like lightning sent chills down Zekrom’s spine.

Obsidian dragon lunged forward toward Kyurem, then feinted with thundering feet toward Ghestis at the final moment. Electricity burst from the tips of his claws and coiled about the splayed bracer above. Right arm thrusted forward, talons reaching, swiping at the last second for the Plasma king—in the same moment that Kyurem whirls, not missing a beat, to smash icy skull into the black behemoth’s side.

Something cracks within. Heavy body crashes to the ice, electric claws falling just short of landing their mark. He should have known—with Kyurem completely under Ghestis’ control, they were one entity. With a growling cough, he propped himself up and rose to his feet. Zekrom stares at the husk of what they once were, stripped of everything they’d once been.

He thinks of Reshiram, but doesn’t call to her. He has time. If he could just get to Ghestis somehow, even just for a moment, he was sure that he could get through to the good in him.

Paralyzing electricity discharged from his downed form. It rolled from him in waves. Kyurem stepped heavily forward between Ghestis and Zekrom. Clawed foot smashed down into the ice and it obeyed him, bursting beneath his feet and upward into a glacial barrier between them. Sparks crackled, then fizzled out against it.

Kyurem quietly raised his head, peering through the crystalline ice and into the warped image it presented of the beyond, searching for his opponent—his opponent who wasn’t there. Electricity hummed from above and the ice dragon swung his head upward just in time to see the black figure come crashing down, fist cocked back and brimming with energy. Head jerked back, but not quickly enough to miss the armored bracer. Thick plating shattered the ice of Kyurem’s nose, the damage streaking up the beast’s crown in spindly cracks. He roared and swung away in pain.

Zekrom reared back again, another Thunder Punch charging, but Kyurem swung his body to smash thick cone tail into the black legend’s side. The blow sent him thundering to the earth on his side. Within clawed fist, he charged a swirling ball of electricity, then blasted it toward his opponent as he struggled to his feet, but Kyurem was ready.

Ice dragon’s wings cocked forward, icy spikes pointed toward the blast as he faced it head on. Energy surged from the points, twisting into a writhing yellow ball of light. The striking bolt sunk into the orb—

—and didn’t emerge.

He realized it a moment too late. Before he could stop his own stream of lightning, the ball exploded into streaks of light. Zekrom pushed off of the earth and surged into the air, and the missiles of energy plunged after him.

They were faster than he was. His tail thrummed with brilliant blue lightning. Bolts streaked from it as the projectiles streaked near, managing to strike down a few, but the rest pulled forward.

Light arced around him. It looped around his shoulders and pulled him back and tightened around his ribs. It burned. It burned like no fire ever could have dreamed of burning. It ripped through his very being, and he felt like he was being torn apart as he began to fall.

“Zekrom!”

The cry came in his final moment. Crimson eyes rolled slowly to the white-feather figure gliding toward him. And he recognized that she had been right all along.

If he could do it all over again, he’d try to be less naive.

She screamed as his mind was stripped clean from his body, and as Kyurem devoured him.

***

Hulking figure crouched upright. Reshiram could see which parts were his clearly, like night and day—heavy left limb, plated in obsidian armor, and raised left wing coated in shadow, and most of all, the blue electricity that swirled around black tail.

Fire poured through the sky. She was a second sun, searing the ice wasteland frozen by the very beast that she’d created, that they’d created. She knew it wasn’t him, truly—she saw the glowing red eyes that weren’t the empty yellow they’d left behind—and yet she couldn’t help but feel betrayed. Like a falcon, her wings folded to her sides, and like a meteor burning with the heat of the atmosphere, she dove toward Ghestis and Kyurem.

Kyurem turned his gaze upward, eyes narrowed. The air around him froze, massive shards of ice materializing from the very moisture of the air, and then launched at her. She needed only to flick her head to the side to swirl the flame around her into the projectiles’ path. They melted with ease.

She would rip Zekrom back from them if it was the last thing she did.

Thick, glacial ice whisked in a dome over Ghestis as she impacted, claws tearing down into Kyurem’s back as she landed upon him, smashing him down into the earth.

”Give him back!” she roared, the fire that enveloped her melting the very ice upon Kyurem’s form. Steam rose, water pouring down the dragon’s form, moisture clinging to both of their bodies in the few moments before the fire burned it away. Glowing red eyes saw opportunity. Electricity whirred, then surged from his tail in a thunderous blast that split the sky with sound as it blasted into Reshiram’s chest.

The smell of burnt fur filled the air as it sent her flying. The flame about her faded as she laid, chest raw and gaping to the open air, body damp as she laid on the melting ice. Weakly, blue eyes turned toward Kyurem as he began to walk toward her.

Zekrom…

They’d been whole, once, as one being, their essence fused so continually that you couldn’t tell where one began and the other ended, twirled together like the very genetic fabric that crafted the world. She thought that maybe, this was the way things were meant to be, and that maybe, they’d be whole again if she let Kyurem take her.

A light glowed before her, and a figure materialized between them.

Heart dropped. ”You can’t,” she tried to manage, but her voice warbled with crimson in her lungs and bubbling up her throat. She pushes her thoughts toward him instead. ”You can’t, he’ll be lost. Ghestis will destroy him while he’s still inside.”

Golden hooves floated above the ice, the ice still melting in the fading heat that still trickled from her body. An upright ear flicked at her protest, but he did not respond.

Fury surged through her. She mustered the energy to raise her head, flame coiling between glistening teeth before blasting out toward him. His wispy tail twitched, swept it away like it was nothing.

”Don’t you dare do this,” she hissed in the confines of his thoughts. ”There has to be a way to get him back. Don’t you dare.”

”I must.” The voice that echoed back was deep, eternally calm. The calm only infuriated her more, but she could not coax her body to move. Her chest burned. The open air seared.

A part of her knew what had to be done. But she couldn’t stop thinking of the way Zekrom’s eyes had met her in that last moment. She held that moment close as she watched the golden-ringed god walk, unafraid, toward Ghestis.

Kyurem charged, ice building between his fangs. Emerald jewels embedded into the spike of Arceus’ golden ring glowed with energy, casting a bubble about him. The ice blasted toward him reflected away, up into the sky.

Ghestis stood beside the melting ice prison that had just barely saved him, a small, thin device held in his right hand. Even as Arceus turned toward him, he smirked, and pressed down on the screen.

Electricity surged about Kyurem’s form. The dragon roared in pain, crouching low to the ground as it arced about him. The dark obsidian plating began to recede, recoiling to reveal only ice on arm and wing and tail.

”Stop him!” she called, but Arceus was already trying. Thin sprouts sprung from the device’s seams, cracking it apart as it overgrew. But Ghestis laughed.

”You’ve been too late from the beginning, Arceus,” he rumbled. ”He’s already been gone, from the second that they fused. He’s devoured him.”

Arceus, unfazed, continues to stride forward. Ghestis’ resolve does not falter.

Gold-tipped muzzle tilts forward on long, slender neck. The black and white crest that flows behind him billows slowly in the breeze.

”Do it. Kill me, if it makes you feel like you have some sort of control. It’s already done.”

And so he did.

Ghestis felt only the softness of white fur before his body crumpled, the life drained from him. And as it did, Reshiram felt her own strength returning—the god did not pick sides; he picked balance, a life for a life. But it wasn’t the life she wanted to be saved.

The red glow faded from Kyurem’s eyes. The electricity around him fizzled out. The behemoth blinked, slowly, turned his gaze from side to side, before launching up and away, into the sky.

Reshiram’s roar of grief pierced the heavens.

***

”Reshiram.” She’s waken from her memories by the voice, one that she hasn’t heard in a long time. Lips purse.

”Yes?”

”He wants you.” The telekinetic voice is stiff, terse. Reshiram steps out, looks up at the sky. The sliver of the moon is gone. She snorts.

”Very well.”

***

Kyurem gazes steadily at Reshiram as she alights, features expressionless. Yellow eyes meet her blue ones. He knows when she lands that he already has her. The hunger within, always lingering, hums. Just as Kichonne has no choice but to serve him while there were still things he could take from her, Reshiram has no choice but to fuse with him if she wants to feel Zekrom again.

She merges with him again in hopes of feeling, even if for a moment, like they’re whole again, no matter how naive and idealistic that hope is. Twisting, tangling, their essence fused so continually that you couldn’t tell where one began and the other ended—

—and bit by bit, with every fuse, Kyurem consumes her.

fin.

[evanfardreamer]

Got mine done as well - woo hoo!

Spoiler:

During a break in the court proceedings, Giovanni gazed out the window at the devastation from the war Kanto had lost. Not physically – the buildings and plazas still stood but that merely hid the ruin. The streets were nearly empty, shops were shuttered, and the only knot of people stood outside the soup kitchen. His own company had done no better; in a few minutes he would return to the bankruptcy hearing, where the vultures would casually divide up the Enko Rocket company which he had built from nothing. Gunpowder had been mandated a critical supply by the government, and there was nobody left to buy the fireworks they couldn’t make anyway.

He felt a bump against his leg, caused by a pink Slowpoke trundling to look through the window as well. It brought the hint of a smile to his face, but it was enough to break the melancholy. “What do you think they’ll leave us, Proton?” he asked without turning around.

The other man stepped up beside his Slowpoke. His light hair almost looked green under the odd bulbs they used in the courthouse. “You know I still hate that nickname,” he replied. The shortest of the executive team and the most science-minded, a glib intern had first used called him that and it’d stuck. “I don’t think we’ll even get to keep the company name. Either way, we owe so much that we can’t possibly stay in business.”

Giovanni sighed, but he had known it was likely. He straightened his tie and smoothed down his suit jacket. “Then I guess we let them take the tooling, and see if they’ll let us use the cash reserves for final pay.”

Proton nodded. “I mean, they have to let us pay the workers. The bank freeze put us three weeks behind on paychecks, people can’t afford to not have that money.”

An hour later he was proved wrong. The creditors seized every physical, electric, or copyrighted asset the company had built up; even the small bit of operating money went towards paying their debts. The workers would get nothing from it. Ariana tried a last minute, tearful plea but the lenders must have had ice stones for hearts.

“Those workers aren’t just employees. They’re family,” she had said, a few wisps of red hair escaping from her bun. And it was true – most of them had been at the company for years, a few of them from the beginning. Making fireworks was dangerous, and they’d had a few accidents despite their caution – the shared danger had bonded everyone from the paper rollers to the executives themselves.

After the verdict they retired to one of the few coffee shops nearby still open; it catered mostly to the lawyers and judges of the courthouse. Missing from their number was Petrel who was occupied with an estate proceeding from his brother and would join them later. “I’m not sure what good it will do, but if we pool some of our own money, maybe we can do enough for our team,” Ariana suggested.

Giovanni nodded. “I was saving for a summer home, but that’s certainly not going to happen any longer. They’ll have what I can spare.”

“And from me,” Proton added. “Our people deserve at least that much.”

They figured out that even what they could spare would be less than half of what the employees were due, but when Petrel joined them he had another solution.

“When my brother was killed in the war, I was the only family left,” he explained. “He owned a gambling parlor in Celadon city that’s pretty run down, but maybe we can pay our team what we have and offer them jobs if they move there, to help make up the rest.”

Giovanni nodded. He had hoped to account for more than running a casino, but perhaps this could be turned to his advantage somehow.

***

What he didn’t account for was his wife’s attitude.

“That was going to be our vacation house!” she yelled at him through the bathroom door.

He had to make her understand. “Those people have run out of savings. They can’t even afford the tiny ration the government will let them buy.”

“Then they can find other jobs! That was our money!” she yelled back.

Why was she being so unreasonable? “This is just temporary. We are going to run a casino that Petrel owns. I know we can make more, and help my team as well.”

Silence for a moment, broken only by sniffles from the bathroom. “That’s really it, isn’t it. A casino, of all things. And your precious team. A bunch of grubby firework makers are more important to you than your wife!”

“Now that’s just preposterous,” he replied. “You know I love you.”

“If you loved me, you’d keep your promise to me and get that beach house!” she retorted.

Before he could respond, he caught a flash of red from the corner of his eye. His young son stood outside the open bedroom door, looking at Giovanni with confusion. The fire red mop of hair, inherited from his mother, and the silver eyes which had earned him a nickname already.

“Son, your mother and I are talking. Please go back to the kitchen.” The little boy didn’t move from his spot. With a sigh, Giovanni left the bathroom door and went over to him. “Son, please. I brought you home a special present. Don’t you want to know what it is?”

The boy nodded. “I will give it to you as soon as your mother and I finish talking. Please, go wait in the kitchen.” Finally his son turned, sticking a finger in his mouth as he wandered back towards the front of the house.

He returned to the bathroom door. “I promised you that vacation house, and in time we will have it. But I will not pay for it with the misery of the people who’ve given so much to help put us there in the first place.”

He heard no reply except the sound of the faucet as she started the shower running. Turning, he delivered an angry kick to the laundry hamper, toppling it to spill shirts and slacks across the carpet. He took a deep breath to calm himself, and went to find his son.

Sure enough the boy was at the kitchen counter, having just poured himself some juice. Reaching into a pocket Giovanni pulled out a red and white Pokeball. “Son, the surprise I brought you is a new friend. Do you want to meet him?”

The boy nodded solemnly. He’d inherited Giovanni’s serious demeanor, even in little things.

Giovanni pressed the button on the front of the Pokeball, and in a flash of light a small, furry lump appeared on the kitchen tile. It was tan with darker brown stripes and an oval, pink nose at the front. “This is a Pokemon called Swinub. It has one of my favorite types. Do you know which that is?”

His son pulled the finger from his mouth. “Gwound?”

With a smile, Giovanni knelt down. “That’s right, he’s part ground type. And he’s part ice type, too, so if the summer gets too hot he can help you keep cool. When you’re older you can take him out for Pokemon battles, too.”

“Nub,” the small lump added. It began snuffling about the tile exploring the kitchen.

“I think he’s hungry. Would you like to feed him?” The boy nodded, and Giovanni opened the fridge. Sure enough, a small carton of mushrooms was in the crisper and he pulled it out, handing it to his son.

The boy carefully took a mushroom from the carton and bent down to the small Pokemon. Smelling food, the Swinub turned around and opened its mouth wide – nearly as wide as it was! His son tentatively reached forward until the mushroom was in reach, and the Swinub happily gobbled it down. That finally brought a smile to his son’s face as he reached for more mushrooms.

Giovanni left them there, gathering his suit jacket as he went to the front door. Ariana was going to pick him up for their first trip to Celadon to see what the future held.

***

It was unimpressive. The Celadon Game Corner was dingy and worn, reeking of stale sweat and spilled beer. Paint was cheap, and new carpet would be the first order of business, he resolved. The lighting was poor, many of the machines were out of order, and the crowd was terrible – compulsive gamblers, mostly, with a scattering of despondent veterans and unemployed businessmen trying to get rich quick. None of them had.

“The sale of my brother’s house should be enough to pay for the renovations,” Petrel told them. “Not much more than that though.”

Ariana eyed a dying shrub in a gaudy ceramic pot. “This place needs more than fixing up. It’s barely making enough to keep the lights on. We need to find a way to get more people in here.”

“I had an idea on that,” Giovanni said. “Right now the people who have the most money, other than those blasted lawyers, is Pokemon trainers.” He pulled one of his own Pokeballs off the clip at his belt. “If we have rare Pokemon as prizes, we can get them to spend that disposable income on tokens for a shot at winning.”

“Where are we going to get rare Pokemon though?” Petrel asked. “I like the idea, but I think we’d spend more on getting them for prize winnings.”

Giovanni smiled. “Use our team. Several of them even took the gym challenge back in the day, but if we send four or five to Mount Moon to hunt for Clefairy, I’m sure they’ll come back with a decent haul to start with.”

Ariana laughed softly. “They probably will, I’m sure they’ll come back with an army of Zubat. What do we do with all those?”

“Why, give them to the other team members, of course,” Giovanni responded. “It’ll be a loyalty bonus for sticking with us. We have more people than we need to run this parlor; get everyone else to start learning about Pokemon. It’s a start, but I’m sure that’ll pay off for us down the line. They can hit the forests, the mountains, even the oceans finding rare Pokemon that trainers won’t want to track down themselves, and we can draw those in here.”

Petrel was nodding. “Yeah, I like it,” he said. “Archer was one of the shift foremen, and had a few badges. I’ll ask him who he thinks will be most helpful on this.”

“This will just be a setback for our team,” Giovanni said. “We will come out of this even stronger than before. No matter what we do, remember – Team Rocket will persevere.”

***

The house was dark when Giovanni returned home. The air was warm as he stepped through the door, and the gentle hum of the air conditioner was absent. “Dear? Are you here?” he asked, knowing that there would be no response. “Son?”

He went to the kitchen first, and an envelope on the marble counter caught his eye. There was no name on the front, but who else would it be for? He pulled a folded piece of paper from it and read the flowing handwriting.

“Giovanni,” it began. “When we married you promised to provide for us and give us a better life. You convinced my father you could support me, and our children. I don’t know if you can anymore, and I don’t want our son to see what you have become.

“We are going back to my parents. If you come to your senses, send us a letter. I hope you do so soon.”

She hadn’t even bothered to sign it. Angrily, Giovanni crumpled the letter and turned to throw it away when his boot bumped something that rolled across the floor. Reaching for the switch, he turned the kitchen light on and saw a small, red and white sphere.

He didn’t need to pick it up to know what it was, but he did so anyway. The heat of anger froze solid within him – she hadn’t even let their son take the Swinub with him. He felt calm for the first time in days, and a flash of his old determination.

Maybe she was right. Maybe he did love the team more than her.

Maybe that was enough for him. They would persevere.

[Shruikan]

This isn't done, but I don't want this to just go to waste, so here's the unfinished story. Pretty bad, but hey, at least it's something, right?

Spoiler:

“She’s just an ugly deformed freak! She should feel honoured at the chance to serve me!” Once again Ashe was fighting with her sisters. Well, stepsister’s to be more precice. Anfter her mother had died, her Father had remarried, this time to a widower who had two children of her own. Her younger stepsister Dusk had been born with a deformed wing, and to Ashe this made her one of the lowest forms of life.
“She’s no less normal than any other dragon!” Luna, her older stepsister shouted back. “If anyone’s a freak here, it’s you, little miss perfect princess. Just because your daddy spoiled you, you think you can boss around everyone else! Well, news flash, you aren’t a princess, you’re just a lowly peasant like the rest of us, and you always will be!”
At this, Ashe leapt at her stepsister, screeching with fury as she clawed at Luna.
“Stop this at once!” Hope, Ashe’s stepmother, swept in, pulling Ashe off her sister. Luna had a few scratches, and a few drops of blood trickled down her cheek, but she looked triumphant. “Ashe, go to your room at once!” Hope cried. The grey dragon glared at Hope for a moment, as if she was going to disobay, but then whirled and stormed off towards her cave, shooting a look of hatred at her Stepsisters along the way.

That night Ashe was forced to sleep in the kitchen as punishment. Lying amongst the cinders in the fireplace, the dragoness slept restlessly. Hope felt terrible about this, but had to remind herself to stay strong. Ashe’s action could not go unpunished.

In the night, Ashe once again crept out to the willow tree that signified her mother’s grave. Hope couldn’t make out what she said, but her stepdaughter spoke to it every night since her father had died. Hope felt a pang of sadness, and thought she was ashamed to admit it, a hint of envy, every time Ashe spoke to that tree. She knew she couldn’t replace her real mother, but she still lover Ashe just as much as her own dragonlings, and she hoped that someday Ashe would see her as family too.

The next day, a letter was delivered. Bearing the royal seal, it declared that his royal highness Prince Magenta was holding a ball, with the purpose of finding a suitable queen for his land. As such, all elligeble dragonesses in the kingdom were invited to attend.
“Invited to a royal ball? Me?” Dusk’s face was practically glowing with exictment. She spent the whole morning trying on different jewelry and gemstones, until she looked beautiful.
As she was dressing up, Dusk found a small box with a beautiful gold bracelet in it. Thinking nothing of it, she clasped it around her wrist and went on with her preparations. However, when Ashe saw her wearing the braclet, she screeched and lunged at her.
“That is my mother’s bracelet, you freak! How dare you think you have the right to even touch it! You don’t deserve any of this!”
With that, Ashe tore off the gold bracelet, then proceed pulling gemstones from the tiara and twisting the metal of he wing loops. Dusk cried out in pain as fear as Ashe ripped apart her outfit piece by piece, until finally, she stood in tattered remains, tears flowing as she fled to her cave.
Upon seeing what Ashe had done, Luna was enraged, and quickly went to confront her again, but as she stormed towards her stepsister, she ran into her mother first.
“How could you do such a terrible thing?” Hope was eaquely aghast and furious. What could posses a dragon to do these things to her own family?! “Luna, go and get Ashes jewelery; she’ll be lending it to Dusk tonight, as she won’t be going to the ball.”
“WHAT?! YOU CAN’T DO THIS!” Ashe yelled as Hope dragged her to her cave.
“I can and I am. Now don’t you dare set one foot outside this cave before tonight, or you’ll be in even worse trouble than you already are!”

Hope was still wondering if she’d done the right thing as they arrived at the palace. The ball was magnificent; banners and bunting of purple and gold, with the occasional hint of deep red draped the walls, while ice sculpture of various birds and animals were dotted around the room, along with strategically place refreshment tables, so that a dancer could pause and refresh themselves at any time. In place of a band, there was a whole orchestra, positioned just below the balcony in which the king’s throne was placed.
Dusk was looked as if she would faint from exitment. She glanced around eagerly, as her sister watched with a bemused expression. Luna had never been one to be outwardly fazed by the shows that royalty put on, but Hope could tell that deep down she was just as thrilled to be here as her sister.
As the orchestra began to play an upbeat tune, a dazzling looking dragon with bright blue scales accented by a kings ransom of silver jewelery bowed before Luna, extending one of his front claws. “Excuse me milady, but may I have this dance?”
Luna quickly stifled her surprise, then flicked her snout toward the cieling, looking haughtily down at him. “Very well, I will allow you the honour of being partnered with me, just this once.”

The ball went wonderfully. Dusk enjoyed it greatly, not even noticing the distainful looks she got from the other guests. It was nearing the end of the ball when the doorman announced:
“Drakes and Dragonesses, may I present, the Duchess Cinderella!” Many eyes turned to this newcomer. Though her scales were grey, she wore bracelets of diamond and gold, with anklets made of pure glass.
Hope’s eyes widened as she realised with horror that the newcomer was Ashe.

The prince walked up to her wordlessly extending her talon, which she took with a smirk. As they passed, Hope noticed that the princes eyes were blank and expressionless. “Cinderella” locked eyes with her stepmother, and she smiled triumphantly as she danced with the prince.

As the clock struck 12, “Cinderella” drew away from the crowds,
As she neared the entrance, she glaced around, then carfully removed one of her anklets, positioning it in the doorway so it was not underfoot, but looked as it it might have fallen as she left. The smiling to herself, she sauntered out the castle.

Early the next morning the cave was visited by several dragons.
“What are you-?” Luna began to ask, before six armoured guards pushed inside, followed by none other than prince Magenta himself.
“Your majesty,” Hope said, kneeling before the crown prince. ”What brings you to our humble abode?”
“I met the love of of my at the ball last night, but when I inquired into it, this Cinderella did not exist.” The princes voice was as emotionless as his eyes, which looked as the had the night before. “All I have of her is this glass anklet. This is a unique shape, and I have yet to see a dragoness it will fit; that will be the true princess I shall marry. And so, by royal decree, each dragoness in the kingdom must try it on.”
Ashe upon hearing this, pushed her way eagerly past her stepsisters. “It was I, my prince!” She cried, taking the anklet and placing in around he scales with ease.
One of the guards gasped. She’s a commoner. Look, she’s even covered in soot!”
“She is my love and my bride. The wedding shall be held tomorrow.” Magenta responded flatly. Luna looked on in outrage as Ashe smugly walked out with the crown prince and his entourage.

Over the next few days, news of princess Cinderella spread across the land. No-one knew why the prince had fallen for her. Then one day, the prince just dissapered.

*Didn’t have time to write this part: Cinderella finds the prince annoying and traps him in a hand mirror. She used magic given to her by the tree on her mother’s grave. Eventually, she returns to her old home to visit her mother’s grave, and get in another fight with her family.*

“I imprisoned Magenta, I can do the same to all of you!” Ashe’s eyes were crazed and bloodshot. She raised the mirror, pointing it at her Stepsister. Luna’s talons began to flicker, then her whole body dissapeared, as if it was sucked into the mirror.

*This part either, despite it’s shortness: Dusk sets the tree on fire*

The willow burst into flames, red hot tongues of flame licking at the leaves and turning the branched into ash. “NOOOO!” Ashe shrieked in rage and despair as she flung herself towards the burning monument. Hope cried out, reaching out to try and stop her, but she was too late, as the princess flew straight into the flames, batting at the branches and trunk, desperately trying to quench the fire that consumed her mother’s grave. She continued even as the fires spread to her own wings, almost as if she had been enchanted like the prince.

Hope took a step forwards, but the flames had grown too strong, scorching her wings before she could even begin to approach Ash’s now immobile body. Dusk stared wide eyed with horror. “I-I d-didn’t think she w-would…” Hope pulled her trembling daughter in and covered her face with one wing. “It’s all right. It’s not your fault.” She said in a voice as soothing as she could muster. Ahs she turned her face from the inferno.

The fire raged on for much of the night. By the time it had died down enough to approach, Ashe’s body was burned almost beyond recognition. The willow tree had been reduced to cinders, like the ones in the fireplace Ashe had slept in not so many days earlier. When the tree had died, all it’s magic had been undone, freeing Luna and Magenta from their prisons.

*And no proper ending either :/*

[LKWayvern]

Thank you for your patience.

This round, I decided to alter how points were distributed, giving more to Originality and less to Spelling and Grammar.

The Nugget Bridge Between Good and Evil

Username: Cleobel
Team: Agents of the Shadows
Entry: The Nugget Bridge Between Good and Evil

Commentary and Scoring:

Spoiler:

Commentary

Spoiler:

:

Ah, yes. The Nugget Bridge. I remember this.

One grammar-related thing. When a sentence is ended with an ellipsis, question mark, or exclamation point followed by a closing quotation mark, you don’t have to follow it up with another comma.
So, it would just be ‘“Want to join?” he offered.

Hm. I can see you taking my advice from before, and I can see now how you’re incorporating the flipping of morality and the love. You talk about how Leaf’s crush on the Rocket grunt makes her feel. And that’s good, because I can definitely see the improvement. But reiterating repeatedly that she was just attracted to him can get somewhat redundant. You described how her crush made Leaf feel, you can also explain why the grunt’s looks made Leaf feel that way. What does Leaf find attractive? Warm brown eyes, hair dyed in a unique color, a sort of ‘bad boy’ style?

Another thing. You tend to also list things a lot. Like I said before, there’s an improvement from last time. But in places like the traveling scene, you could say ‘They walked for hours, before finally arriving at…’
Or when Leaf described her team, instead of listing two moves each team knows, she could say ‘It took me hours to find Pikachu, and when I finally did the little scamp shocked me!’ or ‘In Mt. Moon some guy sold me a Magikarp, and Mankey kept picking on her because she just flopped around and couldn’t fight back. But after a lot of training she evolved, and now Mankey’s terrified of her!’ Giving more of a description shows off their moves, their personalities, and their relationships with their trainer.

I’ll admit, the ‘you’re just going to be a Team Rocket Grunt’ line amused me.

You also have a lot of characters announcing exactly what they’re going to do. That can sometimes make the dialogue feel somewhat robotic. When talking in real life, people don’t usually say “I see my friend Casey over on that street corner! I’m going to go talk to my friend Casey about the weather now! Hello, Casey! The sun is very hot! You seem overdressed for this weather!” Dialogue tends to be more along the lines of “Oh, hey, Casey. Why are you wearing long sleeves? It a hundred degrees out, are you crazy?” I’d recommend thinking about how you’d talk in everyday conversation, and convey other information through descriptions or through a character’s inner thoughts.

Hm. Interesting. Being able to practice both attacking and dodging/resisting at once, I like that.

Hm. I think there could be more of a climax in the scene where they steal the Dig TM. I think I recall the police arriving while the Team Rocket Grunt was still in the guy’s backyard in the original game. A gettaway with Pidgeotto would likely be possible, but you could also showcase more of Leaf’s team as well-- Perhaps an officer tries to attack with a team of Arcanine and Growlithe, but Gyarados sweeps them away with water, or an officer’s Pokemon tries attacking Ekans but Pikachu knocks it out with a powerful Electric attack. Maybe Leaf’s worried about word getting back to her mother that she’s joined a criminal organization now, but she sees how the Grunt doesn’t seem worried at all and thinks it’s really cool and brave and makes her keep liking him.

I can see improvement, but you still have a ways to go. That’s fine. Improvement happens steadily, rather than all of once. This is the last round of the PXFire Creative Writing Contest, but here’s something I’d like to recommend for you-- the next time you write fanfic or an original story, I’d like for you to write it out your way, and then go back and edit it. Make notes about what you liked, where you think you did wrong, how you think you can do better-- incorporating more detail, turning dialogue into thoughts or actions instead, and the like. And then use those notes to write a second draft. Some people can write really good stories with a single first draft. Everyone writes a better story when they have multiple drafts.


Originality:

I will admit that it’s rare that I see the Nugget Bridge brought up, and it’s really not very often that I see the trainer meant to destroy an evil team join up with that team.

Four points for Originality.

Characters:

This round you elaborated on why these characters were attracted to each other, physical appearance, and how they got together and the like. You have improved from the last round. However, your writing tends to be more plot-driven than character driven. Things seem to happen because the plot requires for them to happen, rather than because the characters are making decisions and impacting the plot. It’s certainly difficult to create multiple fully-fledged characters in one or two weeks, but something that might help you in character creation may be simply filling out a short form about who they are, and what they’re like. Simple stuff, such as what motivates them in this moment, what is their relationship with other characters and how much do they like the other characters, what things do they believe and what in their past might have influenced this? Perhaps Leaf believed adrenaline and fun in the moment were what motivated her, chose to become a trainer to pursue that rush, and chose to join Team Rocket because that would give her a rush while letting her be with that grunt.

Three points for Characters.

Coherency:

At no point was I confused about what was happening.

Six points for Coherency.

Spelling and Grammar:

A few errors that I noticed, but nothing that detracted from my understanding of the story.

One point for Spelling and Grammar.

Cleobel of the Agents of the Shadows gets 14 points total for their entry ‘The Nugget Bridge Between Good and Evil’

.Death Follows

Username[/u]: Coru
Team: Sabotage Squadron
Entry: Death Follows

Commentary and Scoring:

Spoiler:

Commentary:

Spoiler:

‘Situs Inversus’? Like a mirror image. How interesting.

Hm. There’s a musical I really enjoy called Next to Normal. It’s not very like this story at all-- it focuses on the parents, Diana and Dan Goodman, rather than their children. But the mention of wanting to live a normal life reminded me of it, since there’s the continued emphasis on striving for a normal life in it, and the daughter of the family, Natalie, is often ignored in favor of her brother.

In Next to Normal Natalie is definitely not the villainous sibling, though, so there’s one difference.

There is, however, one thing I’m wondering about with Morticia. That question being, why was she alone, teased by classmates, and the less favored child of her parents? In Next to Normal, this is a minor spoiler, but Natalie’s neglected because Diana has bipolar disorder, is still grieving the death of her firstborn after 16/18 years depending on the production, sometimes has hallucinations of said firstborn, and at one point in the play attempts suicide, meanwhile Dan is trying to support Diana and make their family appear ‘normal’, both parents having little to no time and energy for Natalie as a result. With Morticia, the reason for her classmates not being her friend… seems to be because she has no friends? Something of a circular paradox. I don’t think it has to do with Morticia’s medical conditions, because they affect both twins(including the Situs Inversus… I suppose that that’s the reason harming one twin harms the other as well?) So I’m curious if there was a certain incident or reason that made everyone love Adelaide or dislike Morticia. A behavior, or aspect of her personality.

“As if a pack of lions were just given fresh meat to consume at a zoo” For some reason, I just really like this analogy.

Creep into their room… And five years old, was that their age now? Now’s when the mental powers will manifest, and the murder begins, I predict.

Well, that’s certainly a traumatic way to discover mental superpowers.

...And how, pray tell, would a five year old girl defend herself from a murderer capable of breaking into a house and murdering two grown adults in their beds? This logic confuses me.

Huh. So I guess Adelaide’s powers manifested earlier, or were more powerful until when things began to turn around later on? I suppose that that explains why people disliked Morticia and loved Adelaide, and why people blamed Morticia for everything.

Two manipulators trying to control each other, and all those around them.

Originality:

I talked last round about good twins and evil twins. I will admit that I see two evil twins with similar powers less often. I did enjoy the twist about them both using their powers for very similar purposes throughout their lives. Not so different, after all.

Five points for Originality.

Characters:

I mentioned before that you could’ve gone further with confusing the audience over who the true villain was. I think you improved with that, here. Rather than there being a clear villain and hero, everything was quite morally ambiguous, especially after Adelaide using her powers since before Morticia discovered them was revealed. In your previous entry, I felt pity for Addie, however in this one… hm. I didn’t quite feel pity for either of them, because they both ended up willingly trying to manipulate all those around them. But I certainly felt something.

That being said, I feel the diary entry was perhaps a little over-the-top? It’s revealed that Adelaide was using her powers and responsible for Morticia’s misery, which I think was an excellent twist and explained a lot. However, it could have been revealed in a way other than immediately diving into monologuing and gloating. Perhaps Adelaide is frustrated by how her powers don’t seem to be working on her classmates, and confused by why her sister who doesn’t deserve this is suddenly so popular. Perhaps she could speculate that Morticia now possesses the same powers as her, and then talk about how it’s Adelaide that deserves this.

Five points for Characters.

Coherency:

There was a different sort of emotional build-up here to the last entry. In The Link, there was a sort of apprehension and anxiety about the nightmares and who the true villain was. But here, it was building up to when Morticia turned to darkness instead, and that final incident, the diary entry that pushed her over the edge.

Nine points for Coherency.

Spelling and Grammar:

No errors that I saw.

One point for Spelling and Grammar.

Coru of the Sabotage Squadron gets twenty points total for their entry ‘Death Follows’.

Fission

Username[/u]: K’sariya
Team: Avalon Apostles
Entry: Fission

Commentary and Scoring:

[spoiler]Commentary:

aaaaaAAAAAAA YES Princess Mononoke is my favorite Ghibli movie!

Again. I really love your prose. Like a lot.

Hm, is this Reshiram? It appears so.

I wonder. But ‘us killed’, does she mean their perfect, united form? Or does she mean a literal death? I do like the distinction between what it was the two kings and their respective dragons wanted. The realist and the idealist.

And now Kyurem! And again-- not so different. I like it when that comes into play.

Hm. So, did Kyurem take Kichonne in as a ward, as penance, then?

And now the last of the trio. I wonder how you’ll write him. He seems to be an optimist…

...I really liked Zekrom’s little scene there. His admiration and optimism, tempered by Reshiram’s warning and caution… and how her words proved correct.

Oh. This scene. I remember this moment.

Okay, so we’re going with Black/Black 2’s world. Also, this scene is making me feel things.

Aaaaaaaa Zekrom no…

Quite often, I see the Legend Duos(Groudon/Kyogre, Dialga/Palkia, Reshiram/Zekrom, Xerneas/Yveltal) only seeming to hate each other and clash and quarrel. Seeing Reshiram and Zekrom having a positive relationship that reads to me like siblings is really refreshing.

I enjoy when passages come back as reprises or echoes.

Recently I’ve been reading the Elric Saga by Michael Moorcock, which also talks a lot about balance-- more the balance between Law and Chaos, though. Life for life is an interesting way to think about it-- but rarely a fulfilling way. I suppose it’s the reason behind vengeance, but vengeance doesn’t truly repair damage done. In some scenarios it does prevent further damage.

I like Kyurem being extremely grey, and anti-hero-- he seems to regret mindlessly consuming before. He fears what bits of himself he sees within Necrozma. He tries to strive for the greater good, by returning the sun to the sky through freeing Solgaleo. But he still brings about destruction. Through his fault or Ghetsis’, Necrozma is still dead. Through his fault, Kichonne’s mother is still dead. And through whoever’s fault, Reshiram’s being consumed piece by piece too.

When she is totally consumed, I wonder if they’ll truly be whole again, and be together, or at the very least, have closure?

Again, it sort of reminds me of the Elric Saga. I’m unsure if you’ve read it or not. But basically the protagonist is meant to bring balance between Law and Chaos, and he fights with a sword called Stormbringer meant to bring about the end of the world someday. Elric himself is physically weak, and only capable of fighting because every time Stormbringer kills, it absorbs the soul of the fallen foe and grants Elric some strength-- and sometimes Stormbringer has a mind of its own and kills people Elric would really prefer to remain alive. And Kyurem totally absorbing Zekrom, and absorbing Reshiram little by little, reminded me of that.

As a side-note, I would absolutely read a series about your Legendaries.

Originality:

Most of what I covered last round still applies here.

Five points for Originality.

Characters:

Really really loved the characters. I adored the relationship between Reshiram and Zekrom, and between Reshiram and Kyurem. The love between the duo, and Kyurem acknowledging what he sees in Necrozma that he also sees in himself, and he and Reshiram reluctantly fusing out of what they felt was necessity. The trio’s complicated feelings about fusion in general, and how they seem to love the idea of being whole in the past. Your Arceus felt more like a force incarnate rather than a flesh and blood Pokemon, which I suppose fits what you were going for, him being pure balance rather than deigning to pick a side.

Nine points for Characters.

Coherency:

I loved loved loved the flow of this. It’s composed of different scenes from different points in this world’s timeline, but the emotional buildup kept increasing at a steady pace, seeming to explode and reach a climax when Reshiram fought Black Kyurem, and come to a closure, though not necessarily a happy one, with the final scenes.

At times I was a bit confused about what was going in scenes at the very beginning, the only one where I had to go back and reread was the beginning of the fight between Kyurem controlled by Ghetsis and Zekrom.

Eight points for Coherency.

Spelling and Grammar:

No errors that I could see.

One point for Spelling and Grammar.

K’sariya of the Avalon Apostles gets twenty three points for their entry ‘Fission’.

Untitled

Username: evanfardreamer
Team: The Order of the Sun
Entry: Untitled

Commentary and Scoring:

Spoiler:

Commentary:

Spoiler:

Court proceedings? A trial of some kind? And a war? Interesting.

Also, the second story to involve Team Rocket. Almost all the entries this round are Pokemon.

Ah, bankruptcy.

Giovanni originally being the CEO of a firework company? Interesting.

Aaaaaaaand I’m left unsurprised that the creditors took all that money. Wherever shall they get more? It’s not as though this is a foregone conclusion or anything. I kid, I can guess where more money will come from.

Ah, the Rocket Casino.

It was your money, true, but a summer home is less valuable to you than food and rent is to them, I’d wager.

I do wonder though who the war was with. Likely another region. War’s not something mentioned often in Pokemon-- there was the war 3000 years ago in Kalos, the war between the two brothers in Unova. I think a war was mentioned in Lucario and the Mystery of Mew? But any wars mentioned in Pokemon took place in the extremely distant past, the only one I can recall that has a date to it was three millennia ago. It is a fairly peaceful world. I don’t think they’d really be prepared for war in the present-day Pokemon regions.

Oh, hey, Silver.

Yeeeeeeeeees Silver and Swinub are cute.

So THAT’S why Team Rocket has so many dang zubat!

U1:
O: 6
C: 9
C: 7
SG: 1

Originality:

I know there have likely been fanfictions of the backstory of Giovanni and the rise of Team Rocket before. However I did find this one specifically quite interesting. A war in Kanto bankrupting multiple businesses does make sense. It explains some things, allows for the audience to fill in other gaps, and leaves a few more things more open-ended.

Six points for Originality.

Characters:

Team Rocket isn’t typically a team that captures my attention, especially since I’m not an especially big fan of the anime. However I greatly enjoyed your characterization of Giovanni, his interactions with his family and with his colleagues.

Nine points for Characters.

Coherency:

Similar to Coru’s entry, this was something of a foregone conclusion. We knew that Team Rocket would be created, however what was interesting was how we got there. I really enjoyed seeing the future Rocket admins, and seeing the ‘seeds’ of what would occur in the future, like the casino, hunting for Clefairy in Mt. Moon, giving zubat to the grunts. I am curious where things started going sour, when Giovanni and his team decided it was acceptable to begin stealing or to create bioweapons like Mewtwo, or if this is an entirely different alternate universe in which Team Rocket never went astray. The ending seemed rather open-ended in that regard, which I liked.

Seven points for Coherency.

Spelling and Grammar:

No major errors that I could see.

One point for Spelling and Grammar.

Evanfardreamer of the Order of the Sun gets 23 points total for their entry.

Untitled

Username: Shruikan
Team: Avalon Apostles
Entry: Untitled

Commentary and Scoring:

Spoiler:

Commentary:

Spoiler:

Ah, Cinderella. But with dragons. Yes, good, excellent. But it seems it’s one of the stepsisters who’s the one being mistreated and abused, if I understand correctly?

Hm. I wonder if Ashe refusing to grieve and let go is contributing to her anger at Dusk. Regardless of the cause of her actions, those actions are wrong and I’m glad Hope is punishing Ashe when she does step out of line. Ashe could have asked Dusk to give back her mother’s bracelet instead of attacking her.

Also, I like Hope thus far. I’m curious about what Ashe’s father is like, though. He doesn’t seem to be present.

Ah. It appears a ghost in a certain willow tree disagrees with Hope’s parenting.

Boy, you had one (1) dance with this lady, and didn’t even know her real name, and already you declare her the love of your life.

And I suppose that that goes two ways. Ashe/Cinderella didn’t know him either. I suppose she found his status attractive, mostly? Trapping him in a hand mirror is certainly a new twist. I’m glad that after a time she showed her true colors, rather than the prince remaining enamored with her.

Ah, yes. Fire. The answer to all our unasked questions.

Well, there is a proper ending, I think. Magenta and Luna are free. The antagonist and her magic won’t harm anyone else. Perhaps not a happily ever after with a royal wedding and fanfare, but still closure of a sort.

Be more confident in your writing, you were rushed, true, but I did enjoy it as a story.

U2:
O: 5
C: 9
C: 5
SG 1

20

Originality:

I love dragons as much as the next person, however beyond the tree being set on fire, I don’t see much difference that their species ultimately made. I did greatly enjoy the twist on the tale with Ashe being the villainous one and the stepsisters being the ones being abused, verbally, by Ashe. It also seemed to me that the point of view character was Hope, and I can’t recall ever seeing the stepmother, wicked or otherwise, as the viewpoint character.

Five points for Originality.

Characters:

I did greatly enjoy the relationship between Hope and her daughters, and especially the interactions between Hope and Ashe. I thought that Hope was a wonderful character, likely my favorite in the story, and I was curious about her relationship with Ashe’s father, and what Ashe’s mother was like in life.

Ashe’s character I found interesting. There were parts of her I liked, however as I stated earlier, I feel her relationship with her mother could have been expanded upon-- if it was purely her lashing out in grief and anger against Dusk, if she would have acted like that regardless with less of an excuse, if her mother would have encouraged that sort of behavior, and the like, and what Ashe remembered fondly about her mother. I also wonder what Hope knew about Ashe’s mother.

Nine points for Characters.

Coherency:

It was a disappointment you could not complete the story. I believe what you had written flowed nicely.

Five points for Coherency.

Spelling and Grammar:

Nothing egregious.

One point for Spelling and Grammar.

Shruikan of the Avalon Apostles gets 20 points total for their entry.

[K'sariya]

aaaaaAAAAAAA YES Princess Mononoke is my favorite Ghibli movie!

Jokes aside, I'll totally put that on my list to check it out! Thank you for the praise, and I'm super glad that you enjoyed it. I don't write many stories anymore (I have terrible commitment issues with stories for some reason), but the competition has made me feel a lot better about it when I do!

Thanks so much for your commentary and judging. These themes were awesome. Thank you!

[Coru]

Thank you for the feedback! I definitely agree with what you said. I had the idea about Adelaide being the true manipulator all along and in "The Link" that's why she is anxious and is worried about what Morticia will do to her, just didn't have an idea how to do it. Looking back on it, your idea sounds much better and would be more coherent.

Thanks for hosting such a fun writing challenge the last three weeks, it's been a blast. :)

[Cleobel]

@LKWayvern Thank you very much for your advice and constructive criticism! Thank you very much for hosting these three weeks of Creative Writing as well! :D