18

[Suicune's Fire]

OH MY GOSH I FINALLY GOT AROUND TO READING THIS. I'm so sorry it took me so long. x__x Okay, there are many grammatical errors in this, but I'll only point out some so I can give you an idea of what you'll have to go back and fix yourself.

“What is it Rex” Corey said to his fellow Eevee, slightly annoyed over his rude awakening.

When characters address each other, there needs to be a comma before their name. Also, at the end of speech (but still within the quotations) you need to have a comma, unless the speech is the end of the sentence. In this case, since the sentence continues, putting a comma is correct.

“You were supposed to meet me by Snorlax rock this morning!” Rex responded, understandably annoyed.

The r in "rock" should be a capital because it's a proper noun. :]

“Wait what? you should have come to wake me up sooner!” Corey said, shocked that he had slept so late.

"Wait" and "what" do not form a sentence without any grammar, so you'd need a comma after "wait." Also, a capital y for "you."

“Whatever, lets just get going” Rex said.

You need to be careful of words like "I'm" and "let's" and "there's" which all have apostrophes. I noticed quite a few times that you fail to use them, such as here with "let's." In any place where it's an abbreviation for a word and then "is" after it, or in this case, "us," you need to put an apostrophe.

“oww” Corey moaned in pain “Why did you have to stop like that?”

Remember, AAAALLLLWAYS put a capital at the start of a sentence, so that "oww" needs a capital O. It also needs grammar at the end of the speech, as EVERY piece of speech you ever write does. Because "Corey moaned in pain" is part of the same sentence as "oww," then you need a comma after "oww." You also need a full stop after "pain" because that's the end of your sentence. The following speech is a new sentence, or a question, so the capital letter is correct.

There are many stories as to why the rock is named Snorlax rock, but the most Popular story was that once, a long time ago, a wise snorlax would sleep on that rock. He slept most of the time, however if you went to the clearing while he was awake, he would answer any one question. One day a young Rattata went to the clearing, only to find the Snorlax was gone. No one ever saw him again after.

Again, watch out for the capital r in "rock" and there's a random capital "p" in "popular" for no reason. Remember, you only put capitals in proper nouns, such as places, names and important objects!

Aside from that, I really like how there's a story behind Snorlax Rock. It makes it feel more real, and it's extra detail that you thought to put in, which is great. :]

“I'm getting kind of nervous, there could be anything out here, why don't we turn back” Corey said to Rex.

A few things about this quote. Firstly, "why don't we turn back" is a question, so you need a question mark at the end. Second, you have two commas when you should have none. They should be either semicolons or full stops, because they're three separate sentences. Do you see how they, if you break them up, can sit on their own as different sentences? That's when you know that you should use semicolons or full stops. If you feel like the two parts relate to each other, then you put a semicolon, but otherwise you put a full stop. Alternatively, you would put something like an "and" to join the sentence (though I don't know how you would in this case xD). If you had that joining word, then you could still use a comma. Let me show you in more detail:

“I'm getting kind of nervous; there could be anything out here. Why don't we turn back?” Corey said to Rex.

That is correct. Also, do you see how neat it looks now? x)

“Dont be such a baby, theres nothing out here” Rex said in response, looking back at Corey.

Remember the apostrophes! Also, that comma should be a semicolon or a period, and remember that you need a comma after "here."

“Is that a clearing up ahead?” Corey said, trying to see what the area in front of them was.Rex did not need to answer, for Within seconds it was clear that they had indeed reached a field.Corey and Rex stood at the end of the treeline looking across at what rested on the other side. On the other side was a large fence, at least 3 meters tall.

In two cases here, you have full stops at the end of sentences and then a new word literally joining onto the full stop. xD Make sure you go over this and put a space in there. Also, in stories, you never put the figures of numbers in. You always write out the number, so this should be "three." UNLESS you're quoting a big number, or if it was something like, On the whiteboard, it read: buy me 17 cheesecakes. Or something. XD

there are many other species of pokemon out there that you have yet to see, and probably won't. “

Firstly that t in "there" should be a capital because it's the start of a new sentence, and secondly, the quotation at the end of the sentence is facing the wrong way. xD

He closed his eyes, recalling the days events Before he knew it, he had fallen asleep.

There should be a full stop after "events." x)

Okay! So those are the errors I chose to show you so that you may improve. :D I really would love you to go back through your chapter(s) and correct these errors. Most of them are easy to spot, such as random, out of place capital letters in sentences. Remember apostrophes in your don't and I'm and there's. One thing I also noticed was at the start of the prologue, you used "Pokemon" with a capital P. Then you switched to using a lowercase p. It's best to make up your mind so that you stick to one thing, but after that point, it looks like you continued to use lowercase p. x) I do that too, as you would know, but it's up to you.

Description: Your description was minimal, but it was enough to get a feel for what was happening. However, more description would be lovely, such as quickly describing things Corey sees, like Rex, and like that zigzagoon he nearly hit. Also describing the forest in a bit more detail would be great, perhaps the smells his nose picks up; the feel of the soil under his paws, etc. Also, remember that "said" is a very boring word. Wherever you can, use another word. There are plenty out there that not only describe the scene more, but make it more lively. Here are a few I found:

Spoiler:

• Accepted, Accused, Acknowledged, Admitted, Advertised, Affirm, Agonized, Agreed, Alleged, Announced, Answered, Appealed, Apply for, Arranged, Articulated, Asked, Asserted, Asseverate, Assumed, Assured, Attract, Aver, Avow,
• Barked, Bawl, Bawled, Beamed, Beckoned, Begged, Bellowed, Beseeched, Blubbered, Blurted, Bossed, Breathed, Broadcast,
• Cajole, Called, Carped, Cautioned, Censured, Chimed in, Choked, Chortled, Chuckled, Circulate, Claim, Comforted, Conceded, Concurred, Condemned, Confer, Confessed, Confided, Confirm, Consoled, Contend, Continued, Crave, Cried out, Criticized, Croaked, Crooned, Crowed,
• Declared, Defend, Demanded, Denote, Dictated, Disclosed, Disposed, Disseminate, Distribute, Divulged, Drawled,
• Emitted, Empathized, Encourage, Encouraged, Entreated, Exact, Exclaimed, Explained, Exposed,
• Faltered, Finished, Fumed,
• Gawped, Giggled, Given, Glowered, Grieved, Grinned, Groan, Groaned, Growled, Grumbled,
• Handed on, Held, Hesitated, Hinted, Hissed, Hollered, Howled,
• Impart, Implied, Implored, Importune, Inclined, Indicate, Informed, Inquired, Insisted, Interjected, Invited,
• Jabbered, Joked, Justified,
• Keened,
• Lamented, Laughed, Leered, Lilted,
• Maintained, Make known, Make public, Marked, Mewled, Mimicked, Moaned, Mocked, Mourned, Murmured, Mused
• Necessitated, Needed, Noted,
• Observed, Offered, Ordered,
• Panted, Passed on, Pleaded, Postulated, Preached, Premised, Presented, Presupposed, Proclaimed, Prodded, Professed, Proffered, Promised, Promulgated, Proposed, Protested, Provoked, Publicized, Published, Puled, Put forth, Put out,
• Quaked, Queried, Quipped, Quivered, Quizzed, Quoted,
• Reassured, Raged, Ranted, Reckoned that, Rejoiced, Rejoined, Released, Remarked, Remonstrated, Repeated, Replied, Reprimanded, Requested, Required, Requisition, Retorted, Revealed, Roared,
• Said, Sang, Scoffed, Scolded, Seethed, Sent on, Settled, Shared, Shed tears, Shouted, Shrieked, Shrugged, Shuddered, Snarled, Snivelled, Sobbed, Solicited, Sought, Specified, Spluttered, Spread, Stammered, Stated, Stuttered, Stressed, Suggested, Supposed, Swore,
• Taunted, Teased, Testified, Thundered, Ticked off, Told, Told off, Tore a strip off, Touted, Trailed off, Transferred, Transmitted, Trembled, Trumpeted,
• Understood, Undertook, Upbraided, Uttered,
• Verified, Vociferated, Voiced, Vouched for, Vouchsafe,
• Wailed, Wanted, Warned, Weep, Wept, Wheedle, Whimpered, Whined, Whispered,
• Yawped, Yelled, Yelped, Yowled, yipped, yammered, yawned

I added "yipped," "yawned" and "yammered" to that list. XD

As far as grammar goes, I think it's really up to proofreading. It doesn't seem like you proofread much, so make sure do that before you post chapters, because it can save you from a lot of errors. Also, if you're using Word, may I advise using the auto-correct function to change "pokemon" to "pokémon"? It makes it look better to have the accented é. XD

I thought that it was an interesting start, but when they saw the humans, I was surprised they didn't panic. As well as that, when Corey returned home, he not only acted totally calm, but he also slept at the edge of the clearing. I didn't expect him to do this because, well, I'd certainly be panicking in that situation. xD Not just that, but when his mother said that his dad was out, I thought he was going to freak out in fear of his father being caught. It just seemed a little odd that he didn't panic.

I'll keep reading and edit this post with more chapter reviews! :D I do like it so far and I have no doubt that you can improve with a little more practice and through some more editing. x)




CHAPTER TWO.

“This can’t be happening!” Corey thought, shaking in fear.

“Why is this happening!” Corey knew very well the answer to that question, yet he refused to believe it.

Speech and thoughts go on the same line if it's the same character thinking or speaking, so this speech should be on the line above.

It was too dark to tell what pokemon, but he was sure it was there

There's no full stop at the end of this sentence. x)

“This one stands no chance,” The Machamp said in a rough voice, amused, “I will crush her, right after i crush the Eevee.” At these words Coreys blood ran cold.

HOW RUDE. What a buttpie. Also, because his second sentence of speech is a separate sentence, the comma at the end of "amused" should be a period. If you're unsure how this works, just eliminate the quotation marks and work with it as if it's a regular sentence. :] Also, I saw this quite a number of times--make sure you put apostrophes in words! It should be Corey's. Also, there's a lowercase 'i' which should be in upper case.

I liked this chapter, and the story is progressing, but again there was a lack of detail. Feel free to go into detail about the thoughts and feelings of the characters, namely Corey, since it's about him. We want to know what he's thinking, how he's reacting when he's panicking. I expected the pokemon in the cages around him to do something - even make a fuss - but they didn't. They didn't even try to talk with Corey, apart from the pokemon that spoke to him earlier.

Another thing is, I find it incredibly confusing how none of these pokemon tried to fight back. When it was describing them being hooked onto leashes, I was having a hard time believing it. If they truly wanted to survive, they WOULD fight against it. I mean, the psychic type would surely have tried to confuse the humans or damage them without the humans even knowing it. Electric types would shoot lighting, and fire types would spill flames. It's logical to think that they would attack, especially when there's eighteen of them. There certainly could be many ways the humans could contain them, but it didn't mention anything other than a taser. And that could be easily destroyed with any pokemon's attack. It only has to be little, but somewhere, you have to specify why their attacks would be ineffective. Sure, Corey's small and weak, but that machamp would never be able to be held back with force. They would have to have their own extremely powerful pokemon to hold back any pokemon they captured to ensure that they wouldn't rebel.

One thing I thought of might be that the pokemon, after being knocked out, are injected with paralysing agent or something, and then weakened within an inch of losing their consciousness. Maybe then they could be controlled, but they all seemed entirely fit and healthy. xD It's things like this you need to take into consideration.

Anyhow, I'll keep reading. :] Not as many errors this time, but I didn't spot most of them because I gave you pointers on the type of thing you have to look out for in the prologue so you can find them and fix them yourself.

~SF.