Dragon Master's Poetry and Short Stories

[Suicune's Fire]

“The horses are not ready to see you.” The raspy voice whispered

You must remember that a period is not correct in this instance, and nor is the capital "T" in "The." It's one sentence, yes? Because you're saying "the raspy voice whispered" in response to the speech. So you have to put a comma at the end of the speech and a lowercase T. Because then that makes it one sentence. Otherwise, think of it like putting a random period in the middle of a sentence where a comma should be, such as: "Hey, Mike, want to go and play in, like. The pool?" Do you see how it's like doing that? Just because there are quotations at the end of the speech, it doesn't mean that it signifies the end of the sentence. :] Try to remember this. COMMAS, MAN! Please tell me if you don't understand so that I can help you understand because I've raised it a few times in the past and you don't seem to either remember, or understand what I mean. x)

“How much longer must I wait.” I questioned.

I find it sort of amusing that you put a period here when you literally followed up with, "I questioned," making it obvious that it was a question...and there was no question mark. xD ALWAYS put question marks on the end of questions!

Around the clearing the cabin was located in, the tree branches, their leaves long since having fallen off, seemed to reach inwards like the tentacles of a giant squid reaching for their prey.

I really like this sentence, but you've used "reach" and then "reached," where I think one of the two could be changed to something else. Perhaps "stretch" or "extend" would suffice.

“11:27.” I thought, looking down at my watch again.

You've gotta watch out for numbers in stories. When in speech, you should always write out the number. So this should be "Eleven twenty-seven." Or perhaps "Twenty-seven past eleven" or however you want to style it.

I could feel the frigid winter air even through my many layers of clothes, and It only seemed to be getting colder.

That "it" in the middle of the sentence has a random capital I. This is without reason, so make it a lowercase. x)

“23 minutes.“

Again, the numbers in speech thing. And also, that second quotation mark is backwards. xD

I loved this story! The ending did make me go "wat," but in the best way possible. I enjoyed the enigmatic nature of the entire story, because it was really odd but also kept me entertained. I think the break between the ten minute (or twenty-three minute) increments was quite short, so it didn't make me become impatient or lose interest, although I definitely feel like it went a little too quickly. Perhaps something mundane could be inserted between the breaks to emphasise the little amount there is to do, such as watching the trees sway, or focusing on the activities of a little ant. Perhaps even watching snow build up at the base of a tree or something. But yeah, that's up to you, really.

I think you did a good job with this, especially considering it was written in such a short period of time. Well done. x) I always enjoy a piece of writing from you.