Dragon Master's Poetry and Short Stories

[Dragon Master Mike]

I wrote a Poem. I wrote this a while ago actually, but I'm very hesitant usually to share my poetry, which is why I haven't posted it or anything else yet (Despite the fact that ive been writing a lot.)

Good Times

The small lake lies before me
I look at it from the dock
The sun sets overhead
As I look out at the rocks

I see a fish leap
I see it flounder and flop
I watch it swim around
Until the splashing stops

The sunlight fades
And colors flood the sky
Red white and blue
The fireworks draw our eyes

Sparks fly over the water
Stars shine bright above
I wish to spend forever
In this place that I love

I turn around

I wake up.
The dream is over.

The dream of times left behind
The dream of places left behind
The dream of memories left behind
The dream of things never to return

For the years we spent here
Have long since come and gone
The days we would go here
Are nothing more than memories

Though it hurts to remember
It hurts more to forget
The good times we had
The good things we did

I long to go back
For things to be like before
But the times left behind
are never to return

[Suicune's Fire]

I liked the stories! It was cool how the fletchling one included the two ninetales from Yellow, as that was one of my favourite stories. I'm going to talk about that description story first. I won't point out everything, but I'll plant a few seeds in your mind for you to consider.

Firstly, there's the issue of detachment. I know it's meant to be description and not necessarily for people to read, but it feels detached in two ways: emotional and being fragments, rather than one big "river" of text that flows nicely. It does flow, but it's in pieces at parts. The emotional part isn't so much about being like "OH AND THAT TREE MADE ME HAPPY WHEREAS THAT BIG LAKE IS SADDENING." Nothing like that. xD I just meant the investment into the description, such as putting feel into how you describe it and really making the beauty come to life. You use many neutral words that can be seen as the basis for description, but without much heart yet. As an example,

Looking behind me, I see the hill leading up and away from the lake. I can’t see the top though, as trees block my vision. All around I see trees of various species. Many pine and oak trees, as well as the occasional birch.

This is quite neutral in that it very basically describes this view to us. To include a more emotive feel, you could call the trees lonely, the hill steep and weather-worn, and give connotations to the various species that this character sees. It could be that they dislike oak trees and love birches, because tiny little extra words can give off that vibe. It doesn't take much to give character to the narrator or the things around them. ^^

Another point I have to raise is repetition. Sometimes this isn't easy to pick up until you reread what you've written. An example is here:

I quickly turn back and continue down the driveway. Looking to my left, I see a pile of wood. Next to it is a log with an old axe in it. I quickly grab the axe before walking to the front of the house. I quickly ascend the steps to the porch, each of the four stairs creaking along the way. I reach the door and set the axe down. Reaching in my pocket, I quickly remove the key. Wanting to get inside and away from the cold, I insert the key into the door and unlock it. I quickly open it and pick the axe back up.

Read over that and count the number of times you use "quickly." xD Repetition of the single word can disrupt the immersion a reader feels, as it shows a lack of vocabulary or thought put into the piece. Of course, that's being harsh. That's why, through practice, you develop a thesaurus in your own mind from which you can quickly pull synonyms. For instance, my favourite synonym for "quickly" is "promptly." I use it a lot. xD Let's see, off the top of my head, I can think of:
Quickly, promptly, hurriedly, in a rush, rapidly...that's all I can really think of. XD So now, with my handy dictionary... "swiftly, speedily, hastily," and then you can branch into related words like "suddenly, immediately, abruptly," etc. Soooo many words! So put them to good use! A story with variation in its expressions will outshine stories with boring, repetitive terminology. Sometimes it's good to write basic pieces without much thought, and then go back over it and change as many words as you can to make it more interesting. It can be a good exercise!

Next up is something I definitely had to learn myself, through experience--although, not without help from others. I remember this one particular passage in TtEoaF where I was advised by someone not to word things in this manner. It was back when Dusty was on the ship and she was in a crate, and she ran into a grotle. She described him from top to bottom, or bottom to top - whatever it was - and the story literally stopped just to describe him. Yes, it's good imagery, but no, it wasn't well integrated. And that wasn't the only place where I did that. I did it basically every time I described a new pokemon. I was really trying to go for "show, don't tell" but instead I showed every unnecessary detail...while telling it. XD Anyway, here's an example:

To my right, there is a small kitchen area, containing a small counter and a refrigerator. On the counter sits an old fashioned black phone. Just above the sink, there is a small window covered in blinds. I set the axe on the counter and keep walking through the room. In the front to my right is a kitchen table and chairs. To my left, the room connects to a living room. To my front is a glass sliding door.

This is what I meant by 'fragmented,' and although that wasn't part of the issue I was talking about that I had to learn about, the issue is still present. And that is that you stop the story to describe something. What I was told to do was work it into the story as the characters do things. Such as, instead of describing an espeon as sleek and purple with a tail that splits into two, you could tell us that "the espeon strode gracefully as its delicate paws moved past sleek body, its tail waving slowly behind it as the split end seemed to stroke the air" or something. Basically, incorporate description into action, so the character observes the details as things are happening, like they would in real life. xD As an example, here's the difference between the first time I wrote that grotle scene, then the second time:

Spoiler:

I flinched as a heavy paw stepped on top of mine which dirtied my paw all the more, and flicked my head to its direction to confirm that. In front of me was a round, mostly green-coloured Pokémon with two bushes on its back. I could see three large legs rounded off with thick paws from this angle, but it obviously had four. Each had three small claws, and the paws themselves were yellow. The legs went to green, which attached to its body. Half its head was cut off by the large yellow armour it carried on its back which held the two bushes.
Its mouth had a hooked beak like a bird Pokémon, and its cheeks came to a point and were yellow; matching the bottom jaw. There were also three brown streaks that were not flat, which ran along the armour—two of them disappearing on either side of the middle one under the leaves.

Then the new version:

I flinched as a something heavy stepped on top of my paw, dirtying it all the more, and I flicked my head to its direction. In front of me was a round, mostly green-coloured pokémon with two bushes on its back. I could see three large legs rounded off with thick paws from this angle, but there were obviously four. I ascended to his face, noting that half his head was cut off by the large yellow armour he carried on his back. His mouth was hooked, and his cheeks came to points and were yellow, matching the bottom jaw. As fancy and nature-loving as he was, he had no excuse for standing on my now-thumping toes!

That's not a great example, but I always remembered it. The first explanation is very long-winded, and awkwardly expressed. The second is shorter, sweeter, and leaves out the unnecessary detail. It doesn't really give a good example of describing the grotle while he's moving or doing something, but I did edit this ages ago, so even by now I've improved more. xD

So that's that, and I hope it helped. I'm just going to say that other random things were amiss with it, such as a few grammatical errors, such as saying it's instead of its when you mention the oars. Nothing big. ^^

NOW FOR THE FLETCHLING STORY.

“You were right,” The first Pokemon said quietly, “this place does look perfect for hunting.”

“Yeah.” The second Pokemon said. “Lets look for the lowest nests.”

I notice that you haven't got a grasp on your speech grammar yet. I don't know if you've listened to what I've said about it (XD) but I'm sure you have; it takes practice. So, the first speech there is practically perfect, but the T of "The first pokemon" should be a lowercase, because right before it...there's a comma. It's still the same sentence. If you have that "The" there with a capital T, then you're essentially sticking a random capital letter in the middle of a sentence.

The second one needs a comma after "Yeah" because "The second pokemon said" is a continuation of that sentence. Therefore, not only should there be a comma after "Yeah" but there also needs to be a lowercase T for "The" again. It's fine to have a full stop after "said" because that's the end of the sentence, but "Lets" is an abbreviation. It's short for "let us," and because of that, we need to substitute the U in "us" for an apostrophe. So it will ALWAYS be let's if you're saying "let's go do something" because you're saying "let us." There's one instance where the apostrophe isn't needed, and that's when "lets" is a substitute for "allows," and when it's not short for "let us." For instance, "But she lets us swim in the mornings!" If you put an apostrophe in there, it would be "But she let is us swim in the mornings!" which wouldn't make sense. xD So "lets" is its own word in that case. But yeah, whenever it's short for "let us," you will need an apostrophe.

5 minutes earlier

Unless you're quoting something that a character sees printed on something else, you always write figured out as numbers in stories. So this should say: "Five minutes earlier." (You also need punctuation at the end of "earlier.")

“Wheres mom?” I briefly wondered before remembering that Talonflame like to hunt this time of day.

I'm not going to point out every error, but here, you've got another lack of a needed apostrophe. "Wheres" is an abbreviation of "Where is," so again, to substitute that i in "is," you need an apostrophe. Not only that, but "mom" is what the fletchling calls his mother, so it needs to be a capital. Because "mom" is a name in this case, and names need to have capitals. If it was "Where's my mom," then there wouldn't be a need for a capital m, however.

“Could my mother actually loose?”

Spoiler:

(I know your is losing a fight as opposed to winning, but it only has one O!)

As the two Pokemons teeth sunk into my mothers wings,

Again, you need apostropheeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssss. Apostrophes exist to substitute letters, and also to show possession. In this case, both "mothers" and "pokemons" need apostrophes. EVERY WORD in existence needs an apostrophe when being possessive, except "it." Because it is super special. It only has an apostrophe when you're saying "it is." If it's possessive, you simply write "its." So, "It's lovely that you cleaned its tail." You're saying "it is" lovely, and you're saying that the tail belongs to "it." (Whatever "it" may be. Let's imagine a minccino. xD)

I understand that "pokemon" can be confusing, because it is the plural as well as the singular form. In this case, forget entirely about the plural factor, and just put a possessive S with an apostrophe on the end. Because "pokemon" is already the plural, you don't have to worry about an extra S to signify this plural...because it doesn't exist for that word. Therefore, both "that pokemon's food" and "all those pokemon's food" are BOTH correct. Similarly to how "that pokemon has food" and "those pokemon have food" are both correct. :]

Anywaaaaaaaay, your newest poem is pretty awesome. O: I really liked the way it went. I can relate to that, I must say. Although memories are fond, though, you can always make new ones that are just as good, or possibly better. :] That's how I feel, anyway, even if it seems close to impossible.

KEEP WRITING YOU AWESOMECAKE. Sorry it took me so long to catch up on all these. D:


~SF.

[Dragon Master Mike]

I had your message quoted at the beginning of this, then I realized how rediculously long a quote it would be.

To be completely honest, I posted that one story with no intention of anyone reading it. That's why I gave a warning before it that no one should read it because it's not meant to be interesting or anything. I just kinda put it here for the fact that I wrote it. It was just an experiment to see how much detail I could put into something (I was bored and uninspired). One thing I forgot to mention is that the poem and that story were connected.

As for the second story, that is probably one of my biggest problems. Using Apostrophes. I always manage to forget those. Oh, and my spelling is awful. I don't know HOW I always manage to misspell lose. And I didn't even know Its didn't need an Apostrophe.

As for the poem, I actually get so nervous sharing poems that I actually started getting really anxious when I saw someone responded to the post. For every poem I have posted here, I have at least two more somewhere that either I didn't feel comfortable sharing or I just thought weren't as good as my others.