Cinnabar's Child [PG 13]

[Suicune's Fire]

Hey! :] I decided to read and review this, so here is my feedback. As always in my reviews, typos and errors first.

Bathed in deep yellow luminescent fluids, the lump of protoplasm pulsated, effervescence trailing from crevices of tissue, as figures flickered every second on a screen positioned in front of the metal containment it was encapsulated it.

The last word, "it," should be "in." x)

This was all planned in accordance to the simulation provided by a supercomputer at the Data Facility for Poketechnological Research or known as Power Plant by the unknowing locals.

"In accordance to" is incorrect; the correct phrasing is "in accordance with." The other part of the sentence seems a little clumsy, firstly because "or known as" would probably sound better as "otherwise known as," and the other thing is that I imagine people call it the power plant, not just 'power plant.' The absence of "the" makes it sound odd.

So many things could go wrong with the experiment but apparently the statistics from a supercomputer was enough to appease the others. I was not a skeptic, but the procedure was biologically impossible. The effort was futile and there was no chance that the result would be exactly what was intended. My mind was in a fumble. What were the higher-ups planning? Was there some data inaccessible to non-board members? I had spent nights tugging at dead ends and I was about to give up.

Because "statistics" is plural, the following "was" should be "were." Either that, or get rid of "the" before "statistics" so it's just "statistics from a supercomputer was enough (etc)."

"Beautiful. Simply beautiful." a blond-haired Professor Kanobe spoke with awe.

This isn't just a one-time thing, so keep in mind that I'm only quoting an example of this once so that you can fix it in every other place too. xD With speech, you have to imagine it as the same sentence as what comes after it, and therefore at the end, there should be a comma and not a full stop. However, if the end of the speech is the end of the sentence, and what follows is a new sentence, then a full stop and a capital letter are in order. Let me show you an example. It should be:

"Beautiful. Simply beautiful," a blond-haired Professor Kanobe spoke with awe.

Because if you take the quotation marks away, it reads like this:

Beautiful. Simply beautiful, a blond-haired Professor Kanobe spoke with awe.

If you have a full stop there...

Beautiful. Simply beautiful. a blond-haired Professor Kanobe spoke with awe.

...It's like having a full stop in the middle of a sentence, and then a lowercase after it. Like I said earlier, if what follows the speech isn't part of the speech's sentence, then there should be a full stop and a capital letter. Example:

"Wow, great hair, Bob." There was a short pause before Sally sat down to braid Bob's hair.

Make sense? x)

14 - 4 -1997 17:02
Cinnabar Experiment Facility

The date order is presumably a mistake; this entry is on the 14th of April, and yet it's after the 17th's entry.

I found no answer to reply him.

I don't believe you can "reply someone." You can reply TO someone, and someone can reply, but "reply him" is awkward and probably incorrect. xD I would suggest something like "I found no answer to give him" instead.

Unable to look him in the eye, I somehow turned my gaze upon the Abra levitating besides him.

"besides" should be "beside." The words don't work the same. x)

He must have noticed for he casually spoke.

"You noticed something unusual about my Abra, didn't you?

This is formatted oddly, because if "for he casually spoke" was a lead-up to the speech, it should be on the same line, and the full stop at the end of "spoke" should be a comma.

I reached the door which read "Experiment M-02".

The full stop should be inside the quotations. :]

"But of course, that's not why I'm here. I've to ensure 100% success of the experiment and ensure that you don't leak anything to anyone."

In speech, you want to spell out numbers and symbols. So it should be "one hundred percent" or "a hundred percent."

Was my efforts all in vain?

Again, "efforts" is plural, so "was" should be "were."

You must be mad, I thought as I scrambled away from the edge of the broken floor

I thought she already knew that this scientist was mad? xD Also, for thoughts, you'll want to italicise them because otherwise it's too annoying to distinguish between thoughts and regular text.

I could feel pain in that roar, that twisted song of a creature clouded with viciousness, as it sought to rid of the eternal pain it felt.

"as it sought to rid" isn't correct; it should be either "as it sought to be rid" or "as it sought to rid itself."


All that correcting aside, I found the story interesting. I haven't read a story from the point of view of a scientist who helped create Mewtwo before, although I can obviously see that she died at the end, haha. So I wonder where this story will go and what you have planned for it. Clearly something to do with Mewtwo, but just what, I'm not sure. x)

I found that you did explore the protagonist's views a little bit, but even then it felt rather emotionless. There wasn't a lot of detail regarding feelings or concerns (but, rather, minor skims) that the protagonist had, especially toward the end when she was facing her impending doom. It was also very brief, and even if it happened within a short time span, you could have dragged it out to create suspense and also to flesh out the feelings of the character. That's definitely one thing you could work on (if you wanted...I suggest it XD), as well as more detail about their surroundings. It felt a little rushed toward the end, and overall it was quite short. I thought that perhaps more entries might have been in order, or even parts of it that weren't to do with the entries at all. What I mean is perhaps Cass's reasons for coming there and helping with the experiment to introduce us to her and find out a little more about her before it jumped into the entries. Maybe having some initial excitement for the experiment, but then becoming apprehensive as she realised that it wasn't all she signed up for. There was no transition between optimism and fear, which made me think she was pessimistic from the start. Either that or what I suggested before, but even then I'm left to guess.

I get that Cass isn't the main character and she was killed off pretty quickly into the story (presuming you intend to continue this), but even then it's nice to have a little character development, rather than putting her there just for the beginning and hinting that she's important, or she's different from the others considering she, in the end, was totally rebellious. I hope what I'm saying makes sense and doesn't come across as too critical. XD

Anyway, interested to see how this goes. :] Hope you keep my points in mind and good luck for writing this in the future!


~SF.