BONUS - The Squawkers RPG!

The Stalkers RPG Parody


FOREWORD: The absolute insane nonsense of the Squawkers RPG had something similar to a "Sin Purge Ritual" but of course as the goofy twisted nature of the whole campaign, there were a few twists.

[SQUAWKERS] The Sky Squirrel Seers!

The Emolga-based Sky Squirrel Seers (SSS) is very similar to the original Sin Purge Ritual stuff, where ancient tomes, cryptic diagrams, runic fonts, and stuff like that are featured, but in very funny and cynical ways to be silly. At times, they're noble and wise like Yoda, Morpheus, and Zenyatta, and at others, downright silly and goofy. It switches back and forward for maximum humor surprises. Meanwhile, they're not technologically impaired, but it's easy to think they are.

Their routes are long and lengthy, but they provide extremely valuable information and Goodies, and finding all three of them makes all the Squawker routes clear, leaving the only thing to do is fight them. As opposed to other Sin Purge Rituals, the completing the SSS routes won't finish the game and "steal" the victory from the players, but it is an alternative path toward finding out who the Squawkers really are.

These Emolgas work within the secrecy of the shadows and are trying their best to avoid scrutiny from the evil Squawkers. They don't technically join the Peeps, but will appear and disappear with nifty teleportation spells (It's just them using "fast travel.").

THEMES

Apple of Enlightenment - The Apple of Enlightenment serves as a holy symbol and reminder to the SSS to eat healthy fruits and vegetables rather than the Squawker desserts and garbage. As a result, the SSS Emolgas are able to avoid falling victim to the Squawkers' traps and ploys as they practice this Zen-like moderation and abstinence.

The Credo of Cuteness - The SSS understands that there is a fine balance of cuteness necessary in life, and that too much is harmful or too little is boring. As a result, they're able to keep a fine balance of this essential resource. They also think the way the Squawkers are using it like a trap is just downright EVIL.

Mastery of Mischief - The SSS, like other Emolgas, believe in the sanctity and harmony of pure, unblemished mischief.

BENEFITS

Completing the three SSS routes will grant the Peeps the best weapons and items in the game and the more they complete, the more information they'll get. They can complete the three routes in any order, but regardless of who they do first in terms of Juno, Kaxo, and Diego, the information and items granted will be the same.

Items given to the players by these Emolgas are decent, but are made to sound ridiculously powerful with each of them stuffed with nounverbers in their long names to the point of being just downright silly.

FIRST EMOLGA FOUND: The first Emolga will reveal the full list of Squawkers, which will also reveal that there are eight of them. But he will also tell the Peeps that they need to find the two others that have been deployed to Booplesnoot so they can link up and "connect to the stars since it's way better than a Wi-Fi connection."

ITEMS:
%Skydreamer Windblade of the Glorious Thunderheart (+3 DMG)%
%Whitefire Soulmantle of the Honorbound Colossus (+3 MAX Belly & Overwhelming Cuteness)%
%The Goldenheart Daybringer Ring of Infinite Dream (Reduced Belly & Overwhelming Cuteness Damage by 2 for each instance of infliction)%

SECOND EMOLGA FOUND: This guy will enhance the details on the items that the Peeps have found by sorting and color-coding them (using the same as the reference thread). This will help the Peeps determine what belongs to what route. They can also do this for the RP account helpers as well. Meanwhile, this Emolga will also swoop in and reveal a random Squawker route every two days provided the Squawker hasn't been found yet.

ITEMS:
%Triumphant Sunstrider Battlelance of the Firecharger (+4 DMG)%
%Wildstorm Moonbarrier Plate Armor of the Dragoncry (+4 MAX Belly & Overwhelming Cuteness)%
%Celestial Whitefire Soulbracer of the Prismatic Starlight (Reduced Belly & Overwhelming Cuteness Damage by 3 for each instance of infliction)%

THIRD EMOLGA FOUND: And here is where everything gets revealed. All Squawkers, all routes, everything, leaving only the task of fighting them. The only thing that doesn't get revealed are Noble Quests and RP Account Helpers, though their items will still be sorted.

ITEMS:
%Battlesong Silvermoon Bow of the Heavenly Windblazer Battalion (+5 DMG)%
%Victorycaster Warpower Armor of the Endless Dragonreign (+5 MAX Belly & Overwhelming Cuteness)%
%Soulstrider Suncrystal Necklace of the Multiverse's Infinite Expanse (Reduced Belly & Overwhelming Cuteness Damage by 4 for each instance of infliction)%

All these items might make the fights too easy, but hey, it's the alternative to a Sin Purge that pretty much decimates everything anyway. XD