Ahead of You (2009)

Come here sonny. Honestly, I don’t have any idea as to why they still let them volunteers come in anymore in this retirement home. I mean, I totally told them about the amount of time I have left anyways in this bed. It was more like talking to walls sometimes with them nurses.

What’s that? I’m that darn chatterbox that nobody likes to listen to forever? Ah, what can you do about that, you know. It’s against my religious principles. You’re doing pretty well for a volunteer though, I mean, living through the agony of listening to me for 45 minutes is apparently closer to seeing whatever Palkia or Arceus would do to you if you weren’t good or something like that. I don’t mind it though; I only have about 30 minutes and 28 seconds left anyways. You don’t have to deal with the whole 45. I do encourage you kids to stick around though, if you really want to get into that medical career of yours. What are you, some Nurse Joy addict, or something?

You know them kids. Them nurses always talking about how I’m like the worse they’ve ever seen, or how the volunteers would do anything to get out of volunteering with me around, or some other things I don’t remember. I really don’t get it you know. It’s just how I’m like for the most part. You know, they always say that I have some insanity talking about prophecy this and prediction that. I honestly think that those people are idiots for not knowing what I know. It’s like totally gold stuff. Apparently, somebody took what I talked about and totally made a fortune on pokeball investments and stuff.

Speaking of pokeballs, I remember the olden days when people were people, not those dang trainers runnin’ around when they’re like ten years old. Kids those days were good kids, taking care of the family and stuff, instead of being walking ball throwing machines and stuff. Good for you to try something different, kid. We don’t have enough of those kids around.

What’s that? Oh the pills. Yeah I gotta take them again right now huh. I told them nurses I don’t need it anymore. Seriously. Oh, how do I know? Really, I don’t have much to talk about here. It really has to do with my religion you see. Oh, what is it? Not many people know about it nowadays huh. Yeah it’s the “Order of the Chattering Teeth.” Honestly, I’ve seen the truth and all that, being a monk of that Order (or rather it's like the most annoyingly chattering monk in the world you will meet in your life). Oh, you want to hear about that huh. You’re the first to say that kind of things eh. It’s like my sole moment of glory in my entire life or something.

No seriously, this is between me and you. I gotta admit it though, I'm not too sure why I joined the Order in the first place. When you think about it, it seems rather weird. Everybody else is going on about Lugia this or Ho-Oh that. I joined some random occult reference that nobody cared about. What made it so important to my life was simply the fact that there were people that cared about us. You know, you want to hang around people you genuinely like for the bulk of your time in churches. Or in my case, somewhere outside, which usually ends in pouring rain. I attribute that entirely to Arceus' entire non-approval of the actual Order itself. It made us feel special anyways.

One thing that does confuse the lot of people about my religion in general is like how this all actually came together, sonny. I don't have a clue. We read stuff like prophecies like the rest of yous people. Ours was of an unpopular breed though. Honestly, not many people think something like The Awesome Prophecies That Will Come True by John Smith would actually work or anything. No, I don't think so either.

I mean, I didn't actually believe in this in my religion either. I just thought we read them for fun, like how everybody else had prophecies to tell and I read them with my grandchildren or something. Turns out that I never got any grandchildren, like what it said in page 794, line 55: Humpty Furnace hast no children of age. For some strange reason there would be random quotes like that one that actually talk about the few of us who are followers. It's actually pretty awesome, considering that if I had the financial capabilities and insight to actually take those prophecies to heart, you know, like how the book didn't predict, I would have been rich beyond believe.

Why you say? There are like so many different predictions that made no sense before things fell into place. Like I remember vaguely something like page 512, line 10: Investe in thy pokeballs. Honestly, who would have thought pokeballs were the next biggest thing since sliced bread? I thought he meant “buy some pokeballs, they might be worth something 50 million years from now” or something like that. But what has past is past, and I'm on my deathbed in my last...oh 15 minutes before I take the plunge to see how Arceus goes to pummel me for knowing the future, or thought I know the future or something.

So yeah, my moment of glory. I swear I don't get sidetracked too much for the most part, but it's just that I just really speak my mind whenever I can, want, or feel like it. I think some of those verbs might not even matter. In any case, I should talk about that sole moment of glory. You know how they say that people would have like 3 peaks of luck in their lives and stuff? Apparently I just have one. Isn't that ridiculous? I mean, it apparently says in the prophecies too in page 1049, line 24: Great Fireplace Man hast lucky shoe when age 24. Yeah, I clearly have that lucky shoe or something, it was clearly that moment that solidified my life as a human being.

Totally, I saw Arceus. I mean, I'm not a trainer or anything like that, but when you see something like that, you have to admit that it would be the highlight of your life too. In any case, what happened was something like this. I was walking down from my weekly meeting with the rest of the Order of the Chattering Teeth. You know, it's like the most normal thing you can do. Did you know that during that time I had like a girlfriend and all as well? Interesting huh. I wasn't a monk until much later. Like basically after she went kaput. By kaput I mean she left me because I really didn't have much in terms of capabilities to live, let alone support a family. Anyways, I was talking down the street as usual when some guy apparently pulled up to my house for no reason. He drove a nice car you know, it was ridiculous. He came up to me and was like, “Yo this the house of Humpty Furnace?”

I was, “Yeah.”

Then he just took me, sonny. Like it was just like that. He apparently worked for the Order too, but like he's one of them higher ups, or at least a guy who actually took the prophecies to heart, invested in the pokeball stock market, and won big. Crap, I forgot if John Smith ever wrote down lottery numbers. Oh wait, then again, John Smith probably don't know what lottery is, knowing him. Jerk didn't know anything about the future, he just saw parts of it. He even wrote stuff like: Gary Bravo hast a flaming chariote flying after Great hand of Lord, since cars don't exist in his time. But that's something clearly I'll get to.

Anyway, we drove down to Goldenrod City in some back alley when we stopped. Then 15 different guys came out, Alakazam blazing. You see, back in those days, we had primitive forms of pokeballs, and we generally just tame them pokemon instead of capturing them for the most part. So I was like, “I'm finished here already?”

That wasn't the case, because that guy Gary ended up doing something causing them all to go kaput. But like kaput in this case is more like disappearing kaput, not the “I'm leaving you because he has money” kind of kaput. It was like the heavens were twirling around in circles by the time I calmed down enough to observe my surroundings. Apparently it took Gary a while because he knocked me out a couple of times.

So what was happening was like the world actually is observing the birth of like the new legendary guy, almost like how it would be like them godly people up somewhere creating gods or something. Anyways, the world was twirling around the city, and I swear that nobody is seeing this at all. Gary was saying something like, “Yo man, this looks like it would be the Apocalypse if we don't do something.”

So I asked him what was going on, and he filled me in about this. Apparently basically the world is witnessing the birth of one of its latest legends, which is causing the world to actually be shattering under its sheer weight or something. Basically speaking, we needed to find the thing before the legend blows up our world, and probably like send it up to Arceus or something. So we split into two different groups...err...people. But you get what I mean about that.

We really had no idea where this guy is, you know. I seriously think that this was madness. Madness? This is the Order of the Chattering Teeth I'm talking about here. We are the definition of madness. So I took it and ran. You know how I had like a lucky shoe stuck up my bum or something? It turned out that this was the time, since it took me maybe 15 minutes to find the kid. Yes, it was some kid apparently dreaming of some ginormous pokemon that controlled the minds of people or something like that. He also just happened to imagine it to be 500 million tons in weight. The kid was probably a ton himself anyways: a ton of dumb dumb that is.

Anyways, I found the kid who was with his mom or something. Hottest woman I've seen, by the way, in my life. Since both parties were oblivious, I did the most obvious thing, which was to chatter as much as I could with the two of them. As I took that initiative, Everything became less scary and more of a pitiful state. Awesome. I even got her number at some point in time. Lost it by the time I left town though. Anyways, Apparently that was what happened to cause the world to lose this 500 million ton legend that was supposedly to have been born in order to destroy the world.

Of course, if that was it, it would have been quite the feat already, but that was not just it. I saw Arceus himself, remember? So basically after that happened, I was knocked out by some sharp object or another. And then I awakened in some dream-like state or something. Then I saw his majesty you know. He stared at me for a while before stopping. My guess is that he didn't really appreciate what I did to his newest legend. Honestly, I don't think that was that big of a deal. Legends pop up a dime a dozen anyways.

By the time I woke up from that, I knew that the Order was my calling. You know, I did the whole “becoming a monk thing” too. I was also in a hospital for sharp trauma on the back of the head, similar to something like a purse with a brick in it or something. Anyways, Apparently Gary lost his car because Arceus torched it. Actually, from that point on, I wasn't so lucky anymore either. That was all of the luck I've got, or at least whatever I had Arceus took from me anyways. Hey join the Order of the Chattering Teeth would ya? I vaguely recall you being in the book somewhere too.

Ah well, so that's how it all happened sonny. Sounds like it was a blast right? I'm sure it was. Hey, you've got one of those magnifying glasses or something? I want to read that out-of-order prophecies book again before I go. Oh right, page 15, line 65: Thou shall not re-