[WAR] Humor

[The Nonexistent Tazz]

SO! Apparently this is my only shot at entering in humor. Ladies and Gentlemen, sit down and shut the f*** up, because your chances of winning this thing are officially dead in the water. Watch in abject horror as I kinda-sorta riff on Neo's Dream Diary with OCs!

INTRODUCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENG!!!!!!!...

Markus Novolos, the eternally angry! Legendary Trainer and Pyrokinetic of GCeA!

Markus: I hate you. I really, really do.

...Moving on!

Craig Thallaso, the kid in an eternal caffine rush! Also from GCeA!

Craig: WHOOOOOOOOO!!!

Markus: Oh, come the f***-

And, his, er, 'lovely girlfriend,' Nancy!!!! Or, if you want to get all official, Diancie!!!!

Craig: S**T!

Nancy: Wheeeeeee! *Glomps Craig*

Markus: *Is suddenly sorry for Craig*

That guy who is almost eternally between the Astereiks, THE LPW8 NARRATOR!!

*...Wait, you're involving the Narrator?!*

YES I AM!! I'M ALSO TAKING OVER YOUR DUTIES WHILE I'M AT IT!

**I, the assistant Narrator, who you will hear no further of, watch as the Narrator is kicked out of his seat and is replaced by a nonexistent entity.**

Narrator:...Well, at least I don't have two jobs to do now...I BETTER STILL BE ON PAYROLL, TAZZ!!!

*SPEAKING OF TAZZ-oh, great, Asterisks. Well, SPEAKING OF TAZZ, HERE'S THE THINLY-VEILED PARODY OF MYSELF FROM LPW8!!! TAZANITE!!!*

Tazanite: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I WILL CRUSH YOU ALL LIKE A- *Is promptly attacked by everyone else*

Nancy: NO YOU WILL NOT!

Markus: I WILL F***ING GUT YOU TAZANITE!!!

Narrator: THERE'S NOTHING TO KILL HERE, TAZZ, D**MIT!!

Craig: *Stands well away from the fight*

*...INTRODUCING AVALON, FROM THAT OLD EON SKY FIC I DID THAT I REALLY WANT TO RE-WRITE! ALSO ONE OF MARKUS'ES WORST ENEMIES EVER!!!*

Avalon: Oh, hello all!

Markus: *Attempts to knife Avalon while saying things that would get me banned from PxR. Miserably fails.*

Avalon: Is this how I'm greeted, every time?! You even tried to knife a hallucination of me! I was not even responsible for that hallucination! You even KNEW it was a hallucination of me! Like, seriously?! Are you really just that much of a dumba**?! Is it just some natural dumba** compulsion to attempt to kill me EVERY TIME my fleeting image comes up?!

Narrator: Besides, as the Narrator, I can tell you that Tazz currently has access to a button to effectively stop any bulls**t, and I know for a fact he's a little too interested in his little plan for Avvie to let him truly die anytime soon. You're wasting your energy, pal!

*Hey, don't tell HIM that!*

Avalon: *To my displeasure, he's intrigued and not very happy about it.* Hang the f*** on, you're saying that he's got plans for me?! I don't follow no plans but my own, and whoever thinks they can control me, f*** off!!

Markus: ARE YOU SAYING I CAN'T KILL THAT-*Degenerates into more things that would get me banned from PxR*

Tazanite: THAT COLOR OF TEXT SEEMS ODDLY FAMILIAR!

Narrator: *Attempts to say more. Wait, f***, no!!!*

*ALSO INTRODUCING THE LOVELY MADWOMON, SCYEZ THE LUCARIO!!!*

Scyez: YAAAAAAAAY! YAAAAAAAAAY! IT'S THINGAMABOB DAY!!!

Avalon: Nobody touch her! NOBODY F***ING TOUCH THE CRAZY LUCARIO OR I WILL HAVE YOR HEAD!

Scyez: YAAAAY! Master Avvie! YAAAAAAAAY!!! *attempts to hug Avalon. You know, with the spike on her chest. Avalon nimbly dodges the unintentional threat to his life*

Craig: *Is suddenly realizing what he signed up for* YeahIreallythinkIneedtogo-*Finds there are no exists whatsoever*-Ohcomethef***on!

Nancy: *Is tightly hugging Craig.*

*COMING FROM WORLD WAR TERMINUS, HERE'S YARVICK XELSEZ, THE RATICAAAAATE!!!*

Yarvick: Wait, I was told there would be gold here! Gold I could take...

Tazanite: ARE YOU THINKING OF MY PHAT L00T?!!? COME HERE!!! *Attempts to murder Yarvick*

Yarvick: S**t! *Flees Tazanite*

*ALSO, INTRODUCING YARVICK'S MOST POWERFUL PARTNER IN CRIME, HYPERION THE DEOXXXXYSSSSS!!!!

Hyperion: *Levitates Tazanite away from Yarvick with telekinesis*...Why did you even WHISPER that aloud?!

Yarvick: I WAS, IN FACT, TOLD THERE WOULD BE GOLD!!

Narrator: Your text color is gold.

Yarvick:...F***ing conman I will find you and take everything you have-

*AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, THE MOST TESTOSTERONE-PACKED BEING IN ALL OF EXISTENCE! HE'S GOT FOUR TIMES THE TESTOSTERONE OF MISTER TORGUE, A MAN WITH FOUR TIMES THE TESTOSTERONE OF SAXTON HALE, A MAN WITH 4 TIMES THE TESTOSTERONE OF THE FOURTH MOST TESTOSTERONE-PACKED THING IN EXISTENCE! HE MAKES WHITE PAINT! HE RULES A NATION OF MAGIKARP! HE'S GOT A REALLY BAD CASE OF DIABETES THAT IS NOT HIS FAULT! LADIES AND GENTLEMAN...MACHOKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARP!!!

MACHOKARP: HELLO!!!

Avalon: So, a 30-foot tall fishman?...I could see you causing all sorts of carnage...I could get a lot of use out of you, good sir...

MACHOKARP: I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN CAST IN A MONSTER MOVIE BEFORE, BUT THEY REALLY REGRETTED IT BECAUSE I KIND OF CAUSED MORE PROPERTY DAMAGE THAN THEY COULD GROSS IN THE CINEMA!!!

Markus: *Is suddenly considering trying to capture MACHOKARP*

Craig: *Is thinking likewise*

*NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO...RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!*

THE ARENA FIGHT

It all first started with a rectangular-shaped area that looked like a massive school gym where a huge audience was watching some muscular Asian Rambo-like dude try to make his way across a tightrope, but he falls at just the very end. See, the problem was he was trying to get across using his hands, but yeah, that sure didn't work out.

Next, a huge amount of the watching audience is called into the arena to engage in a total free for all, and they use just about anything handed to them. A few people expected this to happen from the start and were ready with their own weapons (near-lethal), some magical power, and costumes, but most of us had no idea this was going to happen and we were totally taken by surprise. At first, everything was totally frantic with people chaotically fighting until it was down to me and some small, black-haired Asian girl after everyone else had been eliminated.

Before trying to take her out, I used some magical ability to suddenly sprout glowing green angel-like wings that no one knew about except for me, and even I wasn't sure this spell would work in the first place or if it would just make me look like an idiot. I tried it and it actually DOES work, but as I'm flying, I move really quickly and I constantly have to fly all over the place, turning and swerving to avoid crashing into the walls. I eventually get used to flying with these wings, so I try to swoop down and strike her, but she kept moving around and it was hard for me to hit her. The few times I make the shot, I use those two Jupiter of the Monkey pins from The World Ends With You, the E one (with the slashing ability) and the Muramasa one (that one that has an uppercut attack). After short and powerful strikes, I take flight again, and the Asian girl seems defenseless. The fight carries on for over an hour with neither of us giving up while the audience gets bored. At one point, she tries using some discarded plastic keg container to try and bring me down, but it doesn't work and I use it against her instead, and this time it hits her but only has a minimal effect (of course). After a long fight, some judge, an older woman who looks a lot like a typical grade school teacher, declares the battle to be a draw and the dream ends.

COMMENTS: We definitely need more events like this.

Tazanite:...YOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!! JOIN LPW8 NOW!!! PLEEEEEEEEASE!!! YOU'D FIT RIGHT IN!!!

Markus: Dumba**, it's a dream, he doesn't have those powers.

Tazanite: Now how do you know that he doesn't have those powers?!

Avalon: He said it was a dream, it's unlikely he has those powers, you know, IRL.

Tazanite: I'LL GIVE HIM THOSE POWERS, SOMEHOW, JUST JOIN ALREADY!

Avalon:...My advice to you, Emolga, is to carefully consider-

Tazanite: THE PROMISE OF EXTRAORDINARY L00T!!!

Narrator: Tazanite is the kind to self-promote, or rather, search for good canidates to hire to his lovely faction of mercenaries. I'd also be interested in narrating what kind of madness he gets himself into myself...

MACHOKARP: DO NOT JOIN, HE'S JUST A HUGE COWARD WHO'D TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR WEAKNESSES AND KICK YOUR-!

Narrator: Neo would be on Tazanite's side, MACHOKARP, not yours.

MACHOKARP: DO NOT JOIN, I DO NOT WANT MORE INTERRUPTIONS TO MY PERFECTLY LEGAL WHITE PAINT MANUFACTORY OR MY RIGOROUS WORKOUT ROUTINES!

Scyez: Oh oh oh! Master Avvie, Master Avvie! Why did the guy do the thingy with his hands instead of his face?

Markus: No f***ing clue, it's a Dream, you could be king of the universe and control space down to the atom, and nobody would bat-

Scyez: Master Avvie, why did he do it with his hands instead of his face?! I wanna know!

Avalon: *With a trollish face and a near-flawless mimicry of Markus'es voice* No f***ing clue, it's a Dream, you could be king of the universe and control space down to the atom, and nobody would bat an eye.

Scyez: Oh. Hey, NO HURTING MASTER AVVIE! *Restrains Markus, who had lost his s**t.*

Yarvick: SOMEONE needs temper control...But, you know, you could just hire me to steal his s**t if you want...

Hyperion: Yarvick, why are you promoting your services to a guy we may not even see ever again?

Markus: *Internally considers it*

Yarvick: There aren't any laws about it...

Craig: Ithoughtweweresupposedtoriffoffofhisdream?

Nancy: Who cares, I have yoooooooou! *Hugs Craig tighter*

Craig: Soumhowaboutthatcrazyspellhuh?Reallyweirdandintere sting?!

MACHOKARP: I HAVE SEEN WINGS MADE OF ROCK CANDY, IT'S NOT REALLY ALL THAT INTERESTING IN THE LONG RUN. JUST SEEMS LIKE ANOTHER FIGHT AGAINST LOW-LEVEL HEROES TO ME. NEXT!

MY SISTER'S NEW GUINEA PIG

Dreamed my sister got a new cream-colored guinea pig in the time I was out doing something else while everyone else had been waiting in the car. He seems fine in the car, but then we bring him inside a restaurant, he gets antsy, goes under the table, and we struggle to keep him from running away all over the place.

COMMENTS: I guess we forgot to buy an actual cage for the rodent.

...

...

...

*OK, WHY AREN'T YOU TALKING?*

Avalon: I've got no material about this. The only weird bit is forgetting to buy a cage...And that's not really egregious compared to, say, essentially becoming a hummingbird and fighting it out in a massive brawl...

Narrator: Yeah, boring.

Tazanite: Lame. Laaaaaaaaaaaaaame.

Scyez: YAAAAY! PRETTY FURRY MINI PIG THINGY! YAAAAAAAAY!

Markus: *Is attempting to silently call out his Blastoise*

Yarvick: *Had already stolen Markus'es whole belt*

Hyperion: Hoo boy.

Markus: Hey, wait a minute...*notices Yarvick and his lack of belt* OI! THIEF! *Attemps to stab Yarvick, but is narrowly held back by Hyperion.* GIVE THAT BACK!!

MACHOKARP: *Takes the belt away from Yarvick and gives it back to Markus* TRUE MEN NEVER STEAL! THEY MAY FIGHT TO THE DEATH, BUT NEVER STEAL! PETTY!

Narrator: For love of existence, NEXT!!!

THE SHAFT

So, I'm getting in an elevator with another mother and her two children. I realize by looking through the gap between the elevator and the door, we are at least several stories up. Meanwhile, the gap is at least a foot and a half wide from the doors, which causes a problem for the two kids considering they're small enough to fall through there. They're afraid to jump across the gap to get into the elevator, but the mother just doesn't care and refuses to help them.

COMMENTS: So when they grow up to be rebellious, beer-guzzling goths later on in life, mama should know where she went wrong.

Tazanite: THAT IS A CLEAR BREACH IN OSHA BUILDING CODE! That mother should sue the architects!

Avalon: If that Architect were a real person, the only reason I wouldn't be paying a nice visit and punching him/her an express ticket to hell is because he/she would already be in jail...

Markus: Avvie acts all high and mighty sometimes, but he's a monster, and nobody here better forget that. He-

Scyez: Bad people forced him to! Avvie doesn't like fighting! He doesn't like getting hurt! He's really really REALLY nice! But bad people keep trying to hurt him for no reason, so he hurts them back! Bad people! I don't get why they do that, though. But Avvie is soft and nice and cute and adorable, and he loves me!

Markus: But-

Scyez: Soft and nice and cute and adorable, and he loves me!

Markus: But-

Scyez: Soft, nice, cute, adorable, and he loves me!

Markus: BUT-

Scyez SOFT NICE CUTE ADORABLE, AND HE LOVES ME! And I love him too! *Attempts to hug Avalon again, but he dodges away.

Hyperion: Oh, good, I thought I was mad for following a clear-as-day kleptomanic just because he raised me effectively from birth, before I became a Deoxys...But clearly a mentally-unhinged Lucario is equally zealous to what appears to be a man who'd make Giovanni look like a charity worker who effectively poops out rainbows! Oh, wait.

Yarvick: I am not that bad! And in any case, we do NOT know what he did...Yet. And you said we ought to not make business deals with people we aren't going to see, ever again! Not like we'll be working for him.

Markus: Good, because he-

Tazanite: HAS A FAMILIAR TEXT COLOR TO SOME GUY I KNOW! BUT THAT'S IRRELEVANT! All I picked up from that dream is that some horrible architect is about to get her a** sued to the high heavens, and when that happens, I WILL BE THERE, EATING POPCORN!

MACHOKARP: THAT WAS A HORRIBLE WOMAN! TRUE MANHOOD INCLUDES, WHEN APPLICABLE (WHICH IS NOT IN MY CASE), EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD PARENTHOOD! AND THOUGH SHE MAY NOT BE A MAN, THE SAME STANDARDS SHOULD STILL APPLY!

Narrator: That one was already covered by Neo.

MACHOKARP: I MUST STILL MAKE THAT POINT! THERE IS SUCH HORRIBLE MORAL DEGREDATION THESE DAYS, AND TRUE MANLINESS MUST HAVE MORALS!

Markus: It must also have a volume switch that DOES, in fact, go down! Dear Arceus, can you get quieter?!

MACHOKARP: THIS IS ACTUALLY ME WHISPERING, MARKUS. WHISPERING. MY FULL TONE OF VOICE WOULD PROBABLY BREAK THE ROOM OR SOMETHING.

Nancy: Craig, this is getting boooooooring, is there something more fun to at least read?

Craig: NEXTNEXTNEXTPLEASE!!!

ODD SUPERMARKET SHOPPING

I was going supermarket shopping with my brother and a few of his friends. Everyone goes in and just grabs their own shopping cart while the line to get in is chaotically zig-zagging by the front door. We skip past the line and I get in first and order cheese, but since I don't really know what cheese the rest of the family wants, I just order whatever seems good. I also pay in cash. I also quickly realize each area of the supermarket has their station stalls, kind of like a farmer's market. One section with salad dressings and other condiments seems oddly shaped ends up being laid out like the backyard at our house. Also, I was wearing a Little Mermaid backpack that my brother's friend and I were joking about earlier, but I simply told him I had "just gotten it for free" and then I showed him the black one I usually use.

COMMENTS: Yeah, something about pride being on the line because a Little Mermaid backpack just isn't as MANLY as a big, black one.

Nancy: This is almost incomprehensible! I don't even know what a supermarket is! Next!

Craig: *Sweating profusely*

Avalon:...Why do you have a girlfriend like that?!

Markus: You're just looking for an excuse to kill-

Craig: *Gives a look that is almost verbatim with 'PLEASE KILL HER!'

Avalon: *Writes down 'Nancy' on his 'Bills to Kill' list.*

MACHOKARP: *Steps on Nancy with the power of PURE TESTOSTERONE!!!*

Nancy: Owwie! *Slips out from under MACHOKARP's foot, mostly unharmed. Everyone else just looks like they've been slapped in the face*

Craig: *Gives a look that is almost verbatim with 'PLEASE TRY HARDER!!'

Avalon: *Removes Nancy from the 'Bills to Kill' list, and puts her on the 'to murder with EXTREME PREJUDICE' list.*...So, that Little Mermaid backpack!

*No reaction*

Avalon:...Nobody hear knows about the Little Mermaid?

*Everyone else raises their hands.*

Avalon: *Faceplam* No culture whatsoever, it seems...OK, NEXT!

DID IT REALLY HAPPEN?

Our family was at the dinner table and my mom and my sister were attacked from behind by some black blur. At one point they seem dead, but later on in the dream, they were totally fine as if nothing ever happened. They even try to help me pin down the attacker...

...which somehow leads to me being escorted to some large airplane hangar/warehouse place where they're storing very large and overstuffed Pokémon plush toys, including a giant Lugia one.

COMMENTS: Yeah, I think I took a wrong turn somewhere along the line.

Avalon: Sounds like MY work. Except they'd stay dead if it were MY work.

Tazanite: No, Neo died too, he just respawned at the warehouse place.

Craig: Buthewasescortedtothewarehouseplacehowcouldherespa wn?!

Narrator: To the, erm, unenlightened, respawning feels like you just got taken away to somewhere else with an egregious timeskip. Clearly the most safe place was that warehouse. Why was it stuffed with Pokemon plushes, though?

Nancy: They were REAL Pokemon, and bigger than normal! He just didn't realize it because they were standing REALLY still!

Scyez: Ooh ooh ooh ooh! That means the big stormy brainy bird guy is there! And they're plushies, so they're all SUPER-CUDDULEWY! Avvie, take me there, I wanna cuddle with plushie Pokes! PLUSHIE POOOOKES! Also we can stop the big stormy brainy bird guy from attacking you, Avvie.

Avalon: *Politely nods* Yeah, that sounds like an awesome idea. *Turns to Yarvick, the nearest guy* No, it's not.

Markus: Maybe one was Darkrai? He's really quick and fast and kills nigh-instantly...No, wait, no, he's not a violent type at all. More likely snogging Cresselia than anything.

MACHOKARP: IT'S AN IMPOSSIBLE MYSTERY! IT SHALL HAUNT ME TO THE END OF MY LIFE!

Tazanite: I DID IT! BECAUSE I WAS BORED!

Narrator: He's too lazy to lie and bad at it, too. Tazanite did it. End of mystery! NEXT!

DARK HOMESTEAD

Now I'm on some strange island where there is a small, somewhat innocent-looking house and a square gazebo. A group of wizards and myself are waiting for someone or something to arrive at shore, I wasn't even sure what, but strange creatures and abominations keep trying to emerge from the house. Most of them seem impervious to our magic spells, but we're able to keep pushing them back into the house. Once most of them get pushed back in, we keep them contained for a bit longer by using our magic to put wood and other barricades over the windows and doors. But soon enough, they're strong enough to push them away and break through, but we're at least buying time.

We decide to just flat out destroy the house, but it's just not possible even after we've tried launching fireballs and other similar spells of destruction at it. Some time passes and we manage to temporarily focus our attention elsewhere after we believe we managed to seal up the house for good. However, I discover a large group of zombies have broken out and have already started spreading all over the island. I then attempt to push them back in, although it seems like I really have my work cut out for me.

COMMENTS: It's the Walking Dead/Survivor/Harry Potter crossover!

Narrator: Seems like a standard adventure to me. Hardly anything of note.

Tazanite: Those would be some hideously over-leveled zombies, though.

MACHOKARP: BUT WHAT LEVEL WERE THE SPELLS? 9999, OR SOMETHING A LOT WEAKER?

Markus: What the f*** are you guys even talking about, this is NOT an RPG!

Avalon: Yes it is, you didn't learn about that in school? I thought it was very obvious! *Trollface returns as he mimics an old history teacher* 'Today, we are going to talk about the developers of our very existence, Square Enix!'

Craig: I'veseenweirderbeenweirderdoneweirderRPGworldOK!

Tazanite: You having those stats is a PHYSICAL IMPOSSIBILITY!!! But NOT Neo! He's too cool to not have no stats.

Nancy: Craig, what are your stats? You're too cool to not have no stats either!

Craig: *starts vibrating from sheer hyperactivity, sending sweat everywhere. He does NOT have stats.* Ummummummummcan'tremembersorry!

Hyperion: Yarvick, what did we walk into?!

Yarvick: I have absolutely no idea. I was told there would be gold, but then I get lunatics raving about nigh-random topics. Speaking of topics, NEXT!

THE COMPOUND ISLAND

So I'm dreaming I'm on another island, having a few of the same magic powers from other dream. The island is much bigger this time, and has several large compounds that seem to be heavily guarded. While I'm here, I'm also on some quest to obtain Hummingbird Potion, although I have no idea why I need it or why I'm even trying to get it in the first place. All I know is that it gives whoever guzzles this stuff down the ability to fly really crazy fast at crazy extreme speeds. And the dream ends like that, extremely unclimatically.

COMMENTS: I sure love my energy drinks, don't I?

Yarvick: Well, that explains the green angel wings from The Arena Fight perfectly! He drunk Hummingbird Juice, learned a spell to harness its mighty powers, and BAM! Sense!

Hyperion: I guess that explains one thing...

Nancy: I need some of that! I can't catch up to my precious Craig even when we're walking! He's superfast! Right?

Craig: Yeahyeahveryfastveryfast!

Nancy: Yeah, see! Superfast!

Yarvick: You survive a freaking 30-foot tall fishman, an absolutely RIPPED fishman too mind, you're clearly nigh-impossible to kill...Why are you THAT slow? Your muscle density must be better than Machamp!

Nancy: Oh, I'm a Legend, made of diamonds! Watch! *Turns into Diancie, with much sparking* Ta-da!

Yarvick:...Diamonds. Made of Daimonds.

Craig: Yes,madeofdiamondshehehehe!

Yarvick: *Is attempting to not drool at the prospect*

Hyperion: Wonderful, one of my many gods in the Pokemon pantheon is also completely off of her rocker. That is just fantastic news...And all you can think about is that she's made of diamonds.

Yarvick: Can you...

Nancy: Make diamonds? Yes! Sooooo Easy, here, watch! *Makes a fist-sized Diamond in front of her face, then gives it to Craig.*

Yarvick: *Trying hard not to drool out of sheer excitement*

Hyperion:...And now he's just completely ignoring everything over the fact she can make diamonds. There are already too many of those things in the world...NEXT!

BATTLEFIELD BAD COMPANY 3: THE DISAPPOINTMENT

I'm now in this warehouse and storage area that has become one of the multiplayer maps in Battlefield Bad Company 2, but instead of guns, we're using cans of spray paint that seem to shoot really long distances. I was able to get the drop on people who were just camping around, but at one point, they added a bunch of civilians to the game that were just standing around and weren't doing anything at all.

COMMENTS: See, this is why we still need first person shooter games to be rated M for Mature.

Narrator: You clearly had a psychic vision of the future and saw some version of Splatoon.

Tazanite: Except without the ability to turn into a Squid. And you completely forgot about painting the area.

MACHOKARP: VIDEO GAMES ARE NOT EXTREMELY MANLY, NOT ENOUGH FOR ME, BUT I FIND THE LACK OF REAL ACTION HORRIBLY UNSATISFYING, AND MY STRICT MORAL CODE OF MANLINESS DOES NOT COVER VIDEO GAMES. I FEEL YOUR DISSAPOINTMENT, NEO.

Avalon: It's the only shooter game I couldn't emulate in real-life while cheating at it with metokinesis. But, it's the only one where I don't have even a remote chance of dying. Hrm, which do I like more...

Markus: Whoever thought of that game is either stupid or brilliant in a way I don't realize, but I think it's stupid.

IRISH RENAISSANCE FAIRE

So, I'm now at this major festival that plays out like a really huge Renaissance Faire and everyone is wearing colorful costumes. I'm with a group of people that have Irish accents, and for the time being, I try to fake one just to fit in. Meanwhile, all of us in this group are wearing very soft green and white clothing. At one point, I get some kind of varsity lettering added to the back of my costume, but I forget what exactly they were spelling out. Besides that, the costume also came with a large, soft, rounded hat but had a few flaps on the ears and back.

We then start to head toward an eating area where several other groups were gathering, all wearing similar costumes to ours, just different colors and with other small variances. On the way there, I see many desserts and pastries prepared and presented along with other ornamental pieces depicting fantasy creatures such as fairies, mermaids, and so on. I also break out into song, singing something in another language.

On the way there, I suddenly realize this is a dream (oh, only just now!?) and the temptation to manipulate the heck out of it comes to mind, but I actually decide that despite the dream being idiotic and crazy, it still seems fun and I just decide to roll along with it for now. But there was still this weird, tugging sensation when I realized things were starting to change a bit according to my weird desires. But I stopped because I was also afraid people in the dream might become suspicious.

I then realize I totally skipped ahead of the rest of my Irish friends I was with and I was totally alone, singing to myself. I headed back to find them again and I realize they're sitting down at the eating area without me, already cutting up and serving some purple-colored cake. The portions being served among the group are totally off with some people obviously having way bigger pieces than other people. But hey, I at least get a nice, average sized piece to enjoy before the dream ends.

COMMENTS: I need to figure out what I ate prior to that night and never, never eat it again.

Markus:...That is WEIRD, that tugging sensation. For a Renaissance Fair style event, that doesn't even sound remotely implausible, except that last bit. I don't get that when I dream lucidly.

Avalon: You don't even control your dreams at all when you dream. You just get plopped into the body of a Caterpie with memories you didn't recall and then start getting to work.

Markus: HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?!

Avalon: You didn't make it a huge secret, dumba**. Not like I can't just find out whatever isn't that blatantly obvious. *Parries Markus'es attempts at going for his neck* Like that you would attempt to kill me yet again, right there.

Narrator: That could not have been more telegraphed.

Tazanite: HIS EASE OF BLOCKING IS CLEARLY YOUR FAULT! *Pointing at Markus*

Scyez: Oh oh oh, wait! Master Avvie, Master Avvie! Why were they giving out cake if it wasn't a birthday?

Avalon: Because cake is NOT exclusive to birthdays?

Scyez: Don't be silly, of course it is! It's just like how Waffles play ping-pong with Nuffledorvs!

Tazanite: OK, What is a Nuffledorv, WHERE can I find it, AND HOW EASILY DOES IT DIE?!

Scyez: They're adorable ping-pong playing thingies that only play with Waffles.

Narrator: Tazanite, you're not seriously thinking of making trap ping-pong courses with opponent waffles just to lure out a creature who probably does not exist, right? Right? Right?

Tazanite: Maybe.

Craig: OKtheresaquestionthatiskindofbuggingmewhatisirish?

Avalon:...OK, how many other people here don't know what 'Irish' is?

*Everyone raises their hands.*

Avalon:...I don't want to live in this existence anymore. You people. How is that even possible? How?

Yarvick: Because I haven't even heard of an 'Irish,' and have no idea what the f*** is weird about this dream except maybe the purple cake being eaten in inappropriately proportioned slices?

Markus: No, it's because he's such a huge a**hole that it's hiding the fact of what an 'Irish' is from us.

Avalon: I'm not even Irish and it feels like I'm being stabbed in the gut. NEXT!

THE ORDER PROTECTION

So now I'm part of the Order of the Phoenix from Harry Potter. The only issue with this dream is that nothing much has happened and they're reusing the same set from the Compound Island dream that I had the other night. Oh, and there weren't any battles either.

COMMENTS: See, I would have totally walked out on that movie if it was like this.

*Everyone raises their hands except Avalon*

Avalon: DO NOT TELL ME YOU HAVE NOT HEARD OF HARRY POTTER! DO NOT TELL ME THAT! DO NOT TELL ME! NO, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS BULLS**T, NEXT!!! NEEEEXT!!!

TROPICAL ISLAND OF WEIRDNESS

Now I'm on yet another island where my brother and I are taking some accounting exam from some young, bearded professor who warns us that there might be a little trigonometry on it as well. Afterwards, my brother and I, along with several other guys that were taking this exam, all go for a swim at the beach during the night. And then a short while later, we end up back at some hotel room.

Some kind of show goes on later with the theme of Martians and aliens invading the island, but the whole thing ends up being really cheesy and stupid, and I make the comment of feeling like I'm "just a supporting character in a crappy movie" when they try to make the show have audience interaction. Despite all the special effects of a made-up Mars blocking out the light of the moon and giant animatronic aliens, we roll our eyes at the big budget epic fail of a show and just leave to go grab dinner.

My whole family is there at this resort-like place, and the multiple restaurants look like they're based off of that Paradise Island city-building game I used to have for my old smartphone. The weird thing is all of the restaurant names have logos and signs that have graffiti-like fonts and it makes it impossible to read them. Then we're given some offer of moving chairs (WTF) and just as we're looking at the restaurant menus, I notice the list of items on the menus is exceptionally small and limited.

COMMENTS: I'm really glad I didn't have to pay a dime for that vacation.

Narrator: That is the single worst vacation I have ever heard of. Martains. Really? Pfft, people, Martains are even farther back than humanity, and aren't even on Mars.

Tazanite: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT MARS IS!

Nancy: This is boring! Next!

INSIDE JOB

Now I'm a member of the Sopranos, only I have a very minor supporting role in the family, such as driving members to their destinations, along with other simple errands. What I do know is that I'm trying to slowly break away from my involvement from the family without looking suspicious.

At one point, I'm approached by two FBI agents while I'm in my car at the parking lot of a courthouse. They ask me several questions about the Sopranos, but I only give them minor, ambiguous details and white lies. They managed to track me again later while I'm driving down some country road.

One piece of evidence I have on me seems strange, which happens to be a picture frame, but instead of a picture, there are words within the frame. The words detail a series of murders that were performed on March 11, but I don't remember what year it said. There also seems to be a hidden compartment in the back, but I never open it. The FBI agents find this picture frame and ask me about it, but they're totally confused about it and don't understand it's purpose or connection with the Sopranos.

COMMENTS: Not even the FBI understands my dreams.

Avalon: I don't know what the Sopranos are, but I get a good picture anyways. In any case, lucky you that you were barely related...Try leaving when you were at the heart of some illegal organization that just BEGS you 'please don't go we need you,' like you need some f***ing teenager to fix your problems-

Tazanite: WE INTERRUPT THIS PERIOD OF DEEP LOATHING AND CONFLICT ON PART OF A VAUGELY-FAMILIAR GUY TO BRING YOU THIS ANNOUNCEMENT: Those FBI agents were as dumb as hell.

Narrator: Agreed, fully. The instant they saw that picture frame, they should have taken it and you for further questioning. This is why intelligence and wisdom is NOT a stat, it's just so non-indicative of someone's actual capacity to actually know things.

Markus: *Sits there depressed, as he's totally into Law Enforcement*

Yarvick: Murder is so...Sloppy. If you want something taken, go and take it. It's not even a moral code, it's just plain old pragmatism, a failsafe, in case you get caught you're not going to jail for life. This is pretty boring though...Next!

RUSSIA AFTER DARK

I'm in some first person shooter game set in Russia during the winter, although it seems like the game constantly switches from first person to third person all over the place, kind of like Metal Gear Solid 4. Meanwhile, I'm working with several squadmates to take out some military warlords with AK-47 rifles.

One of the really weird things about this scenario is we all have these unusual powers. While we're making our way around the Russian compounds and military bases, we can transform into different animals and creatures like butterflies, rabbits, and... mermen. And we're also able to go underwater, climb walls, and walk on ceilings. all used to help our covert mission. To justify this weirdness, I'm simply told by one of my squadmates that these are just powers and anomalies, like this kind of weirdness is perfectly acceptable, and it's just us using the weirdness that the corrupted military is creating against them before we shut them down.

COMMENTS: In Soviet Russia... ... you know, I don't even know where to go with this one.

Avalon: In Soviet Russia, you don't look for dames, the dames look for you. Hehehe...

*Everyone raises their hands*

Avalon: OH COME THE F***-Screw it, don't bother asking, not telling. It's just so PAINFUL to see those hands in the air.

Markus: *Makes a point of putting his hand in the air at random junctures*

[COLOR="#D3D3D3]Avalon: All those powers seemed really good, though. Transformation, ignorance of gravity, waterbreathing...That could be a great game.[/COLOR]

Tazanite: So true. AlsojoinLPW8wehavecookies-

Narrator: *Stuffs Tazanite's face in with a cloth* It's promotion for my job, but he is so annoying about it.

Nancy: This is still so boooooooring, NEXT!

TRAPPED AT THE PARK

I'm driving alone to some theme park in my Dodge Challenger. The name of this place makes it sound like a Dave & Buster's, only the park looks and feels a lot more like Busch Gardens.

The weird thing is that it also seems like the park never closes. When I get there, I run into a lot of issues paying for my parking pass, and it just happens to be around 1:30 AM at night. Also, for some reason, I'm being charged $50 for the parking pass. I tell the attendant that's ridiculously high, and the young African-American lady there just agrees but nothing is done about it. I then try to pay in cash, but for some reason, it seems like almost all the bills in my wallet have been changed into Japanese Yen. I'm able to find a few single dollar bills buried among all of this Japanese money, but I keep losing count of how much money I actually have in the process of trying to find usable bills to pay with. I get pulled off to the side to stop me from blocking everyone else trying to get in, and it seems like it takes me hours to resolve the issue I'm having with these guards. I finally manage to pull out enough money to pay for the parking pass, but I need to head into the park to get to an ATM, as I had essentially nothing legal tender at this point. However, ironically, I'm somehow able to get into the park itself without paying.

The park is also ridiculously crowded despite this late hour, and the whole time, no one suspects I was able to get in without paying for anything except for the overpriced parking pass. I also get lost and find myself ending up on lines to go onto boat rides and log flumes I had no intention of going on in the first place.

I also run into one of my brother's friends while I'm there, only it seems his leg is broken and he can't walk that well at all. Instead of using a wheelchair, he's using an office chair with wheels to get around. I decide to help him out by pushing him around while he helps me find my way back to the park's entrance. At some points, we end up having to cross over rivers by means of stone bridges. There are several moments during our... adventure where he thinks he can walk again, but he ends up being wrong and can only do it for a short distance before we need to rely on the chair again to get him around.

By now, it's dawn and we finally make it back to the park's entrance. I decide to try and call home to let them know I'm going to stay at the park until the late afternoon, and only then do I decide to finally get my car parked and actually pay for the ticket now.

COMMENTS: So after all that headache to get out of there, I end up wanting to stay there LONGER!?

Nancy: *Attempts to yell 'Next,' but is handily muted by Tazz, who is currently Narratingin the Narrator's steed. She then makes angry faces and then slumps down in a corner, highly unsatisfied.*

Craig: Thatisareallyweirdparkmustbepopularthoughtogetthat manypeopleatsuchalatehour!

Markus: Oh dear Arceus, talk like a human being, Mr. Caffine!

Craig: Youguysjustseemsoslow!

Markus: I AM MARKUS F***ING NOVOLOS AND I TALK AT A F***ING REASONABLE SPEED, AND ARCEUS HELP ME, SO WILL YOU, OR I WILL-

Craig: Wait, you, Markus, you, legendary, you, uh, um, Autograph? Uh, uh, uh-*Craig faints*

Avalon: Way to go, Markus, way to go. Make your fans faint.

Markus: What the f***?!

Nancy: *Attempts to strangle Markus*

Avalon: Also getting her insane Legend girlfriend agrivated at you. Way to go with that, too.

MACHOKARP: *Removes Nancy from Markus'es throat* YOU, DIANCIE, ARE QUITE FRANKLY INSANE, TO A POINT WHERE I FEEL IT IS ACTUALLY WITHIN MY MANLY DUTIES TO SLAY YOU!

Craig: *Unfaints* Really?!

MACHOKARP: YES, REALLY!

Hyperion: *Rescues Nancy from MACHOKARP's grip with the power of telekinesis* I do not care if she's mad! She just needs time and careful management by caring, loving people to be mentally fixed, her problem is born of conditions, not of birth like Scyez-

Avalon: *Has stolen Markus'es Knife and is attempting to murder Hyperion with it. Yarvick attacks him from behind, attempting to harm him, to minimal success. Tazanite is joining in, attempting to attack anything within reach of his Ax.*

Narrator: My money's on Tazanite.

Scyez: NUUUUUUUUUU STOP FIGHTING! *Yanks the combatants away* MORE WORD-MAKING STUFF NO BAD THINGIES NEXT!

TOTAL WARDROBE MALFUNCTION

I dreamed I had just gotten a pair of black costume angel wings, but they seemed to change size and shape all throughout the duration of the dream. And for some weird reason, I felt the wings looked great accompanied with a sports jacket I was also wearing.

We were also clearing out the closets and some of the furniture, mostly the dressers. I didn't know the reason why, however. I figured we were just getting rid of old clothing.

I also seemed to change heights at random times. At some points, it felt like I was normal size while at others, I was only three feet tall, having to look far up at the clothing hanging in my closet.

COMMENTS: I've got way bigger issues going on than clearing out my old clothes... >.<

Scyez: YAAAAY! No fighting! YAAAAAAAAY!!!

Narrator: Well, great, there goes the most interesting thing to have happened by far!

Markus: *Sits slumped to a wall, completely unbelieving a whole fight that could have resulted in Avvie's death just stopped*

Craig: *Joins him, unhappy over Nancy's continued survival*

Nancy: *Hugs Craig tight, still unable to speak*

Scyez: Oh oh oh! Master Avvie, Master Avvie! Why was he shrinking?

Avalon: He contracted Merlin sickness, his age rewound at random points.

Tazanite: But Merlin sickness doesn't-

Scyez: Master Avvie, why did the wings change size too?

Avalon: They caught inconsistency disorder.

Tazanite: But that doesn't exist-

Narrator: It actually does. Watch Toy Story sometime. Look at the Christmas lights.

Tazanite: F***!!!

MACHOKARP: THE INCURABLE BANE TO ITEM SIZE EVERYWHERE!!! CURSE YOU, INCONSISTENCY DISORDER!!!

Avalon: *Made it up* but-

*...OK, that's all we've got time for! NARRATOR, GET BACK IN HERE! EVERYONE ELSE, GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE!*

Avalon: But-

*OR ELSE!!!*

Narrator: *Rushes back to resume control* OH S**T, HE'S GOT THE UBER BLASTER!!

Tazanite: F***!!! EVERYONE, RUN!

*As the Narrator resumes his proper position, Tazz has the pleasure of shooting the Uber Blaster wildly while everyone else rushes out of the room*

...AND THAT IS MY HUMOR ENTRY! MOSTLY UNRELATED CHARACTER INTERACTION WITH A THIN BASIS ON RIFFING NEO'S DREAM JOURNAL! 9001/10, Error 37, THAT'S ALL FOLKS!!!