[WAR] The Nature of Things

[Grassy_Aggron]

Interesting story, I must admit. I like the wild animal approach, and Donphan and Phanpy was a nice touch. That being said, I felt this was a bit too short, and I couldn't really get attached to the baby Phanpy. How does a Darmanitan take out an entire herd? I would have liked to know more on this.

This story has potential, and I would like to see it expanded upon, but I really feel the shortness here hampered the story rather than helped it. Now, you don't need to write a novel to tell a good story, but it's always important to put some character attachment into a story so the readers can feel the loss. The Donphan dying wasn't even really that sad, honestly. The emotion just wasn't there.

I encourage you to keep going, though, I can see you are on the right path and experimenting! I look forward to seeing what new stories you write <3

[Tenacity]

Interesting story, I must admit. I like the wild animal approach, and Donphan and Phanpy was a nice touch.

Thank you. I wanted to take a different approach to the other entrants by not focusing on such a 'domesticated' stance of death. :)

That being said, I felt this was a bit too short, and I couldn't really get attached to the baby Phanpy. How does a Darmanitan take out an entire herd? I would have liked to know more on this.

This story has potential, and I would like to see it expanded upon, but I really feel the shortness here hampered the story rather than helped it. Now, you don't need to write a novel to tell a good story, but it's always important to put some character attachment into a story so the readers can feel the loss. The Donphan dying wasn't even really that sad, honestly. The emotion just wasn't there.

Oh, definitely. xD It was certainly rushed due to the time constraints. I thought about this, and I think half the problem was with the use of omniscient narration. I was telling the audience lots of information, such as about the desert and how it is inaccessible to humans, and all of the characteristics of the Darmanitan. Such information could have been portrayed as actual scenes, such as people attempting to access the area and failing, or a previous scene showing a Darmanitan actually taking out a herd. That way, when the Darmanitan shows up and attacks the Gomazou, it'd have more presence. Perhaps I can work on this post-contest in order to add that in. :)

Another problem, I think, is the fact that none of the individual members within the herd stand out. Although this is much how we view wild animals in real life (with no particular member of a group of animals standing out unless they do something unusual or look unusual), you're right that it did make the Donphan mother's sacrifice lack depth and emotion. I think I focused too much on it being an accurate portrayal of how wild Pokemon would behave than on the individual characters themselves, and the story suffered as a result.

I encourage you to keep going, though, I can see you are on the right path and experimenting! I look forward to seeing what new stories you write <3

I will. :) Hopefully this week will produce some better work. Thank you for your comments. <3