Alpha (PG-13)

[Suicune's Fire]

Hey there, Chloe. :] Firstly I'd like to say that it brings a smile to my face to know that you find writing to be a good outlet for your depression. I've too have suffered from it, although only in minor bouts. I can definitely recognise that I am one of the luckier ones. I've had friends who have suffered greatly from it as well, and it's definitely never anything to be taken lightly. I don't know what to think about your confession of attempted suicide in an open forum like this, as it's open to literally everyone who has internet access. However, how much exposure your personal journey gets is nothing for me to express my opinion on, as clearly sharing it is your choice. :] You have my sympathy on the matter and I truly hope you can overcome this enormous obstacle in your path. It's definitely possible, so try not to give up hope. PXR is a great community full of support if you need us. :]

However! I am also here to critique your story. xD I'll focus on grammar first and then give you an overview of my opinion on the story itself and its writing.

Look at me, just look at me.

This is a good opening statement to make. However, for both visual impact and grammatical correctness, that comma should be either a period or a semicolon. Technically those two sentences are not joined by any joining word, and therefore a sentence separator such as a period or semicolon is required. Even if it's a small sentence. ;]

I'm a german shepherd.

"German Shepherd" needs to have capital letters.

I was once like you, my life was so much greater back then. You probably just thing being a dog is great, well, I hate to admit it but you're wrong. I look at myself and think, "this isn't who I am. Why is my reflection someone I don't know?"

Again, in a few spots, the commas should be either semicolons or periods. In every place that sounds like the two sentence halves could stand as their own sentences, you'll likely need semicolons. Because in that case, they're separate sentences that you're trying to incorrectly join with a comma. At the start of those quotations, the t in "this" needs to be a capital. I'm not going to quote every instance of this because it'll be too tedious for both you and I, so I'll let you work it out. :]

"Finally, figured it out" it was a male, that looked like a purple-wearing Dumbledore. He saw me and shouted "hey you!"

With speech, you need to use punctuation as much as you would in normal sentences. I'm not sure if "Finally, figured it out" is meant to be saying "you finally figured it out" or if it's him saying to himself that he's figured it out. In which case, the comma doesn't need to be there. Also, you need a full stop at the end of "out" because quotations need punctuation. In this case, the "i" of "it" needs to be a capital, because you're establishing that the speech and what follows the speech are two separate sentences. Also, before you mention speech if it's in the middle of a sentence, you need a comma. As well as that, because you're talking about a person, "who" might be a better word to use than "that." Also, before addressing characters (or in this case, something that references the character, which is "you"), there needs to be a comma. So with all those adjustments, those two sentences should read like this:

"Finally figured it out." It was a male who looked like a purple-wearing Dumbledore. He saw me and shouted, "Hey, you!"

He used some sort of magic to pull me towards him "you trespasser! As punishment I transform you into your spirit animal" I was scared but I couldn't move. Then I felt myself getting warmer and furrier. It felt weird but it didn't hurt much at all. I looked at my reflection in a puddle and realized what I had become. "Hmm" muttered the figure "I expected a different animal but alright then."

As well as all the grammatical errors, I found myself confused here. The first post says that the character is a German Shepherd, but now they're a human being turned into a dog? It wasn't clear that the character was human at the start of the second post.

Even with a caring owner I got abused many times.

I'm struggling to understand how a caring owner could be abusive. My definition of a caring owner is someone who wouldn't abuse their animals... Maybe if this was worded differently it would make more sense. x)

You know, sniff out the drugs, attack the guy on the protective suit on command, fo stuff right and get a tennis ball, do stuff wrong and get verbally assaulted.

'fo' should be 'do.'

Life is ok with my master, I guess.

'ok' is technically incorrect, I believe, and I read it as "ock." It's more correct to write it as "okay" or "OK" in capital letters, just not "ok" in lowercase letters.

That's it for the corrections, although as I said, there were ones I didn't go over because they were repeats of previous errors. Mostly the comma thing, which I'm sure you'll get better with through practice. I understand this is a story based on your experiences, which I think is great for inspiration material and actually retelling your story, but it seems more like a recap or a diary entry than an actual story. I'd like to actually be taken through the journey as a story would take you, rather than be given an overview. It makes it a lot harder to understand the ins and outs of what the character is going through.

I like the idea of being turned into a dog. It's a whole new world, experience, and it's overall out of the character's depths. It's a great metaphor. I think there's a lot that could be done with that. The last thing I wanted to mention was that all these posts are ridiculously short. If all three of these posts were just one, I'd still think it was extremely short. I'd suggest building up actual chapters and making them a lot longer. :]

Anyway, nice work so far, and I'm looking forward to improvements and reading more!


~SF.