Tri-Kappa Labs

[Noblejanobii]

Ah yeah! Those "biscuits" are usually just called cookies where I live. Unless they have a jelly or jam filling, then they're either called "Fig Newtons" or "Tarts."

Yeah I've heard of scones. Though I'm not sure if watching American television making fun of the British is a credible source. But then again, I've actually had I believe it was blueberry scones once. They were like biscuits except really hard. In case that sentence didn't make it obvious, biscuits here are really chewy and soft, like a slice of bread except chewier and fluffier.

Ah yes English muffins! I travel a lot and many of the Mariotts I stay in have English muffins for breakfast though we may be referring to two different kinds of English muffins since we all know America likes to rename things to things they aren't (cough soccer cough).

Yeah more coding stuff to learn. XD Sorry I only know basic BB so size coding is somewhat out of my knowledge.

1) Oh man. You have no idea. My friends and I tried to make a list of all the alternate identities Sloane had in my various stories and roleplays. She was one of my first OCs back in the fifth or sixth grade. We hadn't even gotten out of middle school yet and she already had over 200 different identities. It's crazy.
2) No rush on the reading either. But I will warn you the whole "forced hero" role does actually somewhat fall upon a character that you'll be meeting soon (in chapter 4 or 5 I believe), but not in the way you'd expect.
3) Nah man, whenever someone proofreads my stuff, commas are always the most common error. You'd think I'd learn by now but nope.

[Suicune's Fire]

Oh wow, really? xD Fair enough. x) Differences in language are amazing, even within the same language! xD

Oh I see. Well scones aren't meant to be hard so they were doing something wrong. xD They're meant to be fluffy and doughy. I don't like them that much though. xD

LOL, again, language differences! But we call it soccer too. xD

Haha, it's not really coding stuff! Don't worry. It's simple forum stuff, really. XD It's super easy.

1) OH MY GOSH THAT'S A LOT OF SLOANES. XD
2) Ooh I see! O: I'll look forward to that then! xD
3) Bahaha, well hopefully soon. ;D I mean, I AM a pretty good teacher. *flicks hair* XD


OKAY HERE WE GO. Chapter 3!

"Ah ah ah. Let me finish explaining everything first before I get to that."

I believe this is one of those "Oh, no you don't!" sort of ah-ah-ahs. The way it is, I read it as him saying "Ah" as a noise of understanding. Like when you ask a question and someone answers you, and you go, "Ah, okay." If I'm right about the tone, then I would suggest putting hyphens between them so it's "Ah-ah-ah" instead. This joins the sound better and makes the intention clearer.

"Anyway, the members here at Roman Charioteers form teams, usually of about 8-10 members to balance out the team.

Given what I said about writing out numbers in the previous chapter's review, do you see what I mean about how unnatural it is to read it in speech? Things need to be spelled as words in speech. So this should say "eight to ten." Get rid of aaaalllllll symbols if they're spoken out as words. :]

We all have to work together or else we won't function well as a team and die whenever we face the Greek Riders.

This makes it sound like he's saying they'll die every time they face the Riders. In other words, they'll all repeatedly die, come back to life, then die again when they run into them. xD It IS speech, however, so it's different to narration given that this might be how he speaks, but if you want to make it a little clearer, saying "one or more of us could die whenever we face the Greek Riders" instead might work better. :]

Greek Riders had made an advance in science that surpassed anything out scientists had done earlier.

"out" should be "our." :] I make this typo all the time. xD

They're power houses already but unlike us their bases are active all the time so while we have to take time to activate our bases, they're already using theirs and can easily attack us.

See how long this sentence is right now? With commas, yes, it would be just as long, but intonations would be clearer. If it were me, I'd actually separate it into two sentences like so:

They're power houses already, but, unlike us, their bases are active all the time. So, while we have to take time to activate our bases, they're already using theirs and can easily attack us.

Ever since that advancement they've began to win and they're now attacking governments.

I know it's speech that I'm targeting again, but I thought I should point it out in case you were unsure. This should be "begun," because of the use of "they've," short for "they have." If it was "Ever since that advancement, they began to win" THEN it could be 'began,' but the use of 'have' makes it a past participle, and it turns from 'began' to 'begun.' Like swam and swum, drank and drunk, etc. Again, if HE doesn't know that what he's saying is incorrect, then that's a different story, but as I said, thought I'd point it out in case you didn't know. :]

Pushing in our chairs, Quill lead me to a side corridor that was very dark and very small.

Should be "led" again here. :]

We began to climb up the stairs, the stairs spiraling like spider stairs.

You just said "stairs" three times in one short sentence. xD Also I have no clue what spider stairs are. I would suggest taking out the last two and finding a way to word the sentence so only one 'stairs' makes its way in there. xD

"This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race" by Fall out boy

It's a band name, and therefore proper nouns. Should be "Fall Out Boy."

Sloane and Quill lead me back downstairs to the main hallway area.

Okay, I suggest doing a CTRL F search through the entire story and replacing all past tense "lead"s with "led" because I'm not gonna quote it every time I see it. xD

He then hit the number twenty-three,

I find it slightly amusing that you write out numbers as symbols in speech, where they should be words, and then write it out in words where it's acceptable to have them as symbols. XD lel.

She has decided to join our team but on the conditions that we tell her what our bases our and get her a base as well.

This should be "what our bases are." :]

"I am Pokemon #715, Noivern the Sound Wave Pokemon.

Although it is okay to have 715 written as symbols, having the hash symbol instead of saying "number" is not. It's a symbol, so banish it from speech to narration! O:<

I also have the characteristic "likes to fight" which increases my attack power.

I can accept everything else game-specific, but this characteristic irks me. The only reason it's in the games is to give players a sense for the IVs of the pokemon, or to make them seem like they have more personality. In a real world scenario, having characteristics like this sort of don't make sense. If, however, Sloane was to then explain that characteristics like this were typically gained once you transformed, then that makes sense. Like, if she explained that there was some sort of 'chart' that contained typical characteristics which had been researched through months/years of study to have certain effects because each person with the same characteristic had something in common... That would make more sense, I think. xD Otherwise it sounds like you're just transferring details from the game that are mechanics specifically created to make pokemon seem more lifelike in that setting. I hope that makes sense.

I have the ability Blaze

I know the moves Eruption, flame wheel, brick break, and aerial ace.

Firstly, I noticed that you didn't capitalise "infiltrator" while in Sloane's paragraph, but you've capitalised blaze here. Similarly, with the attacks, you've capitalised the E in eruption but nothing else. Either capitalise them or don't. Inconsistency isn't good! The same thing also occurs with some of the others' 'title,' like, 'Leaf Pokemon' when you capitalised 'Volcano Pokemon.'

I also have the Mild nature which increases my special attack by lowers my defense.

'by' should be 'but.'

I have the modest nature and have the characteristic "loves to eat" which increases my HP.

Alrighty, this is where the games and the real world of pokemon cannot cross paths properly. HP is a game mechanic that makes it easier for players to understand how much 'life' their pokemon have, right? It doesn't translate to real life. Humans don't have HP. Animals don't have HP. It's solely a game mechanic. Therefore, you need to translate it to something that would make sense for the real world. If she said "which increases my durability," or "which enables me to take more damage than normal," it would be a whole lot better. :]

Our scientists have to test your DNA to determine the bases, generation, and breed best fit for you.

I'm not quite sure, but I think this sentence makes sense. It just sounds awkward because of the way you're using 'fit.' Adding in 'that are the' after 'breed' would make it sound better. Or 'that best fit you' would also work.

Both Quill and I's faces went red.

I's is certainly not correct. xD Do you ever say that? Take out "Both Quill and" to see what word you should be using here. Yes, my. Both Quill and my faces went red. xD Maybe it would be better worded as "Both my face and Quill's went red."

Everything was white and the place stunk of medicine.

Remember what I said about 'began' and 'begun'? Well, you've used the equivalent of 'begun' here. In this case, it's 'stank' and 'stunk.' It should be 'stank' because there is no 'had' before it. :]

Quill opened his mouth to explain but Dr. Mullins stopped his with a wave of his hand.

Should be 'him' and not 'his' after 'stopped.' :]

"Lay back."

Should be 'Lie,' not 'Lay.' Lay is the past tense of lie.

I heard Quill say something just before I descended into darkness,

"Welcome Alice, to the rabbit hole."

Because you put 'something' in there, a comma at the end is incorrect. Get rid of it and the comma is correct. I would also put that on the same line as the speech, but if you were going for a more dramatic, 'the speech is on its own line for extra effect' then that's fine. :]


Another chapter down! I found this one interesting because it described more about the fusions and such, and we got to learn more about the characters too. I had a few issues with the way you had everyone say what they were fused with and such, though, because I found it very mechanical. They all followed the same formula, said everything the same, and as you already know, I had an issue with the way you likened it so much to the games. Usually my opinion is that pokemon should be able to learn more than just four moves because that seems stupidly minimal, but in the case of a human fused with a pokemon, it makes sense that they'd have those kinds of limitations. I mean, there's only so much their bodies are capable of. But the way the characters described their nature, characteristics, attacks, and abilities was too rigid. It was clear that you were taking all that information from the games instead of translating it to real-world stuff. I mean, what the heck is a critical hit in the real world?! In the games it makes sense--it's a lucky hit that happens to do more damage, but that seems a lot less plausible in a real world setting. I mean, half of them have exaggerated attack power, meaning that their moves could be considered permanent critical hits. But just saying all of this stuff without explaining it further to make it believable in real world terms makes it seem a little off. I hope you know where I'm coming from.

I also feel like the way the characters were presenting everything to Shayla could have had more character. Like I said, they basically repeated the format one after the other, with no indication of their character aside from "my nature is blah blah."

Another thing that confused me was when Quill and Shayla kept saying "bases." I had no clue what they were talking about until the group got together and were saying "My DNA base is blah blah." When Quill first mentions DNA bases, he says it once. Then he talks about the Greek Riders and keeps mentioning 'bases' but he doesn't clarify that they're DNA bases. Maybe I'm just stupid but when he first talked about the GR's bases in that speech paragraph, I thought he was talking about bases that were places they had themselves stationed. Like, you know, home-base or 'a base in this location' type of thing. XD Like a hideout or headquarters. When he said that their bases were always active, I was thinking, "Why don't the Romans have their bases active? Why are they inactive? Wouldn't they have guards stationed there and be operating the bases at all times for defence?" XD So yeah, I dunno if I'm just stupid or what. But the bases thing confused me, so maybe if she asks what they are and he briefly explains the term "DNA bases" to her then that might make it easier for silly readers like me.

I enjoyed this one a lot, though. I'm keen to see where this goes and especially what the DNA base is that Shayla gets. Also, I'm really surprised that she didn't ask more questions. I want to know why there were multiple quilava/cyndaquil fused people. XD What's so special about that particular breed? Or were they one of the only pokemon they could get their hands on? I also want to know how they "evolve" their DNA base. I was surprised Shayla didn't ask about that either. Also, I was wondering how pokemon existed if Shayla didn't know about them. And what's the deal with Trebble? He's a full-blown charmander but it wasn't explained if he was originally human, or if he was fully pokemon, or what. If so, can all pokemon speak human language, or is it just him? Also, HOW the heck did they get a hold of legendaries, especially Mew?! It's a wonder.

I'm wondering, is Shayla familiar with pokemon games at all? She seemed to know of its existence, but it was never explained whether or not she plays it, or if she even knows what the species they're talking about all are. I would have liked to see more inner thoughts, especially given that it's a first person story, because there's barely any insight into Shayla's thoughts. Most of the narration is description about what's happening rather than Shayla's feelings or views. I love when you do slip in little things that describe her character, like when she says things like "yep, you guessed it" and other opinionated things. Don't be afraid to chuck them in all the time. I mean, it IS from her perspective, so everything she's seeing has the potential to have an opinion attached to it.


Main things I pointed out:
1. Capitalisation inconsistencies. Make sure you always, or never, capitalise things like abilities, pokemon species, attacks, items, etc. Either one or the other. I don't capitalise any of them personally because I don't consider them proper nouns, but it's up to you.
2. 'Lead' and 'led'! xD So many places.
3. Still about the speech thing. Commas instead of periods at the end with lowercase letters following!
4. Commas before names if they're being addressed, commas after things like "well," commas mid-sentence where they're warranted, etc. I'm sure you can figure this out yourself by reading through it. :]
5. The game-to-real-life stuff. Make sure you're not turning mechanics created for the sake of gaming into story-inclusive elements. This works for a lot of things like abilities and maybe even IVs, but even if you don't describe them the way the games do, it would benefit the story's believability.
6. Character-defining body language, speech and thoughts. This includes Shayla.


Great work so far, though. :] I hope you never take offence to anything I say; I'm really just trying to offer as much input as I can to help you! :D I'm enjoying it so far so expect to hear more from me soon! 8D

[Noblejanobii]

Ok I can't respond to all of this so here's the major cliff notes that I can give you.

1. Why so many quilavas/Cyndaquils? Well, see these guys are actually based on fusion and recolor sprites I made in my spare time. Since quilava is one of the easier Pokemon for me to manipulate it was one of the most commonly used ones I made. Therefore it and Cyndaquils are going to be more common amongst the fusions.
2. Trebble's true identity is intentionally vague since it plays into the plot into the future. He's full on charmander for a reason and it wasn't exactly by his own choosing. That's all I can say for now.
3. Ah yeah I was trying to parallel these to the games as much as possible to show how complex the mechanics with these guys are. HP, in my mind at least, was meant to be like how long they could hold up their base. I guess if I had to explain it, it'd be like that fusions can only go full base for a set amount of time. Their "HP" is the time limit in a sense.
4. How'd they get the DNA? They recreated it to the best of their ability. You haven't met any yet but the Roman Charioteers have very intelligent scientists in their ranks, but I like taking creative liberties with this so IMAGINATION!!
5. I'll try and go back and edit in a base explanation. Sorry, sometimes I forget to explain things because it makes sense to me as an author, so the readers are kind of left to figure it out themselves.
6. Evolving the bases is actually a fairly rare process despite it being talked about so much in that chapter. It's not very important to the plot since Shayla will never evolve her base but to give a brief explanation. When member first get their base, they have to take a test which you'll see in the next chapter. To evolve their base they have to take the test again to see if their base is ready and then undergo an extensive and extremely painful surgery to replace all of their base DNA with new base DNA. If I ever have a Q&A session, you can ask Joey about it and he'll explain it in more depth. XD

Yes language differences! And really? I thought only Americans called it soccer. Are you guys imperial or metric system users?

Ok yeah maybe not the same thing since all the scones here are rock hard.

Still beyond my knowledge.

1) Yes many Sloanes. They don't all have the same last name though. Most of the earlier ones don't even have last names.
2) I swear it's not cliche because the way he is/was a forced hero is different.
3) Lol yes.

[Suicune's Fire]

YES YOU CAN! TRYYYY!!!!!

1. ...Yes, but that doesn't explain the in-story logic. xD If it's YOUR preference, then you need to explain why it's their preference too. You could slip in some bulldust explanation like "This pokemon happened to be the particular species we chose to experiment with for consistency's sake" or something. xD That'd work.
2. Okay, that make sense, but if that's the case, then you need to make allusions to that in the story. Maybe have Shayla ask what his deal is and then she doesn't get a clear answer, which makes her wonder, or something like that. Then it lets the reader know that the writer has thought about it in that much detail and that there IS an explanation for it...just not one that's being revealed yet. Otherwise it just looks like you haven't bothered to address it. xD
3. See, THAT'S a good explanation! So work that into the story. Whenever I ask you stuff like this in comments, I don't mean for you to then go and explain it to me outside of the story. It needs to be incorporated within the story. I'm one reader; what about everyone else who wonders the same thing, and who doesn't know why it wasn't explained in the story? :]
4. xD I meant more like, wouldn't they have to have a source? Go out and capture pokemon and extract their DNA? That is plausible, but finding legendaries to extract DNA from is a wonder. Unless they were volunteers (which could be believable). Also again, explanation within the story is what I'm after. ;]
5. Haha, that's okay. I do that too! It's something authors unconsciously do sometimes so it's normal.
6. Ooh I see. Well, I think the Q&A is unnecessary if it's explained in the story somewhere. xD But I'll keep reading. Maybe I'll get more answers further on.

I find that with stories, a lot of the time, if there isn't an explanation for everything then that's totally okay. It's just that, in order for it to feel like there is an explanation and that the author knows the answer, there needs to be some sort of hint toward it within the story. For instance, Shayla asking a question, or even thinking something about Trebble (as an example). That shows us that the author is aware that there are unanswered complications to the setting, and gives us hope that they'll be answered later on as well. xD

Nup, we do too, because we have our own football sport. It's different to American football/gridiron though. xD And lol. Silly scones. Well they're sort of hard, but that's if they're stale... xD

Where did you come up with the name "Sloane"? O: Was it just a name you liked?

Also waaahh, all this Tri-Kappa Labs reading makes me want to write my own stories. xD I need to get out of my writer's block!

[Noblejanobii]

Nyeh.

1. Well, as it should have been explained, they don't pick their bases. It's randomly decided through a series of tests they go through. That's why Sloane is a purebreed versus a fusion. It was what was most compatible with their DNA when they took the test.

2. I felt I actually played it off quite well by claiming the fact that he was a Pokemon instead of a base user. Quill explained that in chapter… 3 I believe? Briefly yes but he does state that Trebble is a living breathing Pokemon. How is again, intentionally vague, but given the whole science deal it's implied that he was created from scratch.

3. Yeah I'll probably rewrite the chapters at some point or another.

4. Well that's the thing though, it isn't possible since Pokemon technically don't exist in this world since it is based on Earth. The Roman Charioteers scientists created the DNA through various tests and experiments.

5. Eh what can you do?

6. Well since it's not like essential to the plot it will probably be left unexplained unless I need like a filler or something. That's all.

I do think she actually talks to Trebble briefly in one of the other chapters but I can't remember which for the life of me.

What is it then? Like rugby or something? I personally don't like them because they're so hard.

Yeah I guess you could say that. XD It's actually my first name. Jackson isn't my last name, I changed that for obvious reasons.

Well if you ever update let me know so I can read your story.

[Suicune's Fire]

1. Okay, I see. Still though, out of 721 pokemon, Cyndaquil/Quilava were used for a good few of them. Just curious is all. c:

2. I understood that, but I was under the impression that pokemon had been gathered and then their DNA was extracted from them and then used on humans. I actually had no clue the scientists made the pokemon from scratch. o__o Maybe that was a detail I missed. xD Hm.

3. Ah okay. xD Rewriting can be fun! I did that with one of my stories when I began to post them in other places. I was like, "Well I can't post this mess from years before..." Then fixed it all up. It was fun.

4. Riiiiiiight. That is sort of unclear. I thought they did exist but they were hiding somewhere, or something like that. xD I dunno.

5. Have reviewers like me to point things out! 8D

6. I know, but it's still something that can't hurt to explain. xD

I suppose I'll find out the more I read it! And nah, it's not like rugby. Well I guess you could say all football is like each other, but their differences vary. xP Ooh, that make sense about your name, then! xD I was friends with someone on DeviantART called Sloane. She was cool. All Sloanes must be pretty cool, except the one from Eragon. XD And I'll be sure to update my story soon. I've had half a chapter typed up for ages but I haven't finished it. I really need to though. x___x

[Noblejanobii]

1. Yeah, solely because those were the Pokemon I sprite with the most. XD

2. I'll try to make that more clear when I rewrite the story.

3. Dude I can remember doing that for my stories once and I was like "how many typos did I make?"

4. That'd be a cool one and (fun fact) was actually part of the beta plan for this story. Geez the plot has changed so much from when I first came up with the idea for Tri-Kappa Labs.

5. True true.

6. Yeah maybe. Like I said, maybe if I get bored I'll throw in a Q&A just for the heck of it.

Yeah certain plot items will become more clear as time goes on though I can totally see you having an issue with a mechanic I've implemented in the later chapters. XD

Dude, the Hispanics at my school would kill you for saying that. XD Soccer and American football are very different.

It's actually funny because my name is so uncommon that when I see it in the media I'm always so happy about it. Like in the movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off, the main female character was named Sloane. The irony of it all was the day I saw that I was actually skipping school for a field trip (which is skipping for nerds :3) and if you've watched the movie you'd get the irony.

Just let me know.

[Suicune's Fire]

1. xD Well as long as it works for the story!

2. Awesome. :]

3. Yeah, same. xD Or silly things that didn't make much sense. They were abundant for me. I used to have super awkwardly worded sentences. xD Glad I grew out of that.

4. I think it's pretty normal for the original idea of a story to warp so dramatically. xD At least, that's how practically all of my stories go. x: I prefer it that way though. :3

6. Lol okay. xD

OH NOOOOO! xD Well I'll get to that I bet! cx

Nuuuu, I meant all of our versions of football, not the soccer version of football. xD That's totally different. I was referring more to the footballs where you can touch it with hands and feet. x)

OH MY GOSH THAT IS AWESOME. XD Yes, I have seen it but I barely remember any of it because it was so long ago. And lol, all I remember is that she was his girlfriend and she showed up at the school pretending to be his mother, and then they made out when they got to the car and the principal (or a teacher or something) was watching. XD And got all freaked out. lelelel. I should watch that again. But that's like my name! It's uncommon as well. xD There was a "Xanthe's Hairdressers" near me at one point, which was exciting, but I never got to go there before it closed down. xD Oh well. There can be only one anyway!!!

I'm not going to work on my main pokemon story first; instead, I want to finish a darn one-shot that I started back in 2013. I need to finish it! xD Then to my regular story it is. :] I haven't written it in over a year... :[

(My orange text is slowly consuming more of my posts... >:3)

[Noblejanobii]

1. There will be others I promise.

3. Eh maybe one day I will too.

4. You want to hear the old plot?

Lol football.

*applauds* Cery nice.

Lol have fun with that.

(Slowly but surely)

[Suicune's Fire]

There's only really one thing worth responding to, and yes! I would love to hear the old plot. xD Not that I really know the new one yet. x)