Pious Odyssey

[Suicune's Fire]

@Zeromus

Errors first, then comments! :D

“Nova! What are you doing?” a male eevee shouted at his friend. “All of the legendaries and other humans are leaving! You need to hurry up and make it through the portal back to your time before it’s too late!”

Moments ago, the pikachu had been running with her friend towards the portal that would lead her back to her timeline and place that she originally had come from.

It seems a little redundant to have the dialogue explain pretty much exactly what's going on, and then for the narration to then reiterate it. It's kind of like, "here, have too much exposition!" xD

She was hesitent to leave though in the first place, after all this world had come to be her new home

Should be 'hesitant.' :]

Secondly and much more importantly, I've spotted your first recurring error. That comma after "place" should be a semicolon. I would also say that there should be a comma after "after all" considering it's one of those small phrases that you'd take a breath at. Getting back to the semicolon/comma issue, do you see that by reading that sentence, you can notice that there is no joining words between the text before and after the comma? If there is no joining word, then there must be a semicolon or a period. If the two halves of that sentence (i.e. either side of the comma) can stand on their own and make sense, then you know there should be a semicolon. Let me show you an example:

She was hesitant to leave though in the first place. After all this world had come to be her new home.

You'll notice that both sentences stand on their own. However, by adding a "because" (a joining word) and subtracting the "after all," we see this:

She was hesitant to leave though in the first place, because this world had come to be her new home.

However, trying to put both halves on their own as separate sentences, we get this fragmented piece of text:

She was hesitant to leave though in the first place. Because this world had come to be her new home.

I could give a better example, such as this, where a comma should occur: "If you separate this quoted text with a period. The first half wouldn't make sense as a standalone sentence." The appropriate variation of that sentence where a semicolon is used would be "You can separate this quoted text with a semicolon; now both parts are fragmented and can stand alone." When this occurs and the two halves are very similar and warrant a semicolon rather than a period, a semicolon can be used. "No joining word? No comma!

To her, her exploration team was more than just her team, it was her family.

Same applies here with the semicolon rule. However, I'm not going to point out every time you do this, as it would take me a long time, so I'll leave it up to you to find and edit things yourself. xD

He wanted to set an example for the entire world to see, to forewarn us of events to come.

I find it odd that you've used a first person expression here (us). The story isn't being told from first person, so I see no reason for that to be in there. Perhaps a switch to "everyone within distance" or something. xD

and his laughter that would continue to echo through her dreams every night for the rest of Nova’s life.

I would switch around "her" and "Nova" so her name comes first. You haven't mentioned her in a good number of sentences, so it reminds us who you're talking about.

he proclaimed that his actions today were merely a showcase of his capabilities

I'm quite confused due to the fact that you've used "today" and then in the next paragraph, you stated that it happened three years ago. That's inconsistent time management. o:

“Let go of me you freak!

Because Heatran is addressing someone, there needs to be a comma after "me."

shaking the giant bear off of his leg and sending him falling back onto the grass below.

A little pet peeve of mine in pokemon stories is when people refer to pokemon solely as animals. They are not animals. They are pokemon. Unless there are bears in the pokemon world and Nova is comparing him to a bear which she has either heard of or encountered before, then there is no reason that noun should be used. UNLESS it's written as "bear-like pokemon" because that...makes more sense. xD

Growling at the persistent pokemon, he bellowed “I said, you are on your own! Figure out how to sort this entire mess out yourself if you don’t want to die!”

After "bellowed" there needs to be a comma. Before all speech, you need punctuation. Some quotes are different, but for speech, you always need a comma or a colon before it. :]

Still rising into the darkened and cloudy sky, Heatran noticed Nova looking at him.

Nova could only stare wordlessly as she watched the Lava Dome pokemon continue his ascent into the heavens until she saw him disappear into the clouds above before there was a bright flash of light.

...I am so confused. xD Since when could Heatran fly?! They're fire and steel types?

She then shifted her gaze towards the crying and crumpled form of the ursaring laying on the ground

"laying" should be "lying." If he was laying, he would be setting something down on the ground. Lying is not only telling a fib, but it is also the verb for reclining.

When she had first met him in Treasure Town not long after her arrival, she remembered him being a carefree and relaxed mon, spending most of his days hanging around his teddiursa best friend.

If you're going to use "mon" as an abbreviated term, it would be appropriate to put an apostrophe before it. :]

Ursaring was a mess after that,

I don't understand why most pokemon have names except this ursaring and also the heatran. xD

Star shouted once again trying to grab a hold of his friend’s attention.

You need a comma somewhere in here. It should be after "shouted" or it should be after "again." Is he shouting once again, or is he shouting, once again trying to grab her? Comma clarify these things!

Righto! 8D That wasn't the end of the grammatical errors due to the places I neglected to point things out in, because I want you to go through and find them all. I have two major points for you to focus on in regards to grammar thus far:

1. Commas. You seem to have a lack for them. Think of writing in terms of speaking--not in regard to phrasing and vocabulary, but in terms of pauses. Pauses are where you need the commas, as well as other grammatically correct places, such as when you use a comma before addressing someone.

2. Commas vs. semicolon sentences. I hope I explained this well enough for you to recognise them when you come across them now. It's a very common error, and I've explained it to countless writers. :] There were many instances where you need to change commas to semicolons.

Overall, the plot seems interesting. I think that a lot was explained in this prologue, but at the same time, it went pretty quickly. I think you could have taken the time to explain a few more things, such as why there was a random heatran in the middle of nowhere, and where they actually all were. The only thing that was given to us was the mention of Treasure Town, and I don't even know if that's where they were. I imagined them in some random field somewhere. I also don't know if this charizard is going after random pokemon, or if he's just sitting in a throne somewhere, or what. It's like you gave us a bit of context but then left some out. Also I don't think that a hug between two would last for several minutes, like you described, as that seems a little bit long. ESPECIALLY in the frenzy of pokemon running toward a portal. That's another thing! Where is the portal? Who opened it? Who's going, exactly? Why can Nova and Star run so easily toward it while the ursaring was stuck there like a helpless child, probably only a few metres away? He could just have easily run to the portal, right? I don't know. xD

I do like the set-up. I'm curious to see what happens, but since it's so early, I can't give much more feedback than this. I've only read the prologue, so I'll comment on chapter one next time. :] Keep it up! Hope this helped.