The Trial of Juno Saga [PG-13]

[Suicune's Fire]

Typos and errors first! :]

Chapter 9

because to know one's enemy is dangerous knowledge to expose to expose to him.

Double 'expose to'!


Chapter 10

Spoiler:

No wonder he was so keen into wanting to battle us.

I find this wording to be slightly odd. 'into' should be 'on'? Or get rid of "into wanting."

Everything in the room was hit with force and wind, and even Coldblood himself had to steel himself against the celestial wind as even the whole building trembled

The double 'even' in this sentence puts me off a little.

almost seemingly glowing white for a few seconds before it settled. It actually took me a few seconds to start breathing again.

Just double "a few seconds." :]

“Obviously, no one has ever won this tournament other than Randy,” Coldblood told me the obvious. “That’s why Randy now has at least fifty slaves. You have to be the one to fight Randy in the final round, and you have to be the one who wins. I can only wish you the best of luck from here on in.”

Hearing Coldblood say this makes me wonder how long, exactly, Randy's imaginary world has been around. It was my impression that it's been less than a week, but the way Coldblood is describing it makes it sound like it's been years, or months, or something. If it has been under a week, then saying "nobody has ever beaten him" sounds a little extreme. Also, he says nobody can just go up and challenge Randy willy-nilly, so it sounds as if he'd only have tournaments every so often. Unless it was explained that this world has existed for years, and I just missed that. xD

Chapter 11

Spoiler:

It was a long march back to Victory City, but it was far more hopeful

"I" was more hopeful?

Oddly enough, inside, I was feeling sensations that I'm sure regular Pikachus never feel.

I'm sure you know that the plural of every pokemon species doesn't end with an s. This should be "regular Pikachu never feel," unless you're consciously rebelling against it and stuck an s on there for that purpose. xD

And when we finally meet that next day, I got a whole lot of surprise...

This whole sentence sounds kind of awkward. The tense is mixed up - unless you mean "I've got" - and "a whole lot of surprise" seems like an odd choice of words. Maybe it's just me. xD Also, if this is him looking back, then I find it a little puzzling, since we have never gotten a hindsight Jake/Juno before. I'm sure it's just a typo though.

I wasn't sure what was going through tis brain,

Should be its.

with an sharper horn and fierce, white fur.

Should be a.

When Raichu came out of his Poké Ball, he felt something felt oddly strange and he looked behind to see me.

Extra "felt" in there!

The black Poké Ball stuck the ground fiercely

I love fiercely sticking to things!

clad in jade and black scales with crimson claws and bladed scythe blades on both sides of his face,

Bladed scythe blades. Cool.

Chapter 12

Spoiler:

In a battle like this, there was so such thing as overcompensating too much.

Should be no instead of so.

I was a bit worried my fatigue might cause me to slip up on the battle.

I think that's meant to be in the battle.

I had only gotten my rest during that afternoon as I was finally able to push away the thoughts of anxiety and concern away.

Double "away."

I was led toward the room that was just outside was the final arena.

I believe you require a "that" between 'outside' and 'was.' Or better yet, rewording it would be good!

I just blinked twice said nothing, not that he would have understood what I was saying anyway. I left it with a simple nod and left everything else carry on.

You need an 'and' between 'twice' and 'said', and that second 'left' should be 'let,' I think.

When there was a sudden and massive roar, I knew that must have meant Randy have arrived,

All one of Randy have arrived.

I walked out, and the sight of the stadium was painfully familiar from the last incident Alex, David and I confronted Randy, Frank and Jeff only to lose painfully.

You need a 'when' before 'Alex.' Probs a comma after 'Jeff' as well.

I was thinking more about showing them all that Randy made a grievous mistake by carelessly forget about a truthful, good-hearted, and genuine Pikachu.

'forget' should be 'forgetting.'

Already, Randy was looking at me very strangely, and I could see from the look in his face

'in' should be 'on.'

Randy’s Pokémon were going to have to on the verge of dying

There should be a 'be' between 'to' and 'on.'

“This is a two-on-two battle double battle, and each combatant is allowed to use only up to four Pokémon!”

Get rid of that first 'battle.' xP


Chapter 13

Spoiler:

They didn’t know what attack it was either, but I could tell their by their power,

Snipe that first 'their'!

While they were able to understand the Pokéspeech that I called it "Thundersurge Chain Lighting," but it didn't tell them anything about the real nature of the attack.

This whole sentence is a little bit muddled. I think rewriting it as this might work better...

While they were able to understand what I called it in Pokéspeech - "Thundersurge Chain Lighting" - it didn't tell them anything about the real nature of the attack.

Chain Lightning came out exactly as I imagined it and I was pleasantly surprised and taken back at how this amazing power worked.

Taken aback?

Then, all I could see was a suddenly storm of dark shadows burst from where Mewtwo and Arceus were standing in the dark.

Should be 'sudden.' Also, repetition of 'dark' here. Not a biggie. x)

“Thank you…” He said to me.


"Don't worry about me!" He shouted me.


"Holy... sweet mother of mercy, how can you..." She replied

All of those 'he' and 'she's should have lowercase letters.

Then, she flew off the ground, and flew at a lightning speed toward Arceus,

Again, just the repetition of a word (flew).

And in no time at all, Latias had returned to my side, almost to my own surprise,

This sentence is either unfinished, or that comma should be a period. x)

“I’m sorry…” Jolteon gasped to me, looking terribly exhausted, “I wanted to go further, further than this. I wanted… to win together, with you.”

It says Juno is further enough away from the giant fissure to avoid it and not be harmed, but then he can hear Jolteon's quiet speech (or what I imagine is quiet, given his physical state), even at the distance, and speak to him back? I think there should be some indication that Juno moved closer to him. I also imagine that anything that isn't yelling would be hard to hear at all in this absurdly noisy arena, given that the crowd is so loud.

There we go! All errors accounted for...of the ones I saw. Which hopefully were all of them. xD But you never know! Those sneaky little buggers can be hiding anywhere. O:< There were other random little places that I would change personally, but some are too insignificant to bother mentioning, like the occasional comma use. xD

I think I like this tale more as it progresses, and now that Jake is getting somewhere with his plan to overthrow Randy and get the heck out of there, I think it's becoming more interesting. I did quite like Coldblood, and the points he raised were quite good--such as Jake having to go in disguise. On that note, I was sort of surprised how quickly Jake accepted the change from a human into a pikachu, especially when he said he would become a pikachu for the rest of his life if it gave him a shot at getting out of there. I can see how he would be quite keen, but it seems just a little extreme that he has little to no issue with it. If that were me, I'd be terrified if I had to become something else for the rest of my life. Your entire life would be morphed, from your family life to your friend life, to your career, future family, etc. I dunno...it was a little unsettling how fast he took the opportunity. I suppose I'm basing it too much on my thoughts, though. Jake obviously isn't me. Also, there hasn't really been much clarification on how the necklace works, which leaves me puzzled at some things, such as how the pikachu-changing would work. I could see how he would be a pikachu for the rest of his life inside Randy's mind, but once they broke free of it, wouldn't he return to normal, because Coldblood's powers wouldn't work outside of it? And if he's just a figment of Randy's imagination as Juno, it seems a little odd that he can become real. I'm not up to when they escape Randy's mind, though, so maybe I'm speaking about things that have already been answered, but I feel like Jake doesn't think enough about it. He could have asked Coldblood how it worked. Asked him a simple "What will happen to me after I leave Randy's mind?" but he doesn't, which is what is weird to me.

During all that travelling that Jake did to Coldblood's building, and then the three day trek back, I expected to see a little more of his adventure. It skipped each day with a sentence or two, when I think there could have been an awesome chance for a short little adventure or something, even if it was to show that Jake really was willing to give up everything for a chance to escape. The main thing that disappoints me is that there's never any interaction between Jake and his pokemon. Surely, for the three days that he wandered away from Victory City and towards Coldblood's building, there must have been a time when he let out his pokemon and had them there for company, or needed their help, or whatnot. I would have been satisfied if there was a sentence somewhere saying "Despite how lonely he got, Jake elected not to send out Raichu or Ariados for fear that they may wind up like Jolteon and Weavile" or something. But then on the way back, he sort of had no excuse not to send out his pokemon, especially because he had three days to kill as a pikachu. Instead, I can imagine him being absolutely silent for the entire three day journey, and then, when he's in the middle of a battle that will lead up to his plan, he decides to reveal to his pokemon that he's a pikachu now. Not only that, but he'll "explain it later"? Wouldn't it be helpful if his pokemon knew what they were going up against, and how Jake planned to do it? I just feel like he could have given them a little warning. Why didn't he take advantage of that three day walk to talk to his pokemon, explain what was happening, and even practice some imaginary attacks? It would make a lot of sense if he had done that, especially for the purpose of training with his raichu/jolteon so he could actually learn how to use his electric powers. I get that he's half (or more, or less) Juno now, but surely the Jake in there has no idea what's going on. I think it was pretty irresponsible and rude that he didn't even talk to them once over the span of six days... xD I mean, not even to let out his two pokemon to show them that their bodies had returned to normal? I dunno; it just seems like a wasted opportunity and in that position, I thought that Jake would have wanted all the help he could have gotten.

Despite that, I'm quite enjoying it. x) I'm still yet to see how this battle ends. The arrival of that latias is cool, though Juno sure does take a reeaallly fast liking to her. I suppose that's him in his excitement and joy that he's got a legendary on his side, though. xD I'm enjoying his made up attacks, too. Also I searched up the height of a lugia and oh my god it's 17 feet tall. I mean, it's no wailord, but it's still huge!

I shall now return to the shadows and continue reading. :3 I really wanna see them get out of here. xD Also I was quite surprised to see that Alex had become one of his slaves. I mean, I expected it, but it sucks that he has to do what Randy commands. I wonder what David's doing. At least he changed them back. xD Jeff seems so smug, too. The 'good guys' really annoy me to be honest. xD I want Randy to lose miserably and for that necklace to break because I'm SUPER lovely.