[WAR] Season II: Creative Writing

[Elysia]

^Haha I had that happen last week ("atlast"? Noooooooooo), and this week I haven't even entered yet. That'll show them!

...loljokes

[FedoraChar]

Can I just say how glad I am you did this for a theme? I've been wanting to do something with superheroes and had this idea in my head for a really long time, but you finally gave me an excuse to get it out! :D

Name: FedoraChar
WAR Team: Phoenix Battalion
Title of Entry: Stranger Knights
Link to Submission: Here, my good sir!

Also, for a fun note, I was heavily inspired by these guys from Kingdom Hearts:

Spoiler:

I'm endlessly fascinated by the concept of Keyblade Warriors as a people, and in my mind they kinda are superhuman. I've wanted for the longest time to place an archetype of them in a superhero story, just to see how it would go. I guess you could consider this story a very, very, very, loose AU of Kingdom Hearts xD Although ultimately, in the end, I hope it came across as something very unique and of its own character ^^ ((tho prolly not as unique as Grace's awesome story xD))

EDIT: Also, is it bad that I have my charrie cuss, but since I'm too much of a sissy to actually write it out I sensor it? xD

[Felly]

Name: Felly
Team: Yoga Bears
Entry: click

Gonna go ahead and submit this because I feel like I'm falling asleep and I'll miss deadline if I don't post now.

[Noblejanobii]

Darn @Suicune's Fire our plan didn't work.

[Morzone]

Name: Morzone
Team: the Prism League!
Title: CAPTAIN BEACON: ORIGINS
Entry link: http://www.pokemoncrossroads.com/for...901#post155901

There is nothing worse than writers block that starts on Tuesday morning and lasts until Friday night. This story is a less edited than I would of liked, but I wanted to get in in, so yeah. Sorry for being so late with it. Good luck everyone!

[Elysia]

Name: Elysia
Team: Yoga Bears!
Title: {if i were a bird}
Entry Link: http://www.pokemoncrossroads.com/for...910#post155910

A couple of things:
=this is actually only half a story. I'm sorry. I'm still editing the second half, but if it's not done in the next half hour, what I've posted seems like a manageable stopping point. Also, the ending I'm imagining is massive, so probably not gonna make you sit through that.
=title from the song "If I Were A Bird"/Rolo's Theme from Code Geass, which is a really amazing anime that also has a bunch of robots, but otherwise, no similarities. I also wrote a lot of this story to the harp version of this tune, and it's gorgeous and you should all love it too. <3
=this is an incredibly messed up story. Gore and cursing a lot, but it still stays in my definition of PG-13, I think. I also bleeped out the worst of the curse words, heh.
=playing with first person narrators is actually really fun. I sacrificed my prosaic style and threw it to the wolves, but still fun.
=deconstructing superhero origin stories is also really fun. kind of. We'll see how that turned out in the end.

[Neo Emolga]

Holy snapdragon, you people sure can write a LOT in just a week!

So many epic stories yet again, and it was tough to decide on winners also. Some of you took a great approach with the traditional idea, and others totally caught me by surprise, but in great ways.

Overall, another awesome week for Creative Writing. And so without further fluff from me, here's the results for Week #2:

WEEK #2

THEME: WITH GREAT POWER...

Whether or not you're familiar with the recent and upcoming movie releases of superhero movies like Avengers: Age of Ultron, Superman: Man of Steel, Ant Man, Deadpool, and all the others, we've seen the varying kinds of challenges that superheroes from Marvel, DC, and all the other realms imagination has brought to life from comic books, games, and movies. These men and women have amazing and supernatural abilities, or they may just be extremely skilled in what they do. But no matter what their powers are or where they came from, they all face unexpected and difficult challenges from adversaries that are just as strong and powerful as they are.

Now it's your turn!

Your story needs to be about a superhero (or team of superheroes) of your own original creation. You decide what they look like, what their powers and/or skills are, and what kinds of threats they face to force them to keep their wits! Now, put them into action with a story that brings them to life and puts them to the ultimate test!

NOTE: You can go with or without Pokémon on this one!

Parameters

1. The Vision - Write the story in first person perspective. The viewpoint character doesn't have to be the main superhero either. They can be a sidekick, a witness, or even the supervillain!
2. Rage Against the Machine - Make the villain/adversary (or one of the villains/adversaries) machine and/or technology related.
3. Great Responsibility - End your story with a profound and insightful quote or moral that teaches a compelling and memorable life lesson.

THE RESULTS!

[GOLD - 3 POINTS] FIRST PLACE - The Grinder Good by Suicune's Fire (Jupiter Mining Corp.)
[SILVER - 2 POINTS] SECOND PLACE - {if i were a bird} by Elysia (Team Yoga Bears)
[BRONZE - 1 POINT] THIRD PLACE - Sound Off by NobleJanobii (Team Trainer)

THE REVIEW RUN!

Sound Off by NobleJanobii
Team Trainer

Originality (20/20)
Following Objectives (28/30)
Spelling and Grammar (9/10)
Flow and Transition (15/20)
Hook and Interest (18/20)

TOTAL: 90/100

First off, thank you for giving me a great read while I was at the DMV!

The idea of using a rock band as a team of superheroes is brilliant. I haven't seen that kind of thing done before on a mainstream level and it was a nice touch that I could potentially see going big. Also, I like the cool, casual, and collected style the story has. You made a great use of the first person parameter made it easy to relate to Sloane's style and casual nature.

You definitely went in DEEP for each character, practically giving each of them an entire story of their own! I was surprised at how much you went into Dylan's, Alex's, Anthony's, and Sloane's backgrounds, and you did a great job at making them very believable characters with unique personalities, likes and dislikes, and you gave them more description than I see most people giving their RP characters! The only change I would have made is have a few things going on while you're describing the band, as the story takes a bit of a pit stop to go into all this detail, but it's not a biggie.

As for the Akumu, cool name for supervillains, but it would have been nice to see them with a motive for their attacks and how they came to be. Even if Sloane doesn't personally know, having her theorize about it would have been a nice touch.

I found a few grammar mistakes. Nothing crippling, but for the most part, it was pretty clean. The flow was a little bit jumpy, but nothing too crazy. It was a bit tricky for me to figure out where the story left off, but it wasn't too much of a problem.

Overall, I really like the idea of a rock band of superheroes (hence, MAX originality score!). I also like the way you ended it, although I was hoping to see how it would all turn out! But overall, great story and I can tell you worked hard on it. :D

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The Grinder Good by Suicune's Fire
Jupiter Mining Corp.

Originality (20/20)
Following Objectives (30/30)
Spelling and Grammar (10/10)
Flow and Transition (20/20)
Hook and Interest (20/20)

TOTAL: ★100/100★ EPIC WIN AWARD!

Definitely a great opening! You start off with a fantastic intro, and then... the reality of being a barista hits! The level of detail and description is fantastic, making me consider there's a high possibility you've worked as a barista before. And if you haven't, dang, you sure did your homework and came armed to the teeth in preparation on this kind of stuff!

The idea of giving all the machines and pieces of equipment human-like names and personification is definitely unique and added a nice touch to it. I never suspected this kind of idea to be used for this theme, but it's cool and made it fun and easy to follow. Honestly, I think it's awesome the way you have the machines, coffee beans, and equipment communicate with each other with their own lingo and terminology to essentially gave them their own culture! Instant max originality points, no questions, ifs, ands, or buts.

The way you made the microwave seem like the supervillian is so funny and so amazingly well-done. Lines like "There was no question that what that microwave did was barbaric and beyond questionable" had me rolling in laughter, especially after a recent incident with chili exploding in my own. Then, I wasn't expecting the twist where everyone in the cafe suddenly turns on Cole either, so when I first thought the Micah the microwave was the culprit, I almost expected the story to be straightforward from there on in, but then things turned and suddenly I was left guessing who was the real hero and who was the villain!

The intervention on Cole was a surprise, and the way the rest of the machines defeated Cole was definitely an unexpected end. At several points, I thought I could guess where the story was going, but then things changed, darker plots developed, and you wrapped it all up beautifully in a perfect blend that felt like a suspense and mystery story. Well done with the idea, the use of parameters, and weaving everything together into an original, fantastic, and incredible story.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what a perfect score looks like. Awesome and epic job!

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Stranger Knights by FedoraChar
The Phoenix Battalion

Originality (15/20)
Following Objectives (26/30)
Spelling and Grammar (8/10)
Flow and Transition (19/20)
Hook and Interest (17/20)

TOTAL: 85/100

I like the way you open this up with the protagonist's style and attitude. "Mr. Creepo's" warning message seems alluding. Is he really warning her or just out to stalk her again? The way Cassie reflects on these things was definitely well done and made her an easy character to relate to.

When Cassie meets up with the team in the square clearing, it got me wondering what was going to happen next and what Cassie's role in all of it was going to be. Also, this line was fantastic:

"I find everything is much more enjoyable when you stop trying to make sense of everything and just embrace the insanity of it all."

I love the language you used. It's witty, clever, playful and definitely well-timed. Cassie Poole is definitely a nicely made and "real people terms" character that realistically doesn't accept all the crazy things that are coming to her. Definitely great use of the first person viewpoint!

The use of the IONs was interesting, but I think a little more background on them was needed in terms of explaining their motives, why they were after the Knights and Cassie, and what might happen if they ended up winning. I caught a few grammar mistakes, like "Because, my dear, you one of us." is missing an "are" between "you" and "one." Nothing major, though. The other thing is I'm not sure the third parameter was met in this case. I was kind of hoping for a finishing line that could be open-ended to anyone, but definitely relate to the main character.

But overall, it's a good story, and I think it's strongpoint was definitely in the great use of first person perspective and the flow of the story was good without any weird skipping around.

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Tales of Crystalis ft. Robots by Felly
Team Yoga Bears

Originality (16/20)
Following Objectives (24/30)
Spelling and Grammar (9/10)
Flow and Transition (13/20)
Hook and Interest (15/20)

TOTAL: 77/100

Interesting plot with the crystal! Grants any wish but disappears for four years... I like that idea and it's a nice allure with a catch.

The story does rush into things quickly without explaining too much about what's going on or really getting into introducing the characters, Elemental City, and what kind of roles these characters are in. Are they bloodline guardians of Elemental City, hired mercenaries, or military recruits? Before the reader finds out, they're already being given a mission by an unnamed Elder and we never really find out. I would recommend developing on this a bit more so it's a bit easier for the reader to follow along and get a sense of what role these character play in this different society. The flow was also a bit choppy. Ease into things slowly and carefully, and be wary about when you use "***" breaks, as if you jump from one thing into another without getting the reader up to speed about what happened in the meantime, it's a bit hard to follow.

On the other hand, having the robotic arch-enemy resemble the protagonist's brother made into a machine was definitely an interesting perk and a great plot device. The way it affects the battle was definitely well played and the demoralizing effect it has on Kumiko was nicely carried out.

I'm not sure how I feel about the ending though. Flame using the wish on something wasteful was... eh, something that easily could have been good working grounds for further plot development, such as Kumiko getting the wish to communicate with her lost brother and tell him that things have been made right, or use it to ensure the dark technology that resulted in the robotic likeness of Kashiyo would be gone to give it closure. Also, you missed the third parameter.

Overall, good story and there were a lot of cool features such as the wish crystal and the robotic doppelganger of the protagonist's brother, but I think there's some areas where further development would really help make it shine.

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CAPTAIN BEACON: ORIGINS by Morzone
The Prism League

Originality (13/20)
Following Objectives (24/30)
Spelling and Grammar (7/10)
Flow and Transition (14/20)
Hook and Interest (14/20)

TOTAL: 72/100

I like how the story opens up with an office worker, as I can definitely relate to that! The level of science fiction you went into was really nicely done as well. It does rush into things pretty quickly, so I would suggest slowing down a tiny bit. Not too much was covered about Dr. Zohar's past, and I'm sure there was something there that could have been brought up a little more to help develop him as a character.

I think more could have been done to develop the android, as it felt kind of injected into the storyline and probably should have been given more of a role before the incident with the quartz. Maybe having the android be the remains of a previously failed or rejected experiment would have been more interesting and would have given it more of a role in the character's background. The android's motives are well-established and you made it a good villain, but I fell there was some room to expand on it.

There were some grammar and capitalization mistakes. Most of them were just minor ones, but I think proofreading one or two more times would have helped you catch all of them. I also didn't see the third parameter being used. Be careful to make sure you track them all, as they're part of the challenge.

Overall, I felt it was good, a little on the short side, but I feel with extra development and looking at past winners to get ideas and follow their examples, you will definitely improve.

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{if i were a bird} by Elysia
Team Yoga Bears

Originality (20/20)
Following Objectives (30/30)
Spelling and Grammar (10/10)
Flow and Transition (18/20)
Hook and Interest (18/20)

TOTAL: 96/100

I was definitely surprised at the beginning and the whole "you need to be ugly," which is usually the exact opposite of what a mother would tell a daughter. Stuff like that has great shock value and I like it when people go against the norm. Definitely a great starting point to work with and you used a lot of powerful and meaningful words right in the intro.

Scarlet's power of foresight is well-designed, and seems to come with more detriments than benefits. The way she foresees and experiences her mother's death was well captured, and Scarlet's personal reflection on it was handled very well also. Overall, it's a pretty brutal and emotionally hard opening for the story, and the way Scarlet struggles with it and keeps telling herself "today is not my someday" was well done. Also, the way you used it that half-hearts were once people is a pretty grizzly but well-used implementation of the second parameter.

Also, I love the dystopian setting you've created for this. Scarlet's struggles are made even more apparent, and the reader definitely gets a strong sense of all the hardships she has to endure and work around to survive. When the reader discovers exactly why her mother tried to make her appear ugly, it sends a very profound and powerful message.

The use of the half-hearts (great name for psychotic killing machines!) is well done also. The flow and transition was a bit tricky to follow, as I didn't realize years were passing and instead it was only a few days here and there. It also seemed like the length of the story could have been trimmed just a tiny bit, but overall, I didn't find that much filler.

I have no idea how you managed to write so much great material in just a week. To have written this much and have barely any grammar mistakes is definitely an incredible job. Toward the end, there are some really powerful sentences as things get intense and desperate. You also had an epic and awesome way of wrapping up the story, and made great use of the third parameter as well.

[Noblejanobii]

Yes! I won something! YUSH! @Suicune's Fire And you said I was wrong about you winning first!

[Morzone]

Once I stop beating myself up over all of my mistakes, I will listen to your advice Neo. You're completely right and it will help me, but missing a parameter for the same reason two weeks in a row does a little more than annoy me. Maybe next week I won't do it again.

[Suicune's Fire]

Neo, you are too kind. ;~; I can't believe I scored 100/100 points! I'm so flattered! I can hardly even words right now! asnjol,jreuawcpnmghureap (Also, no, I haven't worked as a barista, but I've made coffee using the machines before. xD)

Well done to everyone else! ^v^ @Noblejanobii - I'm proud of you. ;o; Congrats on third! And well done to Elysia for second! :D