From the Ashes

[Kentucky Fried Torchic]

Plot and Characterization Focused
Chapter Four
This is definitely a favorite chapter of mine. You did an excellent job of using descriptions to tell enough of a story about what had happened to the clan of Eevee evolutions while still leaving me with burning questions, especially when Eric noticed that it seemed as if all of the clan members had left of their own agency, possibly speaking to just how much magical or psychic power Team Reva can employ in their aims, and raising the question of why they attempted to straight up attack Eric's clan with brute force instead of attempting something similar. I digress though.

Your descriptions also came through in the battle between Eric and Rosie and the Umbreon and Sylveon siblings. The usage of weapons on the Cubone's part, the movement of Eric around the small battlefield, and Sylveon's ribbons were all high points, but I was most impressed with your description of Confuse Ray as an attack. It felt very real to me and I had to blink a few times myself after reading your description. My one suggestion for the battle would be that not everything needs to be referred to as an official Pokemon attack. Things like Confuse Ray and Toxic are specific enough that they may deserve names, but I felt like the action of knocking Eric's scythes out from under him could have easily just been described without naming it as a Foul Play attack. Remember, outside of the games, these are living, breathing creatures, capable of fighting with just their physical bodies instead of having to rely on named attacks. Just about any Pokemon can tackle an opponent even if it can't learn Tackle, you know?

Overall, the idea of a mix-up leading to a fight is a classic and I enjoyed how you handled it. I especially sympathized with Eric's frustration and constant sighs and I felt like that added a much-needed bit of humor to what could have easily been our hero being unnecessarily beat up on in a brutal fashion. But your descriptive talents saved the day, not only with the actions of the battles but of the emotions of the players in the conflict, from the brothers' eagerness at avenging their clan to Rosie's overprotectiveness.

Chapter Five
This was a very nice denouement to the previous chapter and the first line was perfect as it defintiely captured my feelings as a reader. You did a really good job of getting information across in dialogue again. We get a wonderful view of just how mismatched this fight between Reva and the Phoenix League is going to be without some serious work put in. You're doing a good job of balancing a growing roster of characters too, as I can tell when different characters are speaking just by what they say and how they say it. I definitely enjoyed Chapter Four's action, but this chapter also has some real strengths at building character and fleshing out the story's barer bones.

Chapter Six
Again, you have a real talent for description. I know it might seem like I keep hammering on this point, but it's really true. It's evident how much thought you've put into your story that you create a concrete way for the different attacking styles of Gadzooks, Koray, Eric, and even the more experienced Raider to reflect their personalities in a unique way. The feedback that is given by Raider is definitely my favorite part of this work so far, and this chapter is definitely my favorite of the bunch so far. The level of connectivity that I felt with these characters and the enjoyment that I felt reading (although it felt more like watching) three incredible battles makes me feel that the label of "filler" is wholly misplaced for the quality writing that this chapter represents to me.

Chapter Seven
This chapter was nice, that seems to be the best way to describe the way that Eric ends up telling a bedtime story to the brothers. Although, legend would prove a more fitting term I think. In this little glimpse, we get views not only of the direct information conveyed about the two clans, but we also get to infer things, like how the Muli Clan was incredibly diverse and traded extensively with neighboring clans, perhaps making them more susceptible to a Reva attack by virtue of their peacefulness whereas Eric's clan appears to have been vulnerable because no one liked them enough to help them, and I am assuming their pride would refuse such an offer, if trouble should come

What I enjoyed the most, however, was the two different versions of the legend told by Eric and recounted by the brothers. Like all legends, I have no doubt that there is an element of truth to it, but I found it much more interesting to examine it as a myth and the role that the myth would play in reinforcing the traditional behaviors and hierarchies of the two clans. With the Muli Clan, the idea that empathy rather than violence is what halted the human advance and drove them out of Utopia serves to reinforce the idea that its members should be peaceful, connected with others, and trust that similar deus ex machina occurrences might save them if trouble came again. With Eric's version of the story however, there appears to be the sense that acting quickly and decisively with overwhelming force is what drove the humans out and that served to propagate the ideals of action over thought that Eric detests so much. In this way, you engaged not only in an entertaining story, but you also painted the clans' cultures with a much fuller brush than I was expecting. I am definitely looking forward to reading more.

Spelling and Grammar Focused
Chapter Four

Spoiler:

Thanks to speed of Eric and Ren’s wings, they managed to make it to where Rosie supposedly was within a day.

I believe that should be "Thanks to the speed" instead of "Thanks to speed".

A mish-mash of different kinds of dens, from squarish, squat ice-houses to leafy huts similar to Raider’s, stoney caverns converted into sleeping areas, and even simple shallow dips in the ground used as a nest for sleeping under the stars. Ashpits and small ponds, so much diversity that Eric had never experienced before.

"stoney" should be "stony", and I would write "Ashpits" as "Ash pits". I would also consider combining these two sentences, since the latter appears to be part of the same list of dens.

Eric realized that this must have been the Clan that the two Eeveeloutions had lived in.

I think I missed this earlier, but the common spelling is "Eeveelution" rather than "Eeveeloution", but you seem to be keeping the spelling consistent thus far and it is a proper noun so I leave the discretion to change it to you, as long as you maintain that consistency.

The Sylveon, on the other hand, was wearing what appeared to be a beret, and a comedically oversized bag on his back secured to his body with multiple straps.

I believe that the word you're looking for is "comically" rather than "comedically".

Ignoring the two children staring at him quizically, Eric bent down towards his sheathes.

"quizically" should be spelled "quizzically".

“Aunty Rosie!” bother Eon children yelled gleefully.

I believe that you mean "both" rather than "bother" here.

[quote]“This is just a misunderstanding,” Eric replied right away. “I’m a newly recruited member of the Phoenix Guild, my name is Eric, I was sent here to give you a hand with escorting the chil--”[quote]
Is it intentional that Eric says "Phoenix Guild" instead of "Phoenix League"? If so, I'd consider emphasizing the mix-up more.

He didn’t want to hurt the kids, or his teammember.

Here, "teammember" should be written as two words.

Eric screamed. His vision filled with painful strobing lights flashing unpredictably on and off, switching colors and intensity and whim.

I'm not sure that "whim" is the word you mean to use here.

Chapter Five

Spoiler:

“Rosie you psychotic dingzubat, you did WHAT to our new recruit!?”

Not sure if "dingzubat" should have a capitalized "z" to make it fit in with the other Pokemon species names that you've been using thus far.

Chapter Six

Spoiler:

Before he realized what was happening, Eric inhaled the Stun Spore, and felt its’ numbing effects grip his limbs immediately.

Again, "its'" should lose the apostrophe.

First of all, you charged me before you had even fully concieved a strategy.

"concieved" should be spelled as "conceived".

When I believe you are each strong enough, we will try this excercise again.

"excercise" should be "exercise" here.

Chapter Seven

Spoiler:

But the only way I could was becoming leader…”

Personally, "was by becoming leader" rather than "was becoming leader" sounds better to my ears, but either one works I think.

[LKWayvern]

Chapter 8

“Oi! You three! Wake up, it’s morning! Last I checked, you weren’t Slakoths, so get up!”
The three Pokemon remained prone on their hammocks, peacefully sleeping the day away.
The Cubone standing in the doorway huffed, then hurled three bone knitting needles at them. “WAKE UP!”
Three loud yells were followed by three loud thumps.
Rosie snorted. “Just be thankful that Shaymin didn’t have to wake you. You don’t even want to know what she does.”
With that Rosie left, leaving the three disgruntled Pokemon to hastily put on their chosen outfits and rush outside to the gardens of Vibrant Meadow.
Soon, the trio saw a familiar Roserade striding over to them. “Koray,” Raider pronounced. “I believe we have a training session today? Eric, Gadzooks, I recommend that you familiarize yourself with the compounds.”
As Raider and Koray left, Eric and Gadzooks began to brainstorm different areas of Vibrant Meadow they could explore.
“I hear there’s a residential area separate from the dorms where the Phoenix League sleeps,” Gadzooks said. “Let’s go there!”
After much wandering about, and somehow stumbling into the garbage dump two different times, the two new recruits found the residential area of Vibrant Meadows.
It was not what they expected at all.
(RL) While the buildings appeared very high tech, almost something that humans would build, there were very of them, and Pokemon seemed few and far between. Yes, they occasionally caught a glimpse of some. Through the window of of house, Eric spotted a Metagross discussing something with a Beheeyem. In the front lawn of another a Lucario was meditating, her eyes closed.
It was strange to see a place that looked so advanced also look so deserted.
“There aren’t any kids here,” Gadzooks whispered to Eric. The Sylveon seemed thoroughly creeped out by this fact.
Eric looked down at the little Sylveon, and decided to go find some other place to cheer him up.
They ended up going to the kitchens. A Scolipede and a Smoochum were busy cooking in there.
In his slightly creeped out state, Gadzooks immediately turned around and started walking away the moment he saw the Scolipede. However, after a little convincing from Eric, the Sylveon was convinced to just wait outside while Eric got something the Scolipede hadn’t touched.
Several minutes later, Eric came out with something resembling a slushy snowball, kept inside a cup made of ice, held precariously by Eric’s blades. A good fourth of it had melted and was trickling down the cup already.
Eric told Gadzooks that the icy snack was a ‘berry sorbet,’ made entirely by the Smoochum. Gadzooks cautiously tried it, before gulping it down and heading back into the kitchens to ask the Smoochum for more.
Eric decided to take a short walk around the residential area. The lack of children was still somewhat unsettling, but there was also something about this place that he simply couldn’t describe. A… calmness in the air. A lack of stress, of tension. A space bereft of energy, but in a good way.
Eric headed back towards the kitchens just as Gadzooks was finishing off what appeared to be his third berry sorbet. A rather angry Scolipede was awaiting Eric.
Apparently, the sorbets did, indeed, actually cost money. However, Eric did not have any on him and Gadzooks had left his all at home. Eric promised to deliver to the Scolipede the amount of berries all those sorbets had needed to make.
The rest of the afternoon, Eric and Gadzooks spent roaming about the town. There really wasn’t much to look at, really, but it was quite relaxing. Until Gadzooks started getting bored.
Then the Sylveon proposed a game: try to figure out just how many Pokemon lived in the residential area.
And so they started dashing about the small town, breathing a little bit of life into it.
Until they started peeking into the windows of Pokemon inside the houses.
Eric was a bit reluctant about this, as he believed it to be rude. Gadzooks didn’t want his game to end so soon, however, and so pestered Eric until the Scyther finally complied and looked into the window of the first house.
What he saw shocked him.
His heart beat increased and his breathing intensified. He felt a sickening turn in the pit of his stomach.
He knew this Pokemon.
It was a Scyther.
It was one of the Pokemon he had grown up with, in the Rahzyne Clan. Sure, he had been already considered an adult when Eric was hatched, and they had very rarely socialized, but Eric knew him nonetheless.
He had… a friend. Something familiar in this new world.
He ran towards the doorway of the house and began banging on the door frantically with his scythes.
When the door swung open, Eric smiled. “Goker!”

[LKWayvern]

Chapter 9

(RL) The other Scyther’s face twisted slightly, a light of recognition entering their eyes.
“Eric? You actually got out of that bloodbath?” Goker snorted. “Hmph. I figured you’d been captured with Arkon. After all, you’re so much weaker than he is.”
Eric came out of his reverie with a start. “Goker? I was never weak. I simply tried to come up with a strategy before rushing into a fight.”
“And then you were knocked out by an Aerial Ace or Wing Attack in the first few seconds,” Goker replied haughtily.
Eric frowned at the other Scyther. “How do you like Vibrant Meadow?” Eric asked, trying to change the topic.
Goker gestured flippantly with a scythe. “This place? Feh. The Pokemon here are soft, from too much peace. War is healthy, it strengthens Pokemon, but these? Pathetic.”
Eric narrowed his eyes. “You don’t find this place beautiful? Pokemon of all species coming together to make a paradise… A true Utopia… While our own Clan never did anything but fight, fight so much the horror of blood was dulled and--”
“Stop waxing poetry, sentimental fool!” Goker hissed. “I’m twice your age, I watched you grow up. You always were squeamish about fighting!”
“Not squeamish, I fought when I had to,” Eric replied.
Goker laughed at that statement. “Ha! Scyther are born to fight! What else would we do with these lovely scythes? We cannot build, we cannot heal, we can only destroy. And once you embrace that fact, Eric, you’ll find your strength improving a hundredfold. You want to play Psychic type? Fine, but in the end, it will get you killed, mark my words.”
Eric stared at Goker, shocked that the other Scyther would say such things. Then he turned around and, wings buzzing, flew away.


(RL) Eric wasn’t sure how long he had been flying when he came to his senses again. He was going to get lost in a strange place if he did not land. So he did.
He soon realized he was back in Vibrant Meadow’s gardens, and not alone. Sitting nearby, eyes closed, was Kai.
Not knowing what else to do, Eric sat down next to her.
For several minutes there was silence as the wind slowly waved the myriad flowers back and forth. Then Kai opened her eyes, turned to Eric, and smiled. “It really is like they say, like a Utopia, isn’t it?”
Eric nodded, sullenly. Immediately noticing something was wrong, Kai frowned. “What happened?”
Eric would have put his head in his sheathed scythes, and sighed. “I… ran into one of my old Clanmates,” he explained. “Back in the Rahzyne Clan, we more or less had one belief, and one only. Our scythes were best for battling, but made us terrible at trying other things. Scyther from our clan believe that because of this, Mew decided when Scyther were created that Scyther were made for battling. My Clan embraces this belief, but in the process… They lost things. They lost the idea of strategy, or strength through teamwork. They began to gain strange ideas about what qualifies you as ‘strong’ and what as ‘weak’.” He paused. “I wanted to make it so that our definition of strength is redefined. So that they would see that strength of mind is just the same as strength of body… But no one would listen, due to the same foolish laws I wished to change.”
Eric leaned back on the soft grass, staring at the azure skies. “I had a friend, Arkon… He was more or less the only friend I had. He was as kind to me as he could be while still embracing the Clan’s ideals. He tried to change me so I could conform more easily to the Clan. While I dislike that, I appreciate how he tried to ease my pain… When they were kidnapped, it was his loss I felt the most. I care for my Clan, because they were all I knew, and I didn’t know how I could go on without a certain familiarity… But after my confrontation with Goker, I realize I only miss Arkon.”
Eric raised up his sheathed scythes, pointing them towards the sky and studying them. “Goker also said… My former clanmate told me… He said I was trying to be something other than a Scyther, and that it would only end in death for me if I continued to do so. I’m not trying to be something other than a Scyther… I am what I am. And what I am is just… a different Scyther. But this difference… How different Vibrant Meadows is from the Rahzyne Clan relieves me and scares me. It assures me there is hope for the Rahzyne Clan if we rescue them, if we can teach them to live like this… But if they react like Goker did to it… I’m terrified they might attempt to destroy this beautiful, different place.”
Kai simply looked at Eric for a moment, then gently took his sheathe, scythe still inside it, in her hand.
“I’ve had experiences with difference,” Kai murmured softly. “When I was young, I lived with my mother and her trainer. My mother taught me how to live in a world where humans took care of everything you wanted, and all they asked for in return was to help them out in battles and contests… But when my mother and I were released, my mother couldnt cope with either the grief, or our new life. She couldn’t cope with such traumatic change… And it killed her.” Kai’s eyes misted up for a few moments, before she blinked away the tears.
“I was younger, and more flexible, though,” Kai continued. “I found a way to come here, to Utopia. It amazed me how Pokemon could live here, on their own, without help from humans. But I learned quickly, made a life in Vibrant Meadows, and when the Phoenix League was formed I joined. I wanted to thank them for how they opened my eyes, and made my change in lives so much easier…”
Kai looked towards the flowers, thinking. “I guess I’m trying to say that change can be good. So you really shouldn’t try and destroy it just because it’s change, wait and see what kind of change is first before you do something.”
Eric nodded, and smiled. “...Thank you, Kai. I… I feel a lot better now.”
They sat together, on the grass, surrounded by the beautiful scenery. It made quite an adorable picture, before Eric suddenly jumped up. “Oh, crap!” he yelled.
Kai looked at him, startled. “What’s wrong?”
“When I flew away from Goker in confusion, I lost track of Gadzooks! I don’t know where he is, we have to find him quickly!” Eric flustered.

[LKWayvern]

HEY LOOK FORESHADOWING

Chapter 10

(RL) Kai wanted to check the dormitories around the Phoenix League’s area of Vibrant Meadows first in case Gadzooks had found his way home. When the Sylveon was definitely not in there, they went back to the residential area, and looked all around. Eric didn’t spot Goker again, thankfully, but he also didn’t see Gadzooks, either.
The Scyther was panicking. He had lost a team member. They were exceedingly short on members even with Gadzooks.
And what would Shaymin do when she found out Gadzooks was lost? Eric had seen how the little Legendary had reacted when she found out Rosie and the brothers had beaten him. How much would she punish him if he had, Arceus forbid, lost a team member??
Gadzooks was not in the garbage dump, the bathrooms, the gardens, or even the Sparring Glade (Kai and Eric had briefly peeked in, not wanting to tell Raider or Koray about Eric’s mistake).
As far as Eric and Kai knew, Gadzooks wasn’t anywhere in Vibrant Meadows!
Kai decided that Gadzooks must have gone outside Vibrant Meadows, and Eric figured out the most likely place Gadzooks would have gone to was his old home, the village where Muli Clan used to live.
The Scyther and the Lopunny raided the kitchens for food, packed a bag full of suplies, and began heading towards Muli Clan, without letting any of their other Phoenix League members know.
Since Kai could not fly like Eric could, they were incapable of either taking the same route through the sky that Eric had taken before, or making as good time. However, Eric tried his best to recall the path he had taken previously, and stick as closely as possible to it, on a ground level. Occasionally he would get a look at the path from above, just to confirm that they were, indeed on the path he remembered.
Eric and Kai’s route took them mostly through sprawling forests. Although the forests started out bright and cheerful, the blue skies above barely obscured by bright green leafy branches, it slowly progressed so that the woods became darker, grimmer, and more somber.
(RL) The moss lay in a thick grey carpet, dusted by fallen, rotting leaves. The trees had ghostly white bark and no leaves, and yet their branches were so thick and numerous that they wove together to form a roof above the two Phoenix League members that blotted out all light. If not for the glowing mushrooms infesting the forest, it would have been impossible to navigate the dark, decaying forest.
As the forest went on, the Pokemon went from numerous and peaceful, to progressively fewer and more aggressive. More than once, when they entered the dark forest, Eric and Kai had to fight off a rabid Parasect or feral Victorybell.
“Carnivine, on you left,” Eric warned as he slashed a Woobat with a Fury Cutter.
Kai whirled around, her paw catching fire, and she slammed her fist into the head of the slobbering, oversized venus flytrap. The monster screeched and fled.
They stopped again, sharing a meal.
“I honestly don’t understand how Gadzooks could get through this place on his own, the Pokemon here are just so… angry,” Kai commented in a hushed voice.
Eric shrugged. “Maybe Rosie took him in a longer, but less dangerous route, which he’s following now. Or maybe he’s just really lucky.”
The duo continued through the forest. The trees began to slowly make the path become narrower, and narrower. They were growing so close together they were practically on top of them. It would be impossible to get past them.
The wild Pokemon had vanished, as well, and yet Eric and Kai still felt that something tainted, something unholy, was watching them with lustful, hungry eyes.
Kai shivered, and walked closer to Eric, practically leaning on him.
“These trees… are getting pretty close, huh? The path is getting really really narrow…” Kai said, almost laughing.
The Lopunny was shivering.
So was Eric.
Suddenly, the tree wall widened, creating a perfect circle around a perfectly clear lake. The lake was so clear you could see the bottom, despite it being extremely deep, and so still Eric and Kai could see their reflections in the lake in exquisite detail.
Eric frowned. He could see something at the bottom of the lake… What was that thing?
It was round, he knew, and small… It cast up glints of light from the bottom of the lake, but he still could not see what it was, it was simply too far away…
As Eric leaned closer to the water to get a better glimpse at the object, a telepathic voice resounded within his mind, almost making him fall into the crystal clear lake.
...I…
I am the Guardian of Vault Lake, and Armageddon Forest…
You shall not retrieve the Void Ball, intruders…
Eric backed away from the lake, while Kai looked about wildly.
“W-we mean you know harm!” Kai shouted out. “We’re… We’re just travelers, looking for a friend we lost! We’ve never even heard of Vault Lake, or the Void Ball before… We would like to get out as fast as possible, but we’re lost…”
...Truly? Where is your destination, travelers?
“Th-the former location of Muli Clan Village.”
Former? I… I had not heard of its’ destruction. I was acquainted with some members of the Muli Clan, but they have long since passed on…
I have been the Guardian of this accursed Void Ball for far too long, but it is too dangerous to let fall into the wrong hands…
...Very well. I see no harm in ushering you to your destination, so long as it takes you out of this forest.
Best of luck, and do not return.
And then all went black for Kai and Eric.

[LKWayvern]

Chapter 11

(RL) When Kai and Eric came to, Eric recognized where they were.
“This is where the Muli Clan’s Village used to be…” he said. “The Guardian really did keep their promise and send us here…”
The Scyther and Lopunny searched through the abandoned village, searching for any sign of their comrade, but they were running out of hope, until Kai found something…
“Hey, Eric!” Kai called him over. The Scyther walked towards her, and took a look at the item.
It was a piece of glinting blue fur, snagged onto a doorway.
Tentatively, Eric pushed the door open, and walked into the den inside.
It was a rather simple den. There were pawprints leading outside the door, as in all the houses, but unlike the others a layer of dust had been swept off most of the belongings.
The den was made of metal, with a long lightning rod coming down through the roof, planted firmly in the center of the den. Around the lightning rod was a small metal nest. Further away were several other nests. Connected to the lightning rod were multiple crudely made wires leading to primitive light bulbs and electrical appliances, showcasing to Eric just how advanced some of the homes of the Muli Clan were.
Kai entered the building and looked around. “...Koray told me once that his mother was a Jolteon, and his father was an Espeon. Their father friends with a Metagross who came up with the design for those things and his mother used her electricity, and together they managed to provide light and convenience to not just their own Clan, but many of their trading partners as well,” Kai commented. “I guess this was their den… And that nest right there, next to the lightning-rod, was the nest Koray and Gadzooks’ mother slept in. Jolteon get stronger when they absorb electricity, so it makes sense…” The rabbit Pokemon smiled. “I like that. They took their love and their gifts, and made something great for a lot of Pokemon. The Muli Clan will be missed dearly, but every cloud has a silver lining, right? Maybe their disappearance will inspire more Pokemon to join us…”
“...Let’s rest here for the night. The nests are more the size for an Eeveeloution, but the den will provide adequate shelter.”
That morning, when they woke up, the two began to travel again. On a hunch they followed the trail of pawprints leading out of the village. Eric was now certain he knew just what Gadzooks was trying to do.
He turned to Kai, and spoke up.
(RL) “Kai, I think that Gadzooks is trying to find Team Reva’s base, and rescue the Rahzyne and Muli Clans, or at least avenge them,” Eric told her.
“What is he thinking!? That’s suicide!” Kai exclaimed. “Uh, Eric, with your wings you’re faster than I am! Fly on ahead and try to stop him, I’ll Mega Evolve and follow!”
Kai took Eric’s scythe in one paw, and touched it to the Keystone in her ear. It began to shine with a brilliant violet light, and the light traveled up the gold chain and connect the Keystone with her Lopunnite, causing the Mega Stone to glow in response.
The light radiated outwards from the two shining stones, covering Kai with a cocoon of pure white light. It stayed like that for a moment, before the cocoon shattered into a million fragments which rapidly dissolved. For a split second a mirage glowed in the air above Kai, as she stood, now a Mega Lopunny.
Her legs were more well muscled and pronounced, covered with patterns of black fur similar to the tights humans sometimes wore. Her torso was small and lithe, with shapes of muscles outlined in her brown furred arms. Her ears dangled down her back like trailing ribbons, on each one there were two cream bunches of fur like the Ponyta tail holders humans sometime used. Her tiara was still there, perched upon a puff of x-shaped fur, with its golden chains, but the chains now flowed freely.
“What are you looking at?” Kai asked. “Fly!”
Eric turned around, wings buzzing loudly, and launched himself into the winds.
Fortunately for him, his wings were fast and Gadzooks was not very far away. He found the shining blue Sylveon steadily approaching a large building.
(RL) The building was huge, and intimidating. It looked like patchwork, like a hundred small buildings nothing like each other had been smashed together and rebuilt as one.
Eric landed behind the Sylveon.
“Gadzooks.”
The Fairy type didn’t turn around.
“You can’t do this.”
“It’s not a matter of not being able to… It’s a matter of how I’ll feel if I don’t.”
“I know how you feel… But if you rush in their and get yourself killed, your sacrifice will be for nothing,” Eric told him. “We need to be careful, we need to use our minds.”
“You don’t know what it feels like!” Gadzooks yelled, still not turning to meet Eric’s eyes.
“Yes, I do. I lost my Clan, just like you,” Eric reminded him.
(RL) “No!” Gadzooks snapped, whirling around. “No, you don’t know, Eric! I heard your conversation with your friend, Goker! I saw how he disrespected you, and how he called you an outcast! I like you, Eric. I like you as a friend. I look up to you, and I respect you. But your Clan? If the rest of them are like Goker, then they can go rot in Team Reva’s base for all eternity, for all I care! They’re heartless bastards, the lot of them! You don’t understand how I feel because my Clan is not the Rahzyne Clan! My Clan is the Muli Clan, and I know for a fact that other Clans will miss them and be sad because they vanished! They probably rejoiced when the Rahzyne Clan vanished, because of what bastards they are! So no, Eric, you don’t understand me, and you don’t know why I have to do this! It’s because if I never try to help my Clan, I’ll go through life knowing I could’ve done something to help a group of beautiful, intelligent, and compassionate Pokemon, who were my friends and family, but I waited too late and now I never can!”
Gadzooks whirled back around, tears starting to drop from his eyes, as he raced faster towards the building.
“Gadzooks!” Eric called. “Wait! Wait just--”
A brown blur rushed past Eric, kicking up dust and wind. It somersaulted over Gadzooks and landed directly in front of him.
The Fairy type flinched, stopping completely and tumbling to the ground in a heap of matted blue fur and dirty dull ribbons.
That didn’t stop Gadzooks, though. Despite being made to flinch, he stood up and began running past Kai again. The Mega Lopunny’s legs moved swiftly, and knocked Gadzooks to the ground again.
Gadzooks stood up once more. “Let me GO!” he shrieked, lashing out his ribbons like whips at Kai. Kai leaped nimbly over them, before grabbing them and using them to pull Gadzooks closer. She held him tightly in her arms as he kicked and bit and whipped and yelled. When he had tired himself out, and fallen into a fitful sleep, a soft glow enveloped them as she let the Mega Evolution go.
“Let’s go home…” she whispered softly, not wanting to wake Gadzooks again.

[LKWayvern]

Chapter 12

(RL) Unbeknownst to the departing members of the Phoenix League, a Pokemon exited the base of Team Reva behind them.
It didn’t notice them, however it did head in a very certain direction…
The direction of the entrance of Armageddon Forest. It crossed from the bright viridian woods to the dark, grimmer section, on the lookout for foes wishing to attack her.
None did, but she couldn’t help feeling that and alien intelligence’s prideful eyes were locked onto her every movement, carefully observing her.
When the Pokemon reached Vault Lake, she moved towards the center of the lake, hovering over the exact middle as she stared down at the Void Ball, locked away in the very bottom of the lake.
...I am the Guardian of Vault Lake and Armageddon Forest…
Why have you come here, Latias?
The Latias looked up, searching for where the voice had emanated from.
“Well, there’s something down there that I really, really need…” she called out. “Would you please let me get it?”
Your heart is pure… But your intentions…
Your intentions…
Y-y-your i-intentions…
Suddenly seven glowing orbs shot out from the trees, hovering in a circle around the lake, equidistant from each other. One of them, directly across from the Latias, slowly descended and touched the ground. There was a soft glow of light as it transformed into… a Dunsparce.
The Dunsparce wiggled forwards, and looked up towards the Latias with its’ squinting eyes.
You know not what you do, it said in a warning voice. If you do not leave now, you SHALL regret it. That was not a threat, that was a prediction.
A strange glint came into the Latias’ eye, and a cocky grin spread across her face. “We’ll see about that.”
(RL) The Latias raised her arms, and a soft golden glow came about her. Mist gathered around her arms, flowing freely like golden flags. The Soul Dew in a collar around her neck gleamed, and was surrounded by the mist as it formed a strange pattern around the orb. Something reminiscent of a tiara made of mist was created around the Latias’ head. Two ribbon-like strands came off of the tiara, joining together again between her two wings, and then coming apart again in two bigger ribbons. Around the larger part of the Latias’ wings formed two sleeve-like sheathes of golden mist, which trailed behind her.
In front of the Dunsparce formed a ball shining in incandescent colors of the rainbow. The ball flew at the Latias, and she flew upwards towards the dome of woven branches. She used Dive to inhale deeply, filling her lungs with more air than would be average for a Latias, before plunging back down towards Vault Lake, causing a tremendous splash.
The water was heavier than it would have been for a normal lake, but it was no problem for a Legendary Pokemon. The Latias quickly located her quarry, the Void Ball. She dove deeper, deeper, deeper down towards it, then grabbed it. She hurried up towards the surface, sensing her air supply running out.
She exploded out from the water, showering the Dunsparce and the orbs of light with water. She grinned wickedly as them, winked, and then formed two Mist Balls, hovering above her outstretched paw , orbiting each other until one shot out at the Dunsparce, causing an explosion of golden mist right in front of him. The other rocketed towards the roof, exploding with enough force to cause a hole just large enough for a Latias to pass through to be created.
The Latias rose rapidly, waving happily at the Dunsparce and the orbs of light.
Once she was free of Armageddon Forest, she gripped the Void Ball tightly, shook her fur free of the water from Vault Lake, tucked in her arms, and shot off, using Extreme Speed to hasten her journey back towards Team Reva’s base.
(RL) Rising from the mist and zooming after the Latias came a Togekiss. The Togekiss used Extreme Speed to catch up with the Latias, and the two were soon neck-and-neck.
The Togekiss charged up a sphere, similar to the one the Dunsparce had created.
Do not do this, Latias. It will only lead to destruction, the Togekiss called, almost seeming reluctant to fire her orb.
“I know~,” the Latias chirped back. “But, you know what they say, all good things must come to an end, right?”
There is still hope for Ecana, deep down you know it!
“Do I? How long have you guys been locked up in Armageddon Forest? There’s so much stuff you’ve missed out on! Humans are capturing Legendaries, and tipping the balance of the Councilverse way off the deep end, and trainers are abusing their Pokemon!”
There’s still hope. There’s always hope. You just haven’t looked hard enough. It could always be better, yes, but it can also always be much, much worse!
One of the Latias’ mist-clad wings gained a silvery glean somewhere beneath the gold. The Latias frowned. “I’m sorry. I really am. But some things… Just have to be done.”
The Latias did a spin, nailing the Togekiss with her Steel Wing, before putting on another burst of speed and flying off…

The Togekiss returned to Vault Lake. She alighted roughly in front of the Dunsparce. The other orbs of light had also been replaced by Pokemon. Nidoqueen, Gallade, Blissey, Reuniclus, Arcanine.
I-i failed. She got away with the Void Ball… the Togekiss muttered.
Dunsparce looked at her, regretfully. You did the best that you could… He looked up, towards the hole in the roof of branches. However, there is a silver lining… We no longer are forced to remain in this place to keep safe the Void Ball. We can leave this wretched forest… To retrieve and defend it as we see fit.
The seven Pokemon transformed into orbs of light once more, flying out through the hole, and into the endless sky, which none of them had seen enough of in the last millenia…

Unknown to them, however, seven more entities left the forest as well. Their keepers were gone, and they were at last free once more for the first time in eons.
They intended to make the most of this unexpected delight the Latias had brought them.

[Kentucky Fried Torchic]

Plot and Characterization Focused
Chapter Eight

This chapter was kind of an odd one for me. I was under the impression that the Phoenix League was located in the middle of nowhere, and that all of the Utopia region was incredibly rural, and segregated by species. Yet Eric and Gadzooks found themself in what essentially seemed to be a human town only filled with Pokemon instead of people. It was very disconcerting to see how much things from the language to the occupations simply seemed to mirror the human society that caused the Utopia region so much suffering. I mean, hot dogs aren't usually a sign of social decline, but here I think they just might be.

I think that this chapter also destroyed my image of the Phoenix League as a secret rebel group attacking Team Reva from the shadows. Sure, maybe this is just the one town that is in Phoenix League territory, but that even a hotdog hawker could recognize Eric and Gadzooks as being part of the Phoenix League made me feel very disappointed with how open and mundane the reality was compared to the mystery that I had imagined in my head.

Finally, the twist at the end seemed a little forced. I was expecting this Pokemon to be something important because it was the first time that you opened with something other than the species name. You've demonstrated a talent for description, so I would say use it, not only to make your descriptions of Delibird, and Cloyster, and such more exciting, but also to add an extra wallop to when you want to try to catch the reader off-guard.

Chapter Nine
This was a very nice chapter. I felt like it had a more restrained ambition than the previous one and it certainly achieved its goal of character development, particularly by developing a deeper backstory and rationale to Eric's actions and introducing some conflict by making him wonder if it is possible to save his Clan from the path that they're on at all. What I enjoyed most is that you did all of this in a very restrained setting, first the conflict on the street, but then the meadow, and in both scenes the focus was just on two Pokemon talking, not in order to give us, the reader information, but rather because these were things that just needed to be said. You've really done a superb job of giving your characters things to care about and realistic ways of trying to advance those goals.

Chapter Ten
I'm still very fuzzy on the geography of Utopia, but it was nice to see a travel scene, especially as the stakes with Gadzooks disappearance seem to be rising. I think it would be somewhat funny if he had just gone back to get another hotdog, but apparently he really booked it back to his village. I just wish I knew how far away that was. I really liked the menace and danger of the forest, and not just because Bellsprout is my favorite Pokemon. It was such a nice contrast to the suburban perfectness of the town Eric had visited in Chapter Eight because it felt like anything could happen there. I'm not going to say that they should spend more time in this creepy, evil forest for two reasons. One is that I guess Gadzooks has to be found and fast. Two is that with this Void Ball and mysterious Lake Guardian (I've got my fingers crossed for Azelf) they'll be back soon enough heheheh.

Overall great work at picking up the pace of things after the slower past few chapters. You've made me actually care about Eric and his teammates, so that's always a plus.

Chapter Eleven
This chapter kind of threw me through a loop not once but twice. First, I'm wondering where these Pokemon got the materials, engineering ability, and knowledge of electricity's scientific properties to create light bulbs. These aren't exactly something I can imagine Pokemon crafting with their paws and it really made me lose the suspension of disbelief that helped me focus on the what and why of what's happening than the how. Then, Kai decided to Mega Evolve. Now I may have an incredibly negative and incomplete view of the Kalos region, but from how far I got in Y Version, I thought that Mega Evolution was something that could only be achieved with a strong bond between Pokemon and Trainer, hence why Groudon and Kyogre had to be able to "Primal Reverse" or whatever because they didn't have trainers. How does a wild Pokemon like Kai invoke a Mega Evolution? Is it because she used to have a trainer? But that doesn't make sense because the bond is the important thing, so who is her bond with, herself?

Ahem, that being said, I loved Gadzooks's speech to Eric. It was incredibly powerful and a very good counter to his whole argument. It made the encounter between the two Scyther in town matter more in retrospect as well. I think that Gadzooks has become my favorite character solely by virtue of that outburst and the courage (or recklessness haha) that he shows by running headlong to Team Reva to avenge his Clan. My only regret is that Kai's appearance calmed him down. I would have liked to see a little exchange of blows, maybe fixed through the usage of Attract or Cute Charm. But instead Gadzooks just stopped when she arrived. If Eric doesn't know how it feels, how on earth would Kai? I found it hard to believe that Kai would have any ability to stop him (again short of Cute Charm which she doesn't possess in her mega form) since the Sylveon had known Eric longer too.

Chapter Twelve
Mysteries abound! I was prepared for a clear-cut battle between good and evil, but this Latias not only seems like a fun individual, but also seems to have a plan much more engaging and interesting than taking over Utopia and being a jerk. If I had to guess, I would assume that she's working to unite and build up Utopia's power in order to destroy humans and free those other legendary Pokemon. If that's the case, I have a hard time seeing how the Phoenix League is going to stop her since every Pokemon in Utopia seems to remember when humans invaded and acted generally awful. I have so many questions, from what exactly the Vault Ball is, to who were these fourteen things that left the forest, to why on earth would you try to fight a Latias with a Dunsparce, but no matter. I'm sure you'll answer them in time. Keep up the good work.


Spelling and Grammar Focused
Chapter Eight

Spoiler:

“Last I checked, you were not Slakoths, so get up!”

I think that a contraction in this sentence would make it sound more natural than the current, stilted version I hear when I'm saying it aloud. Plus, the more informal language might fit better with Rosie's speech patterns, i.e. the "Oi", and general personality.

The Cubone standing in the doorway huffed, then hurled three bone knitting needles at them “WAKE UP!”

There should be a period after "at them" since there is no leading-in word for the speech that follows.

It was almost exactly like a Clan of its’ own.

Again, there should be no apostrophe after "its". The word denotes possession without an apostrophe.

There were buildings of varying advancement, some of them shiny and made of metal with glass windows and door like a human house, others were simple lean-tos piggybacking off of larger constructs.

That should be "and a door" or "and doors" instead of "and door" here.

[qupte]A Wobbufett tottered by, pulling a small cart that trundled along behind it, selling… hot dogs?[/quote]
"Wobbufett" should be spelled as "Wobbuffet" here and elsewhere.

“Get out of my way, you pile of Tauros crap!” the Pokemon screeched, brandishing intimidating looking claws.

Claws or scythes? If this is a Scyther, I would assume he would have the latter rather than the former.

Chapter Nine

Spoiler:

“Not squeamish, I did fighting when I had to,” Eric replied.

I think that "I did fight" or "I fought" sounds better than "I did fighting" here.

He was as kind to me as he could while still embracing the Clan’s ideals.

I would add "be" after "kind to me as he could".

Chapter Ten

Spoiler:

Kai wanted to check the dormitories around the Phoenix League’s area of Vibrant Meadows first, in case Gadzooks had found his way home.

I don't think this comma is necessary here.

Gadzooks was not in the garbage dump, the bathrooms, the gardens, or even the Sparring Glade(Kai and Eric had briefly peeked in, not wanting to tell Raider or Koray about Eric’s mistake).

There should be a space before that first parentheses.

“I honestly don’t understand how Gadzooks could get through this place on his home, the Pokemon here are just so… Angry,” Kai commented in a hushed voice.

First, I think "on his home" should be "on his own", then I think the "A" in "Anger" does not need to be capitalized.

The trees began to slowly make the path become narrower, and narrower. They were growing so close together they were practically on top of them. It would be practically impossible to get past them.

I would drop the second "practically" since it makes for repetition and seems unnecessary here.

“These trees… Are getting pretty close, huh?

Again, I would make the "A" in "Are" lowercase since it's a continuation of the earlier thought.

Chapter Eleven

Spoiler:

The den was made of metal, with a long lightningrod coming down through the roof, planted firmly in the center of the den. Around the lightning-rod was a small metal nest. Further away were several other nests. Connected to the lightningrod were mutiple crudely made wires leading to primitive lightbulbs and electrical appliances, showcasing to Eric just how advanced some of the homes of the Muli Clan were.

"lightningrod" and "lightbulb" should each be written as two words, then "mutiple" should be "multiple".

Her ears dangled down her back like trailing ribbons, on each one there were two cream bunches of fur like the ponyta tail holders humans sometime used.

"ponyta" should be capitalized.

Her tiara was still there, perched upon a puff of x-shaped fur, with its’ golden chains, but the chains now flowed freely.

Again, "its'" should be "its".

Chapter Twelve

Spoiler:

There was a soft glow of light as it transformed… Into a Dunsparce.

The "I" in "Into" should be lowercase.

Around the larger part of the Latias’ wings formed two sleevelik sheathes of golden mist, which trailed behind her.

"sleevelik" should be "sleeve-like".

In front of the Dunsparce formed a ball shining in incandescent colors of the ranibow.

"ranibow" should be "rainbow".

The other rocketed towards the roof, exploding with enough force to cause a hole just large enough for a Latias to pass through to be created.

Roof? I thought they were in a forest? Perhaps "canopy" would be a better word.

Once she was free of Armageddon Forest, she gripped the Void Ball tightly, shook her fur free of the water from Vault Lake, tucked in her arms, and shot off, using ExtremeSpeed to hasten her journey back towards Team Reva’s base.

"ExtremeSpeed" should be written as "Extreme Speed" both here and in the next paragraph.

Humans are capturing Legendaries, and tipping the balance of the Counvilcerse way off the deep end, and trainers are abusing their Pokemon!”

I have no idea what a "Counvilcerse" is supposed to be. Like a "Councilverse", maybe? But I don't know what that means either.

I-i failed. She got away with the Void Ball… the Togekiss muttered.

Here, and elsewhere in the chapter, if these Pokemon are speaking out loud they need quotes. Telepathy generally does not require them in fanfiction, but verbs like "muttered" imply the words are being spoken aloud.

[LKWayvern]

@Phantasm.Angel

Sorry about the thing with the residential district... It mad a bit more sense to me at the time. I was trying to make something similar to the Gold Base in PMD: Silver Resistance, I guess it really flopped... Really, the only reason it was there was because I needed somewhere nearby for Goker to be living, that wasn't the Phoenix League, and the best idea I got was that sometimes some Pokemon from clans that failed ended up finding their way to Vibrant Meadows, and ended up making a little Utopia there?
Also, I wanted some actual filler before that arc with Gadzooks getting lost, and relaxing in the town seemed like a semi-good idea...
Now I wish I had put a little more thought into that idea...
The hot dog vendor was more or less purely for comedy. I tried, I thought it was semi-funny.

I'm happy that you enjoyed chapter 9 a lot more than you did chapter 10. ^^ I really wanted to put a scene in there that has Kai and Eric bonding not because one of them is affected by Cute Charm, but because they were honestly connecting as friends. I also wanted to explore the feeling Eric had about his tribe a bit more in depth, when left with how he felt in chapter 2, I thought it made him seem a little bit Sue-ish...

Also glad you like chapter 10! To be honest, I've got a very, very vague idea of where everything is in Utopia, myself... I know VIbrant Meadows is at the general center of it, the Muli Clan is somewhere South of it, and the Team Reva base is somewhere in the Southeast, but that's more or much it...

To be honest, I think it's kind of silly that the bond has to be between a trainer and Pokemon, specifically, so when I'm writing it, how Mega Evolution and Dimensional Scream works is changed to 'activated by a strong bond between two Pokemon who feel mutual friendship towards each other'. Kai is pretty much using her feelings of friendship towards Eric, and his feelings of friendship towards her, to activate the Mega Evolution.
And Alakazam has an IQ of 5000 according to the Pokedex. Slowking is as smart as a leading scientist thanks to a Shellder biting its' head. Reuniclus has three brains, while Metagross has four and can outhink a super computer, apparently. I think coming up with a rudimentary electronic device should be a piece of cake for them, and who's to say they won't collaborate with another Clan to bring their ideas to life?
And I guess Kai just has a bit more of a calming aura than Eric? I'm not quite sure how she managed to calm Gadzooks down so quickly. A surprising amount of FtA isn't really planned at all, and is just the story happening...

I'm going to try to find some way to 'fix' the residential area. It's not as if I can just ignore its' existance now that it's a thing, but maybe I can go back and re-edit that chapter so it feels less huge...

[LKWayvern]

Okay...
I changed the ending of Chapter 11 so it made a bit more sense. I think it's a lot better now.
I'm going to do some major thinking about how I want to residential area to be different, to, in Chapter 8. Like I said previously, I can't just pretend it never happened, now that it's out there. But I can probably still work with it, and improve it.
I'll probably take out most of it, and go in an entirely different direction with the residential area.

Now, some other news. Chapter 12 was the ending of Part 1. Yay?
I'm going to go back through the whole of part 1, and try to find some music to fit certain sections, like I've been doing with the last two chapters.

[LKWayvern]

I added music to most of the fic. There were two chapters where it wasn't really necessary to add music, it really wouldn't enhance the story and I didn't know any place that music would go anyways.
I also stated previously that I have altered the ending of Chapter 10. In addition, I have COMPLETELY redone Chapter 8, except for the beginning.
I hope that Chapter 8's a lot better and more in keeping with the tone of the rest of the fic now.
I'll probably post Chapter 13 tomorrow.