Plot and Characterization Focused
Chapter Four
This is definitely a favorite chapter of mine. You did an excellent job of using descriptions to tell enough of a story about what had happened to the clan of Eevee evolutions while still leaving me with burning questions, especially when Eric noticed that it seemed as if all of the clan members had left of their own agency, possibly speaking to just how much magical or psychic power Team Reva can employ in their aims, and raising the question of why they attempted to straight up attack Eric's clan with brute force instead of attempting something similar. I digress though.
Your descriptions also came through in the battle between Eric and Rosie and the Umbreon and Sylveon siblings. The usage of weapons on the Cubone's part, the movement of Eric around the small battlefield, and Sylveon's ribbons were all high points, but I was most impressed with your description of Confuse Ray as an attack. It felt very real to me and I had to blink a few times myself after reading your description. My one suggestion for the battle would be that not everything needs to be referred to as an official Pokemon attack. Things like Confuse Ray and Toxic are specific enough that they may deserve names, but I felt like the action of knocking Eric's scythes out from under him could have easily just been described without naming it as a Foul Play attack. Remember, outside of the games, these are living, breathing creatures, capable of fighting with just their physical bodies instead of having to rely on named attacks. Just about any Pokemon can tackle an opponent even if it can't learn Tackle, you know?
Overall, the idea of a mix-up leading to a fight is a classic and I enjoyed how you handled it. I especially sympathized with Eric's frustration and constant sighs and I felt like that added a much-needed bit of humor to what could have easily been our hero being unnecessarily beat up on in a brutal fashion. But your descriptive talents saved the day, not only with the actions of the battles but of the emotions of the players in the conflict, from the brothers' eagerness at avenging their clan to Rosie's overprotectiveness.
Chapter Five
This was a very nice denouement to the previous chapter and the first line was perfect as it defintiely captured my feelings as a reader. You did a really good job of getting information across in dialogue again. We get a wonderful view of just how mismatched this fight between Reva and the Phoenix League is going to be without some serious work put in. You're doing a good job of balancing a growing roster of characters too, as I can tell when different characters are speaking just by what they say and how they say it. I definitely enjoyed Chapter Four's action, but this chapter also has some real strengths at building character and fleshing out the story's barer bones.
Chapter Six
Again, you have a real talent for description. I know it might seem like I keep hammering on this point, but it's really true. It's evident how much thought you've put into your story that you create a concrete way for the different attacking styles of Gadzooks, Koray, Eric, and even the more experienced Raider to reflect their personalities in a unique way. The feedback that is given by Raider is definitely my favorite part of this work so far, and this chapter is definitely my favorite of the bunch so far. The level of connectivity that I felt with these characters and the enjoyment that I felt reading (although it felt more like watching) three incredible battles makes me feel that the label of "filler" is wholly misplaced for the quality writing that this chapter represents to me.
Chapter Seven
This chapter was nice, that seems to be the best way to describe the way that Eric ends up telling a bedtime story to the brothers. Although, legend would prove a more fitting term I think. In this little glimpse, we get views not only of the direct information conveyed about the two clans, but we also get to infer things, like how the Muli Clan was incredibly diverse and traded extensively with neighboring clans, perhaps making them more susceptible to a Reva attack by virtue of their peacefulness whereas Eric's clan appears to have been vulnerable because no one liked them enough to help them, and I am assuming their pride would refuse such an offer, if trouble should come
What I enjoyed the most, however, was the two different versions of the legend told by Eric and recounted by the brothers. Like all legends, I have no doubt that there is an element of truth to it, but I found it much more interesting to examine it as a myth and the role that the myth would play in reinforcing the traditional behaviors and hierarchies of the two clans. With the Muli Clan, the idea that empathy rather than violence is what halted the human advance and drove them out of Utopia serves to reinforce the idea that its members should be peaceful, connected with others, and trust that similar deus ex machina occurrences might save them if trouble came again. With Eric's version of the story however, there appears to be the sense that acting quickly and decisively with overwhelming force is what drove the humans out and that served to propagate the ideals of action over thought that Eric detests so much. In this way, you engaged not only in an entertaining story, but you also painted the clans' cultures with a much fuller brush than I was expecting. I am definitely looking forward to reading more.
Spelling and Grammar Focused
Chapter Four
Spoiler:
Chapter Five
Spoiler:
Chapter Six
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Chapter Seven
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06-21-2015, 04:04 AM #11Actually Prefers Popeyes
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