...
Well then.

WAIT. IDEA.

I climb onto the front of the train, then skillfully rearrange the tracks to turn it around... Right at you. And thus, YOU become the stain on the tracks. However, you are on the tracks, not the train, and are admitted to hosPITal rooms 165, 166, 167, and 168. Bye!

I then run the tracks around the hill to make a supersonic wall of PAIN TRAIN.

OOH! There's a refreshment car! I take this off the train and set it on the hill to enjoy some good eatins.