GCEA Journal [Open]

[Suicune's Fire]

Mistakes first, the rest second!

When I was extra hungry, I took other kid’s meals from them.

When you're referring to multiple things, the apostrophe goes after the s. This should be, "I took the other kids' meals." Because there are multiple kids. Not one kid whose meal was taken.

but every time I easily beat the little pimple invested twerps.

This should be "pimple-infested." Invested and infested are separate words.

Even the guards were scared were scared of me, they didn’t come near me unless they had to.

You repeated "were scared" here.

This sentence was turning out to be more like a vacation then a punishment for me.

This should be "than." There is a crucial difference between "then" and "than" and in this instance, it should be "than." The word "than" is used when making comparisons, such as, "More like a vacation than a punishment," whereas "then" is used when referring to time, such as, "It was back then," or other contexts. Make sure you don't confuse the two.

That meant we had to stay in our cells all day except for a couple hours a day where w= were let out to eat,

Random = sign in the middle of this sentence.

If anyone other then my crew got to the kid, it wouldn’t be pretty.

Again, the wrong use of "then."

I walked towards the corner and shouted “THAT’S ENOUGH! BACK OFF OF HIM!”.

Two things here: before speech, you need punctuation such as a comma. So at the end of "shouted" there should be a comma. Additionally, you never, ever put a full stop after speech. The punctuation used at the end of the speech ends the whole sentence, so you do not add extra punctuation after it.

Oberon said “Thanks man, and I am sorry that I caused you guys to be locked down, but I just couldn’t take it here anymore.” I said in response “Don’t worry about it man, all is forgiven.

Again with commas, and also, two characters shouldn't be speaking on the same line. This is more for stories, so this is subjective in the case of a journal entry such as this.

I meant it to.

The "to" here should be "too."

I wondered what kind of monster would abandon their child like that.

This is kind of funny to me because Knuckles/Brandon is a monster, and he's judging other people for also doing horrible things. xD But I like how he's completely blind to that; it's interesting.

There were many more grammatical mistakes, but picking out all of them would have taken longer and I'm not sure how much you'd want me to do that. Things like commas, using lowercase "tv" instead of "TV," and repeated offences of things I listed here already. A few of these things could have been caught if you proof-read it more, such as the = sign and the sentence where you repeated two words. But some of them were things you might not know, so I hope I helped clear some things up. The other thing is, it was in huge chunks of writing and it's easy to lose one's place when formatted like that. I would suggest spacing it out into smaller paragraphs so it's easier for the grader to read.

Anyway, wow, Brandon is a violent person. It's really disturbing to read about someone who likes violence or doesn't see anything wrong with it. He's exactly the type of person who should be in jail and stay there. XD I really hope that I get to see some character development over the course of his journals, as I won't be in Galactic Platinum. I felt like some of these things like the number of guards needed to hold him down and getting his way with the guards was a little unrealistic. I believed the dynamic between him and the other inmates given that he's supposed to be massive, but the guards have weapons, and are meant to be highly trained...so unless he had something valuable to them, it seemed a little stretched, but that's just me.

You did a good job writing the journal, and I think there's a lot of room for character development with this character. :) I'm curious to see where you go with it!

12/15 total!