Ah, grudges.
One of my many talents. I am very skilled at holding grudges. Why, sixth grade a boy robbed me of my ability to trust for many years. I still hold a grudge against him to this very day.
I hold grudges. Do they hurt me? Yes. Constantly.
Would I prefer to just forgive and be free of them?
Hm... lemme think... nah.
I've always needed a leash to accomplish my best, for without one, I simply don't know what or where to go. Each time I reach the edge, I pull it foward with me. Thereby, I make progress. A grudge can help me, as it helps me see others in kinder light by comparison. Does that make me a judgemental person? Probably, not going to lie. But I can trust better now. Still a few problems, but better. So I tend to not judge people until a few interactions, or at least try very hard to. That's something that arose partially because of that grudge.
That's not all, in order to forgive, one must release the pain and worry of it. I... kinda have problems with that. One, I believe to be the best I can be (like no one ever was), you need the pain. Two, letting go of something like that, it's just hard. When you a grudge that lasts several years. You can't simply just let it go. It has frozen your heart for so long. Part of why is because you know forgiveness will make them feel less terrible.
I'm not going to lie, I am not a kind person in that regard. I will not help you feel any better if you have harmed me. I am a terrible person in that regard.
But it is that that allows me be kind to everyone (or try to) until you make me feel that terrible. Getting me to hold a grudge on you is hard, but if it happens, it's staying.
Grudges aren't good, they make you feel terrible.
But they help ease the pain of the injury for a while.