Pious Odyssey

[Zeromus]

Prologue - Armageddon

In a time, long, long ago, the planet Earth was inhabited by two very different and distinct groups of beings; pokemon and humans. For as long as either race could remember, the two had existed in perfect harmony alongside each other, never having had any sort of long-lasting dispute before. Together, they complimented each other with their own strengths and weaknesses. Where the pokemon were strong, able-bodied, and displayed unusual and unique abilities, the humans were smart, industrious, and always looked for a way to make the world around them a better place. For the most part, the planet was a living paradise. Sightings and rumours of violence between the two races were almost unheard of, and so, after centuries upon centuries of peace and unity, both sides became complacent.

This complacency however, would be their downfall. For as unlikely as it seemed for problems to arise in between pokemon and mankind, it was not an impossibility. For conflict did happen, time and time again, and although it was dealt with, even swiftly at that, unease began to settle in amongst some of the pokemon. It was always the humans who started the problem, for one flaw they had to combat more fiercely amongst themselves that their pokemon allies didn’t, was the fatal flaw of greed. Greed drove the rotten few to sour the almost immaculate friendship they had established with the elemental-wielding creatures. Almost everyone was willing to forgive and forget each time, knowing that there would always be the small group who would rise up time and time again to wreak havoc among the populace, and so they knew than to let their viewpoints of those few individuals tarnish their views of the other humans.

Of course, in a perfect world, perhaps all would be forgiven, and everyone would move on without a second thought; but this isn’t a perfect world. Even if it seemed so to some, even if some liked to believe, or had fooled themselves into believing it, the world was far from perfect.

No. Far from perfect indeed.

As time came and went, some pokemon began to grow restless. In their eyes, the humans wanted nothing more than to gain complete control over them all. Sure they were stopped each and every time, but surely if they tried enough times, they would succeed eventually? Perhaps the humans were not nearly half as nice as they had all “fooled” themselves into believing. Perhaps it was all a façade into convincing them into letting their guard drop down completely.

They couldn’t risk it. The humans had to be stopped. They wanted to take away their freedom. They wanted to take away their rights. They wanted to use them as nothing more than tools. They were only a means to an end. The pokemon had to strike back, and strike back hard. So hard, so swiftly, that the humans would never even get a chance to strike back.

And strike back they didn’t.

Through the efforts of a single group of pokemon, they were able to wipe out the entire human race off the face of Earth, wiping out any signs of their civilization in the process. They were free now. Free from the doubts and worries of enslavement. Surely the world was a better place now?

What of the others though? Of course not all of their fellow pokemon shared the same views as them. The group had forgotten to take into account the important fact that they were the minority amongst their race. A tiny, almost non-existent, minority.

Itt was too late now though. Only upon seeing the worldwide spread of mania and havoc that they had caused, did the group realize their mistake. Instead of helping their race from the burden of their insecurities and flaws, they had only caused more to flourish. Any form of bonds and unity, of civilization and organization, had now been abolished, and for many decades to come, the world would be plunged into a state of violent disorder.

Only through the help of the legendaries, was some semblance of civilization able to form. A brand new civilization that was akin to that which existed before, had been created. The only difference this time was that it was made of one race, rather than two, and for a time, it seemed as though things may very well work out. Despite the tragedy and violence, to some it seemed possible that balance could once again be restored. The pain and loneliness of losing their loved ones had slowly begun to heal itself amongst the hearts of those whom had survived, and while the scars remained, the pain eventually subsided to nothing more than a dull ache.

Villages began to sprout across the world as pokemon shifted away from their nomadic lifestyles, instead adopting one to that which the humans used so long ago. Through teamwork and unity, pokemon were able to settle down, and create more stable lifestyles. While it was nothing like which the humans accomplished, it was still something. The world had once again settled into a relatively quiet and stable era of peace and prosperity.

The peace and prosperity was never meant to last however, as strange and unexplainable events began to take place across the land. Natural disasters began to occur with increasing frequency, pokemon had begun to disappear, last seen in certain areas, and even some of the legendaries had begun to lose control of themselves, corrupted by this unseen and malevolent force. With the very balance of the universe upset now that one of its inhabitants had been wiped out, the forces that had kept the world together were beginning to deteriorate. The events that continued to follow as a result, no one would’ve ever guessed.

In a desperate gamble to try and restore balance to the Earth, and with the help of the remaining legendaries that had not fallen under the influence of the corruption, Arceus plucked several humans from parallel timelines, and brought them to this one, giving them the bodies of pokemon to help shield their identities, hoping that their very presence would help stabilize the planet. For a while, it seemed that his plan had worked, as they even went so far as to help sort out all of the various calamities that were happening. Perhaps now they had finally found a solution to their problem. Many breathed a sigh of relief. Surely this was the answer to their problems all along?

It wasn’t the answer they were looking for once again, for one of the humans that Arceus had brought to their timeline went missing without a trace. Panicking and unsure of what to do, he could only hope that there would not be any additional problems that would come with yet another human casualty. In his shame, Arceus failed to take any real action towards tracking down the missing human, hoping only that the mistake wouldn’t come back to haunt him.

Of course it came back to haunt him twelve years after the young and heroic charmander’s disappearance, and in a much more severe manner than he could’ve possible imagined. The event in fact took place exactly twelve years after the hero’s unexplainable disappearance in the young fire-type’s “home town” of Pokemon Square. A charizard wearing a hooded cloak of the deepest midnight black possible, and whose scales were only a slight shade lighter, appeared, and wiped the entire settlement clean off the face of the planet, leaving no sign that it, or even its inhabitants, had ever existed there. The curious thing that was noted though about the whole thing, is that this pokemon had not given a second thought towards wiping out every last living thing in site except for one; a blastoise that only some of the legends recognized due to his involvement in the prevention of the great meteor that had threatened to crash into the planet twelve years prior. The water-type did not perish in the same manner as his friends, but instead was personally mutilated by the charizard, serving as an example to all the other pokemon before they were all killed.

Even though it was clear that this mysterious pokemon had dangerous and destructive motives in mind, none of the legendaries dared. They reasoned that it was not their place to get involved, and that surely some pokemon would be strong and able enough to take him down, maybe even one of the humans. And so, forcing themselves to relax and tend themselves to other matters, they purposefully paid a blind eye to the tumult and turmoil that took place around them, believing that everything would work out in the end. They hid themselves away from the truth of the matter.

The truth that they were scared, and had no idea what to do.

For even if they pretended to ignore the rampaging and ruthless flame pokemon, they could see that he was no ordinary pokemon. His powers were unnatural, their source; unknown. Looking into his mind, there was no mercy nor regard for life that existed within his mind, though there was no need to look. His actions said everything. He enjoyed every bit of what he was doing. He wasn’t killing all of these pokemon because he needed to. He did it out of nothing more than wanting a thrill and enjoyment. The fire-type’s senseless rampage continued to rage on as Arceus and his helpers continued to do nothing even after thousands upon thousands of lives had been lost. Pokemon from all around the region set out to put an end to the fire-type’s blood-thirsty rampage, but no matter how many tried, no matter how strong they were, they were never a match for him.

The legendaries were losing more and more hope of a solution showing itself. Minor action was taken to help reduce the number of casualties that were beginning, but in the long run, hardly accomplished something. Finally, the legendaries stoic pacifism was broken when “The Reaper” as he had come to call himself struck down another key figure; the two heroes of Post Town. The loss of yet two more well known and powerful figures had finally sent them over the edge. In an ultimate display of panic, Arceus began to evacuate the legendaries and humans through opening portals; able to be entered by only humans, across the continent and anywhere else around the world where they existed, spreading the word that they were to all return to their own timelines and places. Not wanting to lose their own lives as well, Arceus opened up a separate set of portals for the legendaries to take to escape to another plane of existence of their own, leaving all everyone else behind to fend for themselves.

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____________________________

“Nova, what are you doing? The portals are going to close soon! You need to get out of here right now!” shouted an impatient and worried eevee to his human-born friend.

The two had been running as fast as they could, travelling alongside Nova’s fellow humans and their various team mates and partners. Nova and the rest had been ordered by the legendaries to return to their own dimensions through specially created portals, much like the ones that had originally been used to bring them here, in an attempt to prevent any further human casualties. There wasn’t much time left, as Arceus could only hold them open for so long before they would close forever, leaving anyone who didn’t make it behind to face the impending wrath of The Reaper and his minions. Some legendaries were tasked with guarding the way there to ensure that all of the humans made it through safely, but they too had to make their own escape.

Star followed the frozen pikachu’s gaze, seeing it locked upon two figures just off to the side of the path. The eevee looked over and watched the scene that had caused his friend to stop in her mad dash for safety, unfold for himself.

Heatran whom had been charged with protecting the portal located near the eastern outskirts of Treasure Town, was satisfied that his job was done and that everyone would make it. Letting himself at last to be pulled towards the portal located up in the sky that would lead him to his own salvation, he was surprised when he felt someone grab onto one of his legs; a distressed and panic-stricken ursaring whom the eevee and Nova recognized as one of the long-time inhabitants of Treasure Town. Neither had seen the hibernator pokemon so distressed in their entire time that they had known the calm and docile normal-type, for the ursaring was now clinging on desperately for dear life to the legendary’s foreleg, shouting with all of his might at the great beast he had latched onto.

“You’ve got to take me with you! Please for the love of all that is good and holy, I beg of you!” the ursaring cried as Heatran desperately tried to shake the crazed pokemon off. “Please! I don’t want to die!”

Scowling down at the ursaring, Heatran couldn’t help but be disgusted by the mortal’s pitious pleas for mercy. “Let go of me, you crazed animal!” he shouted before at last lifting his leg up and flinging the helpless pokemon off of him, hard enough to knock the wind out of the ursaring. “If you don’t want to die, then figure out this whole mess yourself! This matter no longer concerns the legendaries; we are done with you all. You are all on your own now,” he spoke harshly as he continued his ascent into the clouds, until at last disappearing altogether, leaving the broken form of the ursaring, and speechless pikachu behind.

So it’s true. They really are leaving everyone behind to die. They don’t care what happens to them any more, Nova thought to herself as a cold and haunting shiver of confirmation and finality coursed through her spine. And they expect us to leave them all behind too. Leave them all behind to die and suffer at the claws of this monster…

Nova’s gaze was still locked on the wheezing and crumpled form of the ursaring still laying in the same position as he landed in when he was flung downwards. If she left, the ursaring wouldn’t be the only one who would surely perish. All of her friends, her team mates, everyone whom she now considered family, would die. Everyone would die a meaningless and gruesome death, including Star.

Star! If she went through that portal, she would be leaving Star behind! There was nothing he could do on his own if she left! He would surely perish alongside everyone. The Reaper was too powerful. And even by himself, he was an unstoppable force, but he wasn’t alone. He had help now even. What could they do?

What could she do?

Maybe it was better if she went back home, pretended this whole thing never happened. There was nothing she could do if she stayed. Tearing her gaze away from the ursaring, she focused it instead on the direction that lead to the portal and her one chance at getting out of this whole ordeal alive. Perhaps… it was better if she at least tried to save herself. Her death would only be yet another amongst the thousands that had already happened…

Then the news of the Post Town heroes’ murders came back and smacked her right in the face, but more importantly than that, the Pokemon Square’s hero! That Blastoise! His death wasn’t like the others. No, rumours floated around that his had been especially long and drawn out. All because he had worked alongside that charmander that had disappeared fifteen years ago. Rumours of the event and her own imagination began to swirl together, creating an image of The Reaper breaking Star’s small and diminuitive frame. Images of him being torn apart, bones being broken, organs being crushed, and the most painful of torture methods used in slowly ending his life in the worst way possible. There wasn’t just a chance that The Reaper would make Star’s death slow and painful. The Reaper would do it without a doubt. And she was going to leave her best friend behind to face an inevitable and horrendous fate...

“…Nova! We have to go! Now!” Star shouted, his golden eyes flaring with determination as he snapped his friend out of her internal debate. “Heatran is already gone, meaning the portal could close any minute now, so it’s time to stop day dreaming, and get you the hell out of here before it’s too late!”

The pikachu still gave no signs that she was going to start moving, so with an impatient huff, scared that she might get left behind, Star began to push her down the road with his head.

“I’m not leaving.”

Star stopped at once, surprised by the pikachu’s sudden words. The eevee paused for a moment to recollect himself, “What do you mean you’re not leaving? Of course you are! The portal’s still open. Now let’s g-“

“I said I’m not leaving, Star!” she shouted this time with much more conviction and force, digging her feet into the dirt and stopping her friend from moving her any more.

Growling at the electric-type, Star couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Have you gone completely insane? You can’t stay here, you’ll only be throwing your life away!”

“And so would you! But unlike me, you don’t have the ability to choose whether or not you want to stay. It’s not fair!”

“Of course it’s not fair, but what will staying here accomplish?” Star demanded. “You have a chance at saving yourself - take it! Leave this place and live on for our sake!”

“Then what? Spend the rest of it knowing that I ran away like a coward, leaving you all behind to be picked off one-by-one, left behind to face all of this with no hope for survival!” Nova retorted angrily, stomping her foot down on the ground. “I know that if you were in my position, you would stay too!”

“You don’t know that, I would leave t-“

“Don’t lie to me in my face, Star! If you were honestly about to tell me you would be willing to leave everyone behind to save yourself, then that’s the largest pile of trash I’ve ever heard you say!” Nova had put the eevee at a loss for words, who was now unsure of what to do. He so desperately wanted to save his friend, knowing there was no chance for survival if she stayed. That fire-breathing monstrosity would torture and mutilate her if she didn’t leave, just like the rest…

The two were alone now with the exception of the ursaring whom had cried himself into unconsciousness now. Standing in solitude, a grave silence surrounded them as the eevee searched desperately for a way to get his friend through the portal that would surely save her life. A strong gust of wind blew past them, ruffling the fur of both pokemon as they continued to stand there, the direness of the entire situation sinking in more and more.

“He’s going to come for you specifically…” Nova whispered suddenly, dread lacing itself amongst her words as she stated the obvious. “He’s going to tear you apart in the worst way possible, and I won’t even be here to help defend you when he does…”

“M-maybe he won’t if you leave. M-maybe if all the humans escape, he’ll stop this all and leave us alone,” Star replied, still desperately trying to find a way to convince Nova of leaving, but only earned a shake of her head instead.

“No… he won’t. If this was only about humans, he would’ve killed me and everyone else a long time ago. He’s only toying around with us, delaying the inevitable. He’ll still come for you; I mean look at what happened to that blastoise. The human that he was associated with had disappeared long ago, and he still ripped him to shreds regardless. If I leave, he’ll still come for you… At least if I stay, I can say I died trying to do something.”

“Nova… please… don’t do this,” Star pleaded, tears slowly forming in his eyes.

The pikachu merely shook her head again before she pulled the eevee into a strong embrace. The eevee buried his head into the fur on her chest, as he cried tears of both fear and sadness. He felt helpless to stop the one he loved most from throwing her life away in a futile attempt to save him. He felt sadness for those around him as he had watched the world crumble around him ever so slowly, and while he didn’t want to admit it, he felt scared because he knew Nova was right. He was scared of the fate that undoubtedly awaited him, and was ashamed that he was scared for his own well being. He was no different than the ursaring, even if he didn’t show it on the outside. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was scared for his own life. He wanted to grab a hold of that heatran, and fly away to that portal up in the sky with Nova. She had been half right about him not leaving everyone behind had he been in Nova’s position. He could never bring himself to leave her and everyone else behind to fend for themselves, but if he had the chance of leaving with Nova by his side, he would selfishly take that chance without another thought. She was the only one he truly cared about any more. She was his only shining light left in the world. The only reason he hadn’t taken extremes to avoid the cruel ending that awaited him.

He loved her with all of his being; even if she would never return it.

When at last the tears could come no more, and Star no longer had the energy to exert much more emotion, he shifted into a prone position, leaning his body weight against Nova whom had sat down on the ground behind him, stroking his head in order to help calm him down. Staring out across the plains with a wistful expression, Star laid there in silence with the pikachu, finally accepting that his friend had made her decision.

It wasn’t after several lone minutes of comforting silence as Nova continued to stroke him, was Star able to speak. “So… what now? Do we just sit around idly and wait until The Reaper finally decides it’s time, and comes to kill us? Is this the end?” the eevee asked, his tone lacking any sort of emotion outside that of one that showed resignation and fatigue.

“No… it can’t be. Surely there’s someone out there strong enough to take him down. There’s no way this is how it all ends,” she replied after a moment’s hesitation, no longer stroking the quadruped’s fur. Looking down the road towards the east once again, she was no longer looking at the portal, but of a land far away from here, across the ocean, where she imagined the pokemon who could save them all had to be.

“It just can’t.”


Little did the pikachu know though, was that she was correct though. Out there, living on a separate continent that was blissfully unaware of the destruction that was soon to spread all around them, was one individual whom was destined to put a stop to the marauding charizard’s plans. An individual whom would’ve never guessed what fate had in store for them, for even fate itself would’ve never guessed it would be that pokemon that would end up saving the entire world. Unfortunately, Nova wouldn’t be meeting that individual before experiencing much more pain and loss. For her, it would be a long, long, wait. One that would last for over two hundred harrowing and slow years.

[Suicune's Fire]

@Zeromus

Errors first, then comments! :D

“Nova! What are you doing?” a male eevee shouted at his friend. “All of the legendaries and other humans are leaving! You need to hurry up and make it through the portal back to your time before it’s too late!”

Moments ago, the pikachu had been running with her friend towards the portal that would lead her back to her timeline and place that she originally had come from.

It seems a little redundant to have the dialogue explain pretty much exactly what's going on, and then for the narration to then reiterate it. It's kind of like, "here, have too much exposition!" xD

She was hesitent to leave though in the first place, after all this world had come to be her new home

Should be 'hesitant.' :]

Secondly and much more importantly, I've spotted your first recurring error. That comma after "place" should be a semicolon. I would also say that there should be a comma after "after all" considering it's one of those small phrases that you'd take a breath at. Getting back to the semicolon/comma issue, do you see that by reading that sentence, you can notice that there is no joining words between the text before and after the comma? If there is no joining word, then there must be a semicolon or a period. If the two halves of that sentence (i.e. either side of the comma) can stand on their own and make sense, then you know there should be a semicolon. Let me show you an example:

She was hesitant to leave though in the first place. After all this world had come to be her new home.

You'll notice that both sentences stand on their own. However, by adding a "because" (a joining word) and subtracting the "after all," we see this:

She was hesitant to leave though in the first place, because this world had come to be her new home.

However, trying to put both halves on their own as separate sentences, we get this fragmented piece of text:

She was hesitant to leave though in the first place. Because this world had come to be her new home.

I could give a better example, such as this, where a comma should occur: "If you separate this quoted text with a period. The first half wouldn't make sense as a standalone sentence." The appropriate variation of that sentence where a semicolon is used would be "You can separate this quoted text with a semicolon; now both parts are fragmented and can stand alone." When this occurs and the two halves are very similar and warrant a semicolon rather than a period, a semicolon can be used. "No joining word? No comma!

To her, her exploration team was more than just her team, it was her family.

Same applies here with the semicolon rule. However, I'm not going to point out every time you do this, as it would take me a long time, so I'll leave it up to you to find and edit things yourself. xD

He wanted to set an example for the entire world to see, to forewarn us of events to come.

I find it odd that you've used a first person expression here (us). The story isn't being told from first person, so I see no reason for that to be in there. Perhaps a switch to "everyone within distance" or something. xD

and his laughter that would continue to echo through her dreams every night for the rest of Nova’s life.

I would switch around "her" and "Nova" so her name comes first. You haven't mentioned her in a good number of sentences, so it reminds us who you're talking about.

he proclaimed that his actions today were merely a showcase of his capabilities

I'm quite confused due to the fact that you've used "today" and then in the next paragraph, you stated that it happened three years ago. That's inconsistent time management. o:

“Let go of me you freak!

Because Heatran is addressing someone, there needs to be a comma after "me."

shaking the giant bear off of his leg and sending him falling back onto the grass below.

A little pet peeve of mine in pokemon stories is when people refer to pokemon solely as animals. They are not animals. They are pokemon. Unless there are bears in the pokemon world and Nova is comparing him to a bear which she has either heard of or encountered before, then there is no reason that noun should be used. UNLESS it's written as "bear-like pokemon" because that...makes more sense. xD

Growling at the persistent pokemon, he bellowed “I said, you are on your own! Figure out how to sort this entire mess out yourself if you don’t want to die!”

After "bellowed" there needs to be a comma. Before all speech, you need punctuation. Some quotes are different, but for speech, you always need a comma or a colon before it. :]

Still rising into the darkened and cloudy sky, Heatran noticed Nova looking at him.

Nova could only stare wordlessly as she watched the Lava Dome pokemon continue his ascent into the heavens until she saw him disappear into the clouds above before there was a bright flash of light.

...I am so confused. xD Since when could Heatran fly?! They're fire and steel types?

She then shifted her gaze towards the crying and crumpled form of the ursaring laying on the ground

"laying" should be "lying." If he was laying, he would be setting something down on the ground. Lying is not only telling a fib, but it is also the verb for reclining.

When she had first met him in Treasure Town not long after her arrival, she remembered him being a carefree and relaxed mon, spending most of his days hanging around his teddiursa best friend.

If you're going to use "mon" as an abbreviated term, it would be appropriate to put an apostrophe before it. :]

Ursaring was a mess after that,

I don't understand why most pokemon have names except this ursaring and also the heatran. xD

Star shouted once again trying to grab a hold of his friend’s attention.

You need a comma somewhere in here. It should be after "shouted" or it should be after "again." Is he shouting once again, or is he shouting, once again trying to grab her? Comma clarify these things!

Righto! 8D That wasn't the end of the grammatical errors due to the places I neglected to point things out in, because I want you to go through and find them all. I have two major points for you to focus on in regards to grammar thus far:

1. Commas. You seem to have a lack for them. Think of writing in terms of speaking--not in regard to phrasing and vocabulary, but in terms of pauses. Pauses are where you need the commas, as well as other grammatically correct places, such as when you use a comma before addressing someone.

2. Commas vs. semicolon sentences. I hope I explained this well enough for you to recognise them when you come across them now. It's a very common error, and I've explained it to countless writers. :] There were many instances where you need to change commas to semicolons.

Overall, the plot seems interesting. I think that a lot was explained in this prologue, but at the same time, it went pretty quickly. I think you could have taken the time to explain a few more things, such as why there was a random heatran in the middle of nowhere, and where they actually all were. The only thing that was given to us was the mention of Treasure Town, and I don't even know if that's where they were. I imagined them in some random field somewhere. I also don't know if this charizard is going after random pokemon, or if he's just sitting in a throne somewhere, or what. It's like you gave us a bit of context but then left some out. Also I don't think that a hug between two would last for several minutes, like you described, as that seems a little bit long. ESPECIALLY in the frenzy of pokemon running toward a portal. That's another thing! Where is the portal? Who opened it? Who's going, exactly? Why can Nova and Star run so easily toward it while the ursaring was stuck there like a helpless child, probably only a few metres away? He could just have easily run to the portal, right? I don't know. xD

I do like the set-up. I'm curious to see what happens, but since it's so early, I can't give much more feedback than this. I've only read the prologue, so I'll comment on chapter one next time. :] Keep it up! Hope this helped.

[Zeromus]

Wow.

Thanks for the massive grammar lesson, while I haven't read through all of it extensively, I will definitely read through it at a more appropriate time. I will definitely be re-writing the prologue (for the third time) as the plot holes that you've pointed out, are while not that large, they are stupid and I could handle them a lot better. Like there are reasons behind why some of them seem to be weird, but there's a reason behind (most) of them.

Like for example, "Ursaring" for example never had a name. He's always just been called that. His friend on the other hand, to avoid complications, gave himself a name upon his evolution so as to avoid confusion. But how are people supposed to know that? They can't. I don't mention or hint at anything at all to that, and it actually just makes me feel so dumb. The other issue with a random Heatran just kind of chilling out in the middle of nowhere who *seemingly* has the ability to fly; same issue as before. Lack of explanation. I know why he's there, he was sent by Arceus to make sure all the humans got through the portal in time, and upon seeing them all making it to safety, starts "flying" up into the air. But he's not actually flying. What's really happening is that there's a portal leading to the "legendary" plane (Or so I'll refer to it as such for now) that is blocked out by the clouds that is sucking him up to it. It's like on the final episode of Digimon Tamers when all the digimon start getting sucked into the sky because they have to go back home to the Digital World.

But how the hell are people supposed to know either one of those things if I don't explain it?

The whole switch between first and third-person is just me being dumb and lazy and not reading through what I wrote the second time around.

I'll keep in mind to avoid referring to pokemon by real-animals. At the very least I'll do the honour of referring to them as "giant-bearlike pokemon" as I can see where you're coming from. It's akin to writing out the names of attacks directly, rather than describing them, or worse yet, having your characters actually call out their attacks as they use them... it can come across as a little on the cheesy side.

And finally, I'm really glad you critiqued me on the whole "Why explain what's already been said?" thing. I was thinking about it as I was nearing the end of writing chapter 2 and thought "Should I really be doing this? This seems stupid, but I don't do this when I talk to people in real life and I can't seem to get my point across to them then, how am I supposed to do it through text without the benefit of tone?" I never really wanted to have to "double-explain" everyone's dialogue, but I couldn't help but feel that if I didn't, a lot of people wouldn't be able to grasp the context behind what someone was saying. I see now that it's better to say "Screw it, if the reader doesn't get it, then either they're dumb for not understanding, I'm dumb for not wording it correctly, or we're both dumb period."

Any ways, like I said, I only skimmed through your whole spiel of ripping me apart on my use of commas and semicolons, but you can be sure I'll go be going through it, fixing chapter 1, fixing chapter 2 before I even publish it, re-writing the prologue, smacking myself in the face for letting myself get ripped on so badly, and then proceed with fixing any new mistakes I may have incurred in Chapter 1.

Don't feel guilty about my self-deprecating comments, that's just how I am and I'm only being somewhat serious when I say I'm going to beat myself over the head with a shoe. I'm somewhat of a perfectionist, so to have someone point out the million and one mistakes in my story, it hurts my pride. But I'll survive, and learn from it in the end, and it's critiques like yours that prevent me from making any more rookie and obvious grammar mistakes in the future, so with that, just know that I'm very grateful towards you for helping me out.

P.S. : The whole Heatran just being called "Heatran" thing is another one of those "There-is-a-reason-behind-it-but-I-don't-explain-it" is probably going to remain like that because to me anyway, it just seems like an obvious thing for legendaries to not have names. Hopefully I don't get any more people being bothered by that. Regardless, it's a fair point and at the very least could be used as a joke at some point in the story. Who knows.