The Last Poster Wins! [v21]

[Neo Emolga]

As much as I would like to be like this, mentally I just... can't. I've had too my ambitions shattered too many times to have any confidence in my pursuits whatsoever. Heck I was beginning to wonder if I was as good as political science as I thought I was until I won an award for it a few weeks back. I've left singing, piano, coding, art, film production, and so many other things behind because of this mentality that I can't let go of. The only reason I haven't dropped writing is because it is the only thing I have left.

I don't mind constructive criticism. I used to but not so much anymore. But I take every comment to heart nowadays, simply because even now the insults are beaten into me to the point where I'm in tears and want to just disappear. It's been that way for a long time and it's probably never going to change. My default opinion of myself is that I'm a disappointment as a result of this, thus, I must look to others to prove myself wrong. And when I get zero response? It makes me think that no one disagrees. And when I get a negative response? It makes me feel even worse.

You make it sound so easy to brush off the haters but it's not when your biggest hater lived in the same house as you for eighteen years. It's not easy when just the thought of getting a test back makes you feel nauseous and sick. It's not easy when you have to hide everything you draw or write out of sheer fear that it'll be labeled as a waste of time. It's not easy when you fear the affection of others are merely a knife disguised an olive branch because for nearly two decades most of the time it was. I have to latch onto other people's opinions because I am desperate for someone to prove to me that I am worth something. Because for nineteen years now I've been constantly reminded over and over and over and over that I'm not worth more than the dirt that my grandfather is buried under.

Ehh, okay, take a step back and ask yourself what you really enjoy doing. Who cares if you're good at it right now? No matter what, if you enjoy doing it and you practice more and more at it, you'll get better at it anyway. But if you don't honestly enjoy doing it and only do it because you think that's what everyone else wants, it's just going to be hell. I make jokes about how bad I am at anything music-related and how I couldn't play an instrument to save my life. It's true, but if I really wanted to get better and put in the time and practice, I could. The potential, with enough time and practice, is there. Thing is, music just isn't my passion. And yet for some people, it's everything.

You know what? I used to royally suck at Photoshop. My first banner? I screencaptured Matrix code and put text on it. Done. That was it. What drove me to get better and make real banners? I liked seeing the kinds of banners other people had and I wanted a really good one too (at the time, I didn't think to ask someone else for one which was probably for the best). So I drove my butt to get better and more and more, I made banners I was personally satisfied with and kept building upon them. Were they insulted along the way? Of course they were. By graphic art snobs who I figured had their own way of doing things and anything everyone else did was wrong. And that's fine and I didn't bother trying to help them get their head out of their ass, because I knew hey, if I was happy with them, cool, but if I personally saw a better way of doing things, I went for it and learned. And all the while, I kept an open ear for solid advice from people that were trying to be helpful and looked for tutorials to try new things that seemed to have good results. When it comes to comments, you can usually tell because the people that are helpful go into detail and provide links to helpful resources while the haters usually leave a message that has less clarity than what a baboon would write with a pencil rammed up their nose.

It honestly sounds like what you're dealing with is depression, not anything related to skill. And it sounds like that's stress-induced. I know, you've been through a lot lately, but that has no bearing on your skills. And it definitely doesn't mean a lack of reviews or comments means the work is bad. Trust me, I have plenty of DeviantArt uploads that don't have a single comment. I don't take that the wrong way and neither should you. People get busy, things get lost in the mix. Just keep at it regardless. You also have to remember that like what Chakra said, PXR is a smaller community, which means you'll have a closer community of members, but there's fewer of us around. Fewer people means less commentary. Don't take it the wrong way.

But yeah, like Chakra said, don't do it for praise. Eventually the well will dry up. And don't berate yourself just because no one left a comment or they left bad comments. You think I quit making Photoshop stuff just because a few morons bashed my stuff? Nah. No matter where you go, you'll run into unhelpful jerks that thrive on just ruining someone's day. I get bashed all the time in Overwatch. My response? "Who are you and why should I care?" I get such amusing answers to that. Chakra can attest to them. XD

Remember, the more and more you listen to nasty people and do what they say, the more you become like them. That's why it's better to shut them out immediately. Listen to the advice of people you admire, NOT the people you despise.