Forgive and forget, or hold a grudge?

**Suicune's Fire** · 09-08-2016, 11:49 AM

What do you tend to do? Hold a grudge or let it go?

I'm pretty good at letting things go, though it does depend on the situation. I HATE staying on bad terms with anyone, especially if I once had a great friendship with them.

How about you?

**Noblejanobii** · 09-08-2016, 03:32 PM

Usually I'm the let it go type. I can't stay mad at people for very long. There have been times where I have held a grudge but it usually disappeared after a few days. There's only one grudge I've managed to hold for longer than a week and it lasted two years so.

**Neo Emolga** · 09-08-2016, 06:31 PM

In most cases, I'm a forgive and forget kind of guy, unless the person does the wrong stuff over and over again despite being told plenty of times that stuff like that bothers me. Usually when that happens and it's clear the person isn't learning anything from what they're doing wrong, I just try to break away and avoid those kinds of people. You can't make friends out of everyone, but the best choice is to at least keep the peace between those people you just can't work with. And if that means just leaving them alone, that's probably for the best.

**Shieldbearer** · 09-08-2016, 06:46 PM

Often times, for those many relatively small things, I just pay them little mind, forget about them and go on with my day. Those that aren't so minor, I still often forgive... But by golly, while it will not likely be an actual grudge, am I unlikely to forget that it happened for at least some time.

**Chibi Altaria** · 09-09-2016, 03:58 AM

~~I hold grudges so watch out.~~

Generally I forgive, but I never forget things. Which is a shame cause I wish I could. xD

**SassySnivy** · 09-09-2016, 04:38 AM

This is a great idea for a discussion, Xanthe!

Personally, I don't like to hold grudges. When I DO hold a grudge however, it's instantly lifted when or if the person shows repentance or is apologetic towards what was done. Additionally, assuming they wronged me in the past and a couple years down the road I talk to them again, even if they just show that they're a better person and don't want to mention it to bring back bad memories, the grudge lifts over time. An apology just instantly lifts the grudge and adds a BUNCH of respect towards them in my mind. It takes a strong person to admit when you are wrong.

Also, it depends on WHEN it was. If it's like something where me and the other person(s) were just stupid kids or teenagers and I encounter them again, I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they've become a more mature person upon aging into an adult.

Inversely, I can understand why some people want to "hold onto grudges instead of rekindling the friendship." They probably aren't ready or don't want to approach the situation yet. They're afraid that if they mention it, it will bring more bad blood. Additionally, if they pretend it didn't happen, who's to say it wouldn't ALSO bring bad blood? I dunno, I know some people ARE that petty but others are just afraid of confrontation. :o

I never forget people who wronged me and what they did, but imho it's bad to forget. If you forget, who's to say it wouldn't happen again? Treat it as a learning experience!

Originally Posted by Neo Emolga

In most cases, I'm a forgive and forget kind of guy, unless the person does the wrong stuff over and over again despite being told plenty of times that stuff like that bothers me. Usually when that happens and it's clear the person isn't learning anything from what they're doing wrong, I just try to break away and avoid those kinds of people. You can't make friends out of everyone, but the best choice is to at least keep the peace between those people you just can't work with. And if that means just leaving them alone, that's probably for the best.

*coughMichaelXDcough*

**sniff** · 09-09-2016, 05:03 AM

Tbh I think saying "holding a grudge" is oversimplifying the matter. If it's a very small thing, then sure it's much better to let things go, ESPECIALLY if the person has apologized and made it clear that they were going to treat that person better in the future and pay attention to their needs. Sometimes however when a person has repeatedly harmed someone over and over, refuses to acknowledge their wrongdoings, apologize, or talk about what they can do in the situation to make it better for both parties, then it's understandable and sometimes necessary to stop interacting to that person.

Especially in the case where the situation nears emotional or other abuse, it is entirely reasonable and okay for someone to remove themselves from the harmful person for their own health and safety. I definitely would not call that "holding a grudge". Life is too short to surround yourself with people who hurt you and aren't willing to change, acknowledge your feelings, or even be honest with you.

i'd rather surround myself with people who consider my needs, tell me theirs, and are willing to try to understand each other and compromise so that both parties feel happy with the relationship! One party being the only one to benefit is nooooo good. if they're willing to forgive and forget your mistakes, then of course i'd do the same for them. if someone needs time away to heal, if you really cared about them you would grant them that and perhaps verbally express that you'd be willing to apologize and take better care of the relationship when or if they returned. it's all about considering the other person's point of view.

anyway, sniff out PEACE

**Pokemon Trainer Sarah** · 09-09-2016, 08:29 AM

I am quick to forgive a lot of things, especially little things and especially if the person apologises or clearly wants to move on from it. I am generally not good at staying angry. I just can't muster the emotions for that long. XD If someone is nice to me somehow I will probably forgive them pretty quick haha. I guess its the same as what Speed was describing.

But I have held grudges for years before. It's a lot easier to hold grudges if you don't see/talk to that person again, I recon. Cos then the person never has a chance to redeem themselves so you probably just assume they don't car/are still a jerk about what happened when it may not be true.

**Noblejanobii** · 09-12-2016, 02:52 AM

I hate to be the one who seems like a complete jerk but sometimes I feel like people shouldn't be given another chance if they're undeserving of it. As a person who was stabbed in the back a lot in middle school, I allowed people too many second chances and I've learned that not everyone changes. In all honesty, sometimes relationships between people, even something as friendships, aren't meant to be, especially if they cause undue burdens on one or both parties. So if something happened then maybe it's for the best.

Also I gotta disagree, sincere apologies, gentleness, and selflessness would not have healed the wounds my friends gave me following our falling outs. Time is the only thing that fixed those grudges and, as I said before, it took two years before I was willing to let it go and move past it. I mean, it's great that you feel that way, but that will not work in every case so I wouldn't bank on that for every scenario. If someone's got a reason to be holding a grudge, just apologizing won't work all of the time.

But that's just my opinion! I don't know anything really about anyone's scenario to be able to give true advice but hey, everyone's experiences are different so sometimes the best thing to do is to take into consideration what everyone may be feeling after a grudge forming event rather than just your own! That usually helps me when I'm trying to figure out how to make up with someone and I'm the one at fault.

**sniff** · 09-12-2016, 03:00 AM

Originally Posted by Noblejanobii

I hate to be the one who seems like a complete jerk but sometimes I feel like people shouldn't be given another chance if they're undeserving of it. As a person who was stabbed in the back a lot in middle school, I allowed people too many second chances and I've learned that not everyone changes. In all honesty, sometimes relationships between people, even something as friendships, aren't meant to be, especially if they cause undue burdens on one or both parties. So if something happened then maybe it's for the best.

Also I gotta disagree, sincere apologies, gentleness, and selflessness would not have healed the wounds my friends gave me following our falling outs. Time is the only thing that fixed those grudges and, as I said before, it took two years before I was willing to let it go and move past it. I mean, it's great that you feel that way, but that will not work in every case so I wouldn't bank on that for every scenario. If someone's got a reason to be holding a grudge, just apologizing won't work all of the time.

But that's just my opinion! I don't know anything really about anyone's scenario to be able to give true advice but hey, everyone's experiences are different so sometimes the best thing to do is to take into consideration what everyone may be feeling after a grudge forming event rather than just your own! That usually helps me when I'm trying to figure out how to make up with someone and I'm the one at fault.

@Noblejanobii oh yeah you're definitely right! apologies and stuff definitely don't fix situations or make it so that someone has to forgive them. I guess I was just trying to think of ways that someone who may have mistreated someone might help lessen their pain? Doesn't mean they should be friends again or that it will fix the hurt done, I guess sometimes it just helps the hurt person be able to move on if they know that the other was truly sorry, even if their relationship doesn't continue beyond that! it's essential in relationships to consider the other person, but in the end people do have to put themselves in a situation where they feel the most safe