"Today was a terrible day because..."

[Bulbasaur]

I have not been diagnosed with depression ever in my life. Being a piece of **** is not a diagnosis.

[Pokemon Trainer Sarah]

I have not been diagnosed with depression ever in my life. Being a piece of **** is not a diagnosis.

:( We're here for you bud!

[Neo Emolga]

I have not been diagnosed with depression ever in my life. Being a piece of **** is not a diagnosis.

But what matters is you're OUR piece of **** and we like you just the way you are for that. I've seen plenty of pieces of **** in my time but you're the higher-quality ****. The best ****. The premium **** that people will pay extra for.

[Pokemon Trainer Sarah]

But what matters is you're OUR piece of **** and we like you just the way you are for that. I've seen plenty of pieces of **** in my time but you're the higher-quality ****. The best ****. The premium **** that people will pay extra for.

OMG Neo xD That's so sweet.

[Bulbasaur]

I wish I had to balls to kill myself. It's such a curse.

[[Desolate Divine]]

Might seem silly and immature, but hell, I gotta complain about my love life or lack thereof.

When I was eighteen I met a girl, and she was perfect. She was perfect and I was an idiot. My headspace wasn't great, and its not until now that I am in a much better place that I can see that. Basically I let myself get way too attached and just couldn't see that she wasn't interested. She never explicitly said it, but looking back now she made it obvious and was too nice to say it to me outright. At first we were friends, but I drove her away.

Two years ago, I finally came to terms that she wasn't interested and I had f***ed things up between us, making it hard to even be friends, so I made the decision to stop talking to her via Facebook (as that's where we mostly spoke). I figured if dropping contact would show her that I am not trying to be more than friends, it would allow us to actually be friends on the odd occasion when we ran into each other.

That was 2 years ago and we have hardly spoken since. I don't see her very often (like once or twice a year) and even then we don't usually talk, as I know that I have messed things up between us.

I have met other girls and fallen for them and tried to have a relationship with them. And I'd say I did actually have feelings for them. But in the back of my mind, even when I don't realize it, I still haven't let go of this girl, as much as I have tried and as much as I have wanted to. And every time I entertain the thought, or think about it a little bit, my mind instantly goes back to her. I hate it. Hell, she liked a photo of mine on Instagram that was a few weeks old, and I was having to tell myself it's nothing.

The reason I am talking about this now? A party. A close mutual friend of ours had her 21st last night. And I was both looking forward to it and dreading it. For the same reason. Seeing her.

I got invited to the party over a month ago, and knew she'd be there, and have been forcing myself not to think about her. Naturally it didn't work.

The night before the party she was on my mind. I had some friends over, and had a couple of drinks. Ended up having about 15 standards between 6pm and 1am, and went to bed quite drunk. The next morning I found a note in my phone that I wrote the night before (I write my thoughts down to get my head around them).

I'm writing this whilst fairly drunk but maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I'm willing to say the things I wouldn't say otherwise.

Like this. Jesus, I miss her. We were never together and I thought that one day we'd end up together, but now I tell myself I was wrong and it'll never happen. And that I ruined it and and that it's my fault. I tell myself that I'll move on.

But as much as I have loved every girl since I have always wanted to be with her. More than anyone. I don't know what it is about her. Part of it could be my own attachment. But I don't think it is. Maybe there is something special about her. Something more than this. Or maybe I am just a drunk idiot who can't let go.

Either way I see her tomorrow night and even though I told myself to stop this a longtime ago, I hope that I see her and that I can redeem myself. F***, I want that, more than anything.

She is perfect.

So at this party last night, I was helping my friend out. I set up and was watching the Audio system, as well as manning the photo booth. I basically had to stay in the one area for most of the night. And as much as I hated it, I spent the first half of the night looking at the door waiting for her to come in and hating myself for it. By about 9pm I came to the conclusion she wasn't coming.

Then at about 9:30 she arrived.

The rest of the night I really wanted to talk to her. But I knew that if I did then I'd end up falling for her again and make things worse long term. So I didn't talk to her, until the party finished.

The party was in the church hall, so once it finished I had to pack down the screen, speakers, PA system and photobooth, and she also stuck around to pack down the decorations.

We talked very briefly once or twice. First she came over because our mutual friend asked her to move her car and the keys were with me, however there was no small talk. All just her asking about the keys.

A little later she helped myself and two other people move a massive ladder into the store room, and we hardly talked.

Then as she was leaving, she came to get her keys that were near me and she spoke to me briefly.

"I'm off. It's nice to see you again, as brief as it was."

"Yeah very brief. Nice to see you too."

"I guess I'll see you around."

I had just finished packing up, so I left as well. I was parked at the top of the property, and she was parked at the bottom, a lot closer to where the party was. Long story short, I was packing my gear into the car and saw her about to drive past, and noticed her headlight was out, so started waving to get her to stop so I could let her know and her not get defected. However she thought I was just waving goodbye very enthusiastically and waved back, continuing to drive off.

I sent her a message saying that I was waving her down to let her know her headlight was out, and we chatted for a few minutes about that, but I intentionally left it there. Because I knew that I'd let it get to my head. I'd overthink it. That and it was 1:30am, and Daylight Savings was starting so in half an hour it'd be 3am.

But that didn't work. I am still overthinking the whole thing, trying to convince myself it might happen now, and also trying to convince myself to stop being a f***ing idiot and to move on. And the biggest reason I hate this? I actually was pretty close to asking another girl out, and all of this has caused me to not know what I want. And now, I am replaying that goodbye in my head and trying to think of anything optimistic from it (even though I know there isn't).

Basically, long story short, I am scared that I'll never be able to have a relationship with anyone else, because all it takes is the smallest thing to distract me from any girl that I have feelings for and bouncing right back into this trap I find myself in. It isn't the first time and it sure isn't the last. I am scared that even if I do find myself in a relationship in another girl, I'll be thinking of her and wanting to be with her, deep down, as much as I'd love the girl I am with.

I get that girl troubles are nothing compared to what other people are going through. It's just taking over all of my thoughts, and I gotta get this off my chest.

[Noblejanobii]

My grandmother was buried today.

[LKWayvern]

...I was going to complain about stuff that happened yesterday but now my stuff seems trivial.
...And all I can think right now is sorry?

[Neo Emolga]

The whole shooting in Las Vegas was a grizzly freak thing I wasn't expecting out of the blue either...

Like you said, my bitty peeves are nothing to complain about compared to what other people are going through.

[Pokemon Trainer Sarah]

@Desolate Divine I'd be happy that drunk you is pretty smart writing stuff in your phone and not sending it to her. XD
@Noblejanobii :( *hugs*