Radioactive- A Post-Apocalyptic Pokemon Story

[Suicune's Fire]

(Stopping here for now because I need sleep. Please keep in mind that I haven't done any editing yet and that this is very raw material. I'd love to know what you think though, criticism and all. It's very much the beginning and I have a lot more planned for this story.)

I'm gonna be honest here and say that I'm confused why you would post something you literally just wrote. Stories shouldn't be punched out and hurriedly posted. o_O This is extremely short and riddled with errors, as I will soon demonstrate, and I must say I fail to understand why you felt the need to post this without any proof-reading. Cutting off a piece of writing because you have other commitments is understandable, but don't use it as your excuse for finishing a chapter/prologue/whatever. If it's unfinished, go at it in the morning, rather than posting something you know isn't your best. This would have been a lot more enjoyable if it didn't feel rushed and uncared for.

Despite your warning, you posted it, which means you're asking for criticism.

Behind his lifelong friend, Nadamin saw a great beast, standing tall. Its antlers branching out like a huge, gorgeous tree.

This imagery is sort of confusing. When I first read it, I thought Nadamin was looking "behind" the eyes of the yveltal, but then it talks about antlers, and it threw me off a bit. I thought you'd confused your legendaries. What you didn't make clear was the sudden appearance of the xerneas. It's just sort of there. We don't know if it's been there the whole time or if it just showed up or what.

Coughing, she slid a large piece of plastic debris off of herself. Her surroundings shocked her memory back. She had been at the Poke center, having a meal while her Pokemon were resting. The large, red plastic that had been covering her was from the giant Pokeball sign that had adorned the building.

I'm not sure about you, but I imagine a plastic poke ball sign atop a pokemon centre to be rather heavy. I would imagine that if she was crushed beneath it, she would at least have some broken bones or other injuries, as well as a hard time removing it from herself. Secondly, "poke ball" is two words. It is incorrect to use "pokeball."

Everyting around her was flattened.

"Everyting" is spelled wrong. Besides that, I don't understand this imagery you're trying to convey. Flattened? To me that sounds like a snorlax has body-slammed a cartoon houndour and made him 2D. Perhaps "destroyed"? That gives a much more destructive implication, which is what I assume you're going for here.

She wondered how long she had been knocked out as there was no living thing in sight, if any of the Pokemon had been released, they were no where to be seen.

That comma after "sight" should be a semicolon. If you take the two parts of the sentence (She wondered how long she had been knocked out as there was no living thing in sight"" and "if any of the Pokemon had been released, they were no where to be seen. ") and break them into two separate sentences, they would stand on their own, correct? If that's the case, then you need either a period or a semicolon. You only put a comma where the sentence does not flow on its own unless it's connected to the previous part. Such as:

"If it weren't for Bob's hair, he wouldn't be confident enough to go out in public."

However, structured this way, you need a semicolon because they are basically two separate sentences linked together. They can stand on their own if they want:

"Bob's hair was marvelous; he wouldn't be confident enough to go out in public without it."

See how they're separate? When sentences are like that, they should never, ever have commas. Commas are included in the flow of the sentence. This happens at multiple points in the story, and I'm not going to quote them all but I hope this helps you fix the other parts.

She put the broken Pokeball aside and kept looking. Under a large, plastic bag she found a few, seemingly intact pokeballs.

As I've already quoted, "pokeball" is incorrect. But as well as that, you've been inconsistent and capitalised the P for one of them and not the other.

As she threw it away from herself, a bright light formed into a large figure, a Nidoqueen. It looked around, confused, eyes settling on the younger girl sitting in teh dirt.

One thing I dislike in stories is how people refer to pokemon as "it"s. And for you to use "it" on a NIDOQUEEN? They can ONLY be females. I know you recognised her gender later on, which is good at least, but remember pokemon genders. Especially gender specific ones... As well as that, you wrote "teh."

A strange rustling sound was heard and three more POkemon emerged from their balls and let out a cry of their own .

The P and the O are capitalised in 'pokemon' and you also left a space between "own" and the full stop after it.

THe sounds escaping from these Pokemon seemed to come from their souls.

Capital T and H... Also I'm not sure what you mean by their cries coming from their souls. o.o As well as that, it mentions that their trainer was gone, and then you say "he." You don't mention who "he" is; if it's Nadamin, then shouldn't the main character mention that? If she was friends with Nadamin, wouldn't she also know his pokemon and want to help them? And why aren't his pokemon upset that he's gone? Perhaps he was never kind to them, but I'd expect that they'd react some way or another.

"Hello?!" she cried to the emptiness, "is anyone out there?!"

Because you finished the speech with something other than a comma, the next part of the speech shouldn't be a lowercase. Because you're effectively starting a sentence with a lowercase.

Recognizing it, she rushed over, pulling it from teh dirt. It was her backpakc and still mostly intact.

"teh" again and also "backpakc." I know you didn't edit this, but spellcheck?? Come on. That's not hard. You don't even have to do the spell checking! xD

As I previously stated, I'm not sure why you didn't bother to even read back over this before you posted it. Why post something incomplete? That aside, I like the idea. I haven't read many (if any) post-apocalyptic pokemon stories and I always wondered how it would pan out in a world with pokemon. What I do believe, though, is that you'd need something fairly convincing to pull it off. At the moment, we have absolutely no idea what happened, and as well as that, why the main character was left practically unscathed. (Yeah, she had a hurt ankle, but that's it.) Was there a shockwave? Did he harness the legendaries' power and destroy everything? It's really hard to know what's going on because there's minimal detail, and we haven't gotten a very in-depth look into the main character's mind.

In saying that, I know it was far too short to know much by this point, but more context would have been a good idea. I'm not convinced that this was more than a small explosion that was devastating enough to wipe out a town (and somehow leave the main character, out of everyone except a few pokemon, mostly unharmed). I think I have to wait for more, but right now there's very little to go off.

My advice? Don't rush it. I know you might have been excited to get this out (though I honestly wouldn't have guessed that), but that doesn't mean you should sell your story short and leave it unedited and raw. I NEVER show people material unless it's edited, unless it's mostly coherent and in private. But that would rarely - very rarely - happen.

Good luck with this. :] Sorry if I sounded a bit harsh.


~SF.