Tri-Kappa Labs

[Noblejanobii]

Alright here's my update for now since I plan to go to sleep soon I want to post this now rather than later.

So, here's chapter 4. It's… I guess a little long. I wanted to make it longer but then I decided that it was long enough and that chapter 5 would be a backstory chapter. I did end up splitting this event up. I originally did plan for chapter 4 to be huge with Shayla's whole base test encompassed in it but I think splitting it up into smaller parts might be the wiser choice for now. Chapter 5 will be shorter most likely but since I've only barely started it for now I can't say that for sure.

That being said, I only have two days of my winter break left. I go back to school on January 5 and my exams start January 12. I am also participating on my school's basketball team and we do have games and practices all this week and the week following and so on until February. With that said, I probably will be much slower in updating from here on out and you will more than likely not see an update for the next two weeks as I take my exams and such. However, I will be out of school starting January 16-19, so I will hopefully be able to get an update that weekend worse case. I would like to get chapter 5 up before I go back to school but it depends on inspiration and such as well as how much time I have this weekend.

Anyway, thanks to the people who read this. Special thanks to Pokemon trainer Sarah and Suicune's Fire for commenting. Without you guys commenting I probably wouldn't update as frequently as I do. Keep that up please. Also, if I have typos, and you spot them, feel free to let me know. I try to catch those but since I usually write these stories at midnight (hence my title moonlight writer) I tend to make mistakes. Thank you! And have a good day!

[Pokemon Trainer Sarah]

Yay new chapter! I guess I should have seen the Shaymin thing coming... 'Shay'la! xD I do wonder what other Pokemon are involved though. :) The place they're in seems pretty interesting. I'm wondering if the other people are all real or part of the test or what. :O

I thought the use of Secret Power was great too! Its fun to think of Pokemon making their own secret bases. xD

Good luck with your exams and everything!

[Noblejanobii]

Lol yeah, when I originally made Shayla she had a different name that showed what pokemon she was a fusion of. Back then she was just a fusion pokemon and the Tri-kappa labs story was completely different. But I ended up shortening her name when I came up with this story so that it was more human like. The 'la' part of her name is the first two letters of the suffix of her original name which would tell you what she will be a fusion of.

As for whether the test location and people are real or not… well that would be spoilers but I can say this. It originally was going to be one option, but then I thought it would be more fun to have it be the other. So yeah!

Lol well I actually got the idea for secret power while I was visiting some secret bases in Omega Ruby so I was like hey I can incorporate this! It was fun to let Casey create the secret base and take some liberties with it while I was at it. Also, mechanic that I have also implemented. A secret base maker can create as many bases as they want and the bases won't disappear so long as they don't want them to.

Thanks Sarah. I need to pull up some of my grades because I'm starting to look at colleges and I need the grades if I want to get into my dream college. Hopefully I won't fail them.

[Noblejanobii]

Just an update to let my like two readers know the obvious. I haven't finished chapter five. It is taking longer than expected but to be fair I am putting much more detail into it than I expected. I will work on it when I can but no promises as to when it will show up because my exams start next week and I need to review.

[Suicune's Fire]

Had I not heard the gunshots mere minutes ago, I could have sworn there was nothing wrong.

I was under the impression that the gunshots happened seconds ago, rather than minutes. A minute is a long time in these situations. If you meant minutes, I would suggest specifying so that we're aware of the time.

Bang! Bang! Bang! I spun around as I heard a loud banging against the front door downstairs.

"spun" and "span" are still words I get mixed up, but the correct term in this sentence should be "span." The use of "spun" would only be appropriate in the case of past tense, past participle. For instance, "she had spun around," but "she span around." So the addition of "had" changes it form "span" to "spun." The same rules apply to "swam" and "swum."

"Open up!" A loud masculine voice yelled, "You are now under the rule of the Greek Riders!

I noticed in later chapters that you have the same understanding of grammar in speech as what you display here, so I'm going to go ahead and teach you a bit about it. (Sorry if that sounded horribly condescending; I didn't mean for that at all.)

With speech, you have to look at it like it's a continual part of the sentence you're writing--because it is. Therefore, you need to use commas and capitals as if there were no quotations around the speech at all. This should be:

"Open up!" a loud masculine voice yelled. "You are now under the rule of the Green Riders!"

See the lowercase 'a' I put in there? And then the full stop at the end of "yelled"? Regardless of an exclamation mark or a question mark at the end of speech, unless it's the end of the sentence, then the following words which aren't part of the speech must have a lowercase and be a continuing sentence. If it's not a ! or a ? then you need a comma, and NOT a period. A period is only to be used at the end of speech if it marks the end of a sentence. I'll make some examples for you from the next chapter (and I'm putting an end quotations on the end for simplicity).

"Yeah." I said, "Job wise at least."

See how the period at the end of "yeah" cuts off the sentence? You should switch around the comma and the period so it looks like this:

"Yeah," I said. "Job wise at least."

Or, if you wanted it to continue as one sentence, have two commas and a lowercase J for "job."

"Yeah," I said, "job wise at least."

Do you see how that works? And if you were to use a word that wasn't a proper noun following the "Yeah," then it'd be a lowercase. Like this:

"Yeah," said the girl, "job wise at least."

If this doesn't make much sense, then try removing the quotations. If you have the period after "yeah" then it's a fragmented sentence, right? Because it's like sticking a random period in the middle of a regular sentence. I hope this all makes sense. :]

We are collecting tributes under the age of 25

In stories, especially in speech, you need to write out numbers as words.

Planning my jump, I failed to notice another person standing on the ground maybe twenty below me. That was a fatal mistake on my part.

I'm having a slight issue with this sentence. The story is from first-person perspective, right, but this implies that she is telling a story that already happened, rather than living it as it is written. If it was from third-person then it would make more sense, but right now, I'm not sure what the style is and if she's telling it back to us or not.

The whole "telling the story back" idea through first person would explain why there was a little bit of a lack of emotions, I felt, in this first chapter. It was also extremely short. I felt like you could have had more of an intro to the character before jumping into the action, although action is always good too. I wanted to know more about what the character was feeling, as it felt a little 'telling' and not 'showing'. I do like your writing style, however, and it's so nice to see another story on PXR! There's been a severe lack of ongoing stories here, so I definitely hope to see this one continue.

I'm keen to read more, and I'm so sorry to took me so long to post this review! I've only read one chapter and a bit of chapter two, and after I've read more, I'll be able to give a more detailed recount of my opinions. :]

[Noblejanobii]

@Suicune's Fire
Ok I'm going to try and answer this in the same order you did but I'm not going to be quoting you because that'll be overwhelming and time consuming on my phone.

1) In regards to the whole minutes thing, you have to understand the concept of time. It didn't take her seconds to jump from her bed, make her way across the room, and get to the window then look around. Someone would have to have like super speed (which Shayla lacks). Therefore, it would be minutes because these actions do take time therefore minutes would be the correct term here, not seconds.

2) I have never heard of this before so this is new to me. Thank you for the correction.

3) I have also never heard of this grammatical error either. I'll fix that as well.

4) I tend to write in a form that people would speak. this means that it is not always grammatically correct. It contains fragments and odd sentences all around. This is how people around me talk so this is how I write how people speak.

5) I have a habit of switching between number and letter form when writing numbers. It's a habit that I am trying to break but sometimes I slip up.

6) I am uncomfortable in writing in present tense. My writing does not flow as well that way. My sentences become choppy and chapters become significantly shorter with a lot less descriptiveness. I tried for several years to write in present tense but I was not improving at all. In fact I became worse. My english teacher last year recommended I try past tense instead. This, in my opinion as well as those of the english teachers around school, believe that it flows much better now, as well as allows for some flexibility. She's telling in the first person which allows for me to include emotions and personal thoughts but it's in past tense so it flows better. It is my writing style and I like it so I doubt I will change it any time soon.

7) As for the short first chapter, when I write stories, I tend to try to hook readers with the first chapter. I make it short, sweet, and suspenseful, which tends to draw people in. Then I flesh out everything in the following chapters. Never have I read a book where an author tells you everything about the character in the first chapter. That tends to take away from the mystery. I introduce my characters piece by piece so that while you may not know them at all within the first chapters, you'll be learning about them the entire story.

NOTE: If I ever seen rude when I am responding to criticisms I apologize. I don't mean to sound rude, but I'm not used to be criticized. Most people that read my stories for some odd reason love them. It is only this year that I've actually been challenged in my writing skills. That being said, I'm not always sure how to respond to corrective criticism. I am thankful for all writing tips since I do plan to make my living on writing and the more tips I get the better I will be.

[Suicune's Fire]

No worries. :] I'll do that too because it's easier even on a computer. xD And I'll leave the response black so it's easier to read, ahaha.

1. Oh, I do understand the concept of time. What I was saying is that there wasn't a clearly specified amount of time in the story in order for us to understand where everything is. For instance, my bed is literally right beside my window so it would take me seconds to get there, and I don't have super speed. xD The thing is, you described it in such a short number of words that there's no way we could tell that it took minutes. If you described it in a lot more detail and made it clear how long it took, then I'd understand it taking minutes. I'm not trying to tell you that it only took her seconds; I'm just saying that with the way it's currently laid out, it's hard to grasp how much time went by. There is no way that "I got out of bed and walked to the nearest window" is going to tell us how long it took her, or how quiet she was trying to be, or how scared she was while she was doing it, or maybe the deliberation when she was trying to make the decision to move or not, etc. All I'm saying is, clarity makes everything better. :]

2. No worries! Trust me, I have had issues upon issues with "swam" and "swum" and all similar words. xD You're not alone.

3. No worries. I also had no clue about it when I first started posting stories online until someone from the old pokemon forum explained it to me. x)

4. I understand that, but there's a difference between writing out intonation and using correct, absolute grammar in certain places--like at the end of the sentence. All of those quotes were just me explaining my initial speech grammar point. x)

5. That's okay. ^^ I just wanted to remind you.

6. Ohhh, oh no, that's not what I meant at all. I HATE present tense. I find it horribly uncomfortable to write and to read. Past tense is still happening newly as the story progresses, though. In past tense, it's not a character looking back on the past and recounting events--that's not what it means, and I'm sure you know that. I'm stating that how could a person know without hindsight what was about to happen? It would be like me sitting here at my desk now, typing on my computer. How do I know that in five seconds, my bed could explode? I don't. Because it hasn't happened yet. So unless she's telling a story to someone after she's already lived it, then her knowing about the guy outside her window doesn't make sense. (Also I was talking about perspective, not tense, but tense is important too. xD)

7. That's also not what I meant. xD I just meant maybe an indication of her personality, what she looks like, or how she thinks. I don't mean give away her backstory. xD I just mean surface things as a character introduction.

Sorry if my review was confusing; I think a lot of things I said came across as unclear and were easy to misinterpret. I hope I cleared some things up in this response though. And don't worry, I didn't think you were rude. x) I have been reviewing people's pokemon stories online for years and years now, so I've heard all sorts of responses when I've reviewed stories. I always quote every error I find so I can help the author improve and so that specific errors can be ironed out. Trust me, I'd only do this to help. I feel bad when I read people's stories and don't point out the errors, because then how is one supposed to improve? But anyway, I'm glad you found it helpful. Don't worry--I didn't mean that I don't like your writing! It really did draw me in despite my corrections, so don't worry about that. :] A few sentences in, I could already tell that you were a good writer.

Anyway, I hope to get around to more of it soon. x) The concept sounds really cool so far. Please don't be discouraged by anything I say. :] I do truly only mean to help you improve!

[Noblejanobii]

1. That's true. And actually in my room, I can look out my window without even sitting up in my bed so I was a bit iffy with that descriptiveness. Like I said elsewhere I tend to keep the first chapter of a story short but also try to hook someone in so a lot of descriptiveness doesn't come in until the second chapter.

2. Like I didn't even know that span (in this definition) was a word. Like I knew time span but I have never ever heard someone say that before. Like I have a guy who narrates his actions and he says spun all the time.

3. It doesn't help that the device I usually type this on (my phone) autocorrects it. That's also why there are some weird wording errors sometimes (like I know there's one when Sloane is talking in chapter 3) because my phone autocorrects it.

4. Oh yeah and thanks for that! I appreciate all correction. I was just explaining that this is the dialect I'm used to so I feel more comfortable writing in this form. However when people are from different cultures I try to change the dialect to fit them but usually I fail at it.

5. Yes thank you. I need to stop doing that. Now sometimes I find it's justified. One example I can give is if they said like "He is a Generation 3." That's like an experiment number so I feel like in that case it would be ok because it's like a title. But in the case you're talking about you're absolutely right.

6. Oh! I completely missed that! Yeah I understand what you mean now. To be honest I can't remember why I added that. Possibly to create more suspense or something. I wrote that at like 3 am though so who knows what I was thinking.

7. Right right. Like I said before I generally just try to hook people in the first chapter then introduce you to everyone in the second and following chapters. I'm not sure why to be honest but it's what I've always done.

Well thank you! And what I meant was like if I'm having a bad day I tend to snap at people, especially critics. I was actually know on another website many years ago for cursing out a critic when they just caught me on a really bad day. Also, expect that chapter 5 will still have some of these errors because I've been writing it for a while and I don't catch everything. Chapter 6 will be better, I promise.

[Suicune's Fire]

1. Yeah, and, I mean, she could have a large gap between her bed and her window, but I don't know. Yeah, that makes sense. Still, a few tiny details can sometimes make all the difference. x)

2. Yep. xD I think it's not as commonly used as spun. Maybe 'spun' is correct in both cases... I dunno. My dictionary thinks it's "archaic" so I suppose that means not many people use it anymore. In that case, I'm wrong. xD

3. Nuuuuuu! You write stories on your phone? So you don't have, say, Word documents and such? Ooh girl... I would very strongly recommend against that! D: And using PXR on phones is a pain, I find. xD I never use mobile versions of sites because they're lame, but then when I use the regular version, it's harder to navigate and do anything. XD

4. No worries! And yeah, whatever dialect and accents is fine. xD I just mean grammar. :] And nuu, I'm sure you don't fail! It's not easy sometimes anyway. x) Try not to be too hard on yourself.

5. Yes, I think that's justified. x) I've been told that long numbers aren't necessary to type out, but yeah, something like "it was twenty five metres from the door" definitely requires typing out. In the case of an experiment, yeah, I think the number is fine. x)

6. Ah okay. XD No worries! I like to raise points to make people think sometimes.

7. That's okay. ^^ Even if I give you something to think about, that's all I really aim for. :D

No worries. 8D Oh wow, really? xD That's not good! Thinking about it though, it sounds like a good character flaw. xD Are you gonna go back and edit the errors? That's what I intended, as well as taking what I say for the future. I've edited chapters so many times...ahaha. And hey, even though I correct people's stories all the time, I always miss errors of my own in my writing. xD Always. It's like I'm immune to their corruptible charms. XD

[Noblejanobii]

1. Right. When I have time I'll go back and shape up chapter 1. I want to get the next chapter up first though. That's my main priority though.

2. Well it's definitely something that I need to know and I'll be more careful in the future about it.

3. Oh I do have word, but on my computer. The reason I do it on my phone is because I have inspiration strike at the oddest times, usually like 1-2am, and I don't have access to a computer then. Because I have my phone on my person 24/7, it's just more convient for me. However, I can access the stories on my computer through my email so some parts are typed on my computer but not all.

4. Well other dialects and accents are just hard so I usually do pretty bad with them.

5. I was told that from 100 up, you can do numbers. But anything below that has to be typed out.

6. Yes and it is something that will more than likely be helpful to me in the future.

7. Well you've achieved that goal.

Oh I totally plan to go back and make changes. I just want to get the next chapter out first. I probably won't be able to do much until like next Friday though because I have exams (in case you haven't seen me mention that before). But I do plan to go back and make some changes, I just have other priorities at that moment. And yeah, it's a pretty funny flaw sometimes but it makes me somewhat unpopular as a writer because i snap at people.